Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Fucking Day!

Amazing surprises can still happen in this life. First though, if you want to be offended by the title, you need to open your mind or leave now as there will be way more offensive things to read in my babblings for people who like to control other people by claiming "I'm offended by that". Take your control issues elsewhere and try to see how you limit your opportunities in life by using that "offended" technique to block your own path in an attempt to block another. You may find you do it more than you'd like and you might even decide to stop the self-defeating behavior and learn something about yourself and all the wonders of life you pushed away because of a silly word or something. Superficiality is not where you want to stay, right? So fix that mistake and forge onward. I dare you :)

We'll start with the good news. The amazing surprise. After once again spending a few hours researching the BSOD in Idle crash I'd been dealing with ever since MS Windows 10 did their annual major cumulative update on September 25th (which updated or re-installed half the programs on my computer, in fact, according to the Programs and Features module in Windows 10) and finding nothing new to help, I found a way to actually talk to a live support person. Yes, you heard right, a live support person for Microsoft Windows 10. This is the first time I ever connected to a Microsoft support person who actually tried to help. They must be having a whole lot of complains and issues with Windows 10 to provide free live tech support over the phone. As for the fucked up day, you may have already read this in the brief blog:


Yes, I decided not to put fucking day in the title because, after all, a lot of people want to be offended by damn words even when they are used properly to describe something. Simply, these are the reasons for the state of today. No pants for the interview tomorrow; Laptop crashing multiple times; Loss of words, work, mind; Anemia symptoms worse; Head cold worse or mold or anemia even worse; Lost BP med prescription; Lots of laundry; Weight loss stopped; $2500 spent on CC this month pushes me into tapping the emergency car payment funds (major line I did not want to cross); Tinnitus worse; Hungry; Lonely; Who cares mode is on (high volume).

There's probably more, but the computer crashed so many times I just want to stop using it.

So how was your day?

Narf! :}

Yes, so, let's take it all apart and see just how accurate the titles might be (and how much of it is just the on-going Wednesday disorder).

No pants for the interview is accurate and stupidly I did not pack a pair of pants with the suit jacket and stupidly I waiting until this afternoon to check and the storage place will be too dark to do a search for the pants box and the right pants even if I did have the ambition and good sense to break through the Wednesday Disorder (I am going to send it to the DSM people for inclusion in their DSM VI) to drive over there in rush our traffic. So I either must search the storage place in the morning or go somewhere to buy a pair of pants that matches the suit jacket before the interview tomorrow. Poor planning, poor adapting, poor attitude, poor me. We rate this a serious obstacle to getting the job with a high level of the self-pity factor.

Laptop crashing multiple times. The fear of not having a laptop when my best hope of finding a job depends on frequent internet checking, searching, communicating, and responding to job inquiries is probably one of the worst fears I know today. The closer I get to having no savings, losing the car, being homeless, and working as a Walmart Greeter or behind the counter at a fast food chain and still lose the car and probably not be able to pay rent or transportation in a safe place, the higher the blood pressure and worse the medical problems get. Investing in a new computer might be the best thing I can do even though it accelerates the potential loss of the car, but I hold out hope this one will not crash for good in spite of multiple crashes per day. We rate this a serious stressor with rational reasoning and minimal self-pity factor.

Loss of words, work. You may have seen previous reactions to the loss of words and this is quite mild compared to some of my rants. The fact that Micgrosoft may have provided a fix and live support that I can contact again (with a case number, no less) might mitigate some of the rage. Still, the time wasted is hurtful but the loss of words is maddening. Several entries, reasoning and rationalizing and therapuetic words that would have made this day so very much better were lose in sudden crashes. I even saved most of the time, but the RAM did not save it when the laptop restarted. We rate this a serious stressor and obstacle to maintaining sanity, peace, and rational thinking with a moderate self-pity factor. Let's just say that if you don't already understand the emotion of the loss of progress in therapy (writing is my therapy), then there is not explanation of it for you. Have a sandwich and move along.

Amemia worsens. The lab results show that in spite of eating the healthier diet I've even in a couple of years for two full months and taking a multitude of supplements including an expensive organic iron tablet daily that resulted in improving every other lab value to put me back in the "normal" range for all other factors, the anemia dropped to serious concern levels (according to the unbiased MD who ordered the tests). This is rated a very serious stressor, serious health risk, and damn fucked up with rational medical science reasoning and a minimum self-pity factor. I really would rather not die before I find a job and get my independence back. Or for another forty years, whichever comes first.

Humor, it must save me if nothing else will.

Head cold or mold reaction or anemia reaction or combination, ultimately, dang crappy feeling symptoms worse. I somehow will find a way to interview tomorrow without sniffling, cough, being blinded by blurry eyes, or needing to repeatedly take a tissue to my nose. I hope. Beyond the interview, am I dying? is not a question I want to take seriously and the fact that I might is quite distracting and disheartening and depressing which interferes with hope and the actual positivity and confidence I need to regain independence and continue living. We rate this a very serious concern, issues, obstacle, stressor, health risk, and even more damn fucked up with rational medical science reasoning and a large dollop of self-pity.

Lost BP medication prescription. I recall seeing it in the car when I was cleaning out the front seat for Helen or Jane or another passenger last week and I remember thinking why do I still have this... I already filled this prescription and of course, that was wrong thinking. I am hoping I did not throw the prescription away (which would be contrary to any logical thought or habit as it has a lot of personal information on it and I would ordinarily save it for the shredding pile) and it is still somewhere in the car or somewhere. Worst case is someone finds it and steals my identify (or, for the more paranoid amond us, stalks me in order to substitute a poisoned pill amidst my BP pills). Best case is I find the paper. Next best case is I go wait several hours at the free clinic next Tuesday morning for another prescription and the doctor doesn't hassle me too much for losing the first one. We rate this a moderate pain-in-the-ass stressor due to it's losing-your-mind (and short term memory) factor with a lot of the self-pity factor as well.

Lots of laundry. I mean like four or more loads. Doing my first laundry here at The Maharaja's place comes with the trepidation of seeing the potential mold in the washer/dryer area and even in the washer dryer as they are in an outdoor shed and the mold growth is very high everywhere in this house. I could go to a local laundromat, but that is an outdoor situation as well, not to mention a full day experience. We rate this a stop-whining-and-grow-a-pair nonsense stressor with way more self-pity factor than the scale can measure. Shut up and do the damn laundry.

Weight loss stopped. If I was eating the extreme lean healthy diet I was eating in September and October I'd be very concerned, but this is mostly my choices and while the good news is my choices have maintained the weight loss (hey, the pants I bought tomorrow {ooops, did I just give away the relativity of time again?... shhhh, just keep reading and pay no attention to the time-keeper behind the curtain) were 36 waist and they are baggy - I didn't want to try 34 waist yet because I was in a hurry... I was wearing 38 waist before September), I do need to refocus and continue the weight loss. This is rated another fine mess I've gotten myself into with diminished will power and a moderate self-pity factor.

$2500 spent this month forcing the beginning of withdrawals from the emergency car payments fund. The expenses included the half-year car insurance premium ($600), two new tires for the car ($360), the moving expenses ($300), including storage unit fees ($160), and moving into The Maharaja's place expenses (I bought a bunch of things for here) and several other unique to this month things and stuff I am forgetting - but also a whole lot of dining out and unnecessary expenses. Stupidilty is rated high on half of this. We rate withdrawals from the emergency car payments funds as extremely high on the stressor meter and lots of sadness, but minimal self-pity as losing the car would be a traumatic, even devastating circumstance so crossing this line is that major line I did not want to cross (which is why the job search intesified so much in August and September). Help me if you can I'm feeling dow-ow-own.

Tinnitus worse. Health scary because it is so closely associated with higher blood pressure and stressors. Focus on de-stressing and hope for better news on the job and health front. It is also very distracting at times and can lead to irrational thinking and mood swings as the constant noise irritant is there even when I block it from consciousness and the sudden emergence into consciousness can trigger and upset or angry outburst. Balance, grasshoppoer. We rate this a real issue, moderate stressor, and middle of the road on the self-pity factor scale.

Hungry. Blah. Eat. Emotionally eat sometimes, get a hole of yourself and remember self-discipline and will power and do the right thing. We rate this a bullshit stressor and self-coddling blowing the roof off the self-pity factor meter. Try again.

Lonely. Not far under Hungry, but more under my control than not under my control, so mostly irrational stressor and high on the self-pity factor scale.

Who cares mode. Don't give it the time of day, pure (ok, 99% self-pity.

So Anna at MS did a remote session and upgraded my video drivers and the BSOD crash on Idle may have stopped, at least they did not happen in the usual five minutes. We shall see if they happen at all next time I walk away from the computer. Now I can't use Kaspersky Secure Connection (it fails) and I can't run a Full Scan on my laptop as the laptop automatically reboots before the Full Scan is done.

And I just ordered $44 worth of N.Y.P.D Italian food (delicious but drawbacks at this location) - Large meat lover's pizza with extra cheese ($25 too much burnt bacon, overcooked, bread burnt taste from dirty oven), meatballs appetizer ($4.50, overcooked, not worth it), and an eggplant parm sub ($8.75 toasted bread, overcooked, tough bread (not fresh), slightly burnt). Expensive around here, but screw the budget. Definitely anti-healthy weight loss program, but screw the body. Tomorrow, start again.

