The Mundane Continues

In spite of my not coming here to babble on about it, the daily life continues to be full of dirt, drama, and details, though thankfully there is a lot less drama than there has been in the past. It may very well be true that drama is a state of mind we choose to create out of the events and circumstances we pass through and experience during our lives. I like it when I choose to be relatively drama-free. The world and this U.S. culture, on the other hand... let's just say I want no part of it and my thumb is high in the air. Thumb Scale. I have just declared that there shall now and henceforth and forevermore be such a conceptualization of measure called the thumb scale. It shall be based on the concept of seeking to leave the planet as described in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and shall be observed by all who understand the answer.

The thumb is high in the air.

If you don't intuitively know what the thumb guide means and do not wish to read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy multi-part trilogy, well, you're just a dang fool, but make the most of it while you can because the thruway is coming through and the best we can do is not get in the way. Sure, most animals shit where they eat, but only one produces more shit that the house can hold and has the faculties to understand the consequences and consciously ignores reality and distorts facts so the self-destructive behaviors can continue. All for the love of power and money, but the power is fleeting and usually false and I don't care too much for money, money can't buy you life.

So there was softball. The usual blown game by the newbie Saturday team. The sad and frustrating part is they do not listen. I feel like a broken record shouting instructions. We lost, as usual. Te players don't listen to me at all and the guy who is coaching doesn't get them to listen either so they keep making the same mistakes and give the other team six to ten extra outs in many innings. Hitting is inconsistent, but it's not executing the fundamentals that give us no chance at wins. Maybe they'll do better next season. Then came shopping.

Ridiculously impulsive shopping. $561.38 at Costco and that's not all. Another $50 or so elsewhere, including a buffet dinner. All I wanted to do was kill time between softball and a party. Picking up some more protein drinks and a razor was all I stopped in for. I was hungry, but did not eat or buy food. I simply wandered the isles and one impulsive item after another leaped into the cart. 25 items, according to the receipt. Nobody was around to talk any sense in me, including me. It all became a landslide (or avalanche) of I could really use this in a new place. Yes, imagining (visualizing, even) myself in a place where I would actually use the kitchen and bathroom, storing stuff in each, well, stuff just jumped into the cart.

Details would be uploaded in the form of the receipt, but not only are receives inconsistently comprehensible, I don't have a scanner here, so let's oo at the highlights. The biggest ticket item was a 5 TB Portable Hard Drive. I know I have yet to fill the 1TB portable I have already, but everyone needs room to grow. That's the sales pitch I gave myself and I bought it for $119. The $30 in taxes can be split in your mind. Next up was a shower head for $40, dreaming of steaming hot showers. Then came a ten-pack of Brita filters at the same price and then a Ladies Raincoat and a Brita Lake Filter Container, each for $30. Yes, a ladies raincoat. I've seen it every time I go to Costco and av not seen a men's equivalent, so I finally tried on the XXL women's coat and it fit. I'll just have to learn to how to expeditiously zip it up.

Then came a six pack of bath towels for $24 (($17 after a $5 instant savings) and four cases (among other smaller orders) of Protein drink at $20 a case (one was $25, but was $20 after a $5 instant savings). There were Muscle Milk Light, the 100 calorie 20g protein drink and one Premier 160 calorie 30g rotein drink, but that one is going back for exchange because I accidentally bought caramel and I don't like caramel.

Remember when you used to get ell the little details of every little thing? (blink) . . .

Hopefully the unrestricted living did not set anyone up for a failed drug test. Let them know to inform your supervisor. The only chance of keeping a job is full disclosure of any and all drug or alcohol abuse. I brought the matter to the attention of the Manager (and boss might be settling it beyond that) and I have n idea where that line of thought came from, but it was there when I woke from a brief unplanned nap so I must have been writing in my sleep. Sounds like part of the Drug-Free Workplace training I do each month for new employees. I believe I was reading the Costco receipt.

Yeah, so then there the towels. I also bought two large beach towel for about $10 each, a 24-pack of hand cloths or about $12, and knapsack for about $25 but they are not on the receipt (wide-eyed stare of innocent wonder). I believe there was a box on the bottom of the cart that I forgot to run through the self-checkout and nobody noticed. Oh, whenever else could have been in there. The ethical dilemma is not knowing what else could be in there and having everything already repacked and stored away. The resolution is pat it forward and knowing I've given way more than I've received in this life allows me to sigh and accept the forgetfulness as a sign that Alzheimer's might have a few hidden benefits. Sense of humor. Ahem.

Back to the receipt now, there's a 3-pack of lanterns and a 3-pack of flashlights at $20 and $18, respectively, and there's two three packs of medium-large storage bins and one 6-pack of 12-QT storage bins, each for $17. I spy a cushioned bathmat for $10 and an umbrella for the same price. I have several umbrellas and I've used one of them once this year. It broke. The handle bent. It was a cheap $5 Home Depot umbrella. Don't buy the cheap $5 Home Depot umbrella.

I see a $20 pair of shorts. I do not recall buying a $20 pair of shorts. I recall a pair of shorts that was less money according to the sign it was under, so I will be checking on that when I return the caramel protein drinks. The shorts are not listed on the Costco website. The website ought to let you look up an item by the sku number. Especially since there are some items that are challenging (or not going to be) identify(ied) by the jibberish on the receipt. No excuses, the technology is certainly already on their in-store system.

Speaking of unidentified flying merchandise (I mentioned things just flew into the cart, right?), MikeHolmes is listed for $13. I have no clue. It was discounted $3 to $10 and just below a 2-pack of Apple Cider Vingegar that was $5.69 and just above a large bag of prunes for $9.39, though that doesn't help identify MikeHolmes at all. The NW 3OC SET is another unknown. 3 piece set of what? For $20, no less. I am scouring the memory and it remains a puzzle. The website is no help, a chaise lounge for $1200 appeared when I searched for NW 3PN SET. I did find the MikeHolmes item on the website, they are 2 work gloves that, after trying them on, will likely make satisfactory batting gloves and at $5 a pair, I should probably go get a few more if they actually work out. I'll try them Monday evening. Three 40-packs of purified water for $3 each round out the receipt, except for anything that wasn't on the receipt that I don't remember.

So I wrote to Costco thusly:

I understand codes are necessary fr computers, but "NW 3PC SET" does not identify what I purchased among 25 or more items on my receipt. When reviewing my receipt, especially if someone else is making the purchases for me, the receipt should identify what an item is and when codes are used, there should be a means of look-up available to a customer without returning to the store. I see there was a $19.99 charge for "NW 3PC SET" Can you tell me the item that was purchased so I can reconcile my inventory? Thank you.

