Eventually, many will make it into this blog, in retrospect, perhaps, lost in the oblivion of an unexplored yesterday. Easy listening was never so contrary, but then, tonight is a night for the contrarians among us, even if it is two nights late, but then, what are weekends for, after all, la la la. Following along (understanding the babble) is always a bit like falling through the looking glass, so watch your step around the rabbit hole. Alice doesn't live here anymore and passing the hat never worked for the folk who don't give a flying fuck, so trust the live performances to destroy your memories after a while.
I visited Facebook. It's the same there. babbling influences, I am still not impressed.
What?
So I wrote this earlier and rather than rolling back into the previous day and ranting mode I was in for a brief few entries in other places (what meaningless complaints?... squirrel?... maybe), I fried up some egg whites and folded in some cream cheese and american cheese and bacon spices and feasted on a midnight snack, which brings me here with energy to spare and nobody to share it all with, in case it matters, in case you care.
And two chocolate protein shakes, 22 ounces of additional nutrition. Then eight prunes. Yes, I ate eight prunes. And just n case you are wondering just how far deep I wandered along the way down impulse alley, I spent $144 buying twelve new T-Shirts with clever sayings on them as if I needed twelve new T-Shirts. If I counted up all the clever T-Shirts I have in storage and here in this room, I could wear a different T-Shirt for the rest of this life and never wear the same one twice. Life is a clever T-shirt, sometimes. Or prunes.
So what is your problem?
Are you clicking on all the links as you read and getting lost in the madness of the babbling fool? You could be here by my side and I wouldn't even call you Poncho. This entry, by the way, off the cuff and out of the blue, was started last Halloween and continued tonight, just after midnight, just after the eighth day of the eleventh month of the sour grapes religious excursion into the delusion of time. Happy Birthday, Mikey... just a few nights late. I would have called on the fifth, but I don't have your number anymore.
Wow... fell asleep again.
So this entry is spanning more than a week and still, it is staggering, stuttering, stammering, maybe even stagnating. I would like the world to sing in perfect harmony, but I no longer have the patience to teach it. Still, I still dream of perfect harmony.
Maybe if I upload this right now, it will happen.
Narf :)
Wednesday, October 31, 2018
Wednesday, October 24, 2018
Mega-Madness
Still begging (it is a desperate hunger for attention, you know). So Read this and this too and while we're at it, how about everything here (you may say I'm a dreamer), but at least this one cuz you want to know me, right? Pretty please with sugar on top? Fudge, I'll share my fudge. I't more than a desperate hunger for attention, actually. Attention is just the tip of the iceberg. Appreciation, admiration, affection, devotion, love, honor, cherish, worship, I'm really quite insatiable if you must know. Oh, but you must, that's the purpose of the plea, don't you get it?
Well, give it back.
So I am still awake. Maybe it was the Lottery (with a capital L, of course). I may have prchased on r two tickets in the past few years. I impulsively purchased alot yesterday and the day before. Eight for the Mega-Milions. Work had a pool where a bunch of people put in $5 each and we bought 33. I have no idea how, if everyone put in $2 each, we came to spend $66. Obviously someone put in an extra dollar because we were a lucky thirteen people which would be $65 and 33 tickets cost $66. So forty one tickets. Obviously I did not win, none of those forty one tickets had more than one number and only one had the Mega-ball, or whatever it's called and that one did not have a winning number so $82 bucks down the drain, or rabbit hole. I spent a lot myself, because besides the eight personal purchases, I bought Powerball and Lotto tickets. I figured most people wouldn't be playing the Lotto because the Powerball and Mega jackpots were so large. $620 Million and $1.6 Billion respectively. I will happily accept just a portion of the $4 Million Lotto lol. Sigh, gambling rarely pays. like 1 in over 300 million chance. 302.6 million, to be more precise. 1 in 302,575,350 to be approximately exact. The odds of winning anything are 24 to 1.
Sigh.
There is so much more...
Well, give it back.
So I am still awake. Maybe it was the Lottery (with a capital L, of course). I may have prchased on r two tickets in the past few years. I impulsively purchased alot yesterday and the day before. Eight for the Mega-Milions. Work had a pool where a bunch of people put in $5 each and we bought 33. I have no idea how, if everyone put in $2 each, we came to spend $66. Obviously someone put in an extra dollar because we were a lucky thirteen people which would be $65 and 33 tickets cost $66. So forty one tickets. Obviously I did not win, none of those forty one tickets had more than one number and only one had the Mega-ball, or whatever it's called and that one did not have a winning number so $82 bucks down the drain, or rabbit hole. I spent a lot myself, because besides the eight personal purchases, I bought Powerball and Lotto tickets. I figured most people wouldn't be playing the Lotto because the Powerball and Mega jackpots were so large. $620 Million and $1.6 Billion respectively. I will happily accept just a portion of the $4 Million Lotto lol. Sigh, gambling rarely pays. like 1 in over 300 million chance. 302.6 million, to be more precise. 1 in 302,575,350 to be approximately exact. The odds of winning anything are 24 to 1.
Sigh.
There is so much more...
Monday, October 22, 2018
165 KB
A notepad file that reaches 165 KB has a lot of words in it. Word can tel me how many, but I can't open Word files on this computer because there is not enough room for MS Office on the 32 GB SSD drive because MS Windows takes up most of the drive. A hundred entries, at least. More when some of the words will find their way into multiple blogs and with expounding, the number of entries can double. So in case you thought I am finally running out of words, well, this river is far from running dry. So chin up, my devoted readers (and random browsers), the babbler will continue to fill the void and plant new seeds and the written gardens will continue to grow.
