Writing to Myself Again

Because there’s no one else to talk to at this hour of the night I sit or lay in bed awake and write. Writing to myself again. And again, there’s no one to talk to at most any time of the day.

Changing the meaning and changing what I’m trying to say seems to be standard practice for talk to text. It’s taking some time to get used to it, but then I remember when I first had a keyboard after years of writing with men and paper. The keyboard was so alien, so awkward, it didn’t feel like I could be comfortable. It took a few years actually, but now the keyboard is my comfortable writing method. More comfortable than the pen and paper. The pen paper became painful. That’s how much are used to write. I still have a callous raised on the fingers where the pencil or pen would fit neatly.

Now with the keyboard as the comfortable way to write, this talking to text is awkward. But it’s becoming more comfortable as I do it. I am overlooking the typos in fact, I might stop looking at the screen completely after a while. I'll just have a whole lot of editing to do when I finally upload the words.

So what’s new?

Today I had two slices of pizza. One everything pizza and one large plain cheese pizza slice. It was lunch at the environmental services risk management conference. Maybe conference is the wrong word, it’s a project. Twenty-five people gathered in a room to discuss the assets and the risks to those assets. I’m glad I’m participating because I’m getting to know more about the department. I have a lot more interaction with public works then I do with this part of environmental services, utilities operations. I am connected with solid waste management division of environmental services much more than with utilities operations. Utilities handles the water in the county delivering clean water and cleaning up some water and reclaiming rainwater and stormwater.

Anyway it was a productive day. The second session of this project. Did I mention pizza? A cup of coffee, a rare cup of coffee started the day as I’ve been getting very little sleep lately. Two 100 calorie protein drinks finished the day. When I got back here I found an email from the new guy and the prospects of looking for a place with him are promising. I won’t count the chickens yet.

He’s from Long Island, go figure. Anyway after writing back to him, I laid down and fell asleep. I woke about six or seven hours later and thought I might go back to sleep did not. I played the games on the phone for a couple of hours and then here I am.

So what have I got to say for myself tonight. Still the same old story hoping to fall in love with someone who might love me. Hoping the human race comes to it's senses and stops the great self-destruction it seems to love so much. Hoping it isn’t too sad when I finally do move out. Hoping to find a new place at a good price. Hoping the right house comes along in the next year so I can stop paying rent and save a little more maybe. It scares me wow. I burped and said excuse me and talk to text wrote it scares me. Friday? Freud well Friday is Friday, but Freud?

Everything scares me and nothing scares me. I have this love-hate relationship with fear. More love than hate, but a lot of ambivalence. Fear has it’s purpose. It does what it does, it does best when we let it go. I don’t empower fear most of the time but I know it’s there. It’s a friend more often than not. If you know it’s there and except it for what it is and then think. Accept it for what it is, as instinct. Most people seem to empower it way more than necessary.

So anyway, talk to text thinks I’m afraid. Perhaps I think talk to text doesn’t understand English.

It’s a little more amusing than annoying tonight, but nonetheless just as distracting as ever. I probably have a lot on my mind, since I just slept and even though it’s the middle of the night and I can sleep a little more if I was wise, I am awake alert and in a very good mood.

The mind is a terrible thing to waste, or so we are told, and that’s very true; however most people do.

The leg still hurts a lot, but it does not seem to be broken. I don’t think I have a compression fracture like the last time, but I’m keeping a close eye on it. It was the infection that started after the compression fracture was not diagnosed, that started this year of digestive roller coaster issues. I definitely do not want to go through that again. I say that as though it’s over, it’s not, but I am in a good or at least better state than I have been for most of the year. I suppose eating very little and therefore pooping very little has something to do with that. I haven’t gotten a call from the G.I. surgeon that the doctor said he was referring me too. Why should I be surprised?

So yes, I really must pay close attention to the leg. Give it a rest. And not except antibiotics orally again. EVER! I’m not sure what I’ll do if I need antibiotics again, but I will definitely stare down and a Doctor who offers it. Doctor Who? LOL.

As has been the case often in the past, initially putting pressure on the leg hurts a great deal, but after walking a bit there is less pain. There is less pain as long as I am moving. This is going to take a whole lot more editing.

So who’s out there?

My friend over there, across the pond, in that land I only imagine from stories? I wish there were something I could do to bring light and love and fun back into your life. Somewhere in my mind of this idea that we can visualize anything, even finding the synapses within the cells that are misfiring. It may all be just imagination, but I believe someday will be able to transform matter with our minds. And the science of psychology will be telekinetic. Perhaps that is behind the stories of faith healers. Mystical? Or just beyond our current understanding? Imagination leads the way. Do you know? Reality is every day. Imagination leads the way to new realities every day.

And my friend out west, I wish I knew a way to continue communicating beyond these words here. You bring me to confront a conundrum in this life. The boundary between privacy and sharing. I don’t think I want to understand why you limit your sharing. I see it is limiting life. Limiting everything that can be. I hope you’re not too sad, and I really don’t want to offend, but I think hiding or limiting sharing is a waste of life.

And my friend in that mysterious country that this country has held up as the enemy for so many years. How stupid people are, to be following leaders who use enemies and fear to control them, to repress them, to steal from them, to deny their rights, even to kill them. I feel like we understand each other more than most people we might now even though we hardly communicate and barely know each other. I hope you’re well and healthy and taking good care of yourself.

And all the other friends out there, the blog family has not grown much in recent years. It’s still alive in me. I welcome you to share anything anytime and wish you peace health happiness and all the love you dare to imagine and actualize

There was a time, but I am I remember very warmly, when comments would flow after I would write in my babbling blogs and journals and diaries and there was a time, a time I remember very warmly, when comments would flow after I would write in my babbling blogs on diary land and in previous incarnations here on Blogger. Did talk to text lose it's mind?

Anyway, the dream of sharing is what brought me to start writing the first place. I needed to figure out why the sharing stops with the ones I wanted to share the most with and then the sharing just became this, writing to you, to me, to anyone who cares to read. I hope it hasn’t been a waste of time, for you, for me, for anyone who cares to read. I don’t believe it is, or was... at least it doesn’t feel like a waste of time to me.

Sharing. It’s the best I can do.

Reason where are alive here, there, anywhere.

The reason we are alive, period.

At least that’s my belief. We are alive to share. To interact. Do use our senses and perceptions to use our mind and body to explore the world and anything that we might experience. If you have another reason for being alive, more power to you and I hope you enjoy it. I just don’t see a better reason and I welcome you to show me one. You’ll have to share to do it :-)

Perhaps my mind is too simple. Perhaps.

Love. Love is the energy. Energy that connects of things without harm. The energy of the eternal infinity. Many might call this energy God.

There was more, but somewhere along the way, it was lost.

Maybe god did it.

Narf :)