Businesses need to know how to satisfy their customers. There's Sam's Club and BJ's and more out there, after all.

So this entry might finally be ready to conclude after three attempts to finish it and falling asleep and all that jazz. If you were here, you could have slept with me and enjoyed the babbling in-person and changed the world, but since you were not here. the world remains as it is, messed up beyond belief. Think about that.

Then, after shopping, the party for the mom of one of the regulars in our group, Polly (ten to twelve regulars, eight are in a constantly chattering text message group, sonewhere in the blog links is an old page introducing most of the regulars and let this stand as a reminder to remind me to remember to look into updating that page because posterity would want to know, in case it matters). Party, games, stuffed, tired, fun. Arriving back here, it took a half hour to unpack the car and the stuff. It's all in three new storage bins ready for the move. There are signs that I will do more re-arranging of stuff and packing for a move this weekend, we shall see what happens when I wake. Feeling the reality of moving again, at least in my mind, so I want to pack to be ready. If it happens, when it happens, so what's happening yaaas?

Narf :)

And Another Day Happened

And I just keep rambling on. I’ve been using this talk to text to blog, but I haven’t been posting. That’s mostly because I’m using the game to keep myself from sitting after I get back from work. Because some days I sit for the entire day, nine hours or so or more. Some days I’m out driving, which is still sitting, but I don’t consider that as much of a contribution to the hemorrhoids. I really do need to focus on how to get rid of them. I don’t want to live the rest my life with them.

Though I probably will. The body isn’t getting any younger, after all. I just need to find a way to deal with and reduce the pain. Eating less, liquid diet, that’s actually probably a good thing to do more often. I miss the buffets. I’m going to go again, maybe next week, maybe the week after, maybe, no not tomorrow. I would like kitchen I could cook in though.

Search up at FedEx place in life no doubt. Huh? Talk to text. Such a pathetic place in life no doubt. I must be getting tired, talk to text is not understanding me. It would be good to sleep. But rambling has its own soothing therapeutic ways.

Deep down inside I am still here. Hello. Feeling wonder and excitement with each moment, with each breath. It may seem like I’ve let myself deteriorate to a point where I don’t care. In some ways that’s true. Maybe I never really understood why I am here. I always thought it was to love and be loved. But that’s not working out the way I had hoped. And still I laugh, I am amused by everything. That’s the way I’ve always been and that’s why I don’t fit him.

I believe in love. Not God, not money, just love. The energy that feels good. The energy of caring, shared. Or love shared is squared. Imagine if everyone did it.

All I want is honesty. That seems to be way too much to ask. I am alone with my honesty. Watching the world fight over things. Watching the people lie reach other. i don't know how they live with themselves. Pretending it’s all OK. It makes me very sad to look outside of myself. So much pain, so much cruelty, so much usury, so much insecurity. I can explain it in so many ways, I’ve read the books, a psychology degree tells you so much about so much. And yet it’s all a bunch of made up mumbo-jumbo in the end. I have no clue why people in power let their fear undermine their love when love is all we need to overcome the fear and actualize sheer joy of living. Caring feels so good, so much better than anything else we can do. Makes no sense not to do it.

So I set an alarm on my little island of honesty. I do my best to walk awake when it goes off. I just don’t want to play the game anymore. I don’t want to pretend that fear is OK. I don’t want to pretend that way people go through their lives lying and pretending is OK. It’s not OK.

Maybe that’s why I relate so well to stories like Jesus Christ superstar, or Joseph and the amazing Technicolor dream coat, or Hook. I relate to a grown-up Peter Pan. We’re all just children pretending we’re not so the other children won’t laugh at us.

Someday I’m going to think about the words and say what I truly mean better than I ever have before. I don’t reach for that sort of clarity as much as I used to. I’m not even looking at the screen tonight as I Babylon. I wonder if I’ll understand what the talk to text actually types. Especially since I’m not making an effort to articulate. Could be amusing. Would be with a friend. Everything is more fun with a friend.

If I told you the truth... would you hate me?

I told you you were fat or lazy or stupid for pretending would that be offensive? Even if it was the truth? That’s why I don’t talk to people much anymore. I am tired of trying to fit in. And now that I have rekindled a modicum of self-discipline, I don’t want to go back to the self-destructive suicidal ways normal people choose to live. And still, I am here talking to the phone, putting the words on the Internet, because I want to share. I want to care. I want to care more than I do. I want to be squared.

LOL

Maybe I’m a round ball looking for a square peg or vice versa.








Zzz Zz

Days Just Keep Happening

And what have I got to say? Maybe not much, it seems, but man what a wino in my dreams? Man what a wino? Talk to text blew that one big time. I wonder what I said. Anyway, some of it is the same old same old, some of it is some new old, most of it is still hanging on to hope. Where is the me I used to be, I wonder, what became of me? The me I was remembers me, but I think I forget. It’s a strange place I live in. What would you do if I sang out of tune? If no one hears me did I fall?

Sometimes.

Most of my free time has been spent playing the games. I seem to have substituted Fishdom for a real live pet. The fish talk to me. Very dumb, I know, gotta drop a whole lot of reality. They send hearts when I touch the screen. They respond even better than real fish (is this not an SNL skit or what?). Somehow it’s comforting. I also like winning. It’s much like Candy Crush from what I hear. It’s just kind of more sort of alive. Anyway when I am not playing Fishdom, I am playing ToonBlast. Do you have a game? And there are some others that fill in the gap‘s. It keeps me off my ass.

Speaking of the pain, it remains the one sure constant in life these days. Nobody knows except you. The doctors don’t seem to care and they can’t find a way to stop it. I’m supposed to try a new doctor but he didn’t call me like the other doctor said he would. I have to find his number and call him I suppose. Always chasing these rich people who don’t help, don't care, but are happy to take money and give out pills. What a society we live in.

I am still under 180 which is very good for the body. I am not on a strict protein shake only diet anymore. I think I mentioned the Brazilian buffet somewhere along the way. I miss food almost as much as I miss love. Would you like to swing on a star?

Today was three 160 cal protein shakes. And a yogurt at midnight. I’m not sleeping much these days. Playing the game, that obsessive part of me, is ruling the roost, so to speak. Yesterday I had three actual meals. I went to a safety seminar and they served very typical American breakfast. Eggs scrambled topped with cheese, hashbrowns, bacon, bread, butter, there was a fruit plate. In lunch was barbecue with mac & cheese and coleslaw and beans. I drink coffee and tea to stay awake. I’ll probably be doing that tomorrow too because I have a finance training.

