What Do You Trust?

In other emotional cathartic news, I am coming to terms with not trusting people. In general, people are superficial and selfish, judging each other based on what they can afford (money and materials) and basing so much of their perspective on a what can you do for me attitude. In my experience, as long as I have material worth to offer, I am welcome. During the times in this life where I did not have any material wealth to offer, I was isolated, even ostracized. People always came up with reasons to blame it on me, but it was and is obvious they just look out for themselves.

I really wanted to trust people. Since I was a little baby (as opposed to a big baby), I dreamed of unconditional trust (because I could not trust the people around me as a baby or a child). While the usual reaction to the inconsistency and betrayals I experienced as a child might be withdrawal from the concept of trusting, I chose the opposite path giving myself and my life to unconditionally trusting total strangers. Yes, I trust everyone unconditionally at least until someone violates or betrays my unconditional trust.

It's a thing I do.

Anyway, returning to the first paragraph where I propose that people blame people for what they consider unacceptable situations, maybe most people do not see it because they do not put themselves in the position of having no material wealth to share, no less homeless, but everyone should try it at least once in their lives. maybe then there will be a lot fewer pretentious judgmental self-absorbed people in this world. What hurts most is to hear the caring words, the promises to be there when they are needed, the promises to pay back the material wealth given to them. What hurts most is the trust I put in people when that trust is betrayed.

It is so challenging for me to let go and accept someone lied about something so major as caring because then unconditional trust and respect is damaged and it does not return.

What do you trust? God? The Universe? Numbers? Let's take the science of the day and ask some questions testing what we trust. Why do we accept the universe is 13.7 billion years old if that is simply the limit of what we can see? We only believe our own eyes?

So I was watching this and it got me thinking (I think) and started exploring the internet (oh dear) and the numbers started rolling around in my head. Numbers like this. After watching this, I rambled on to suppose the "limit" of the infinite for an individual being is the lifetime, determination, method, and patience of that being. After all, would you want to count to a google? That's a one with one hundred zeros after it.

That is, in writing:

10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000).

A tremilliatrecendotrigintillion is 1 with 9999 zeros after it), yeah, thank Wiki (though maybe not, after all). I won't type out all those zeros just now lol. There is the googolplex and beyond, which is 10 to the googol power which has been described as 1 followed by zeros until you get tired of writing, so the biggest number may well be considered that, whatever that is, but in practical reality (is math only theory?). This sort of describes it, I think.

You could listen for almost twenty minutes (yes, I did... laugh, groan, or pity).

So there is Skewes number, which is 10^10^10^963... or Graham's Number, which is, well, bigger, but not as big as Loader's Number which is, well, bigger, but not as big as Rayo's number, which is, well, bigger still, or maybe even Bigfoot, but you can find mathematicians and others debating the whatever forever and decide whether infinity is a number or not for yourself lol. Maybe these geeks could help, or not (you need to accept a finite universe for them, so many would dismiss them in a few minutes).

I suppose this could lead to some Siri-ous beatbox action, if you have an iPhone (go ahead, ask Siri what a trillion to the tenth power is. Or start with a million to the tenth power if you don't have patience.


Purpose? Reason? Real world applications? What? Perhaps we can extrapolate to a person (or personality) we know (are you looking at me?) or ourselves, even, as everything is connected if you can open your mind enough to take it all in and see it. Before we start asking about existence, as in what it is or what is it, perhaps what we really should be asking as a more down to Earth meaningful discussion that relates to life is what is selfless?

I trust Emma Blackery.


To That I say...

Someday, someone.

Always rolling the dice - deliberately or unintentionally, a choice or born that way, order or chaos, freedom or insecurity?

I live there.

Perhaps we can call it being an inbetweener.

You, being an inbetweener too, are welcome. to visit.

What? :)

Also... I like chameleons. I am a chameleon. Chameleons are cool.

And then, after listening to someone responding, I pondered this:

Are we born with an identity fully formed or do we learn what makes sense to us as we experience life and people and eventually choose - or settle - for a consistent pattern of behavior that becomes "who we are" because that is easier than continuing the search which leaves us undefined and isolated from most others because undefined personalities are not accepted well in our cultures these days?

Just because the majority considers it lame, that doesn't make it lame - or wrong. Perhaps we should start an acceptance movement where being curious and undecided is a cool way to be. Is the Universe defined? Is God? (or god?) Is school? School tries to make us all the same, but isn't it the epitome of searching for answers and knowledge? Seems some really big things in our life are not defined, so why should we be?

So perhaps we don't even trust ourselves?

Could we really not exist?

Disappear?

What?

Narf :)