In the vein of some sort of housekeeping (or perhaps it is ore promise keeping), as I insisted somewhat vehemently in this entry in the brief daily blog, read this. It is telling, like other entries that are telling, like some of the entries linked on the sidebars of the dailies. You know the dailies, right? Well, rather than send you fishing through the gardens (a list of most of the blogs, websites, and public pages {like Facebook) still around after the great and small internet wars), I'll provide links right here out of the goodness of my heart and generosity and desperate desire for attention, appreciation, and love. Or laughter, I welcome laughter too. The daily brief blog and this extended daily blog are the current dailies, but they don't have nearly the sidebar link systems these previous dailies and assorted sundries do.
So ok, maybe you don't want to spend hours getting to know me. Here's a shortcut, but then again, it is more linkly an exit to confusion, obscurity, and perhaps a touch of snarkiness. One of those links is a shortcut, but I won't tell you which one.
That not so subtle plug was brought to you be hopefulness.
Trying to share is challenging by myself and I am alive to share. The goal is to share everything completely with someone, the hopefulness is that I will find someone who can and will do that. All these words are meant to help us find each other. Everyone else will likely be distracted or driven away, which is the method to my madness. Besides finding the one, I am very open to finding friends and family. Since I have no biological family, anyone can be adopted family and there is definitely room for a sister or brother (or mom, even). Friends too. Activity partners too. Softball, gym, dining, music, movies, TV, books, and other interests that would be wonderful to share. You are welcome to come into my life if you are honest and believe in doing no harm ad are interested in interests that interest me.
There are several Internet personalities who I feel could be adopted family and possibly friends, but they are far away am busy with a very busy life. You will find many mentioned in my blogs here and there and elsewhere too.
There will be more, but sleep calls...
Something on TV lead me to wonder if a single fish could actually cost a half million dollars or more. I found that a single bluefish tuna was sold for more than three quarters of a million dollars (though the news on fish prices can be quite confusing and contradictory if you search for it... maybe The Atlantic knows). More for the prestige and pomp (whatever the circumstances) than for the profit (because the buyer could never make the investment back), but I was surprised at the price of what is considered quality sushi. I've got to wonder what kind of crap we are eating for a dollar a piece when this is the price of what is considered quality sushi. Anyway, it was a random thought inspired by something I heard on TV.
Nite nite.
Narf :)
In the vein of some sort of housekeeping (or perhaps it is ore promise keeping), as I insisted somewhat vehemently in this entry in the brief daily blog, read this. It is telling, like other entries that are telling, like some of the entries linked on the sidebars of the dailies. You know the dailies, right? Well, rather than send you fishing through the gardens (a list of most of the blogs, websites, and public pages {like Facebook) still around after the great and small internet wars), I'll provide links right here out of the goodness of my heart and generosity and desperate desire for attention, appreciation, and love. Or laughter, I welcome laughter too. The daily brief blog and this extended daily blog are the current dailies, but they don't have nearly the sidebar link systems these previous dailies and assorted sundries do.
So ok, maybe you don't want to spend hours getting to know me. Here's a shortcut, but then again, it is more linkly an exit to confusion, obscurity, and perhaps a touch of snarkiness. One of those links is a shortcut, but I won't tell you which one.
That not so subtle plug was brought to you be hopefulness.
Trying to share is challenging by myself and I am alive to share. The goal is to share everything completely with someone, the hopefulness is that I will find someone who can and will do that. All these words are meant to help us find each other. Everyone else will likely be distracted or driven away, which is the method to my madness. Besides finding the one, I am very open to finding friends and family. Since I have no biological family, anyone can be adopted family and there is definitely room for a sister or brother (or mom, even). Friends too. Activity partners too. Softball, gym, dining, music, movies, TV, books, and other interests that would be wonderful to share. You are welcome to come into my life if you are honest and believe in doing no harm ad are interested in interests that interest me.
There are several Internet personalities who I feel could be adopted family and possibly friends, but they are far away am busy with a very busy life. You will find many mentioned in my blogs here and there and elsewhere too.
There will be more, but sleep calls...
Something on TV lead me to wonder if a single fish could actually cost a half million dollars or more. I found that a single bluefish tuna was sold for more than three quarters of a million dollars (though the news on fish prices can be quite confusing and contradictory if you search for it... maybe The Atlantic knows). More for the prestige and pomp (whatever the circumstances) than for the profit (because the buyer could never make the investment back), but I was surprised at the price of what is considered quality sushi. I've got to wonder what kind of crap we are eating for a dollar a piece when this is the price of what is considered quality sushi. Anyway, it was a random thought inspired by something I heard on TV.
Nite nite.