Oh I forgot dinner I made an onion and cheese omelette with mushrooms. And had two slices of 40 cal bread. And still had a couple protein shakes. So some days I am closer to eating the high fat high carb American diet and some days I am just drinking protein shakes. I want something new. A friend would be nice. Perhaps I’ll find one tomorrow.

Softball continues to occupy Saturdays and Sundays and also Monday evenings. The Saturday games are early afternoon so they kind of have to fit around her life. Who is she? I didn’t say her. Talk to text put in words into my mouth again. Maybe it’s my dream. Anyway Sunday the games are late afternoon. So it cuts into football and social life. Softball is not as much fun socially as it used to be, but I am still addicted to playing as much as ever and wish I could play every day. Just not enough teams. Monday evening is the usual and we are still doing very well. After winning the last season and winning the tournament at the end of the season we started off the season with two wins. The first was a big win, relatively easy, because everybody hit and I pitched lights out. The second was tougher, we didn’t have the defense we had for the first, we didn’t hit as well as we did in the first, but I was still pitching well enough to keep us in it. We had a decent web and the other team came back and took the lead in the top of the last inning. We came back and won it by one run in the bottom of the last inning. So we didn’t play her best game but we still wn, next week.

Next week we play one of the best teams. They had moved up to the upper division for a while, but apparently some of their people left and they didn’t do well last season, so they’ll be back in our division. I play in the lower division, where the ball travels an average of 85 miles an hour.

I don’t expect to win the championship this season, because they added a team of firefighters and they are dominating everyone so far. That could be kind of dangerous, and the coach said we might use the screen in front of the pitching mound when we play them. I will definitely put on my mask if we don’t use the screen. They belong on the upper field and I don’t play up there anymore because my reflexes have slowed and I don’t want to die. LOL

I have not gotten together with the new guy yet. We plan to get together Friday evening to look online for places. We will check each other out and see where goes from there. It would be so nice to have a place I can call home again.

Meanwhile, the world out there is going quite crazy. The misogynists to want to reassert their power and drag our culture back in time. Was it really so much easier for a white man when everyone else was subservient? Such a real sad pathetic way to be. White men are so insecure. The madness of greed and power have taken down every human culture since the aawn of time.

Whenever that was LOL.

I really don’t want to be part of that outside world. I just wish I had someone to share the peaceful honesty I live in.

So I keep stepping out there every now and then to look.

In disguise.

Did I mention I took a shot to the shin last week? I believe I did. It was a very rough night. I couldn’t sleep. The pain was almost enough to get me to go to hospital. The weird thing is, as painful as it was, it hurt more tan any hit before for the first night but started fading after a few days. That’s the difference between a compression fracture I got in February which is still discolored, and not a compression fracture. Sometimes I think my shins are made of something other than flash nerve endings. Maybe I’ve just gotten hit so many times, the pain doesn’t last as long as it used to. But it was a seriously rough night and I wish someone was around.

The days just keep happening, alone, mostly.

Wish you were here.

Narf :)

Possible New Roommate

The new guy, who hasn’t giving given me a blog name yet, says he enjoys sports, politics, and something else. I forget what the other thing is. I probably tripped on the word politics LOL as I do my best to not think about politics. Politics, like religion, is a waste of time and mostly dangerous. Not that human beings can survive without any structured organization, especially not at the current immature state of consciousness that we find humanity in today, but most of government, politics, and religion is useless and destructive. Foolish games played by frightened insecure men who just want to control everything.

If I expressed every thought and idea in my head as they are, would you stand up and walk out on me? LOL If you were kind and not afraid. You would probably put me to death if you were just a normal human being in these times of close minded fear.

You applaud and cheer and Laura hi the word freedom. Who is Laura? LOL glorify the word freedom. Yet you have no idea what the word means or how to do it. In fact more often than not you would condemn freedom and you might not even realize or at least you would fear yourself well enough to deny it.

You do it every day.

Meanwhile, the body is still under 180 pounds, in spite of three more normal meals in the past four days. I still want to drop more weight, but I suppose it is stable weight as the body stabilizes. I keep telling myself I must get to the gym and start working out more, especially because I have lost more muscle tissue than ever before which is why I am dropping under 180. I can feel it when I play ball, and I’d like to be able to hit the ball harder than I do when I want to. I’m still hitting well and still hitting hard, but that surprise burn when the outfield comes in, feels good and can win games.

There have been good reasons, excuses of course, but reasonable occurrences that have not lead me to the gym recently. The leg, of course is the latest obstacle. But there is no good sense in any reason, excuse, whatever. Get to the gym bye boy!

Maybe the new guy will be interested in being a gym buddy. He says he’s into sports. Most people are into watching. I love to watch, but I love to play more. Most people have forgotten or never experience the exhilaration of pushing their body to it’s limits. I miss that so much. Even the most serious softball tournaments don’t get me there anymore. Obviously I need to find another way to exercise.

Jackson used to play ball with me. We stop doing that last year’s we live together, we’re both too busy, I’m too lazy, and too stupid (love you Jackson). We gained weight together and drifted apart. That’s kind of what happens when you stop caring about your body. So now that I am dropping the weight, remembering self-discipline when it comes to calorie intake, and feeling the desire for more exercise again, I have to face the reality of doing it all by myself.

Don’t want to be... you know the song?

I don’t know why I haven’t been more involved with more musical people in this life. The musical people I meet or have met just don’t seem to connect. Too much ego.

I suppose it’s the insecurity. Or maybe it’s me. I just know that there was a time when singing was breathing and when I heard music it just made sense. I could listen to a song and sing it almost exactly like the singer sang. I would imitate without even realizing. Favorites were Streisand, Elvis, the Beatles, the Bee Gees, and so many others. So much for that moment.

There’s a guy who’s been around for decades that I just found on YouTube last week who does whAt I used to do. Some claim he’s faking, lip-synching, so I really need to read up more about him because I know it’s possible. I used to do it myself.

I remember singing the entire show, every part, from Jesus Christ superstar to My Fair Lady to Man of La Mancha to Tommy to West Side Story. So many others. It must be out there, call that a guy, artificial intelligence, a guy where does the G come from a guy. Stupid talk to text a I a I a I a I a

Watching the screen is very distracting maybe I should just stop. I might not know what the heck I’m talking about when I read it back though, but maybe that’s the point. I just don’t want to feel like I wrote something really meaningful, and find out it’s gone and I wasted my time.