I might have been better, in fact, the likelihood of being better is nearly 100% and yet, here we are. I crashed again today. Wednesday. Coincidence? The laptop issues?

Narf! :)

Interrupted by Another MS BSOD

I sat down here last night I started nodding off and just went to bed. The body is struggling die reasons medical science is investigating (and annoying head cold symptoms to boot), so it was time to collapse and sleep. I slept, except for the usual waking to urinate a couple or few times, almost twelve hours. I am still tired, but much less exhausted than I was last night.

I am not exercising lately, which is concerning. The doctor said "Do not exert yourself." and I did not respond because I was not in a good place to talk to a doctor that day for internal and external reasons (waiting to be the last one taken when I had an appointment and was #6 in line), a challenge about my eligibility for care at their free clinic as incorrect information suddenly appeared on my record, a Nurse who obviously did not read my file and had no clue why I was there (I was there at the doctor's request for a follow-up on my labs that the doctor was concerned about and they didn't even have my labs because they didn't call to get them), so finally when the doctor came in I was in no mood to be there and just wanted out. The doctor was still the same and I would definitely consider her as a permanent doctor if she is in the network of whatever health insurance I get once I start working again, but I was already gone. I had no intention of not exerting myself as exercise is an integral part of the weight loss and improved health program I loosely sketched out for myself in my mind and now I am sorry I did not discuss that with her when I could.

This laptop continues to crash into a BSOD whenever it idles for more than a few minutes and if I do not remember to put it into sleep mode before stepping away, I am apt to lose words or whatever else I was working on when I stepped away so I must remember that - every freaking time!!!

Yes, I lost two entries and more that I was working on in recent hours and I am way more pissed and distracted and not in the mood to write than I was when I woke up peacefully a couple of hours ago. I have things I need to do today, so I'll just say fuck you to Microsoft and get on with my day.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Multiple Dailies

Having two daily blogs plus several supplemental blogs (not to mention hundreds of others) can make for a challenge at times. Which blog do I feel like writing in, and why? Does having too many blogs sabotage any chance of finding an audience, no less close friends or intimates? Is the maintenance of multiple daily blogs an ego trip that dilutes any talents I may have (or the sharing I do) or does it enhance my creativity and expand my potential contacts therein increasing the opportunities and chances for finding more meaningful sharing?

Back when I was not working a few years ago, I was much more comfortable in my own living space than I am now and that prompted multiple entries each day. More than a thousand entries poured into the previous daily blog each year in those years. I am not sure if the words flowed more freely or how the volume affected the quality or value of the entries or the blog, I just know I enjoyed the statistics and breaking records and I was not concerned about dates or times or time itself, I simply wrote what I felt when I felt like writing.

This will be continued when I am more awake...

Monday Softball Done, On to Other Fun

We did not pull out the win we needed and so our season is over which means softball is done until january for me. I am already experiencing withdrawal lol. No Joke. I celebrated with a suicidal outing to Taco bell followed by three chocolate snacks from Wawa, more calories in one late evening meal than I've had in more than ten weeks. If only I was not so sick with a head and slowly dropping to chest cold, I'd be giggy with sugar highs and decadent mischief. Now to starve myself on nothing but veggies and lean chicken or fish the rest of the week. And some oatmeal. And yogurt. Balance, must maintain balance.

I spent the night updating the table of contents (finally). It was only a year and a half behind. This month's update is already to go and will upload tomorrow night. For easy reference because you can't get enough of my babbling, here are the links added tonight:
July 2015
August 2015
September 2015
October 2015
November 2015
December 2015
January 2016
February 2016
March 2016
April 2016
May 2016
June 2016
July 2016
August 2016
September 2016
October 2016

Unfortunately, because Facebook blocked Bugs Webbot (long live Bugs, the Webbot), All of the comments (blah and more blah) for Facebook are gone but many other comments (other blah) are still out there. We are strong, we are invincible, we are Webbot!

Yes, so anyway, we updated the Anemia research and feel all the more certain of impending doom (certainty always makes me feel better... ummmm, I think... lol) so perhaps that is why I stayed up all night updating the TOC. Or maybe it was the constant runny nose post nasal cough keeping me awake. Taco bell, a Long John, a Reeses bar, and a Kit Kat? Stranger things have happened, after all.

The girls (excuse me, ladies) softball championship game was tonight and it was a great one. The underdogs jumped out to a big lead racking up 6 in the first and raising it to a 18-6 lead by the third. The younger higher rated team reached deep and came back to make it 18-16 in the fourth with the help of some errors. Fatigue got to the older team and errors started increasing. The underdogs scored 4 more to lead 22-16 in the top of the fifth and then it was 22-20 by the bottom of the fifth and another error in the sixth made it 22-22 going into the seventh. The younger (and better) team scored the winning run in the bottom of the seventh on two errors, a heartbreaking way to lose after being up so big. At least it was exciting.

We lost on errors after being ahead by a lot because our bats died, mine especially. I went 1 for 3, but killed a first inning rally with a double play grounder. My hitting is just so off at night, it must be the lights and the aging eyes because I still hit great during the day. Everybody went flat after the second inning and the errors started piling up, so we are done and I am not sure we are coming back next season (the usual do they want the old pitcher who's hitting poorly back? questions are kicking around in my head and then for no particular reason, omg, look what I found. I know, unless you want a quick and easy way to create code for tables in your blog (or anywhere), you probably do not understand my excitement. That is ok, I don't understand most people's excitement most of the time. It's a different world in Dubai, after all.

So I am really wonky and should sleep, but I am dripping and coughing and have laundry that needs washing and a room that really needs tidying up and trash to take out and a car to clean and most of all, a job search to continue. Don't strees, please. Stay Calm and Narf!... All alone. Lonely me. Wa Wa Wah. Wait, I already had my Wawa for the reast of the year, so blah blah blah. Somebody somewhere in this infinite universe who I would find dreamy and comfortable must find me irresistibly adorable, I just wish she'd get here already cuz time keeps on ticking ticking ticking into the future, ya know?

Did I mention I watched the TV remake of The Rocky Horror Picture Show Thanksgiving evening. No, I didn't think so. See what you are missing?

Make today spectacular. Or at least fun.

Narf :)

Monday, November 28, 2016

I don't know why he swallowed that fly...

Yeah, that's kind of the situation. How it feels in the head and back of the throat. Improvement is noted, so I am sticking it out in this moldy environment and hoping the body adjusts without serious or permanent repercussions, but I am definitely feeling the runny nose annoyances of irritation and post nasal drip, the latter turning into a crappy cough. The lower back is feeling strained too, signs of the disk-nerve debilitating pain that comes around now and then (last felt over this past summer for a couple or few weeks, the longest period that it ever lasted). I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that I am re-reading the summer entries in order to sorta update the brief blog which was neglected all summer (as was this one, but the updating of this one was done way back in August, in case you missed that). The neck and left head is also paining and pulsing to the temple along with the tinnitus in the left ear. That could be from the lack of alternatives to the sitting and laying down options in this place. No couch for back supported side lying and no recliner for bent back lying, two helpful positions when the back starts acting up. First world problems, no doubt, but I've had the luxuries of comforts of the first world most of this life and going without them at this late stage is not something the body adjusts to easily, if at all, and if I keep babbling maybe I won't notice and surely goodness and mercy have abandoned me, just hope it's not for the rest of my days... or nights.

...perhaps he'll die.

Yeah, ever the comic caricature of myself (don't go breaking my heart... ooops, too late) and loving every minute of it. except for the physical pains. I really ought to find the blood pressure cuffs and take my blood pressure. It feels kind of high. Living alone is a lonely process. Dying alone is even lonelier. What has this life meant, I wonder. All the questions rise... was it worth it?... what's the point?... and the quintessential... who cares?


Hello silence my old friend. I've come to play with you again. In the emptiness I sing a song. With no audience I can't go wrong. And the hope for someone caring still remains. Heavy chains. They comfort me, in silence.

Would you like to swing on a star? Laughter wonders just where you are. Maybe you are better off by far. Or maybe you just do not care. Oh shit, that's a path to despair. (or for the younger audience, be aware, that is a sure path to despair).

This morning I ate two portions of oatmeal made with 1/4 chocolate milk and two heaping teaspoons of raw potato starch sorta mixed in with a vanilla yogurt on top. It was actually quite yummy. Then I had a bowel movement, long and thin and pain-free, though I did feel the lesion area almost break open again. No visible blood. I ate light and mostly healthy yesterday (except for a small portion of rice, meat, and potatoes at Curly's) having just a can of chicken, plain and carrots the rest of the day. I am inching my way back to the self-discipline that helped me drop 23 pounds in 2 months. I gained five of those pounds back during my binge so I have another 20 pounds to lose before I will stop pressuring myself, The developing headache at the moment does not bode well for maintaining the self-discipline. I am a mixed bag of symptoms that seem to be getting worse over time. Could the feelings all be due to the anemia?