Narf :)
Sunday, October 21, 2018
Fatigue
Good fatigue though, as I spent two hours at the gym tonight. Yes Saturday night alone at the gym. I am glad I am lucky that my job offers a free gym. Two, actually. Anyway, I did an hour on elliptical at 6.41 mph which is the fastest I’ve done yet. Since today was a low-calorie day, I felt the muscle fatigue. The stamina wasn’t bad. I suppose I have to push harder. After the elliptical, I played with the weights for a while. My arms are amazingly week. The 10 pound dumbbells were all I would work with until I went to lower weights. Muscle tone and strength have diminished considerably with this large weight loss. I know I should’ve been working out while I was losing the weight, but nobody’s perfect, right? LOL
I peddled the exercise bike for a bit while I watch the rest of a couple of college football games. Surprising outcomes in a few. Our local team UCF continues to roll now 707 and oh well voice to text can’t handle that in any case seven wins no losses and 20 wins in a row over more than two seasons. Announcers debated about how good were they are and how worthy they are of a higher ranking and too many agreed they aren’t worthy in spite of them beating a top team, Auburn, at the end of last season. Did I mention they beat Auburn handily? In any case I understand they don’t have the best schedule however that is not all their fault. Last year there toughest game was canceled because of a hurricane and this year one of the toughest games was canceled because of a hurricane. Also tough teams don’t want to play UCF, they’d rather have easy marshmallow wins in there out of conference Games. So we shall see what happens as the season progresses. Jackson is an alumni and serious UCF fan with season tickets. I used to go with her and had season tickets to, but not since she fell in love and goes with her fiancé.
I definitely need to grow my cool friends. Pool of friends. Pool. I have quite a few actually, at least a dozen people that I could call just about anytime to ask if they want to do something. Probably more. They just don't do what I like to do much. And at least a few who I could call anytime if there’s an emergency. Maybe. Still no one really gets deep. None visit my writing (unless you do secretly). Most just stay in the shallows and stay busy with work and their lives. I suppose that’s what most people do, perhaps everyone. Perhaps that’s why we look for that one intimate person in a relationship. I would give just about everything to find a partner in this life, and I’ve tried many ways, many times, giving everything, but I haven’t been that lucky. On some levels I am too picky, my standards are too high, but the heart and mind want to be satisfied and I’ve yet to meet anyone who satisfies both. I ask myself why bother with the relationship, if it’s just going to be unsatisfying in the end. I don’t like him, and none of my heartstrings have M&Ms, but most and where did Eminem’s come from.
It’s probably the fan that is distorting voice to text tonight. I can see it is providing a lot of background noise. But Eb has the thermostat up at 83, I should say down at 83, since he had it at 86 for several days, and the humidity is very high outside in the windows are open. Not much longer.
So just a protein shake yesterday, and a very low-calorie meal today, and the work out combined to leave me fatigued but feeling very good. The scale here said 176.8. The digital scale at the gym said 177.6. And the beam balance scale at the gym said 179. That’s the first time I got the beam balance scale under 180. I hope to keep it there. The meal was a bag of onions, a bag of cauliflower rice, and two pieces of flounder. The onions and the Collie flower where maybe 100 cal. So the meal was probably under 300 cal. That’s all for today except for a couple of protein shakes. So it’s a 500 cal day.
Tomorrow is softball, So I will make sure I drink a couple of extra protein shakes, and possibly eat more calories. Depending on how I feel. I really want to be 170 before Thanksgiving. That’s 170 consistently, perhaps under 170 consistently before Thanksgiving. I intend on enjoying food during the holidays. And if I can maintain the 180 for this long, I’d like to be under 170 and maintain that for at least a few weeks before the holiday meals start. On the other hand Red Lobster has there all you can eat shrimp deal going on, and Outback has steak and all-you-can-eat shrimp going on, and I intend on doing both in the next few weeks.
Maybe.
Rest Beuten is back in town, bats Rasputin. Yes so anyway, Rasputin is back in town and if he gets a job soon he should be another dinner partner. Maybe. Helen found a new job, which is just like her not being out of work for more than a few days, that’s a good thing for her, so she will be happy to join me at either place. Maybe. There is a choice of several others who enjoy dining out. I could make it a group event, but we shall see. Maybe.
The new roommate texted today again. I wasn’t going anywhere and I suppose he wasn’t either because he didn’t text until the evening. I wonder if he is considering that he can’t afford any of the decent places. I should say potential new roommate since I have not found a place that he can afford. I am also leaning more towards the one bedroom, even though it is more money than I wanted to spend on rent. If I do it for year I will save what I can which will be at least $1500 less then I would save if I shared a smaller place rather a 2 Bedroom Pl, but the privacy and living as I wish to live will be like heaven.
If there is such a thing.
Wow the fan really does make a lot of background noise. But it is definitely way too warm to not have the fans on tonight. I don’t need it down to 72 or even 75, I’m very comfortable at 80 even, most of the time I am very comfortable at 78°, most of the time. I will need to figure out where to put the washer and dryer though, which means I might have to pay for storage or have the washer dryer moved upstairs by movers for the time I am at the one bedroom place. Maybe. That means it they will take up space and I will have to pay to have them moved again. The second floor is the primary drawback keeping me from confirming the one bedroom. I wonder if my friend will go less than she originally said because of that. I can only hope.
The body is really tired, but I’m not that sleepy. Softball isn’t until 1 PM tomorrow so I don’t have to leave here until noon, so I don’t have to be awake too early. I am just too tired to do much of anything else right now so I’m laying here and voice writing. I didn’t unpack several boxes tonight. And I got all my laundry done except for the sheets last night. So there is much to do.
I’d like to fall asleep before the muscles get to achy because they are hungry. If I don’t eat tonight I should lose a pound or two after softball tomorrow and perhaps a little more gym. I’d like to be able to go get real food and do the gym tomorrow. We shall see how my willpower is and how my motivation is. It would be so much easier if I had an athletic partner or even a cheerleader. But I know I do it for me primarily and I don’t need anyone else. I just want to share so much that not sharing aches.