I miss music.

I wonder if the new guy will mind if I sing in the new place. I haven’t song in so long. I have truly stifled myself living here in the past year and a half almost there. Living like a refugee, cramped into a small space, minimal comforts. I miss my recliner.

Yes I am writing to myself but it seems I am writing just as much to the talks to text errors, hopefully I’ll find a way to stop doing that or at least make it more interesting. LOL

I did edit a lot, so whatever.

I’m getting a little hungry.

The question is back to sleep for a few hours or get up and do something else. What else? Well I could copy and paste all these words that I’ve been putting into talk to text emails myself into blog posts. There are probably dozens of them by now. And who knows someone out there might even miss me since I have posted much recently. You know my number, you know my email address, you know how to reach me... if you miss me.

So many things running through my head at the moment. Several Broadway show scores, The never ending story and dream of finding the one, the gym and the motivation to get there. I suppose I could go to the gym right now since the job comes with a free 24 hour gym, but there is no shower there I don’t particularly want to go to work sweaty and I don’t particularly want to drive back here to shower and then back to work. That’s what’s missing, where to shower. But I can’t complain since how many jobs come with a free gym? I suppose there are plenty, but there are plenty you don’t.

The leg says no.

I hear Eb going to the bathroom. I wonder if he can hear me talking to myself. I wonder if he thinks I’m on the phone. Wonder if he cares.

Eb is a really nice guy with a kind heart. He just has very awkward social skills, is not clean, and keeps to himself most of the time. The limited space here keeps me hoping the possible new roommate will work out.

Not a very inspiring entry though, aye?

Narf :)

Writing to Myself Again

Because there’s no one else to talk to at this hour of the night I sit or lay in bed awake and write. Writing to myself again. And again, there’s no one to talk to at most any time of the day.

Changing the meaning and changing what I’m trying to say seems to be standard practice for talk to text. It’s taking some time to get used to it, but then I remember when I first had a keyboard after years of writing with men and paper. The keyboard was so alien, so awkward, it didn’t feel like I could be comfortable. It took a few years actually, but now the keyboard is my comfortable writing method. More comfortable than the pen and paper. The pen paper became painful. That’s how much are used to write. I still have a callous raised on the fingers where the pencil or pen would fit neatly.

Now with the keyboard as the comfortable way to write, this talking to text is awkward. But it’s becoming more comfortable as I do it. I am overlooking the typos in fact, I might stop looking at the screen completely after a while. I'll just have a whole lot of editing to do when I finally upload the words.

So what’s new?

Today I had two slices of pizza. One everything pizza and one large plain cheese pizza slice. It was lunch at the environmental services risk management conference. Maybe conference is the wrong word, it’s a project. Twenty-five people gathered in a room to discuss the assets and the risks to those assets. I’m glad I’m participating because I’m getting to know more about the department. I have a lot more interaction with public works then I do with this part of environmental services, utilities operations. I am connected with solid waste management division of environmental services much more than with utilities operations. Utilities handles the water in the county delivering clean water and cleaning up some water and reclaiming rainwater and stormwater.

Anyway it was a productive day. The second session of this project. Did I mention pizza? A cup of coffee, a rare cup of coffee started the day as I’ve been getting very little sleep lately. Two 100 calorie protein drinks finished the day. When I got back here I found an email from the new guy and the prospects of looking for a place with him are promising. I won’t count the chickens yet.

He’s from Long Island, go figure. Anyway after writing back to him, I laid down and fell asleep. I woke about six or seven hours later and thought I might go back to sleep did not. I played the games on the phone for a couple of hours and then here I am.

So what have I got to say for myself tonight. Still the same old story hoping to fall in love with someone who might love me. Hoping the human race comes to it's senses and stops the great self-destruction it seems to love so much. Hoping it isn’t too sad when I finally do move out. Hoping to find a new place at a good price. Hoping the right house comes along in the next year so I can stop paying rent and save a little more maybe. It scares me wow. I burped and said excuse me and talk to text wrote it scares me. Friday? Freud well Friday is Friday, but Freud?

Everything scares me and nothing scares me. I have this love-hate relationship with fear. More love than hate, but a lot of ambivalence. Fear has it’s purpose. It does what it does, it does best when we let it go. I don’t empower fear most of the time but I know it’s there. It’s a friend more often than not. If you know it’s there and except it for what it is and then think. Accept it for what it is, as instinct. Most people seem to empower it way more than necessary.

So anyway, talk to text thinks I’m afraid. Perhaps I think talk to text doesn’t understand English.

It’s a little more amusing than annoying tonight, but nonetheless just as distracting as ever. I probably have a lot on my mind, since I just slept and even though it’s the middle of the night and I can sleep a little more if I was wise, I am awake alert and in a very good mood.

The mind is a terrible thing to waste, or so we are told, and that’s very true; however most people do.

The leg still hurts a lot, but it does not seem to be broken. I don’t think I have a compression fracture like the last time, but I’m keeping a close eye on it. It was the infection that started after the compression fracture was not diagnosed, that started this year of digestive roller coaster issues. I definitely do not want to go through that again. I say that as though it’s over, it’s not, but I am in a good or at least better state than I have been for most of the year. I suppose eating very little and therefore pooping very little has something to do with that. I haven’t gotten a call from the G.I. surgeon that the doctor said he was referring me too. Why should I be surprised?

So yes, I really must pay close attention to the leg. Give it a rest. And not except antibiotics orally again. EVER! I’m not sure what I’ll do if I need antibiotics again, but I will definitely stare down and a Doctor who offers it. Doctor Who? LOL.

As has been the case often in the past, initially putting pressure on the leg hurts a great deal, but after walking a bit there is less pain. There is less pain as long as I am moving. This is going to take a whole lot more editing.

So who’s out there?

My friend over there, across the pond, in that land I only imagine from stories? I wish there were something I could do to bring light and love and fun back into your life. Somewhere in my mind of this idea that we can visualize anything, even finding the synapses within the cells that are misfiring. It may all be just imagination, but I believe someday will be able to transform matter with our minds. And the science of psychology will be telekinetic. Perhaps that is behind the stories of faith healers. Mystical? Or just beyond our current understanding? Imagination leads the way. Do you know? Reality is every day. Imagination leads the way to new realities every day.