The symptoms of moderate to severe iron deficiency anemia include:

general fatigue. check
weakness. check
pale skin. check
shortness of breath. sometimes
dizziness. sometimes
strange cravings to eat items that aren't food, such as dirt, ice, or clay. sort of
a tingling or crawling feeling in the legs. sometimes
tongue swelling or soreness. sometimes
cold hands and feet. often
fast or irregular heartbeat. sometimes
brittle nails. maybe
headaches. sometimes
craving ice (or cold vegetables) check
leg cramps check
dimished capabilty to perform hard labor check
cold intolerance check
reduced resistance to infection check
altered behavior (ADD, etc) check
worsened symptoms of comorbid cardiac or pulmonary disease sometimes

Yup, that's me all over. The headaches are mostly specific to the left neck to temple region and the heartbeat is sometimes slow (they got 54 and 64 in the clinic and I was agitated due to stress over the other symptoms and lab work) and I used to get tingling and muscle pains in my legs all the time as a kid and teenager when I was first diagnosed with anemia and put on iron supplements and yeah, so the lab work verifies the symptoms or vice versa.

Softball soon. As I will not be going to any tournaments (I simply can not justify the expense at this point), this is the last official game of the year, alas, unless we win tonight and make the playoffs. I must wake up next Saturday and join the seniors for their Saturday morning practice and pick-up game (Just $4). I also must get to the batting cages as I still have coins for those. For the moment, I must get up and stretch and loosen up and see about getting the neck to stop hurting cuz I want to play next week in the playoffs even though it would be against a team that would beat us bad (and risk getting hurt). Stay positive. Get up.

Hope you are staying positive and taking care of yourself too.

Narf :)

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Feel Like Sleeping

Earlier today was challenging, I woke feeling yucky. That is, the body's technical term for a cross between blah and pain. I am doing my best to rest comfortably in this environment. It is, on some levels, more comfortable than the last place in many ways, but this is not home as the room is mostly filled with The Maharaja's furniture and stuff. So it is not "my place" if you get it. The strong mold must smell does not make relaxing easy. Naturally, a meaningless complaint was filed with the board of health in my head.

As I write this (and then I think about the friends I have offline who do not read my online babbles (this one's for you, wherever you are), I am hopeful they have a sense of humor as open and comfortable and silly as mine and they are laughing too (are you laughing too?). If The Maharaja stumbles upon my endless stream of babbling in the blog world, I hope for an ego-less secure sense of humor (there's always hope as long as Douglas Adams is still writing his seven part trilogy somewhere in this universe and as long as my mind is active, he is... Robin Williams, Don Quixote, and George Carlin understand).

This could have been fun if I was not feeling so poorly. Yucky too.

I definitely do not have a lot of energy in spite of eating enough calories. I am going to let myself fall asleep soon, earlier than usual tonight, before midnight, with hope in my heart (and all that jazz). The nose dried up a bit, but not a lot when I was out playing cards. Excel called and set up an impromptu card game for us so we played some bridge. I was getting really good hands, but concentration was not always there. I still sense the sabotage from Curly while he takes playing with The Commodore much more seriously. He may not even notice how competitive he gets. When he plays, no one can talk. When others play, the chatter is as distracting as ever. Strange double standard. Whatever, I enjoyed playing when I wasn't losing focus in the fog or distraction. Randomly, maybe this makes sense to you.

Jackson texted good night, right on time.

Sweet dreams.

Narf :)

Except For Dying, Today Was Wonderful

Yes, the body is definitely fighting a cold/flu bug. After some improvement when the day began, the throat is increasing it's soreness (with each swallow, put it at a 4 on a scale from 1-10), the nose is increasing it's running (near constant), a cough is developing (mild and sporadic for the moment), and the body is not feeling any better than the last time we checked in (though fatigue must be playing a roll there as awake time is now going on 20 consecutive hours). A full day out with different people, moving a friend with several different a large groups of strangers and some friends I do not see often - lifting and exerting myself (didn't the doctor say don't do that?... well... what am I supposed to do, sit around and die? without some exercise and without pushing the heart past 130 and giving the muscles a work out at least three times a week muscles atrophy, including the heart, and aging wins. I am not ready to give up living and die, so not exerting myself is not gonna happen. I know I should have told the doctor that, but I was not feeling well or positive the last visit and the intake Nurse did not help that mood at all, so communication broke down. Try again next time, next year. It's free health care, so I am not complaining. Just reviewing the missed communications and recording the realities).

Anyway, the move went well with a bit of a push to get it started and keep it moving. There was a lot of awkward standing around at first and throughout the day. I may have offended one or two of the helpers by telling them they were not packing the truck well and I took over packing the truck. The stuff barely fit with precise packing. Packing a truck is a puzzle, literally putting each piece in place to maximize the space used while also providing support for the pieces that could break or be damaged if not held still or prevented from being crushed during the move. Unfortunately, many of the boxes were not sealed (top nor bottom) so care and greater strength was needed to carry them sideways while holding the top and bottom flaps clothes. There was also not enough blankets to protect the furniture and alas, I let two scratches happen to two pieces. A furniture touch up pen will fix both, but being the perfectionist I am and knowing both could have been avoided left some frustration in my mouth. Still, the move went smoothly otherwise and a fully packed 12 foot truck was loaded and unloaded in less than 3 hours including a 40 minute drive.

After the move I headed back here to clean up and change clothes (and clean up a few more roaches). I headed to Jane's to pick her up for dinner and the show. Dinner was in a close-quartered restaurant in another town, more challenges for the immune system, but so worth it. Dinner was absolutely surprisingly delicious. The town, Mt. Dora, was celebrating the lighting of it's town Xmas tree and the downtown area was packed so we turned away from there. The internet connection failed there (dam ATT) so finding a place to eat electronically was not happening. The darkness of a small town made randomly driving around searching an unpleasant choice. Luck prevailed as we stumbled upon a place called Pizzamore within a block of our first turn off from the main drag and it was, as I said, absolutely surprisingly delicious (yes, I said it twice). Jane ordered the antipasta salad, healthy decadent girl that she is, and I ordered my usual test of a new Italian restaurant, eggplant parmesean and a side of meatballs. It was not until I was almost done that I noticed they did not bring any bread and I did not miss it at all, that's how yummy my food was. The eggplant was cooked perfectly, yes perfectly. The spaghetti was tossed in an extra virgin olive oil, fresh diced tomatoes, basil and garlic (you could smell the basil and taste the garlic and oh, how I love garlic) that was amazingly compatible and complementary to the eggplant, marinara, and cheese baked just right on time of it.

I definitely want to go back there and try other things, but also want that eggplant parm again.

Dinner was followed by the play, Man of La Mancha, in a small crowded theater (where the body was exposed to another large group of strangers and again, very worth the risk). The casting was excellent and the acting was surprising well done given the small town theatre troupe, relatively small stage space, and the challenge of the material. Sitting in the front row center was exciting and intense and though we missed the full stage nuances of the middle theatre seats that most plays are staged for, the intensity, focus, and dedication of the actors to their respective roles made it worth sitting, at times, two feet from the action. Jane had never seen the show, which made it even more exciting. Tears freely dropped from the corner of my right eye. If only I was understood.

I must accept my mistakes during this evening. My personalizing of the meal and the show caused me to be a very insensitive companion for Jane in that I did not ask how she liked her antipasta and I did not ask her what she thought of the story she neither read nor saw before. Such a self-centered fool I can be at times. So starving for the rush of theatre and the memory of the quest to dream the impossible dream... that I neglected respecting Jane's presence and opinion (even if she might not have noticed, but I sense she is aware enough to have noticed and I must apologize and learn from this - starvation and desperation is not excuse for being so self-centered and uninterested - and I am very much interested in knowing Jane better and engaging her mind more deeply). Learn. Remember. Do not repeat.

We drove home and I went on about the show and do not feel I inquired or ascertained Jane's perspective nearly enough (at least not enough to satisfy me now... will I ever be satisfied?... to dream... sigh). It is my own fault for not asking. Time passes so quickly when such intensity of emotional connection to ideas is experienced and this show reaches deep into my core in more than a few ways. We believe what we choose to believe and the intensity of our believe and how we act upon (or out) our belief determines our reality. How much energy do you put into actualizing your belief, not merely in words, but in your actions. How true do you truly demonstrate you are to yourself, your core beliefs, ideals, and presence. Most don't even know themselves well enough to know what this might mean.

Philosophy, not just another cereal box.

I was ten minutes from home when Harpo called. He needed to talk and I was wired from the theatre experience and delicious dinner and beautiful company so I drove around a bit talking and then pulled into a 7-11 parking lot and spent several hours on the phone with Harpo while sitting in the car with the windows rolled down (because I did not want the conversation to wake The Maharajah and it did start after midnight and end near four am). Amy I sick because of all these exposures and energy drains? Whatever, it all likely played a role in presenting more challenges that the immune system could handle. So the body is fighting and the symptoms say it needs more rest, fluids, and TLC. I suppose this means we shall also test whether this environment is a death trap for the body in this state.

Criminal, this aging process.

Today was a wonderful day otherwise. It started with a pleasant intellectual discussion with The Maharajah and ended with a silly and sentimental discussion with Harpo. The rest of the day was full of various minds and levels and types of stimulation.

I wish for more days like these.

Narf :)

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Lost Details

Not sure just where they went, or if they were even here. As I said (briefly, in other words, in case it matters), memory is a fog in the distance. A whole Friday is a blur of vague subject matter. I believe I watched some more TV. Criminal Minds Suspect Behavior, I think, and I wrote a preliminary critique of the show after watching the first ten episodes, or some such number. I do recall that I was not very impressed, but it passed the time and occupied the mind with alternative thoughts, however predictable and lacking in depth or creative flair.