I listened to Janet Devlin as a couple of blog posts will point out. She is a child my child inside can enjoy as her words touched me and her music is fun. Moreover, her personality is open and honest as I’ve said elsewhere. While it could all be a show on the internet, I sense genuine vulnerability and sincerity in her words and causes. Ultimately though, I sense she is very confused and tied down by her religious upbringing and the closed minds that judge her (luck of the Irish, not). I know very few people who live their lives free of guilt nd shame, without empowering others fears or their own self-doubts, in fact I know of none. I just would love to find one. Anyway, Janet's music and video blogs kept me interested and amused so I thank her for that. I think she would be a good friend. Though it would likely be yet another adoption for me. You can ask what I mean by that if you don’t already know because it is very much part of the story of my life and the story of every relationship I’ve ever known. Adopted family is all the family I've ever had, as far as I know. Being an independent child right from the start leaves me with very few peers.
There are several internet personalities who I feel could be adopted family and possibly friends, but they are far away am busy with very busy lives. Uniquely, Janet response to comments very consistently, even to complete strangers. I left a few and she responded to one, the one on her most recent post. I can understand her not responding to comments on old posts but I left a few anyway. As I mentioned, you can find more about my journey through her YouTube in my blogs. I should visit more often.
I am rambling on now because I am not sleepy, yet I am tired physically. The muscles will demand food if I get up and do things and I really don’t want to put more calories in the body this late. It is after midnight after all. In fact it is 1:34 AM and while I am a bit wired, I’d like to get a full 8 to 9 hours sleep tonight. So I’d like to be fast to sleep in the next hour.
I’ll send this now as voice to text is being taxed to it’s limits.
Happy Birthday PJ...
Narf :)
I peddled the exercise bike for a bit while I watch the rest of a couple of college football games. Surprising outcomes in a few. Our local team UCF continues to roll now 707 and oh well voice to text can’t handle that in any case seven wins no losses and 20 wins in a row over more than two seasons. Announcers debated about how good were they are and how worthy they are of a higher ranking and too many agreed they aren’t worthy in spite of them beating a top team, Auburn, at the end of last season. Did I mention they beat Auburn handily? In any case I understand they don’t have the best schedule however that is not all their fault. Last year there toughest game was canceled because of a hurricane and this year one of the toughest games was canceled because of a hurricane. Also tough teams don’t want to play UCF, they’d rather have easy marshmallow wins in there out of conference Games. So we shall see what happens as the season progresses. Jackson is an alumni and serious UCF fan with season tickets. I used to go with her and had season tickets to, but not since she fell in love and goes with her fiancé.
I definitely need to grow my cool friends. Pool of friends. Pool. I have quite a few actually, at least a dozen people that I could call just about anytime to ask if they want to do something. Probably more. They just don't do what I like to do much. And at least a few who I could call anytime if there’s an emergency. Maybe. Still no one really gets deep. None visit my writing (unless you do secretly). Most just stay in the shallows and stay busy with work and their lives. I suppose that’s what most people do, perhaps everyone. Perhaps that’s why we look for that one intimate person in a relationship. I would give just about everything to find a partner in this life, and I’ve tried many ways, many times, giving everything, but I haven’t been that lucky. On some levels I am too picky, my standards are too high, but the heart and mind want to be satisfied and I’ve yet to meet anyone who satisfies both. I ask myself why bother with the relationship, if it’s just going to be unsatisfying in the end. I don’t like him, and none of my heartstrings have M&Ms, but most and where did Eminem’s come from.
It’s probably the fan that is distorting voice to text tonight. I can see it is providing a lot of background noise. But Eb has the thermostat up at 83, I should say down at 83, since he had it at 86 for several days, and the humidity is very high outside in the windows are open. Not much longer.
So just a protein shake yesterday, and a very low-calorie meal today, and the work out combined to leave me fatigued but feeling very good. The scale here said 176.8. The digital scale at the gym said 177.6. And the beam balance scale at the gym said 179. That’s the first time I got the beam balance scale under 180. I hope to keep it there. The meal was a bag of onions, a bag of cauliflower rice, and two pieces of flounder. The onions and the Collie flower where maybe 100 cal. So the meal was probably under 300 cal. That’s all for today except for a couple of protein shakes. So it’s a 500 cal day.
Tomorrow is softball, So I will make sure I drink a couple of extra protein shakes, and possibly eat more calories. Depending on how I feel. I really want to be 170 before Thanksgiving. That’s 170 consistently, perhaps under 170 consistently before Thanksgiving. I intend on enjoying food during the holidays. And if I can maintain the 180 for this long, I’d like to be under 170 and maintain that for at least a few weeks before the holiday meals start. On the other hand Red Lobster has there all you can eat shrimp deal going on, and Outback has steak and all-you-can-eat shrimp going on, and I intend on doing both in the next few weeks.
Maybe.
Rest Beuten is back in town, bats Rasputin. Yes so anyway, Rasputin is back in town and if he gets a job soon he should be another dinner partner. Maybe. Helen found a new job, which is just like her not being out of work for more than a few days, that’s a good thing for her, so she will be happy to join me at either place. Maybe. There is a choice of several others who enjoy dining out. I could make it a group event, but we shall see. Maybe.