And my friend out west, I wish I knew a way to continue communicating beyond these words here. You bring me to confront a conundrum in this life. The boundary between privacy and sharing. I don’t think I want to understand why you limit your sharing. I see it is limiting life. Limiting everything that can be. I hope you’re not too sad, and I really don’t want to offend, but I think hiding or limiting sharing is a waste of life.

And my friend in that mysterious country that this country has held up as the enemy for so many years. How stupid people are, to be following leaders who use enemies and fear to control them, to repress them, to steal from them, to deny their rights, even to kill them. I feel like we understand each other more than most people we might now even though we hardly communicate and barely know each other. I hope you’re well and healthy and taking good care of yourself.

And all the other friends out there, the blog family has not grown much in recent years. It’s still alive in me. I welcome you to share anything anytime and wish you peace health happiness and all the love you dare to imagine and actualize

There was a time, but I am I remember very warmly, when comments would flow after I would write in my babbling blogs and journals and diaries and there was a time, a time I remember very warmly, when comments would flow after I would write in my babbling blogs on diary land and in previous incarnations here on Blogger. Did talk to text lose it's mind?

Anyway, the dream of sharing is what brought me to start writing the first place. I needed to figure out why the sharing stops with the ones I wanted to share the most with and then the sharing just became this, writing to you, to me, to anyone who cares to read. I hope it hasn’t been a waste of time, for you, for me, for anyone who cares to read. I don’t believe it is, or was... at least it doesn’t feel like a waste of time to me.

Sharing. It’s the best I can do.

Reason where are alive here, there, anywhere.

The reason we are alive, period.

At least that’s my belief. We are alive to share. To interact. Do use our senses and perceptions to use our mind and body to explore the world and anything that we might experience. If you have another reason for being alive, more power to you and I hope you enjoy it. I just don’t see a better reason and I welcome you to show me one. You’ll have to share to do it :-)

Perhaps my mind is too simple. Perhaps.

Love. Love is the energy. Energy that connects of things without harm. The energy of the eternal infinity. Many might call this energy God.

There was more, but somewhere along the way, it was lost.

Maybe god did it.

Narf :)

The Great Search Continues (Part 2)

It doesn’t seem to matter if I’m wrong or right, where I belong I’m right, but then where do I belong? I used to think I belong in an awesome song, but nothing awesome about it, but then again, maybe it was awesome at the time. So what if I trusted this talk to text technology to help edit my babbling? What if I left the talk to text input in the words as they flowed? How much would that influence what you find and read and understand?

Did you really want to hurt me? Did you really want to make me cry? I still probably have plenty of tears. Tracks too. Just give me a reason. Just care.

We live in a world where obesity and starvation have reached epidemic proportions simultaneously. What does that say about humanity? The people in charge are us.

I wouldn’t be your friend if I didn’t tell you the truth. When you hurt yourself you’re hurting me and everyone else. If that makes you hurt yourself even more you’re just being selfish. But then, you’re just being human aren’t you. Only human? The great cop out, the great lie, your religion teaches you that you are frail and weak and you can’t do it alone. It’s really just a fantasy. A delusion created out of fear to avoid responsibility.

You’re so afraid you want to control everything. As if you could. I heard someone say today about human nature is greater than nature. How ignorant. Human nature is part of nature. Sometimes the worst part.

I never wanted to be cynical. I never want to be pessimistic. There’s a child inside who believes in love and believes that love is all we need. There’s a child inside who would like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. This child is playing by himself inside like this these days.

Tired of the cruelty. Tired of the lies. Afraid to face the truth?

Tired of the cruelty. Tired of the lies. Tired of the blinders you put over your eyes. Tired of your foolishness. Tired of your fear. Tired of pretending there’s a reason you are here. You give up your reason when you close your mind. You give up your purpose when you close your heart. You gave up on life and left it behind. When you let delusion become the main part of everything you do and everything you start. So unkind.

I wouldn’t be your friend if I didn’t tell you the truth.

And that is why I don’t have true friends anymore. That’s why everyone walked out the door. The riches and gold kept them hanging around but they ignored the facts as they stared at the ground and pretended not to notice how little they cared is the fake their way through life, afraid to share.

And yet here I am still reaching out because I still care. It is what I’m all about. For caring and sharing and helping and giving is the reason and purpose for this life I’m living.

I started all this writing searching for the words that would tell you the truth so you finally heard. Words that get through your fear and open your eyes and touch your heart. Words stronger than lies. I still search for those words that may open your mind to all that is beautiful and all that is kind. It is all around you, just waiting for you to find.

So much editing editing everything. If I sent this to you would you read it?

If I shared my heart with you would you feel it?

If I gave you my mind would you take it?

Or would you need gold?

I know that it’s cold.

But I just want to know if you care because you care or if you care because of what I can share.

Whether I’m right or whether I'm wrong, I’ve got to find my place in this world or never belong. Go where you can cry when you have to. Be who you are that’s a part of the plan. It's simple survival, await your arrival, someday you’ll understand.

Somebody should merge Google with talk to text. Then we can all have conversations with ourselves.

When was the last time you kissed someone?

On the lips?

Open mouth?

There are so many kinds of kisses after all.

With chocolate?

Do you laugh when you make love?

When was the last time you made love?

Did I cross the line from the friend zone? LOL Maybe you don’t define the word friend the way I do. Friends share anything and everything. If you think otherwise you’re wrong. No wonder I don’t have any friends.

LOL. Sigh.

Do you see rainbows through your tears?

I’ve written millions of words over the years. How many have you read? LOL.

Why am I laughing? Do you want to know?

I never really knew my mother. And I knew her better than I ever knew my father.

Family is an alien concept to me.

And yet I’ve longed to be a part of a family all my life.

I wonder if this will be one entry or many injuries or multiple entries repeated in part here and there. Logic leads me to remember the old babbling blogs that I neglect so well these days.

Still I go on hoping someone will care, that someone will find these words and they will mean something outside of my head and someone will share what is in their heads.

What is in your head?

Will anyone ever understand me?

Once upon a time I dreamed to be able to talk into something that would turn my words into typed language that could be printed and mailed or printed and published online. That dream started long before there was an online. LOL

Am I boring you?

If I can find the words to stimulate your mind to open your heart to all you could find in this great big world...

I would.

Where is the Bee Gees song when I need it? LOL

Narf :)

The Great Search Continues (Part 1)

I keep looking for friends. My life seems to be like that song about looking for love in all the wrong places LOL. I was used to have a lot of friends when I had a lot of money. I used to hear I love you all the time. I didn’t think they were lying but it’s almost funny. And on the other hand so sad crime.