Life is growing monotonous these days of late. The review of the financial situation was not pleasant and the brain is working on blocking it from the amygdala, hypothalmus, and other emotional reactors in the cranial cavity. The interview next week becomes even more powerfully important than any before and the odds of getting the position are higher than most. The world is simply not set up to be fair or just to men of my age, but then, the world is not set up to be fair or just to almost everyone of any age. Stop the world, I want to get off. The thumb remains extended high in the air. Even a garbage scow will be a welcome opportunity.

I am without softball and games this week. One more softball game left until mid-January. The regular card players are with their families. I have none and my adopted family do not invite me to play in their festivities. One of these times I will adopt the family person who will not leave me out or move on and oh, the fun we will share. I am blessed with Jan and Helen and Harpo, all three of whom invited me to feast for the holiday but I did not feel like feasting with anyone on this holiday. The anti-social hermit revels in his disgust with human pretenses and lies and betrayals and suicidal behaviors. One on one sharing is all I wish to engage in for the moment.

Cards and games are not as fun as they were the first few months as the minds are settled in the same routines and patterns. Change (additional people and new positive challenges) and new input (feed your head... what song is that from?) is definitely welcome. An annoying head cold seems to be brewing. Resistance must be low as the standard remedies are not working as well as they usually do. The moldy environment is probably playing a big role as I spent a lot of time in this air-space this week. Find the house is not just mold-infested but also roach infested is another serious challenge as it raises the health risks of spending a lot of time here. Yet there are so many positives about staying here, I challenge this body to overcome the physical health challenges and we shall see if that risk is worth it the hard way. A lot at risk, alas.

I recall chatting with The Maharajah and enjoying his mind as it is a challenging smile. I was also elsewhere writing other things in other blogs (perhaps you will find something of interest {or some clue as to more about my state of mind, health, or life experience} in some of the other blog entries {and the roller coaster ride just keeps on rolling} or maybe you would be interested in some more personal intros and professional intros uploaded elsewhere. I also filled at least a dozen past blank dates in this and the brief daily blog, but you'll just have to roll back the clock and click previous or something yourself to explore those. If I have to do all the work for you, your interest may not be all you think it is, so deal with or settle for what is easy. This blog world was updated, again, and if you did not feel the Earth move, our loss. If you did, did we have fun?

Make it real, even when lost.

Narf :)

Twenty-Five Roaches (and assorted sundries)

Well, just when I thought the mold was really getting to me (and it is, though the body may be learning to adapt a bit), I found a roach in the bathroom at least two inches long. So I pulled out the bug spray and sprayed. A few hours later I went back to the bathroom and found twenty five dead roaches of assorted sizes all over the bathroom floor. I apparently found a nest within the wall behind the toilet. Now I need to figure out how to keep them from crawling on me in bed while I am sleeping tonight. Fun thought, no doubt. I need sleep.

This old house is very poorly cleaned and probably has not treated for bugs in many years. This is the first room I have slept in since moving to Florida more than two and a half decades ago that I did not treat for insects before moving into it. Most of the stuff in this room belongs to The Maharaja and spraying bug spray in this room will be tricky. So boric acid power shall be the method of choice. Just when I put a freeze on spending, I will purchase a few containers of boric acid tomorrow and try to sleep peacefully tonight.

I don't think I am going to turn the light out.

So what else is new? Watching TV today. Criminal Minds Suspect Behavior. For me, it is poorly cast. The lead is not a leader, especially not of a psychologically based behavioral analysis unit. He's a supportive character, which is probably why the much calmer Director of the FBI is an integral part of the show. The leader of this sort of unit must be the calming force, not the emotional head-case trying to be the leader. Jeanine Garofalo, senior special agent, would have been a better choice for the role. The show is way too programmed as well. Weak story lines, mediocre character development, illogical leaps, and way too predictable.

I started filing in some back entries, but am quite disappointed in the lack of energy and enthusiasm. A complete absence of creativity. Mediocrity (perhaps inspired by mediocrity?) or just the low energy not feeling well life challenges type of week it's been.

Jackson stayed in town this holiday, which is rare as she is close to her family and always went to them in prior years while we were living together. She is sick and medicating. She went to Brandi's family dinner and I am sad that I was pretty much just cut out of her life, but that's her choice and so on and blah blah blah. I had invites, I stayed home alone. I am feeling just a bit better this evening, less runny nose, less scratchy throat, less body aches. In case it matters.

I ate a cup of microwave Velveeta and shells with a few additives (a teaspoon of low fat mayo, a sliver of butter, a big blob of ketchup) and a bag of small shrimp. For breakfast, as mentioned in the prior entry, I had fudge sticks and for lunch I had cheese doodles and french onion dip. The shells and shrimp were dinner. I just had a late night snack of cheese doodles and potato chips, just to prove to myself that I am crazy and can ignore my best interests. Or something like that. Maybe tomorrow the strict healthy weight loss diet will finally begin again.

I am happy to report I had two bowel movements in the past twenty four hours and there was no pain or blood. The laxatives soften the fecal material enough and a week without any solid waste may have given the lesion time to heal enough to stay closed as long as I keep this up. I really hate becoming dependant on laxatives, but the bool and anemia was really started to scare me and since I won't even see the GI Specialist until the 19th and a colonoscopy is only a maybe some time next year, I have to do something. The fungal cream is working and I'll keep using it a little while longer, tapering off. The laxative is working, so I will try half dosing after another week or so. The blood pressure meds seem to be stabilizing, though the Tinnitus is really annoying. The fatigue and blah is still lingering, but I am hoping to refocus and take control of that mentally. My fingers are crossed that my self-treatment (and self-medication) works.

Tomorrow I have a busy day. Helping Tinman move and then dinner and a show with Jane. Somewhere in there I must stop at a store for the boric acid and also for yogurt and butter and a few other things. I also need to deposit some money in the bank as I am finally out of money there and must break into my emergency car payment funds as all the survival funds will be depleted when the current credit card balance is paid. Laundry is on the list of things I must do as well, but that and the banking will likely spill over to Sunday or Monday. Writing al this will hopefully remind me to do these things.

Life sucks a bit these days (and not just because no adorable dancing girl showed up to fill seduce me with her charms), so it may be time for a distraction (roaches really suck), so here is a bit of random biology for us. This distraction is brought to us by

Biology is the study of life. Life is explained in the form of truths and even the very complicated facets can be logically explained and simplified by this subject. Byju’s educational philosophy tries to look around in the day to day life and learn from the processes that are going on. Sincerely studying this subject can get you a good job and respect but the practical application it has and the details of them would leave you in tears. The Biology subject has a reputation to be long drawn and heavy thus Byju’s takes a different approach. This post is all about the various interesting facts that the subject entails.
--When the world goes cold and the natural resources are at a low people who like to have a hot cup of coffee will have to shout for around eight years, seven months and six days before the sound energy is enough to heat up the coffee.

--The pressure in our human heart is enough to send blood squirting up to around ten feet in the air. Just like a pressure pump!

--The color of the blood is red due to the iron in our blood that has been bound with porphyrin which is a ring of atoms. It’s due to this shape of the structure that the color of the blood is red. The higher the amount of oxygen in the blood the more red it will seem.

--Banging one’s head against the wall requires around hundred and fifty calories per hour. Although I don’t think you’ll be up for the second hour.

--The ant that we know well has an ability to lift around fifty times its weight and can pull more than thirty times its weight.

--Elephants can’t jump. Just like cows can’t fly. Just imagine if they would be able to do that.

--Starfishes do not have a brain. It’s good, believe me, or they would have invented problems that didn’t exist then give themselves a headache over them problems.

--People are more scared of spiders than death! It’s a strange thought to think of when one considers the reality that spider clean themselves profusely after having touched a human.

--The appendix that was considered useless once by the biological society has now been found to be helping our digestive system. It contains bacteria useful for the process.

--A person would have to fart for six year and nine months so that they have enough gas to create the energy required for an atomic bomb. Creating an atom bomb doesn’t seem so easy now, does it?
Students can learn various other facts and interesting topics by watching the video lectures or graphical articles by visiting us. A huge spectrum of cool topics concerning every subject can be explored and learned more about on the Byju’s website.

Make the most of your time - you never know when nature will call for pest control.

Narf :}

Friday, November 25, 2016

Stay Calm and Narf :)

My nose is still running, my throat is still scratchy, my energy is definitely not as low as it's been the past few days (a high calorie dinner last night and a breakfast of Keebler Fudge Sticks might have something to do with that), my blah is high, though it may be coming down. Low iron, takew the iron supplements. Adjust to the change in medication. Get out of this very high mold environment and into fresh air for a while (though if I am fighting a cold/flu bug, being around people is not wise and staying in bed is - catch-22). Sleep when sleep calls (I have that luxury, so take advantage of it, dammit!... yes, Dr. McCoy lol).

Thanksgiving reminded me that I miss Jackson more than I want to and don't understand (at least not completely) why she still texts multiple times a day and calls me her BFF when she so seldom makes time to get together and doesn't seem to want to know what's going on in my life. I got five or six invitations to Thanksgiving dinner from people who do not call me BFF and I don't think all of them were just feeling sorry for me. Anyway, alas, I treasure the few words in each text and even it is just pretending she cares (though I know she really does care in her heart, she is just used to not putting it into actions for reasons buried deep in her psyche that we won't analyze here out of respect for her privacy). What can you do with family like that?... Sing how do you solve a problem like a Jackson? shout flibbertijibbet! and just go on loving her for the beautiful being she is.