The new roommate texted today again. I wasn’t going anywhere and I suppose he wasn’t either because he didn’t text until the evening. I wonder if he is considering that he can’t afford any of the decent places. I should say potential new roommate since I have not found a place that he can afford. I am also leaning more towards the one bedroom, even though it is more money than I wanted to spend on rent. If I do it for year I will save what I can which will be at least $1500 less then I would save if I shared a smaller place rather a 2 Bedroom Pl, but the privacy and living as I wish to live will be like heaven.
If there is such a thing.
Wow the fan really does make a lot of background noise. But it is definitely way too warm to not have the fans on tonight. I don’t need it down to 72 or even 75, I’m very comfortable at 80 even, most of the time I am very comfortable at 78°, most of the time. I will need to figure out where to put the washer and dryer though, which means I might have to pay for storage or have the washer dryer moved upstairs by movers for the time I am at the one bedroom place. Maybe. That means it they will take up space and I will have to pay to have them moved again. The second floor is the primary drawback keeping me from confirming the one bedroom. I wonder if my friend will go less than she originally said because of that. I can only hope.
The body is really tired, but I’m not that sleepy. Softball isn’t until 1 PM tomorrow so I don’t have to leave here until noon, so I don’t have to be awake too early. I am just too tired to do much of anything else right now so I’m laying here and voice writing. I didn’t unpack several boxes tonight. And I got all my laundry done except for the sheets last night. So there is much to do.
I’d like to fall asleep before the muscles get to achy because they are hungry. If I don’t eat tonight I should lose a pound or two after softball tomorrow and perhaps a little more gym. I’d like to be able to go get real food and do the gym tomorrow. We shall see how my willpower is and how my motivation is. It would be so much easier if I had an athletic partner or even a cheerleader. But I know I do it for me primarily and I don’t need anyone else. I just want to share so much that not sharing aches.
I listened to Janet Devlin as a couple of blog posts will point out. She is a child my child inside can enjoy as her words touched me and her music is fun. Moreover, her personality is open and honest as I’ve said elsewhere. While it could all be a show on the internet, I sense genuine vulnerability and sincerity in her words and causes. Ultimately though, I sense she is very confused and tied down by her religious upbringing and the closed minds that judge her (luck of the Irish, not). I know very few people who live their lives free of guilt nd shame, without empowering others fears or their own self-doubts, in fact I know of none. I just would love to find one. Anyway, Janet's music and video blogs kept me interested and amused so I thank her for that. I think she would be a good friend. Though it would likely be yet another adoption for me. You can ask what I mean by that if you don’t already know because it is very much part of the story of my life and the story of every relationship I’ve ever known. Adopted family is all the family I've ever had, as far as I know. Being an independent child right from the start leaves me with very few peers.
There are several internet personalities who I feel could be adopted family and possibly friends, but they are far away am busy with very busy lives. Uniquely, Janet response to comments very consistently, even to complete strangers. I left a few and she responded to one, the one on her most recent post. I can understand her not responding to comments on old posts but I left a few anyway. As I mentioned, you can find more about my journey through her YouTube in my blogs. I should visit more often.
I am rambling on now because I am not sleepy, yet I am tired physically. The muscles will demand food if I get up and do things and I really don’t want to put more calories in the body this late. It is after midnight after all. In fact it is 1:34 AM and while I am a bit wired, I’d like to get a full 8 to 9 hours sleep tonight. So I’d like to be fast to sleep in the next hour.
I’ll send this now as voice to text is being taxed to it’s limits.
Happy Birthday PJ...
Narf :)
Saturday, October 20, 2018
So Many Waiting
Words, that is. So many words are waiting in notepad files and on the phone as I've turned to voice to text to ramble on as I do my best to sit less, but that's another story. This next entry is called Journey Through the Internet in my commentarium and it needs some adjustments, but it provides something for this DDD blog as it reflects a few days of my time. Or was this all in one night? lol. In any case, there's enough dirt, drama, and detail (about me at least between the lines) in here to be appropriate for this blog.
Until it gets edited...
Wow, this started so long ago and I finally started posting years later and it has been years since... we can wonder why if you want to, but for the moment, since you are not asking (at the moment of this writing in case someone does not know how relative time is on the internet as I write and may edit and post at three separate times and you likely read at a a fourth time and, well, time is relative as it is, but even more so in blogs on the internet. Still the time date stamp may be accurate sometimes, which just adds to the relativity and amuses me as most things do eventually while I am writing... it's why I write, in case you wondered and didn't know, among other reasons, but I believe digression shall conclude now and whatever it is I came here to write might actually happen), we'll just continue with whatever I came here to write.
This girl (official site) inspired me to comment and want to remember my comments and since that is why I started this particular blog concept some million years ago (long before the internet, actually, when copy and paste was copy and punch holes, by hand, even), I came here (make sense, aye?). One of these days this may turn into the About This Blog page with less specifics about the origin of this particular return, but for now, let's go with the flow of this momentary inspiration and we may subtitle it Janet Through the Internet, just for the fun of the word play (and a touch of actual identification too).
