Softball tonight was fun. The first game of them Monday men’s league where the competition is tougher than any of my other leagues these days. We won 11 to 1 in five innings surprisingly as we played a team that we always go close with. They were the only team to beat us last year and we beat them by one run the other times we played them. I pitched really well so they couldn’t seem to hit. Their defense was good. And I walked and got a solid single right field. It’s fun to win but it’s more fun to play well with friends against a good team.
The title of this, if this stays together as one entry, though I can see it splitting up into several already, refers to the broken leg I suffered in the first inning. Well maybe it wasn’t quite broken but then I didn’t think the bone had a fracture last two times I broke a bone. Pain, the final frontier. Excuse me I didn’t take drugs but I am seeking distraction and spacing out as much as I can without drugs.
The ball slams into my shin end ricocheted nicely to the first baseman for where out. That ended the first inning. I couldn’t walk very well rest of the game. Somehow I pitched and got the walk and the hit and hobbled to first and did well. I could not stop moving though because if I stood still have the pain was pounding to the point where I didn’t think I could start walking again so I just kept walking and just kept walking.
When I got back here I was going to sit with my leg propped up and do some writing or something but the pain grew to the point where I thought about going to get an x-ray. Instead I laid down and tried to go to sleep. 15 minutes later I realized I was not going to sleep so I reach for the phone and started playing the games on the phone hoping that I could distract myself. I could not find a comfortable position that did not seem to increase the pain.
Alas...
Finally though, after playing three different games and using up all the lives in those games, the leg stopped throbbing outrageously and I was able to walk to the kitchen, or should I say hobble to the kitchen, and once there I hobbled back with a protein drink. Laying down again the pain was almost as bad as it was when I first laid down, but it subsided after about 10 minutes instead of taking 45 or so like the last time.
I texted Jackson to tell her we won and had a good time and I played well because I wanted some attention. But I didn’t tell her about the leg in a text, that I emailed to her and I’m pretty sure she won’t read that until tomorrow. I don’t like stressing her out, But I really wanted someone who cared about me to know how much pain I was in.
So goes life.
I really don’t think I will get out of bed again, so I won’t find out if the guy who wrote to me about sharing space wrote back after my long email last night. I likely scared him off as I do just about everyone. But I really don’t want to live with someone I have to hold back with. That is not fun and it only leaves me wanting to find somewhere else to live. So at least here I am minimally restricted as long as I am satisfied with the privacy of my small room. And so let's try to ignore and forgive all the complaints and unpleasant things I must’ve written about more times than I want to write about again.
He’s really really nice guy. Eb, I mean.
So where do I go from here. I mean in this babbling trail of words not so much in living space. That is not something that can be decided this moment or tonight in this babble, but to babble or not to babble that is the question. As long as I keep talking maybe I won’t think about how much pain but the leg is pounding into my nerves. Ha ha that didn’t work.
Work was good today. The usual desk work catching up on paperwork. Another 14 new hires were in orientation which meant another 14 new drivers had to be added to the database and several into the DOT database so that and auditing the many files that must be read through to update all the databases took up most of the day. Someday I may even be caught up. So morning was data entry and driver checks, the afternoon orientation. I started a couple of other projects that have been ongoing in the afternoon. Those will continue on Wednesday that’s tomorrow I have a full day session I’m not sure what else to call it.
In a surprise move, the Boss praised the risk management policy I wrote for the county. That’s something I still do well.
So I wish the pain would stop, because I really should try to sleep, but the pain is seeking distraction or attention or something and naturally that is leading me to want more distraction and the babbling isn’t doing it at the moment, but I don’t know if TV would help. I know food is calling my name. But I am trying not to. It is late and I definitely do not need the calories.
I get so lonely sometimes there’s not much to say. I don’t know what to do about it, words get in the way, and yet the words are all I have share with you today, if only you were listening, if only you... will come out to play.
In the human, but macular vernacular, I would sell my soul if it would help someone. That’s what makes me happy helping people. Caring about people. Sharing the caring even if I don’t get much feedback feels as good as anything I can do in this world. It gets tough when I become frustrated with the self-destruction I see all around me and I don’t want to be around people because that’s where the self-destruction comes from. And yet I still want to care. Because I do care. And I still want to help. Because that is what makes me happy. I suppose the most frustration comes from not being able to help everyone. Not knowing how. Worse yet, not being excepted as someone who can help.
I just won't lie to anyone anymore.
That is why I’m as alone as I am. I don’t know anyone who does not want to be lied to. I wish I could find someone who respects and wants completely open honesty the way I do.
I wish I could find someone who knew how to care
I wish I could find someone who knew how to share
I wish I could find someone who is aware
And that is actually what I want. I don’t want anybody hanging around who wants to be lied to. Or who is afraid of honesty. That’s the thing that hurts the most. So many people, everyone I’ve ever met, is afraid of honesty. That’s all I want. Honesty. Where is that Billy Joel song when I need it. LOL
Isn't this sort of where we came in?
Narf :)
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