So I went back to sleep and woke twice more to urinate (getting used to the diuretic is an inconvenience, alas), and finally woke late afternoon feeling a lot better, though still not up to par (no less great). Took my vitamins. I watched some TV and after a couple of hours felt a little better and even hungry.

Expecting little to nothing open at 7pm on Thanksgiving, I searched online for places that might be open and found nothing nearby (no surprise) and I pondered a bit and then decided to drive out hoping one of my two favorite pizza places would be open, but they were not. I found a CVS and Walgreens open and picked up food there. I completely threw my healthy weight loss diet plan out the window, indulging my emotional food monster and whatever, and settled for the decadence they had (though it could have been much worse). I bought a Digiorgio pizza, a Velveeta a cheeseburger dish, Deans onion dip, cheese doodles, Lays chips, True Moo chocolate milk, and Keebler fudge sticks (dam those elves lol). Hey, I could have bought ice cream and a whole lot more, so I'll forgive myself and move on.

Being in a critical mood did not help as the frozen pizza was mediocre and the dip was eh and, well, I decided I'd document the fudge sticks complaint I have experience many times before. being in the mood did not alter the reality or truth in the , just inspired me to document it. The pizza was way too bready as I was not in the mood for that much bread and it definitely did not have enough cheese and, well, it was frozen pizza so I got what I paid for. Way more expensive than at a supermarket, as was everything else. Wah wah wah, wasted money and calories, but impulsive self-indulgences do that.

Keebler Fudge Sticks are one of my favorites cookies and every time I buy a package I wonder if the wafers will be fresh or stale. At least half the time they are stale and I look at the date on the package and there is at least six month left. I tell myself never to buy them at a convenience store of small store. I have come to realize that the date on the package can not be trusted. This particular product is not dated properly and I will try to remember to write to Keebler to let them know.

So what else is new? (laughing as I surface from my babbling to notice my self-indulgent complaining mode is in full swing... it is the loneliness and left-out-ness and betrayal and overall dislike of humanity inflamed by my personal health and economic situation and lack of love and this holiday, no doubt. The good news is I can laugh at myself so I am not a lost cause, just the occasionally depressive cynic lol lam).

Morning comes and at least I am still rambling, always a good sign.

I wish I had more positive news
and a more positive perspective
but I am not making my wishes
come true to well these days

Maybe I am just paying some dues
or simply lost somewhere reflective
but life is far from auspicious
and a song of silence plays

longing for better days

Stay Calm and Narf :)

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Feeling Crappy

I was not feeling well yesterday or today. Likely it was at least in part due to the change of meds back to the BP med with the diuretic as that takes some adjusting for the body, especially as it came when I was attempting to refocus my diet on extremely lean again, another shock to the system. The body was not sleeping well this week and the mind sleeping even more poorly for who knows how many reasons. I did eat a lot more calories and salts and spices for four days in a row coming into Monday of this week and returning to fasting took it's toll. I had gained 5 pounds between last week's doctor's appointment and this week's doctor's appointment, so rededicating myself the healthy weight loss diet and routine was essential - but the iron levels dropped to a point where I was feeling very poorly (another contributing factor... did I mention I was feeling crappy yet?). All the other blood values (except kidneys, which did improve greatly) returned to normal with the 23 pound weight loss and healthier eating, so that is great news.

Eventually the lab results will be summarized and uploaded to the body blog (I said that last time and never got around ti it, didn't I?... well, the summary is somewhere and I will get around to it one of these days... in case it matters to anyone but me, la la la la). Ultimately the very low iron was a serious concern for the doctor and points to a possible sign of blood loss somewhere and my GI doctor appointment was upgraded to the chief specialist at the free clinic who comes in just once a month. The chances of me getting a free colonoscopy went up a lot, though I was cautioned to not get my hopes up too high as even for the few free colonoscopies they do, it can take months before an appointment is set up. I see the GI Specialist on December 19th. Imagine, looking forward to a colonoscopy. Getting older is a strange experience of changing perspectives and values lol.

So what else brings me here to feeling crappy?

Well, I was out late, outdoors in below 50 degrees in a T-Shirt Sunday night after a full day outdoors at the softball fields and may have chilled the body enough to lower the resistance. I also ate a whole lot more carbs and calories than I have in two months. Monday was a typical day except for the bloat which was not fun. I got a call for a job interview for December 1st. A Health Department Investigator Manager job, I think. Fingers are crossed. I must make sure I have clean and pressed clothes before then, which is not simple when everything is packed in boxes in storage twenty minutes away and cleaners is not in the usual budget, but I'll figure something out.

We interrupt this bit of babbling for a moment of Fiscal Reality (Dau Dau Dauhhhh!)... I spent way more than the budget this month with the move, storage, car insurance payment, and a whole lot of necessary and unnecessary self-indulgences - I must slam down on the brakes immediately or I will lose the car if I need to start paying rent and I don't find income within a few months. The car, sigh, another big thorn between Jackson and me... I bought it in February of 2014 specifically after a serious talk with her contingent on her promise to pay her share of the bills. She didn't (still doesn't), then the job loss, now the savings going down fast, and the health issues, and... Calm Down!!!... lol, ok, de-stress, forgive, love, be who you are and everything will work itself out somehow (positive self-talk).

Enough fiscal reality - that's the way to push people away and that's the last thing I want to do.

The usual Wednesday blahs (it's been a pattern these this past year that I have nothing pre-scheduled for Wednesdays and I try to enjoy a relaxing restful day of doing little or nothing but it's been more a day of depressive reflection this year and though I was not feeling unduly dark or depressed, I was feeling very not well) and it could be that the body is fighting off a bug or few and the lab results and serious concerns the doctor expressed on Tuesday. I spent most of Tuesday and Tuesday night and Wednesday and Wednesday night watching TV, catching up on CBS shows and started watching Timeless most of tonight. Then there's sunrise.

The ear continues screaming so loud. Pulsing. The blood pressure definitely continued rising since changing meds last week and even if the doctor did not agree to me going back to the meds I was on, I was going to do it anyway - so good she agreed. My nose is running, my throat is scratchy, my energy is low, my blah is high. The low iron is the factor the nurse and doctor and my medical training emphasized. The change in medication plays a role as those are side effects and while the body got used to the meds, going off for a week and started again Tuesday night likely brought them back temporarily. Spending too many consecutive hours in this very high mold environment may play a role as well, but I've got to get used to it if I am to stay here through January and I am welcome to do that. Not sleeping is probably the largest contributing factor as it always affects my moods and equilibrium one way or another and it definitely sent me into a really crappy physical feeling that lasted into this morning.

I cancelled plans for dinner with Jane, who is the most positive overall energy I know in the physical life these days. She invited me to her place and then changed the invite to go to her friend's place and I just was not up to visiting strangers for a Thanksgiving dinner when not feeling well (not liking the holiday does not help, but that's another story). I had four other invitations so I am appreciative - though not from Jackson, alas, which hurts, but she is still working through her co-dependency on me and her guilt for draining my savings and not reciprocating now, so I understand. I just don't have to like it.

Gonna sit back on the bed, rest, and watch some more TV.

Maybe more sleep will help.

Narf :}

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Health Is Important

Yeah, so I woke up feeling wonky, just not well. I ate some oatmeal and took vitamins and the blood pressure medication and spent the day resting and watching TV. I am not sure how much better I feel now. I got really hungry an hour ago and ate a can of spaghettios and a bag of shrimp and I feel bloated and I am still hungry. I am not sure if that is emotional hunger or the anemia or something else. The tinnitus is screaming pulsing with the blood pressure and the front behind the eye pressure is really strong and it just sucks to be me right now. Somewhere in one of my boxes is the blood pressure meter but I don't feel like finding it. I don't want to sleep, but I don't want to do anything. I just want to feel better.

And I am hungry.

The doctor said I should not exert myself until I get checked out by the GI doctor but that is a whole month away and sitting around is not good either. I may just be experiencing the Wednesday low as the weekly cycle seems to bring me to a physical bottoming out point every Wednesday and yet, the tinnitus screaming pulse has not been this bad in a long time. maybe it's because the blood pressure meds were changed last week. I started on the other meds again last night with the doctor's permission and maybe this is just my body adjusting to them. I just feel really crappy.

Strange hungers call out to me from this body in spite of feeling poorly.

the creativity
is not always easy
when distraction comes
body pain and the mind numbs

Used to be exercise
would being back the wise
but doctors tell me no
the blood work says don't go

pressure is high in here
pulses scream in my ear
the neck and head feel bad
it really makes me sad

I want to be a child
just running free and wild
but I am growing old
the body feeling cold
I'm doing what I'm told
I am finally sold

maybe tomorrow will be better than today
I just want to go out and play

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Hope and Diligence

Even with the pig-out holiday coming up this week and several invitations to pig out (as if anybody eats just one plate and pretends they are not eating even more than this lol), the focus on eating healthier for weight reduction started today. I ate three buffet meals on three consecutive days and two other large meals in the past week and I feel the bloat, the higher blood pressure, the lethargy, and the way it taxes the body. After losing 23 pounds between September 6th and November 15th and feeling a whole lot better, I am back on that course because I like feeling a whole lot better. It may not be easy during this next month and a half when gorging on very high calorie foods will be the very highly encouraged norm, but I have always been a rebel and this year, more than ever, I have incentive to rebel with a cause. Tomorrow I see the doctor to go over my lab results.