Since this blog is about comments, most specifically comments I leave on the web that I want to remember or comments left for me that I want to remember, let's get to the comments I've left lately, most specifically, the comments that inspired me to want to come back here and remember them. Then, as I have no filter or sense of ending, I just may comment on the comments. Are you excited yet? lol lam. No worries, we can mock me together if we get bored or feel in any way awkward.*
OMG, an asterisk. Haven't seen one of those in a while. You will find a references to the asterisk at the bottom of this entry, in case you wondered. and a paragraph aside that is actually a parentheses starting with OMG, OMG! This is another ultra-rarity, in case your didn't know (new to my written gardens? Try to relax and be patient, it's a long strange trip that no one has ever taken with me and perhaps no one has ever fully explored and it has many potholes and broken links and can only be reached in part through the internet archive, but the writing (and babbling and rhyming) has been going on since I could first hold a crayon and so The Written Gardens as I pompously (but sincerely) call it all have been growing for decades and the written gardens online started when AOL was a baby and the blog world I loosely call mine and more can be found here, for now, in case it matters).
Returning here started with a culmination of feeling like I want to remember the comments inspired over the past few days by a recent child (you may know and if you didn't, now you will, that when I call someone a child, it is one of the highest compliments I can give and I'll explain another time if you are interested), as her performance style is unique and very appealing to me (earlier this year she made it to Random Pop News, waking that blog too) and her vulnerability on camera is genuinely believable to me (you know about my quest for honesty, right?... we all have our windmills, even if most bury them and pretend to forget) and every dozen or so songs touch me even deeper than the last one that inspired a comment, and this next one cut to the core and connected with the words in this blog as I was writing them. Coincidence is such a thrill, if you experience it without any fear (actually so is most of life). So this entry will be a series of comments left over the past few days starting with this one. The inspiration may be included as a link or embedded, as the muses see fit.
Yes, that is yet another OMG opening. OMG! Right? Laugh and the world laughs with you? Look, I haven't been to the gym yet today because I feel compelled to put this entry together so bear with me, illusionary obsession is a delicate balance. Everything is all in our heads, after all, and my imagination provides an infinite playground that sometimes spills out into words on the web and I do my best to express the limitless devotion of my caring with great care because there laws, ya know? (if you are not laughing, go away lol, or at least read on and more than this entry before you call the authorities cuz my primary philosophy in life is honesty without harm and I always do my best to actualize that in everything I do at every moment... sheesh, a disclaimer, how human lol lam).
Anyway, back to the video, comment, and commenting in general, my hope is the person receiving the comment understands. Especially that one as I sense some sort of kindred spirit who understands sharing is caring and if we did, it would be mutually beneficial, possibly amazing, and probably profound. So I start the potential interaction with comments on youtube because that is the way of the world these days, or at least one of them.
This next comment was left on Janet's Spotify, at least according to my cut and pasted notes.
Between that comment and this entry, I cut and pasted the following links into my notepad and I have no idea what they lead to. I wonder if finding out will add to or detract from the point of this entry (which seems to be multi-faceted at once recording comments left for an individual and explaining this blog and explaining something about myself and who knows... shall we see?).
After I finish listening/watching this aaaaaaand (think Yacko Warner) this.
....
As if a commercial interlude was needed, or perhaps proof that my imaginary obsessions are not singular and youtube knows that and offers next videos that they know I will enjoy (unlike CBS Online, but that is why CBS fails online where youtube thrives, and further digression will not occur, I think), I love her talent too.
Of course I could be wrong as I let a youtube playlist continue and mixed in with Janet this favorite pops up next followed by this classic (in my personal musical world), followed by another favorite, though others from the same show reach much closer to the core, and then, this variation of one of my core songs keeps me smiling and listening to the playlist they put together for me. The mood turns amused as irony follows which somehow leads me to reminisce and watch this and laugh. All that and I return to the serious blissful melancholy sound and hope of this Janet cover.
Sometimes I really have no idea why I become obsessed with someone I've never met. It happens with singers all the time. From Elton John and Barbara Streisand to Melanie and Melissa Etheridge to Billy Joel and Lori Carlson to Emma Blackery and Janet Devlin to Judy Garland and Andy Williams to Stevi Nicks and Michael Crawford to Linda Ronstadt and Dan Fogelberg to Brandi Carlisle and Jackson Brown to Justin Hayward and John Lodge to John Denver and so many others, zany I am. I used to respond to SPAM, remember? No just singers, though, right Sarah Silverman? Still some songs reach so deep into me. Did I neglect to mention Elvis? Or John Lennon, for that matter. Of course I am teasing, Harry Chapin tops them all.
So falling into Janet Devlin's rabbit hole this weekend, I let her originals and covers take me into myself and I sense she may experience songs as I used to, swallowed whole only to come back out after the song gleeful to have experienced it so completely, no matter the song. Songs are so amazing when you let them swallow you whole, especially as you gasp for breath while singing them. I have yet to see her lay into one without careful articulation and emotional control. Professionalism, and still, I wonder what more she can do behind those eyes.
All in all, it was a good choice to listen to Janet instead of watching TV. Maybe it is something about her apparently incorrigible positive attitude. I know that I love the vulnerabiity she exudes. I see it as honesty without harm (you may have heard that phrase before if you read me) and wonder how much of that is my perception and how much is accurately her. I sense an empathy in her that I relate to very deeply. Again, whether it is my imagination or really her is not known, but I enjoy it. In any case, these are the comments and the videos that inspired them which was the start of wanting to remember the comments (so I cut and pasted them into a notepad file) then, waking up, I remembered this blog and felt inspired to open it to put the comments here.
She doesn't only sing, she also vlogs and that inspired me to write...
Unscripted vlogging about personal matters that most keep secret shows the power of youtube, and while the reality of the fear and intolerance and the fact that she does not separate herself from the ingorance inspired a few words...
