Reality Sucks (letting go)

Yes, reality sucks - especially when you know it is time to let go.

Ok, so the state job site has been down for a week and will be down until January 9th which means I am on hold with the job search there (and I can't check on the job status on the site either), so it kind of puts the job search in low gear as there are several jobs there pending. I spoke to The Maharaja and he understands (really, imagine, sigh) and I let him know just what a wonderfully unique being he is for seeing his generosity as what everyone should do for their friends). I will keep looking for ways to show him tangible and meaningful gratitude every day.

I must process increased stress as I move closer to running out of money as I am using the car fund. Selling the car (trading it in for a used car that eliminates monthly payments) would ease the financial stress a lot, however then I do not have a reliable car and I definitely do not need the stress of repairs that an older car brings. Reality sucks.

The most challenging... hardest... saddest... it's coming. I bought the car based on a promise. Jackson's promise. She broke her promise and the car is a daily reminder. I should have sold the car years ago, but I kept hoping she would keep her promise. She chose not to keep her promise. I find is so challenging to trust people because people lie and break promises all the time. People lie to themselves all the time. I see and feel the pain in them when they face their lie. Some deny and repress better than others. Some hurt so much, they physically hurt themselves, some even kill themselves rather than face their lie and stop doing it. I sent a message she will probably never find because she chooses not to look. I must remember this.

So it is time to let go... and that hurts so much. I never completely give up on people, which hurts me because so many people seem to give up on themselves and turn off any connection to promises or commitments they make. I don't know how they stop caring and don't hurt, but people seem to just get on with their lives completely forgetting their words - their promises and commitments. It devalues the words, it devalues them as people. For trust is the greatest measure of value for a person. Still, even as I give up - I leave the door open.

we are what we do

I know how much she wants to care - she just doesn't follow through. Maybe she doesn't understand how to actually care - to do what she says she wants to do. Denial is such a foolish waste of time and it leads to no good. Denial, repression, avoidance is a self-abusive habit that simply sweeps one's mistakes, lies, and betrayals under the rug and into the unconscious. The reality of the lie is always there, for we are what we do no matter what we say. Ulcers and other physical maladies are how the lies manifest themselves. Self-abuse, drinking, drugs, cutting, suicide are other reactions to denial and repression. I do not understand why someone chooses to self-abuse or die rather than simply follow through on their words - be the person they say they want to be rather saying one thing while doing something contradictory.

This is a simple fact of life. We do what we want to do. We choose our actions. Who we talk to each day. Who we call. Who we care about. Who we trust. We we make meaningful and who remains casual contacts in our lives. We choose our priorities. We choose what we do with our time. Where we go. Who we spend time with. Whether we follow through on promises or break them. Whether we tell the truth or just pretend to. Intentions are meaningless without follow through.

Each person chooses.

I don't know how to help someone stop self-abusing when they avoid the reasons they self-abuse and then avoid me because I remind them of what they do simply because they did it to me.

The denial itself becomes abusive. Pretending there is trust is enabling the abuses. Pretending someone cares when they just say it, but do not do it, enables the denial and empowers the fear that keeps them from actually doing what they say they want to do. It is a vicious loop that eats away at a person inside. I don't know what else to do except stop reaching out, stop sharing, leave the person in denial even though I know the same promises and betrayals and losses and pain will repeat - no matter how good the intentions are - until the denial stops.

I never understood guilt or shame. This makes it challenging for me to understand people because I've rarely met anyone who is not dependent on or dominated by guilt or shame. I think it is a product of fear and since I do not empower my fears (most of the time, and even when I do, I laugh at myself for I know it is an illusion and mostly a foolish waste of time), I fail to understand or relate to people. I've never met anyone who truly knows they are in complete control of their mind and in turn, in complete control of their decisions and in turn, in complete control of any actions they take, including actions that lead to the emotional roller coaster we call falling in love or any other emotional experience in this life. My perspective and experience is just so different than anyone I've ever known.

I believe this is why I set up such extreme challenges and emotional roller coasters for myself.

What else is there to do while waiting for someone who understands?

Maybe Jackson will someday... there's always hope.

For now, I face and accept this reality.

We are what we do.

Narf.