My preliminary reading is a big YAY! as there is just one major concern in the lab results and that is my iron deficiency seems to have increased. Now I could be cautious and say the fact that I drank 5x16.9 ounces of water just before the blood tests may have skewed the results in my favor slightly, but the doctor said make sure I am well hydrated this time as she suspected I may have been dehydrated last time (and I was) and that lowered all of the results, including the iron. I could also be bleeding more than I realize cuz it is being reabsorbed in my intestines and not noticeable when I wipe my butt so the GI Specialist scheduled for December 5th is a very sensible idea. My symptoms and iron levels should get me a free colonoscopy, which will relieve stress cuz knowing is much less stressful than not knowing for me. Some of the highlights from the lab results are:

GFR up from 53 to 74
Triglycerides down from 404 (High) to 145 (Normal)
Cholestorol down from 199 (Normal) to 164 (Normal)
Glucose, Serum/Plasma down from 127 (High) to 91 (Normal)

So I did good with my healthy weight reduction eating plan and the lab results (and how I feel) reinforce the continued focus on dropping another 10 or 20 pounds. And exercise, I must increase exercise both aerobic and muscle strengthening. Yup, 2017 is the year to get back into the best body shape and condition I've been in for the past decade. Maybe I'll even have sex (oh, the self-mockery can bite my ass lol lam).

So what else is new?

As I did not get home until almost 3 am and then wrote and uploaded babble to the old babbling blog TheReal(TM), I slept until about 10 am (I think, I might have been up earlier and I definitely did not get enough sleep, but that's the way it is sometimes). I checked email and job opportunities and wrote more (teasing you by not putting links in here, so there). No Facebook, hallaluya lol. A call came to let me know I made it to stage two of a management job with the Health Department and I have an interview for December 1st. I must check my clothing availability and make sure I have something to wear that is clean and pressed and all that. I am not absolutely sure exactly which position they called about or how much the salary might be of how much travel is involved, but I do recall taking a pre-interview test for a health department investigator job. I applied for an Investigation Manager job on October 19th and an Investigation Specialist II job on October 6th. The former supervises the latter and pays about $18,000 more a year and I believe is mostly at the office while the later is mostly in the field so the Manager job would be sweet, but I'd accept either if offered. State jobs take so long to process and do not pay as well as some private jobs, but the benefits are great. Fingers crossed.

The Maharaja's friend packed and left and I helped her load her car. We chatted and exchanged emails and numbers and she said she'd send me some information about jobs she knows about and she did. Sweet person. I enjoyed the afternoon playing chess and writing (always a good sign... I needed some rest as I pushed the body painting two days then softball and hanging out real late on my feet in the cold so I paused in my job search for today to give myself some me time.

I played chess and watched some TV on the computer, catching up on NCIS and Elementary. Then I showered and headed for softball. Alas, I did not hit well, two at bats, two outs, the first time a double play with bases loaded and no outs, killing a rally. Fatigue, dammit. We needed to win to get into the playoffs and we might have won but the team did not field well at all and we lost 16-12. After my game I hung out to watch friends play their games and talked to friends who are umpires and then headed home for a shower and here we are. A simple day.

Hope you enjoyed your day too. :)

I shall leave you with this:

When we spend months without looking at the sky
Of the great and of the eternal we lose.
When we stop looking at each other's eyes
We are unable to understand ourselves.

When the mirror shows us the defects
And we try to fix ourselves, we get damaged.
When the load weighs on our back
Under our creations we fall.

Someday, I hope not too far away,
We will hold hands and we will love each other.
We will learn.

When fear governs our decisions
We are clouded options, we blind.

When this game of greed and money
Is overflowing in the desire, we sell.
When hatred becomes part of the discourse
We forget that before God we are equal.

When suffering suffices
Only then, my life, will we change.

Someday, I hope not too far away,
We will hold hands and we will love each other.
We will learn.

Monday, November 21, 2016

Sunday Softball Concludes (and the fun goes on)

I am extremely tired so this entry might be full of typos and rather incomplete in spots and may be edited and or added to tomorrow, but for now, this was the day that was. Today was a full afternoon of softball fun and then an evening of softball celebrating at the award banquet and then a night of just plain old fun bat hopping. Yes, I went bar hopping. I know, it is not my cup of tea, so to speak, but I wanted social life. I spent no money at the bars and got no negativity from anyone and I enjoyed being with people and the conversation and the entertainment (except for the smoking, but we spent most of the night outside even though the temperature dropped below 50 degrees {I know, frigid weather for Florida} and I was still in a T-Shirt).

Also, the laptop died and I lost some profound words while writing this, so I am mourning and pissed and that might effect my affect and the tone of this entry because a large part of me wants to throw this laptop out the window and drop a nuke on the Microsoft corporation because their operating system is so (no sufficiently satisfying expletive) unreliable.

I enjoyed the luxury of sleeping in, though it was interrupted a couple of times by the phone, though I did not wake up enough to answer or read. A text from Jackson and a couple of calls, one from an unknown number and one from harpo while I was asleep last night. He calls at odd hours sometimes. Jackson was letting me know her parents were in town and going to be at her game, but when I woke it was too late since the text was an hour before her game so whatever... I decided to stop arranging my schedule to go to her games because she doesn't let me know when she is not showing up and she doesn't seem to care one way or another if I am there and we don't talk beyond a brief hug hello and goodbye and she doesn't come to my games anymore and all that (and fewer texts and rarely seeing each other) points to the overall drifting away that seems to be what she wants so I am giving her what she wants as far as I can tell... it is tough to know because she does not communicate through words very often... it is also tough to be an afterthought (her parents don't come into town impulsively so if she wanted me to be there or share any time she'd have let me know during the week or at least the day before), especially after giving as much as I gave for so long {not to mention hearing all her promises of reciprocation... recalling how she used to tease our closeness by saying how "You're stuck with me" stings a bit more than I'd like it to since we now don't talk more than a few minutes a month, if that much and a few words in text seem to be all she can give... ok, let's not let the mood the laptop crashing and loss of words influence my thoughts here... I accept and love her as she is because I adopted her and she is my family and I will continue doing whatever I can for he when she needs something because that is what families do and she will grow and mature in her own time. Faith in her, hope for family.

Anyway, back to life as I know it for anyone interested...

I woke around 11 am to give myself a couple of hours before I had to be at the fields. I sat back and relaxed and babbled freely (massive entry to follow elsewhere) until it was time to shower and head to the fields. It was a beautiful day for softball with temperatures in the 60s. More softball below. After the last game I headed home and showered and wrote some more before heading to the end of season banquet at Southern Nights, one of the frequented haunts by our league (on the gay nightclub circuit as Sunday is the local LGBT league sanctioned by NAGAAA, the North American Gay Amateur Athletic Association) where we ate some barbecue and chicken and mac and cheese and salad catered by The Hammered Lamb, a local pub. Lots of good food (None on my healthy weight loss diet though, alas). Lots of people, lots of hugs, lots of awards. No meaningful romance or hot passionate sex, at least not for me (ah, so the snarky sarcasm seems to be returning after all), but still lots of fun.

After the banquet a group of us (friends from the B Division Circus team along with some of my team and some others) went bar hopping to The Savoy for a couple of hours and then we hopped to P-House and hung out for the midnight show at P-House and after that we headed to I-Hop for food. I did not need the food. I am way too stuffed, just like old times, not good. I reprimand myself in my general direction. Tomorrow I start the reversal of the past week's eating pattern. Today, all in all, was a fun day, evening, and night.

Hope you had a fun Sunday too. :)

Now to catch up on softball... The softball season is almost over, alas, with two of my three leagues done. We finished in third place (out of four teams with two teams at 7-2 and two teams at 3-6 and 2-7 respectively, an unfair imbalanced league we hope will improve next season as it is not fun to play against teams who are so good they toy with other teams which amounts to half the games being not fun) on Friday nights.

We finished third place on Sundays (after starting 1-3 thanks to key people not showing up for critical games against teams that finished 13-1 and 11-3, two teams that accounted for three of our four loses) and finishing 9-1 for the last nine for an overall 14-4 record. We averaged scoring 13 runs a game and averaged giving up 7 runs a game, but that includes at least a half dozen games where I deliberately pitched meatballs for the last inning or two because we had a huge lead and I had control of the other team's hitters and felt my defense was confident behind me. I don't like completely shutting down teams because it is supposed to be a fun league and I know it is no fun for a team to get completely shut down so I give them a chance to hit when we have a big lead. That also gives my defense practice they would not get in a complete shut down game. We have the best infield defense in the league by far when they are on and confident. Outfield can use some work.

Hopefully the team will show up to the critical games next season because next season's finish determines the World Series berths (it is in Portland, Oregon next year) and only the first and second place teams make it. I will go anyway with one of the two teams that make it, but it would be nice if my team took it seriously because we can make it if we do. We did finished highest of any local teams in this year's World Series in Austin.

Monday night has two weeks left and we play a team we are tied with for fourth this week and a team we are a half game behind (at the moment) next week which determines if we make the playoffs. Monday night has three teams that don't belong, two way too good (one who will not lose a game and the other who's only loses come to the first team who are too good to lose a game) and one that won't win a game this season. At least we finish the season playing the two other teams with whom we are evening matched. Those are fun games, but six out of ten games are so not fun that the league needs to get that right to justify charging $400 a season.