Would you like to swing on a star? Hold my hand and be where you are. Sing a song with me. Take a walk with me. I miss my tapes. All the music. I wish Toronto never happened, more and more with each passing year. Without contact, what's the point?

Maybe. Where is that Moody Blues song when I need it LOL.

Help me if you can I’m feeling down and the rest of the song too. It was whippoorwills. Are you lonesome tonight. Was that a question? Can anything be a question if nobody hears it? Next you’ll be asking if a tree falls...

People... people who need people... that’s the people I would like to meet. What about the people who need more than they know. Need is only want unfulfilled.

Are you talking to me?

It took many tries to get talk to text to work tonight. Frustrating.

Irony no doubt. So what I was starting to try to say to people who dream the impossible dream live it never give up never surrender believe in love and live it.

I don’t want your money. I don’t want your God. I don’t want your promises. You make things too hard. I just want your truth. Open up your heart. That seems to be asking for too much. But that’s where I want to start. And we won’t go anywhere together unless you can see. That nothing is real unless it starts with completely open honesty.

I know it’s insecurity that leads to the greed that blinds people to the fact that sharing is all we need. I know it’s insecurity that leads to the fear that blinds people to the fact that love is why were here. I know it’s insecurity that leads to the lies that blind people to the fact but they close their eyes. But it is the insecurity that keeps us apart for it is insecurity that closes the heart.

So how to overcome this insecurity? How do understand how to be free? How to face the fact that all that’s wrong is because we don’t face the fact that we are the cause.

It seems to be a catch 22 of swords swords swords yes. Stupid

I was used to have friends I thought I could trust but they all went away when my business went bust. I was used to have friends who promised to be there for me always but but didn’t happen.

I gave everything I could give because that’s how I want to live that is what makes me happy why am I so sad I have so little to give today. Is that why no one comes around anymore? Talks to text keeps changing my words. It would almost be laughable if I wasn’t trying to be so serious. Why so serious? I think pink should play at the restaurant at the end of the universe.

If you want longer paragraphs improve talk to text.

I suppose the title points to the fact that only a true friend would care about all these words and want to read them as they rambles on where ever it will go. Wednesday morning at 5 AM do you know where your children are? As the day begins so to speak.

All the song references in the sun how my supposed to get any writing done. Was that a question?

Yeah in the wild horses couldn’t drag me away either.

Did I sing out of tune? Is that why they all went away?

LOL

Is there anybody going to listen to my story?

Hello hello hello... you know the rest

From Pink Floyd to Harry Chapin‘s town that made America famous to little pink houses and little boxes on the hillside, one made of ticky-tacky, you know if you remember if you listen if you cared. People cared once, I really do believe that.

How disillusioned are you with human race?

Are you waiting for the comet?
Are you waiting for the final four?
Are you waiting for Armageddon?
Are you waiting to give your own?

to be continued...

Pain

Where is that Elton John song when I need it LOL. 460 cal today all liquid. That makes up for a carb and fat weekend. Saturday was Friendly’s where I had a grilled cheese with bacon and grilled onions and a three scoop hot fudge sundae with pistachio, forbidden chocolate, and chocolate chip cookie dough scoops. And lots of whip cream. And a cherry. And earlier, Sunday's Mac and cheese and three hotdogs. 45 cal each hotdogs. Still lots of carbs and fat and sugar and Yum Yum yummy.

Softball tonight was fun. The first game of them Monday men’s league where the competition is tougher than any of my other leagues these days. We won 11 to 1 in five innings surprisingly as we played a team that we always go close with. They were the only team to beat us last year and we beat them by one run the other times we played them. I pitched really well so they couldn’t seem to hit. Their defense was good. And I walked and got a solid single right field. It’s fun to win but it’s more fun to play well with friends against a good team.

The title of this, if this stays together as one entry, though I can see it splitting up into several already, refers to the broken leg I suffered in the first inning. Well maybe it wasn’t quite broken but then I didn’t think the bone had a fracture last two times I broke a bone. Pain, the final frontier. Excuse me I didn’t take drugs but I am seeking distraction and spacing out as much as I can without drugs.

The ball slams into my shin end ricocheted nicely to the first baseman for where out. That ended the first inning. I couldn’t walk very well rest of the game. Somehow I pitched and got the walk and the hit and hobbled to first and did well. I could not stop moving though because if I stood still have the pain was pounding to the point where I didn’t think I could start walking again so I just kept walking and just kept walking.

When I got back here I was going to sit with my leg propped up and do some writing or something but the pain grew to the point where I thought about going to get an x-ray. Instead I laid down and tried to go to sleep. 15 minutes later I realized I was not going to sleep so I reach for the phone and started playing the games on the phone hoping that I could distract myself. I could not find a comfortable position that did not seem to increase the pain.

Alas...

Finally though, after playing three different games and using up all the lives in those games, the leg stopped throbbing outrageously and I was able to walk to the kitchen, or should I say hobble to the kitchen, and once there I hobbled back with a protein drink. Laying down again the pain was almost as bad as it was when I first laid down, but it subsided after about 10 minutes instead of taking 45 or so like the last time.

I texted Jackson to tell her we won and had a good time and I played well because I wanted some attention. But I didn’t tell her about the leg in a text, that I emailed to her and I’m pretty sure she won’t read that until tomorrow. I don’t like stressing her out, But I really wanted someone who cared about me to know how much pain I was in.

So goes life.

I really don’t think I will get out of bed again, so I won’t find out if the guy who wrote to me about sharing space wrote back after my long email last night. I likely scared him off as I do just about everyone. But I really don’t want to live with someone I have to hold back with. That is not fun and it only leaves me wanting to find somewhere else to live. So at least here I am minimally restricted as long as I am satisfied with the privacy of my small room. And so let's try to ignore and forgive all the complaints and unpleasant things I must’ve written about more times than I want to write about again.

He’s really really nice guy. Eb, I mean.

So where do I go from here. I mean in this babbling trail of words not so much in living space. That is not something that can be decided this moment or tonight in this babble, but to babble or not to babble that is the question. As long as I keep talking maybe I won’t think about how much pain but the leg is pounding into my nerves. Ha ha that didn’t work.

Work was good today. The usual desk work catching up on paperwork. Another 14 new hires were in orientation which meant another 14 new drivers had to be added to the database and several into the DOT database so that and auditing the many files that must be read through to update all the databases took up most of the day. Someday I may even be caught up. So morning was data entry and driver checks, the afternoon orientation. I started a couple of other projects that have been ongoing in the afternoon. Those will continue on Wednesday that’s tomorrow I have a full day session I’m not sure what else to call it.

