Carry On Babbling

So I almost completely forgot about football most weeks this year, losing in the first round of the fantasy football playoffs because I forgot to set my team and three of my players were out for my playoff game. Lost by three points so I'd have surely won if any one of those three played or if I simply remembered to check and put in subs who were active. I also forgot about the college bowl games until today so I missed all the big games over the weekend (and all the games before that). I'm listening to Wisconsin vs Western Michigan in the Cotton Bowl on my iPhone right now. It is the game that CBDSport is playing and that is the sports station that pops up first, so I won't spend time trying to figure out how to search for other stations. I accidentally found out how to play music and radio on the iPhone just a few moments ago.

Yes, I am a techno-dinosaur.

Yeah right, anyway, if the next part of this entry is a repeat of something posted last year, well, at least it was posted last year and not yesterday (blank stare), so for all the numb-dumb pathetic bravado about rebelling against the social conventions of going out to parties and celebrations and social gatherings on New Years Eve (though there is positive truth in that I'd have made staying home much fun too), I stumbled home about 8am smiling and mostly satisfied to have hung out with people for sixteen or more hours rather than stay home and enjoy solitude while dipping into a pity-party so a little less bah humbug for the whole human race and more sighs of acceptance of humanity as it is.

Thank goodness I still don't really fit in, but can still enjoy myself on the surface in groups.

Sometimes.

I headed to Curly's as he sent a last minute text letting me know he was having a party. The Commodore mentioned that Curly posted an open house party on Facebook. His open house was a demonstration of how isolated he made himself in recent years as four out of the five Bridge Group regulars showed up, including him, plus one extra. So I sat there with four extremely obese people and ate and ate and then sat for all but maybe five minutes all evening (a few trips to the bathroom was the only movement). I got up to stoke the fire and stand more because, well, for one thing I don't want to be obese. Not even one of the other players in the Tuesday night card group showed up and nobody else. I realize that should slap myself when I feel low about myself and my aloneness, for I am by far the most active and connected in every way of the people in that group. The largest person (the plus one) could barely stand and left around 10pm. It is so sad people let themselves get to such suicidal physical proportions. I stayed until past midnight, skipping another party, partly out of support for them.

I ate (Curly prepared his usual, barbecued brisket and beans, mushrooms and onions, baked potatoes, sweet potato fries {a favorite for me and The Commodore}, cucumber salad, and some barbecued chicken). He prepared food for at least a dozen people, most of it consumed by four. I bought cookies for dessert and his mom baked a cake (she left before I got there). I helped to stoke the fire (bonfire in the backyard) while Curly set off fireworks over the lake.

Lots of colorful fireworks.

I skipped a party at Glinda's to spend more time there and also to conserve gas, time, and decadence because she usually has tons of good food and I did not need to eat more. I knew I would see most of the people I knew who who went there at Harpo's after midnight so shortly after midnight I headed to Harpo's and hung out there playing games until after 8am and here we are babbling on again - may this year be our best ever :)

So even though I would have enjoyed staying home, I did have fun. I was reminded people cared as much as they dare even if they don't show it much, if at all. I was reminded that I have a much happier and healthier perspective on life and life habits than most people I know and I am much luckier than most people. And I see that the introspective analysis seems to still be coming lol lam, however delayed by going out and having fun. I also brought some truths I've been pressing down into the darkness of my mind closer to actual consciousness. There are a whole lot of self-destructive and several very depressed people in my closest circle of friends and I do avoid social interaction partly because I do not have more than one or two healthy happy people in that circle. There are some, at least on the surface, happy people, but they are almost all all obese - some extremely dangerously so, and those who are not are not active or athletic or even close to socially encouraging. There are physically healthier people, but they are mostly small minded or depressed or both. So much insecurity and helplessness and it skews my view of all of humanity - or maybe that is all of humanity too. None of those close to me actually give me what I want/need most. Very few offer a strong dose of the combination of healthy, positive, open minded energy and inspiration.