Guess I will start making a point to wake up Saturday mornings and travel way across town to play with the seniors from now on. I wonder if they are playing next Saturday give it's Thanksgiving weekend. I shall check when I see some of them tomorrow night as they play on another field at the same complex where I play on Monday nights.

So now, right here, you have a fairly comprehensive summary of the day that was today as it slowly becomes yesterday as well as a summary of the current softball season . What else would you like to know? Come on, this is supposed to be an interactive process, after all.

Narf :)

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Busy Work

Busy work without pay as the unemployment continues. Feeling myself sliding into a sadness tonight in spite of staying very busy. Maybe I will explore it later (in the edge of your seat?). Well, there is a roadblock in my mind and emergency lights trying to blind me, a cacophony of sirens reduce me to rubble, and all I want to do is lay down and give in to giving up but I just don't know how. How's that for a manly depressive mood? Stop laughing, it's not funny lol lam. I am such a lost cause, alas, no wonder nobody understand me or wants to stay close, the madness must scare everyone away. Alone again, naturally.

I do busy work to keep from falling down
I do busy work to placate the clown
it's the busy work that keeps me alive
the distraction that fools me to survive

Laughter is my best friend
I've given up on my fears
No reason to pretend
I've wasted all these years
Laughter is all I need
Worry's a waste of time
Even when I must bleed
as long as the words rhyme
I can laugh at all my fears
and see rainbows through my tears
simple as it seems
amidst broken dreams
this magic appears
whether wise or just insane
it makes sense within my brain
so it is as real as I feel
(no big deal)
I can laugh at all my fears
and see rainbows through my tears

Here, maybe this will help (today's brief {slightly edited, as usual} entry):

A busy day from wake up before sunrise through just getting home after midnight. Writing in the morning (linkage to follow), then off to Tinman's to paint (and buy gifts), then to dinner with Helen (change in car), then to cards with Curly, Excel, and The Commodore (stuffed), and now back to The Maharaja's place (shower?) where he is busy welcoming another guest (new friend?). Turns out she is moving to Orlando, which is a surprise for him and I wonder how that will effect my staying here. They are chatting in the living room. Positive thoughts please (The mind is not cooperating with that request tonight, but it was such a fun day). Fatigue. I just sent out two more job applications tonight as I checked email when I got home and found more opportunities. Received another rejection email. All in all, low on the energy and happy-happy-joy-joy scales (and when both are low, it's a hard knocks life, aye gov'na?... nothing to say, but it's ok... la la la).

Keeping busy, keeping up appearances, fun until I am alone again, naturally.

Tomorrow, tomorrow... hope you are smiling :)

narf :)

I coulda been somebody, yeah, I coulda been a contender. Sometimes I let the music sing to me. Sometimes I let the music speak for me. Sometimes I let the music play off key. Just to see if anyone is listening. Just to see if anyone hears. Just to see if anyone is missing it. Just to see if anyone cares. When that hard rain finally falls. I don't want to be alone. I know I've given my all. Yet I am still on my own. I have no more to give yet I keep giving. I have no will to live yet I keep living. I have no will to care yet I keep caring. I have nothing to share - yet am I shared? Is anyone there, is anyone hearing? Don't let the su-u-un go down on me. Wondering if it's wasted time. Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away, now it looks as though they're here to stay. Someone save my life tonight. Before we get too deep.

What does it mean to be a BFF
I don't think I understand
the word friend is defined so differently
by most people I meet today

You don't want to know (not really), no one wants to know (not really), everyone just get on with your lives without me and no worries for the time being here... no worries for the time being here... it doesn't matter if I'm wrong or right, but where do I belong?

You don't want to know (no no no, not really),
no one wants to know (no no no, not really),
everyone just get on with your lives without me
and no worries for the time being here...
no worries for the time being here

Will I die alone tonight?
Lonely are these words I write
Will anyone understand
Will someone take my hand

I feel like I am lost in the mall of life
everyone is rushing so hard so fast
silence can cut through me like a knife
wonder, will a moment ever last?
You don't want to know (no no no, not really),
no one wants to know (no no no, not really),
everyone just get on with your lives without me
and no worries for the time being here...
no worries for the time being here

Can you hear my heart beating?
The drum pounds me through the ground
Does no one know where to find me?
Buried in the lost and found
Can you hear the sirens coming?
Moments before I expire
No one left who will remind me
Toss a log upon the fire
celebrate the pyre
You don't want to know (no no no, not really),
no one wants to know (no no no, not really),
everyone just get on with your lives without me
and no worries for the time being here...
no worries for the time being here

Silence screams out from the darkness
like a cancer calls my name
blinded by this empty feeling
going numb from too much pain
nobody's to blame
I've gone insane

Maybe sing the chorus once again (ha ha ha ha) and so it goes, and so it goes... and now nobody wants to know so now nobody even knows. So sad, sometimes it feels so sad. And it's a sad sad situation. Nobody noticed (or nobody wants to know). That's life. And 'round here, life ain't no bowl of cherries in spite of the buffet life three night in a row.

Can we please stop now?

Meanwhile, the fountain of sorrow plays me to sleep (or is it reggae pasta, mon? and I fight through it to write another line (in case it matters) and while there is so much more to come, I shall pause this entry and leave you with this...

Pon a belly full or pon a belly empty the youths dem starving
Pon a bad day or pon a bad night the youths dem under warning
Rubbing dem eyes fi check delusion inna morning
Dem wonder weh dem at, wonder who dem a, wonder who dem callin
Dem a di future see dem running outta time
Dem want fi find an answer inna crime
Nah wanna be caught up, wanna be set up and rewind
We seek redemption gate fi my generation mind

And I wonder where do I belong?
Been looking for a place for to long
And when dem a come ya
We run outta town a simple man nah never wear a crown
Again I wonduh where do I belong?
Been looking for a place for to long
And when dem a come ya
We run outta town a simple man nah never wear a crown

Me say everybody come fi get a permission fi demand it
Nobody nah think about if dem absolutely want it
A better man know say whether man know say – love it or despise it
Mostly we will never overstand or recognize it
I'd love to hear dem apology fi bitin'
Every part of me, every bone of me, every single chance I see
Holy pa trouble comin' back and make we sad
Sometimes life gwaan mad

And I wonder where do I belong?
Been looking for a place for to long
And when dem a come ya
We run outta town a simple man nah never wear a crown
Again I wonduh where do I belong?
Been looking for a place for to long

And when dem a come ya
We run outta town a simple man nah never wear a crown

I a beg I a beg you to stop every rumor
From you know life you nah speak
Breakaway dem barriers and chase away fears
Burn out every possible pollution or tears
A me say I know we no want no devil around
I know we no want no devil around
I know we no want no devil around
I know we no want no devil around

And I wonder where do I belong?
Been looking for a place for to long
And when dem a come ya
We run outta town a simple man nah never wear a crown
Again I wonder where do I belong?
Been looking for a place for to long
And when dem a come ya
We run outta town a simple man nah never wear a crown

Pon a belly full or pon a belly empty the youths dem starving
Pon a bad day or pon a bad night the youths dem under warning
Rubbing dem eyes fi check delusion inna morning
Dem wonder weh dem at, wonder who dem a, wonder who dem callin
Dem a di future see dem running outta time
Dem want fi find an answer inna crime
Nah wanna be caught up, wanna be set up and rewind
We seek redemption gate fi my generation mind

Nite Nite... Narf :)

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Wow, Fat Tigue

Two days in a row of Chinese buffet with four hours of painting and five vials of blood taken and the body is reacting big time (bloat, fatigue, discomfort). Timeline... Tuesday awake early after two hours sleep, doctor, storage, home for 3 hour nap, evening dinner at Curly's a rib and a chicken wing and some other foods - sauces and salt, no water, home late, slept ok... Wednesday wake mid-morning, fast (no food), home, limited activity - computer all day (job search, Facebook, emails, browsing, etc). Thursday waking mid-morning, computer (I think), evening Crazy Buffet yummy lots of shrimp and sweet and spicy foods, two soups (spicy seafood and hot and sour), veggies, duck, mackerel, eggplant, string beans, broccoli, onions, mushrooms. Then to Excel's for Bridge - no food or water, home late, four hours sleep... Friday, awake 9 am for painting at Tinman's (he was more than 30 minutes late so I sat in the car in front of his new place hoping I was at the right address... two neighbors eyeballed me and I was not sure parking was allowed on his street, but no other interactions) until 3ish, then to labs - 85 oz water in 30 minutes before labs - and then to storage and then to Hoy Yan buffet yummy, lots of sweet and spicy foods, sushi (3 pieces, cream cheese, avocado, tuna/crab), sashimi (six pieces, tuna and salmon), shrimp, chicken, duck, ribs, kielbasa, beefy onions, chicken veggies, string beans, broccoli, eggplant, onions, mushrooms, three crab rangoons, hot and sour soup, a fried banana, a little rice, and condiments (spicy mayo, eel sauce, duck sauce, mustard) - urinated twice at buffet - then home to computer, fell asleep in chair, computer crashed BSOD as usual, just shut it down and urinated and then to bed early without shower or changing.