In a surprise move, the Boss praised the risk management policy I wrote for the county. That’s something I still do well.

So I wish the pain would stop, because I really should try to sleep, but the pain is seeking distraction or attention or something and naturally that is leading me to want more distraction and the babbling isn’t doing it at the moment, but I don’t know if TV would help. I know food is calling my name. But I am trying not to. It is late and I definitely do not need the calories.

I get so lonely sometimes there’s not much to say. I don’t know what to do about it, words get in the way, and yet the words are all I have share with you today, if only you were listening, if only you... will come out to play.

In the human, but macular vernacular, I would sell my soul if it would help someone. That’s what makes me happy helping people. Caring about people. Sharing the caring even if I don’t get much feedback feels as good as anything I can do in this world. It gets tough when I become frustrated with the self-destruction I see all around me and I don’t want to be around people because that’s where the self-destruction comes from. And yet I still want to care. Because I do care. And I still want to help. Because that is what makes me happy. I suppose the most frustration comes from not being able to help everyone. Not knowing how. Worse yet, not being excepted as someone who can help.

I just won't lie to anyone anymore.

That is why I’m as alone as I am. I don’t know anyone who does not want to be lied to. I wish I could find someone who respects and wants completely open honesty the way I do.
I wish I could find someone did not empower fear
I wish I could find someone who knew how to care
I wish I could find someone who knew how to share
I wish I could find someone who is aware
Stop me if I’m boring you. Actually you can’t. You can walk away like everybody else

And that is actually what I want. I don’t want anybody hanging around who wants to be lied to. Or who is afraid of honesty. That’s the thing that hurts the most. So many people, everyone I’ve ever met, is afraid of honesty. That’s all I want. Honesty. Where is that Billy Joel song when I need it. LOL

Isn't this sort of where we came in?

Narf :)

Un or Dis (T2V Babble)

OK so you may be wondering what the title means. Specifically about where my mind was wondering if I was on organized or this organized. What a stupid voice to text program. Unorganized or disorganized. Amazing. Certainly not in a good way. So whatever was on my mind it’s already distracted and changed. Who takes responsibility for that. Maybe the creator of this voice to text software on dis phone was from Brooklyn. Almost LOL.

So, the thought was choosing between unorganized and disorganized. It seems to work better if I speak like Captain Kirk. Perhaps LOL. Still. way. too. distracted. to. be. satisfied. with. voice. to. text.

Eb is wearing actually Eb is watching a special dedicated to Spock. Being a fan of logic, I always usually enjoyed that character and while Next Generation was by far superior for me, primarily I think because of the overreacting and pretentiousness at times and the original show, I enjoyed it show in the series on its own merit. Jackson would say it’s my 80 DD. Interesting ADD.

So what brought about this thought about the difference between unorganized and diss organize was packing for the trip to the World Series. Are you exhausted probably didn’t help. I didn’t ask are you exhausted. hey said being exhausted didn’t help. stupid text late program. how did voice become late. Voice. I must articulate very poorly.

I seem to have two small suitcases hey, hey duffel bag 18 inches, and a carrying bag. That does not include my laptop bag. Or my softball vac. Bag. This writing might take more time editing then it is worth.

I felt much more organized the last time I did laundry and sorted things on the shelving. I think that was because I had more time. And I was not as tired. It could simply be that I did not have a big enough suitcase to begin with. I am going for a week and I will need to set of clothes for each day since the softball gear will be soaked. The need for medication on the Botox Botox asshole. Start again. The need for medication on the lower portion of my back between the cheeks and on the scrotal sac creates the need for a third set of clothing for nightwear especially with two people sharing a room. I did not pack with as much organization as I would like and I will probably have no search for things. Hopefully I will not have to buy things.

That was this evening and this day and a lot more in it.

Let’s start with last night. The shopping I did during the day prevented me from starting laundry and packing so the plan was to do that in the evening. Then I’ll poke called and wow. Harpo called, not I'll poke. I decided to head over there to play games with 10 man and his date. That’s tin man. It was tin man and it changed to 10 man and I have no idea why. 1010 1010. TIN. Voice to text can suck my whatever.

No wonder I am not uploaded, who has time for all the editing this ill need.

So I did not get back here until after 1 AM. I said so I did not get back here until after 1 AM. I did not get to sleep due to my game being on the phone until probably near 4 AM. Maybe later. I woke today to head to softball practice. What a different practice it was.

Five people showed up including me. The coach and his mom and a friend of theirs but the friend didn’t practice. So it was not really a practice but more of a me pitching, them hitting. It was supposed to start at nine and it started at 9:30. It was supposed to end at 11 and it almost did. There is so little energy on that team, but I’m committed to helping them get better even if they really don’t want to LOL. They are getting better though at their own pace. They are not in it to win really even though they would like to.

I just hope I get to play and we don’t forfeit two many games because we do not have enough people showing up.

After practice I stop for the mail. I think I already spoke all this. Can I send this by saying email send.

Gmail send.

I guess it would be confusing if there was a word to send the email because the word could inadvertently be sad while speaking and email. So anyway I will check to see whether I already covered the rest of today or whether I’ll be back to summarize it further.

Maybe another time.

Narf :)

Rambo (Ramble)

Somehow ramble became Rambo. Also paragraphs seem to disappear and the text seems to re-write itself from time to time. Like hitting the backspace key for a few dozen words and then retyping them. In case you have not been following along in other blogs, I am referring to text-to-talk. Much like everything else in this computer world the user has much less control than than we think we should. So far what I am finding is that it is a whole lot more fun to write with a keyboard than it is to talk to a voice to text technology. I wonder what would happen if I just started rambling and did not stare at the screen pausing between every word and enunciating as clearly as possible. I am certainly not free associating in my mind or letting my mind wonder where it would go... I wonder where it would go if I did leave it to wander.

What would you do if I spoke out of tune
Would you stand up and walk out on me LOL
Is there anybody going to listen to my story
I could tell it in lyrical harmony
(even if I told it in lyrical harmony)
I have no idea why new lines and paragraphs seem to disappear sometimes but they do. I can see the voice to text is going to take a lot of secondary editing at the keyboard. And the free flow of words is hampered to the point where I don’t know if creativity will happen. Creativity somehow became create twit he until I changed it.