Reflecting on my social world (inside myself, so apologies to the four people most important to me in this life if my reflections upset you, it is not meant to, it is something I need to do to evaluate myself and my opportunities for change and I don't think you or anyone reads this and even if I did have readers, this sort of introspection buried in this much babble will likely be skimmed over by anyone who does not care enough to want to be close and trusted... so I hope you understand that I love you and honesty reminds me I am far from perfect too). The three most positive people I know are the three I interact with most, Jane, Helen, and The Maharaja. Jackson is mostly positive, but she is very down on me these days our contact has reduced to an occasional smiley face by text (I mean, no Merry Xmas or happy holidays, a Happy New Year the evening of New Year's Day which were the only words she sent and maybe a dozen words in the last few weeks... she sends a picture of something now and then). Jane probably comes closest to positive on all levels, though she is very busy a lot and usually in a relationship as she does not like being alone and I am not seeking a physical relationship these days. She also does not live very close, so she's not close enough in space to be an impulse "come on over" distance. The Maharaja doesn't exercise and is so busy I barely see him, but does provide positive energy, intelligence, and honest love in the form of sanctuary here in his home. He is a blessing and I am so lucky to know him. Coincidences brought us together as we both were booted off Facebook and both only returned in the past year, just when I needed him most. Any other time he might not have been there to offer me safe haven two months ago. The less than healthy state of this home, however, does not give me confidence he is as healthy in his mind as he appears, but still, I am very lucky and blessed by his generosity and heart. Helen is closer than ever, though way too OCD in a negative perspective (external locus of control and while we share a disdain for the folly of humanity, she lets the world outside of her head bug her more than I do {like giving other drivers the finger and yelling at them even with the windows closed and air conditioning on, even as a passenger}... I retreat into my head, let any negativity out in babble, and do not physically react to the outside world much} and also does not exercise so she doesn't provide healthy energy inspiration. Those are the three in my group of close friends who I can turn who are not depressed or too negative or too needed to count on - and who are not obese. I look at the rest of the people in life within an hour drive and find obesity, negativity, depression, and a lack of inner security, peace, and self-sustaining joy. I am so blessed with the people staying with me.

You must know that this re-evaluation process is not only good healthy mental exercise, it is the method to my madness (hopefully nobody wants me to go mad).

So where am I? (On with some cereal-box philosophy?).

The philosophy that we must surround ourselves with people who we want to be like is very valid. I find myself not there today. I remember when I was and I know how to get back there, I simply do not do it (reasons can - and should be explored, just not for the moment). In fact, I find I've surrounded myself with people so much more emotionally, psychologically, and physically needy than I am, I am the giver in most cases. I understand the neediness though, which is why I am attracted to it even as I can be repulsed by it. I am a helper. A giver. The danger there is falling too deeply into the savior or martyr (or both) pattern. I've been there. I may be there now, or at least struggling my way out of there. I also see that most of the people in my social sphere (and there are a few dozen close enough to call who would come out and do something with me, though, come to think of it, most would rather hang out, sedentary, at home) are depressed, neurotic, and wrapped up in a very isolated unhealthy negative energy. My tolerance for this is quite high as it's been my profession to help people all through this life. My love of giving and helping people is why I find myself in this place now.

Still, there is reason to change - for my own health and well-being. I do not have the close go-to person who's eyes I can look into, hand I can hold, and heart and mind I can trust if I feel tired, weak, confused, angry, sad, or any other unhealthy, negative emotion. The Maharaja would wake up and drive me to the emergency room if I needed it, another blessing to have him in the immediate living space. Helen, who doesn't live far, would probably drop everything and come if I had an emergency. She offered to drive me and pick me up for medical appointments that I am not supposed to drive to. Jane would likely do that too, though she lives at least a half hour away these days. Harpo would do the same in an instant, though he'd broadcast whatever he happened from his perspective to anyone he could reach and he can be an alarmist and quite over-dramatic. That's about it.