It was then that youtube offered fuel for sadness as I enjoyed all the unpolished realness of a small room live concert by Delores O'Riordan who's voice and songs have brought me much emo thought and fun and along those lines, Sinead O'Conner tears me up with this song every time (youtube seemed to be through an Irish wake for a while) and the small desk concert format continued to surprise me on this playlist with another and another old favorite and another and, well, what can say... youtube knows me :)
So wrapping up this ramble, wow.
*Like this, only amused by the relativity of it all...
Until it gets edited...
Wow, this started so long ago and I finally started posting years later and it has been years since... we can wonder why if you want to, but for the moment, since you are not asking (at the moment of this writing in case someone does not know how relative time is on the internet as I write and may edit and post at three separate times and you likely read at a a fourth time and, well, time is relative as it is, but even more so in blogs on the internet. Still the time date stamp may be accurate sometimes, which just adds to the relativity and amuses me as most things do eventually while I am writing... it's why I write, in case you wondered and didn't know, among other reasons, but I believe digression shall conclude now and whatever it is I came here to write might actually happen), we'll just continue with whatever I came here to write.
This girl (official site) inspired me to comment and want to remember my comments and since that is why I started this particular blog concept some million years ago (long before the internet, actually, when copy and paste was copy and punch holes, by hand, even), I came here (make sense, aye?). One of these days this may turn into the About This Blog page with less specifics about the origin of this particular return, but for now, let's go with the flow of this momentary inspiration and we may subtitle it Janet Through the Internet, just for the fun of the word play (and a touch of actual identification too).
Since this blog is about comments, most specifically comments I leave on the web that I want to remember or comments left for me that I want to remember, let's get to the comments I've left lately, most specifically, the comments that inspired me to want to come back here and remember them. Then, as I have no filter or sense of ending, I just may comment on the comments. Are you excited yet? lol lam. No worries, we can mock me together if we get bored or feel in any way awkward.*
OMG, an asterisk. Haven't seen one of those in a while. You will find a references to the asterisk at the bottom of this entry, in case you wondered. and a paragraph aside that is actually a parentheses starting with OMG, OMG! This is another ultra-rarity, in case your didn't know (new to my written gardens? Try to relax and be patient, it's a long strange trip that no one has ever taken with me and perhaps no one has ever fully explored and it has many potholes and broken links and can only be reached in part through the internet archive, but the writing (and babbling and rhyming) has been going on since I could first hold a crayon and so The Written Gardens as I pompously (but sincerely) call it all have been growing for decades and the written gardens online started when AOL was a baby and the blog world I loosely call mine and more can be found here, for now, in case it matters).
Returning here started with a culmination of feeling like I want to remember the comments inspired over the past few days by a recent child (you may know and if you didn't, now you will, that when I call someone a child, it is one of the highest compliments I can give and I'll explain another time if you are interested), as her performance style is unique and very appealing to me (earlier this year she made it to Random Pop News, waking that blog too) and her vulnerability on camera is genuinely believable to me (you know about my quest for honesty, right?... we all have our windmills, even if most bury them and pretend to forget) and every dozen or so songs touch me even deeper than the last one that inspired a comment, and this next one cut to the core and connected with the words in this blog as I was writing them. Coincidence is such a thrill, if you experience it without any fear (actually so is most of life). So this entry will be a series of comments left over the past few days starting with this one. The inspiration may be included as a link or embedded, as the muses see fit.
OMG... I've heard this so many times... was it just in my head? Such deep sadness and yet... If I could explain why I laugh a most peaceful genuine content laugh in a few words, I would, but suffice to say oh wow, thank you, and shared understanding is such a comforting experience, even on the internet. My lifetime euphoria is believing it all turns out amazing in the end, even if we'll never know, even if it doesn't matter, may you find some hope, peace, and euphoric joy in knowing and remembering that we only go down so that we can go up again :)
Yes, that is yet another OMG opening. OMG! Right? Laugh and the world laughs with you? Look, I haven't been to the gym yet today because I feel compelled to put this entry together so bear with me, illusionary obsession is a delicate balance. Everything is all in our heads, after all, and my imagination provides an infinite playground that sometimes spills out into words on the web and I do my best to express the limitless devotion of my caring with great care because there laws, ya know? (if you are not laughing, go away lol, or at least read on and more than this entry before you call the authorities cuz my primary philosophy in life is honesty without harm and I always do my best to actualize that in everything I do at every moment... sheesh, a disclaimer, how human lol lam).
Anyway, back to the video, comment, and commenting in general, my hope is the person receiving the comment understands. Especially that one as I sense some sort of kindred spirit who understands sharing is caring and if we did, it would be mutually beneficial, possibly amazing, and probably profound. So I start the potential interaction with comments on youtube because that is the way of the world these days, or at least one of them.
This next comment was left on Janet's Spotify, at least according to my cut and pasted notes.
Sometimes I think you are acting, as all singer-performers do (because nobody can "live" the words to every sing they sing). Sometimes I just want to hold you (emotionally) and heal you, believing your heart was broken for real so deeply. Silly as it may seem, I want to help. :)
That could simply be the empathy I feel listening to (or singing) emotional words. My hope is you never feel the pain of most of the words you sing, except during the song. My hope is also that you continue to express the sings the way you do. Thank you for Janetizing so many songs. You choose well and you bring new, unique, beautiful life to the words. Please continue.