Woke 3x to urinate, slept in clothing very restlessly waking several times to roll over, uncomfortable, hard mattress, pillows not right, eh. Then finally woke very groggy to urinate again after screaming (unpleasant dream - group of people came into an home/office where I was staying to complain to the business but the owners (friends I was staying with) were away due to death in family so I tried to help but they were 10+ people all complaining and talking and some trying to snoop into paperwork and my personal phone so I raised my voice and told them to get out of the office now but told one to stay and I would try to reach my friends and and then there were other people closer to me who were yelling in the office as I tried to see a phone and I called another friend by mistake and then I could not hear because two people were yelling at each other in the small office so I yelled at the a few times and they ignored me until I screamed and they looked at me) and that's when I woke up to urinate and come here to write this feeling way groggy, abdominal discomfort (muscular from laying down too long uncomfortable I think), blah.

An hour later (at least) - a bit better now. Just a little yucky bloat. Crotch itch. Should have showered before sitting down last night. Belly bloated. Discomfort (fading). Disorientation (fading). Fatigue. Reaction to food? To change in meds? To paint fumes or hangover? To painting exercise? To sleeping poorly? To water OD or hangover? Sugar levels? Other?

The universe gets the questions, I move along without answers. Another day, Saturday, need shower (The Maharaja is sleeping... hopefully the water won't wake him but old house and bathroom right next to his bedroom - though he says he sleeps deep - though it is morning and he may be awake soon). Text from him overnight that one of his couch-surfing friends will be staying here tonight in his office room which is the small bedroom between his and mine. Female... maybe we'll fall in love or share made passions (ha ha ha - just when the body is so not at it's peak, aye? lol lam) - back to seriousness (as much as that happens here) she may let herself in, the text said so he may not be home until late.

My plan is meet Tinman at his new house to pain more hours (about 11:30 am then pick up Helen at 5:30 pm - take change of clothes) to go to Crazy Buffet (yes, again - eat lighter tonight - walk/exercise after - balance food, salts, and water) and then unknown. Probably back here to relax and computer - definitely shower even if The Maharaja's couch surfer is already here and the bedroom area seems crowded. Tomorrow is the last Sunday softball of the season and have one game scheduled but could play more if ties happen.

Feeling fat. Feeling fatigue. Feeling lower torso bloat and discomfort. Get up and shower and move around.

Start the day.

Narf. :)

Friday, November 18, 2016

Back to the Blog

If you did not notice, the last few weeks (or longer) the time stamp for each entry has been just before midnight, often 11:59 PM. That is a sign of back-dating as I typically write after midnight because I typically am not home earlier. You may recall Monday, Friday, and Sunday are softball and sports bar nights. Tuesday and Thursday are card nights. Saturday night, well, Saturday night is just alright lol. Especially since I move in with The Maharaja (who must have burnt some toast tonight because the house smelled like burnt toast when I walked in just now), I spend a little time talking to him before heading to my room when he is awake. He typically goes to sleep before midnight. Lately I've been checking Facebook before coming to blogging - or I've been checking for a link there while blogging and get lost there a while so... after midnight. Today I decided to catch up (at least in the briefer step one blog of this (if you recall) two step blogging world I am currently calling the current blogs. I ran out of time before I could update this one (cuz dirt, drama, and details take their sweet time, ya know) so that's coming, but the change is the time date stamp is now accurate in real time, at least for now. Remember RealTime(TM)? How about when blogging was (e)thereal?

This is what we must remember (and the links within, too).

If you understand, then you understand (if you do not understand my silence, you will not understand my words).

Preach it, sistah!

There are only 6,791 posts there that will tell you more than you ever wanted to know about the last seven years (prior to this one) in this life I loosely call mine. If you want to know me, it's a very good place to start. Then there are thousands of other posts in previous and other blogs to consider. The question is how much do you really want to know about me? which boils down to how much do you really want to know me, aye? Yeah, it's a challenge. You want less, you'll find it out there somewhere (I want you to find what you want to find). If you wish to be my friend, the words are here and I am right behind them.

So here we are, back to the blog. This is the challenge I put to you, share. Read and get to know me. Write and let me know you. Who knows what can come of us becoming two who trust each other. Two who love each other. Two who fall in love. Ummm, well, somebody's gotta do it, right? lol lam lau.

So what's going on? (ooo, are we catching up?) :)

Days are passing without a whole lot of meaning these days as I have no truly meaningful connections with anyone anymore now that Jackson has drifted away and I don't see other friends who share more than fun and games too often. Not that fun and games are not fun and valuable sharing, but there is deeper sharing that we all crave (at least I do) and that is not happening these days. We (Jackson and I) still keep in touch through brief texts each day, but we haven't actually shared any time other than a meal maybe once a month and we hardy talk anymore. Sad, but that's the natural pattern when a best friend falls in love and moves on into a couple (or even when a child moves out of the parent's nest). I miss her, but we have different, separate lives now and I accept that I am not a priority for her time. Hey, life goes on and I am happy she is happy. If I had someone to share the deeper stuff with, I'd not miss her the same way, but for now, there's a big void of emptiness where she used to live in me. Maybe you understand.

My time out of work has been mostly divided among a few activities. I mentioned my evenings in a previous paragraph in this entry. My days are spent looking for work and that remains the highest priority after generally enjoying life and caring. Job hunting largely happens online and spills over into other online activities which are primarily writing my babbling blogs, reading and commenting on posts by friends and others on Facebook, reading and commenting on articles on Facebook and sites all over the web, and watching some TV, though time for the latter has diminished a lot in this new shared space as I have less time alone and the sound must be kept very low at night because the bedrooms are close (at the same end of the house). That sometimes makes the shows more like silent films and I lose interest because I typically watch TV in the background (remember?) and that requires the sound.

Beyond the internet which fills my days and late nights, most of my time is playing softball or playing cards. I see other friends, Helena and Jane, mostly, for one on one shared meals or other activities and that is fun. My new roommate, The Maharaja is a brilliant guy and we have interesting conversations about things none of my other friends are interested in if they could understand (science, chemistry, physics, mathematics, that is The Maharaja's playground). He's great for reminding me I have a brain. I don't get together with Lone Wolf too often partly because he works evenings, but I'd like to make a point of spending more time with him and his wife too who was a friend before I met him. Harpo is in a category by himself because he is so unique. We talk a few times a week and when I can drag him out of his house for a little while, we hang out for as long as he can take it. He is so high strung, he doesn't come out too much which is a shame because he has a beautiful heart.

I've left out people, but then, this blog is about me, not them (so there... I throw raspberries in your general direction).

Today I did not spend much time on Facebook because I was catching up on blogs (at least the brief entry one is caught up). I need to balance my time because if I spend too much time giving to others I feel neglected and that throws a monkey wrench into my equilibrium and happiness cuz as happy as I am helping others there's an itch inside that needs scratching too and if I ignore it too long, the pouty child kicks me in the shins (or something like that). Now if I only had someone who was here to remind me when I disappear for a few days or more, oh what fun we'd have playing with words. The dreamer dreams. :)

Because I have to fast tonight for lab work I need to get done tomorrow, I stopped for dinner before heading to Excel and the Commodore's for cards at the Crazy Buffet which I feel is the best Chinese Buffet for the money in town largely because it has my favorite foods prepared as I like them. Mackerel Sashimi is not on any other buffet that I know of and it is always on this one - fresh and filleted well. I love shrimp and this place has medium sized shrimp deveined with tail off cooked just right with onions, mushrooms, and peppers. I can add them to soup or any of the other seafood dishes to increase the shrimp content to my liking. They have ribs and duck, though the duck is sometimes more fatty than the second best buffet. Everything is cooked just right much more often than not and the hot food is kept hot and the cold food is kept cold. There are a lot of other items on their buffet that spans at least ten tables with at least a dozen dishes on each table. They also have a good dessert (typical, but good) bar and ice cream that is fresh and kept at the right temperature. Above all else, it presents as a clean place.

So I stuffed myself with yummy food and life was wonderful once again (I had fasted since Tuesday night).

Tonight cards were fun, though slow moving. That usually happens when Violet is there as she talks a lot and forgets she is playing cards sometimes. It was a surprising evening as Curly must have either searched his heart or spoken to Excel because I showed up and he was friendlier than he's been in months. During the night he explained why he gets so upset with me and while I think it is an excuse, I accepted the explanation and will pay attention to the specific cause which seems to be my talking about cards as we are playing them. Everybody does it, but he singled that out as the thing that triggers him so I will see what I can do about not participating in conversations when I sense he is getting tense and especially not initiating card discussion while playing. I reminded him that we are supposed to be playing a friendly, sometimes silly game and we are also trying to learn and learning doesn't happen without discussion and he agreed, so I hope for some compromise. Hopefully I'll remember at specific moments and hopefully that will help.

I also impulsively watched these these these videos. Did I mention I love shrimp?

I really should sleep now. In six hours I am supposed to be twenty minutes from here helping Tinman paint rooms in his new house. Hopefully I can fall asleep easy. The blood pressure is high (I can tell because I hear it in my left ear as a pulse in the tinnitus and the left neck pain is back for the first time in many weeks, thought that could also be from sitting at the computer and then playing cards all day and night too), partly due to the high salt content in the food I ate tonight, but possibly because or the medication change. I promised the doctor I would go with it until the lab work so I will, but if I feel like this tomorrow I will take the old med with the diuretic and see if there's a difference. I'd rather slightly altered blood values as a side effect from the medication than high blood pressure that keeps me awake with stress and pain and could kill me faster in a variety of ways.

Yeah, how's that for a big finish?

Don'tcha miss me? lol lam :)

narf :)