J (wondering when you'd be mentioned?... smile) is the only one I can let it all out to in words because she's read me and accepts the honest open sharing I do, knowing my intentions are to survive and maintain my peace and assess the best options for me in this life without intending any harm to anyone. It is way too much honesty (and whining and complaining and babbling self-introspection and repetitive redundancy and meandering thought streams and so one and so forth) for anyone else I know. let's see how many comments this entry gets, if you want proof. Feel free to prove me wrong, anytime lam). Her heart and trust and open mind suddenly becomes all the more important to me - and I hope that's ok as I bring this up. It's the reality I find myself in, the reality I've created for myself, and she knows she has no obligation or responsibility to fill the role she can fill, so the fact that she does and tells me she wants to (and proves that by doing it) is all the more precious and appreciated.

So perhaps what goes around really does come around, but even if there is no connection and the universe is all random chaos, I realize that even though I do not receive the same as I give and it is not quite everything I want/need - it is definitely wonderful and enough to help me maintain hope and stay alive and carry on.

That and this is the most important bottom line.

I can maintain my sanity, peace, and secure contact with myself and my childinside joy in my babbling... this is faith.

I can maintain my hope, beliefs, and ideals by tossing my words out to the internet like pieces of me in words in bottles on the ocean.... this is faith.

I have have no tangible, empirical, interactive (actual) proof that humanity is worth hanging on for anywhere but in J (and after evaluating life deeper here, The Maharaja, Helen, Jane, and Harpo, though only J has the time, temperament, and perspective to listen to me whine and babble on like this) these days... this is reality.

It is good to re-assess life, the universe, and everything (or at least myself in relation to humanity in this life at this moment) now and then. It provides clarity of perspective and healthy understanding of where I am and what I want and what I have and what I need to do to get that which I want but I do not have. It is most important because the two people I depended on most recently and so many others I gave my all to and trusted unconditionally have basically dumped me (while still wanting to believe we are some sort of friends). I choose not to give up. I choose to go on. So I babble on - because it works for me.

Is this making sense to you?... anyone? :)

I am smiling deeply and broadly inside because it makes so much sense to me. The results I find in this honest assessment may be sad (and may even push people away, though I dearly hope not because that would hurt. Discussion, not abandonment, is honest love - I am so tired of repressing honesty just to keep people close to me), but the excitement and joy of being strong and secure enough to come to the reality openly and honestly (here where anyone can read and discuss and challenge or correct my perspective - I can be wrong and want to understand where I am wrong whenever I am wrong - true friends trust that and want the same... who is with me on this?) with the same positive hope (in my heart) and security (in my mind) and self-trust (in my being) that I've always known since my very first thoughts...

...and this is wonderful (and wonder-filled). :)

Alas, the "savior complex" as textbooks might label it, has been played out to quite extreme extremes in this life. It was my choice. I laugh, even as I cringe a bit. :)

I come to this point in the journey accepting that. I also accept, sadly, that humanity is still not ready for unconditional love, honest love, or unconditional trust - all prerequisites for being real (for me, at least) and for what many call enlightenment. I wish I lived during a time when humanity reached such a mental construct and could actualize it in the physical reality. I'd feel so very much less alone - and feel so very much more hope and joy for our species.

With all my heart and mind, I thank every one who is striving to actualize the unconditional, honest love and trust we need for real, true peace and happiness.

I shall pause now and move along to another activity with an energy (spirit, soul, anima, ethereal, whatever the word) feeling like floating on a wonderful ease in a peaceful space. Whatever opportunities shall the physical reality around me, wish you were here to share. I hope these words have found some understanding in your mind. Sharing understanding is one of the most precious experiences we can know as humans. May you experience it too - now, as a 'new year' wish, and even more as we move through time and space in our lives. :)