Rambo (Ramble)

Somehow ramble became Rambo. Also paragraphs seem to disappear and the text seems to re-write itself from time to time. Like hitting the backspace key for a few dozen words and then retyping them. In case you have not been following along in other blogs, I am referring to text-to-talk. Much like everything else in this computer world the user has much less control than than we think we should. So far what I am finding is that it is a whole lot more fun to write with a keyboard than it is to talk to a voice to text technology. I wonder what would happen if I just started rambling and did not stare at the screen pausing between every word and enunciating as clearly as possible. I am certainly not free associating in my mind or letting my mind wonder where it would go... I wonder where it would go if I did leave it to wander.

What would you do if I spoke out of tune
Would you stand up and walk out on me LOL
Is there anybody going to listen to my story
I could tell it in lyrical harmony
(even if I told it in lyrical harmony)
I have no idea why new lines and paragraphs seem to disappear sometimes but they do. I can see the voice to text is going to take a lot of secondary editing at the keyboard. And the free flow of words is hampered to the point where I don’t know if creativity will happen. Creativity somehow became create twit he until I changed it.

I do this, this blogging life, because I want to share. I want to share because sharing feels good. I care because caring feels good. What feels best for me in this life is sharing caring honestly openly without inhibition restriction or any reservations. That is gotten harder and harder to do over the years because people seem to let fear overcome their love. Caring is not what people do well. Hypocrisy lying cheating stealing using abusing that’s what people do well. I know that is a generalization and I know it does not fit all people, at least I hope it doesn’t. I just have not met anyone who does not lie to themselves. I have not met anyone who doesn’t hide in fear.

That leaves me on a very different consciousness than anyone I’ve ever met because here I am exposing everything and anything I know about myself and my life. Because this is what life is about as far as I can tell, sharing without holding back. The way I see it if you don’t share everything completely openly and honestly and you’re wasting time. And there’s so little time in this life. Why waste it hiding, pretending, or letting fear keep you from sharing caring and being all you can be.?

It is always been that simple for me. From my first thoughts before fear and betrayal and abuse they were still neglect and abandonment but none of that felt good and I simply wanted to feel good. It was a no brainer for me. Sharing caring openly honestly completely was the best feeling I know. He did leave me more roll Marable and still does. More vulnerable. But trying to protect myself felt worse then anything anyone else could do to me because what others did was not in my control. Why should I hurt myself when I did not have to? The answer is I said was pretty simple. I did not have to hurt myself I could share I could care I do not have to hide I did not have to give into fear so I stopped maybe before I started. I think people get confused between what others do to them and what they do to themselves. I can walk away from others. I can’t walk away for myself. I’ll treat myself where I want to be treated even if no one else knows even if it leaves me vulnerable to those who would take advantage. Whatever they get out of it I get more.

This is how it started for me. The blogging, all the writing, pouring myself that into words. Understand the difference between the pain I felt that I created on my own and the pain I felt that others actions created in me. I lost the love of my life. The person who made me feel more than anyone ever did or has cents. That led me to try to understand what love was. And I came to understand that it was not the love that hurt, it was losing the love that hurt. It was a fear that love stopped that hurt. That love could end. Fear lead to love ending. And I realized it was not me who created that fear. That fear came from outside, from another, and I did not have to let that fear grow in me. I could endure the pain of love dying just as it felt because I knew love didn't die. People do. I lived in the closet for a few days, literally, just wanting the world to go away. When I emerged, life was the same. Except The one I wanted to be with most forever was no longer there.

I decided that love was not something most people, perhaps not anyone, could do. Not the pure, completely open honest love that seems to be buried by fear or some sort of brainwashing early in life. Religion leads people to look for love in secret, in fantasy, and in delusion - or at the very least in something outside of this life that only believe can bring them close to. That’s all well and good, but why deny the unbelievably beautiful and practically magical energy and trust the passion that is love here on Earth? It makes no sense to do that.

So be afraid of your body, be afraid of sex, be afraid of trust, be afraid of doing the wrong thing whatever your rule book calls the wrong thing, and live your life waiting for something better after you die if that’s what you want to do. I hope to find someone who isn’t waiting to die to start living.

Empathy
Completely Open Honesty
Until This Body Is Blue
God People
Empathy In a World of Lies
Hope (How I Love)
Make Good Memories
And All The Rest Too

I hope to find someone to love before I die.
I hope to find someone who will love me as I am.
I hope to find someone not afraid of honesty.
I hope to find someone that is not afraid of me.