I do this, this blogging life, because I want to share. I want to share because sharing feels good. I care because caring feels good. What feels best for me in this life is sharing caring honestly openly without inhibition restriction or any reservations. That is gotten harder and harder to do over the years because people seem to let fear overcome their love. Caring is not what people do well. Hypocrisy lying cheating stealing using abusing that’s what people do well. I know that is a generalization and I know it does not fit all people, at least I hope it doesn’t. I just have not met anyone who does not lie to themselves. I have not met anyone who doesn’t hide in fear.

That leaves me on a very different consciousness than anyone I’ve ever met because here I am exposing everything and anything I know about myself and my life. Because this is what life is about as far as I can tell, sharing without holding back. The way I see it if you don’t share everything completely openly and honestly and you’re wasting time. And there’s so little time in this life. Why waste it hiding, pretending, or letting fear keep you from sharing caring and being all you can be.?

It is always been that simple for me. From my first thoughts before fear and betrayal and abuse they were still neglect and abandonment but none of that felt good and I simply wanted to feel good. It was a no brainer for me. Sharing caring openly honestly completely was the best feeling I know. He did leave me more roll Marable and still does. More vulnerable. But trying to protect myself felt worse then anything anyone else could do to me because what others did was not in my control. Why should I hurt myself when I did not have to? The answer is I said was pretty simple. I did not have to hurt myself I could share I could care I do not have to hide I did not have to give into fear so I stopped maybe before I started. I think people get confused between what others do to them and what they do to themselves. I can walk away from others. I can’t walk away for myself. I’ll treat myself where I want to be treated even if no one else knows even if it leaves me vulnerable to those who would take advantage. Whatever they get out of it I get more.

This is how it started for me. The blogging, all the writing, pouring myself that into words. Understand the difference between the pain I felt that I created on my own and the pain I felt that others actions created in me. I lost the love of my life. The person who made me feel more than anyone ever did or has cents. That led me to try to understand what love was. And I came to understand that it was not the love that hurt, it was losing the love that hurt. It was a fear that love stopped that hurt. That love could end. Fear lead to love ending. And I realized it was not me who created that fear. That fear came from outside, from another, and I did not have to let that fear grow in me. I could endure the pain of love dying just as it felt because I knew love didn't die. People do. I lived in the closet for a few days, literally, just wanting the world to go away. When I emerged, life was the same. Except The one I wanted to be with most forever was no longer there.

I decided that love was not something most people, perhaps not anyone, could do. Not the pure, completely open honest love that seems to be buried by fear or some sort of brainwashing early in life. Religion leads people to look for love in secret, in fantasy, and in delusion - or at the very least in something outside of this life that only believe can bring them close to. That’s all well and good, but why deny the unbelievably beautiful and practically magical energy and trust the passion that is love here on Earth? It makes no sense to do that.

So be afraid of your body, be afraid of sex, be afraid of trust, be afraid of doing the wrong thing whatever your rule book calls the wrong thing, and live your life waiting for something better after you die if that’s what you want to do. I hope to find someone who isn’t waiting to die to start living.

Empathy
Completely Open Honesty
Until This Body Is Blue
God People
Empathy In a World of Lies
Hope (How I Love)
Make Good Memories
And All The Rest Too

I hope to find someone to love before I die.
I hope to find someone who will love me as I am.
I hope to find someone not afraid of honesty.
I hope to find someone that is not afraid of me.

Headlights

So will I ever make the time to read through all of the words in all of the files and letters to put the entries they are or could be into the blogs where they belong? Maybe, if I had weeks off from work and wanted to sit reading and cutting and pasting and typing the words that will turn the babble into entries that fit where they belong.

Or something like that.

So hello. This entry was written tomorrow or maybe yesterday or it could have been today and then again, the additions could have been months later for all we know, it may never have been written at all. As I may have mentioned or will mention (time is relative), I went out softball practice sometime and that was way too easy, no workout at all, so I want to go to the gym after but instead I went to the World Series team before the world series party. We went to Carver Spring and a little after they started barbecuing we got rained out. We all went back to the guys house, which was absolutely beautiful and huge, and hung out.

Way too impulsively, and way too quickly (cuz I did it just as it started raining lightly at the Spring), I ate too Bubba burger cheese cheddar burgers on buns with three slices of extra cheese each. Also ate about eight or nine meatballs. And broccoli and carrots. Other than the broccoli and carrots, nothing was in anyway light, low calorie, or within the parameters of the food I’ve been eating for four months now. From the mid to end of May through June through July through August. At the moment, the low calorie diet is on hold.

On the way to the party between practice and the party I stopped at the post office and picked up mail and I stopped at Costco and picked up water protein drinks and maybe something else cuz I impulse buy all he time. After the party I stopped at Walmart and spent more money. I did find some things I think I will use and somethings I definitely needed. The pharmacy provides a cream and an ointment when I went in to see if they carried a specific ointment I was looking for and as luck would have it, the pharmacist was holding it behind the counter for someone else along with another cream that precisely fits what I need. That customer apparently never picked it up and it was exactly what I was asking for from the pharmacist or doctor. Walmart does not always carry it so they happen to have it sitting on the shelf in the back. Lucky break. I seem to be so surprised I am repeating myself. Again. As I often do. Repeatedly. I even bought a couple of containers in a bag that I will use for all of my toiletries when I travel by car. I also bought a small bag that I will use for my toiletries for when I travel by plane. Finally my traveling bathroom items will be more organized.

At the moment, or rather, whenever this entry was written in real time, I was waiting for the magnesium citrate and water and stool softeners that I took when I got back here to start working. The suppositories I used, glycerin suppository followed by a hemorrhoid suppository, are working really well and I am doing my best to lay here quietly and still so they do not explode out of me prematurely before the magnesium citrate and still softeners do that their thing. I can only imagine what the very extremely rare burgers and cheese and all that other stuff is doing in my gut right now. There’s no pain or any discomfort, There is some pressure because, for the first time in at least a week, is actually solid food in the gut.

So this little ramble could (and I believe did) turn into several entries in three different blogs, at least, and maybe this is how I should do it from now on because it would keep me from sitting too much. At the moment, I am also waiting for Eb to wake up so he can get his wash out of the washer so I can do a laundry. I need to do one tonight so I can leave with the right clothes for the week all packed up tonight for tomorrow morning. I may nap or even sleep through the night depending on the bowels and wake up really early in the morning and do the wash then.

Maybe not.

It will depend on the bowels and Eb.

So what are you up to whenever you are reading?

Hope it's fun.

Narf :)