Between that comment and this entry, I cut and pasted the following links into my notepad and I have no idea what they lead to. I wonder if finding out will add to or detract from the point of this entry (which seems to be multi-faceted at once recording comments left for an individual and explaining this blog and explaining something about myself and who knows... shall we see?).
After I finish listening/watching this aaaaaaand (think Yacko Warner) this.
....
As if a commercial interlude was needed, or perhaps proof that my imaginary obsessions are not singular and youtube knows that and offers next videos that they know I will enjoy (unlike CBS Online, but that is why CBS fails online where youtube thrives, and further digression will not occur, I think), I love her talent too.
Of course I could be wrong as I let a youtube playlist continue and mixed in with Janet this favorite pops up next followed by this classic (in my personal musical world), followed by another favorite, though others from the same show reach much closer to the core, and then, this variation of one of my core songs keeps me smiling and listening to the playlist they put together for me. The mood turns amused as irony follows which somehow leads me to reminisce and watch this and laugh. All that and I return to the serious blissful melancholy sound and hope of this Janet cover.
Sometimes I really have no idea why I become obsessed with someone I've never met. It happens with singers all the time. From Elton John and Barbara Streisand to Melanie and Melissa Etheridge to Billy Joel and Lori Carlson to Emma Blackery and Janet Devlin to Judy Garland and Andy Williams to Stevi Nicks and Michael Crawford to Linda Ronstadt and Dan Fogelberg to Brandi Carlisle and Jackson Brown to Justin Hayward and John Lodge to John Denver and so many others, zany I am. I used to respond to SPAM, remember? No just singers, though, right Sarah Silverman? Still some songs reach so deep into me. Did I neglect to mention Elvis? Or John Lennon, for that matter. Of course I am teasing, Harry Chapin tops them all.
So falling into Janet Devlin's rabbit hole this weekend, I let her originals and covers take me into myself and I sense she may experience songs as I used to, swallowed whole only to come back out after the song gleeful to have experienced it so completely, no matter the song. Songs are so amazing when you let them swallow you whole, especially as you gasp for breath while singing them. I have yet to see her lay into one without careful articulation and emotional control. Professionalism, and still, I wonder what more she can do behind those eyes.
All in all, it was a good choice to listen to Janet instead of watching TV. Maybe it is something about her apparently incorrigible positive attitude. I know that I love the vulnerabiity she exudes. I see it as honesty without harm (you may have heard that phrase before if you read me) and wonder how much of that is my perception and how much is accurately her. I sense an empathy in her that I relate to very deeply. Again, whether it is my imagination or really her is not known, but I enjoy it. In any case, these are the comments and the videos that inspired them which was the start of wanting to remember the comments (so I cut and pasted them into a notepad file) then, waking up, I remembered this blog and felt inspired to open it to put the comments here.
She doesn't only sing, she also vlogs and that inspired me to write...
I understand now more literally what I see that keeps me coming back. Empathy can seem like a burden, but I would not trade it for anything. It can be so challenging feeling the human condition and feeling the planet at this point in time, but I've tried numbing myself to my senses and awareness and that is a bad trip. So I write it. The words release the pain and set me free. You may now the daily cycle too. Celebrate your empathy and you may come to understand that the world may call it depression, but feeling it all is a blessing. I celebrate the pain, the sadness, the sensual visceral awareness of the state of the world because feeling it all is what life is about and somehow, in the end, I find myself simply amused, gleeful, euphoric.
If I am rationalizing, shhhh, it works for me ;)
Unscripted vlogging about personal matters that most keep secret shows the power of youtube, and while the reality of the fear and intolerance and the fact that she does not separate herself from the ingorance inspired a few words...
The limited definition of love and the fear of sexuality is one more sad aspect of humanity at this point in time. Dan Fogelberg's 'Part of the Plan' plays in my mind. May you learn to keep other people's fears and limits, no matter who they are, out of your head and accept yourself as you are in every way. Applause for your honesty. Hug for your vulnerability. Patience for . Love for your love.
It was then that youtube offered fuel for sadness as I enjoyed all the unpolished realness of a small room live concert by Delores O'Riordan who's voice and songs have brought me much emo thought and fun and along those lines, Sinead O'Conner tears me up with this song every time (youtube seemed to be through an Irish wake for a while) and the small desk concert format continued to surprise me on this playlist with another and another old favorite and another and, well, what can say... youtube knows me :)
So wrapping up this ramble, wow.
*Like this, only amused by the relativity of it all...
Wednesday, October 17, 2018
Lunch With People
I didn’t really over eat. I had some salad bar, though I did take potato salad, macaroni salad, bacon, and Cesar and blue cheese dressing. And then I had an egg plant parm sub but only ate half of it and it came with onion rings and only half of them. It’s still more calories than I usually have an any given day on days when I’m trying to rough week, but I feel amazingly voted hello tube Bluetooth hello Ted bloated. Oh that was a venture and adventure.
Huh?
The talk to text babble was an adventure. Question text (talk to text) obviously does not work as well in the car as it does require bedroom.
Half a sandwich and half an order of onion rings are sitting in a box next to me in the car and I have a little time before my Nephrologist appointment, so here I am talking to you. Yes you. You reading this. I am not just writing this for me, I am writing this for you. If you wonder why, why don’t you ask?
Since I doubt I’ll get a question, the answer is simply that I want to share with you and I care about you. I keep hoping that if I keep sharing here you might share wherever you are. At least a dozen people who I’ve known intimately qualify for that lesson. Many many more people qualify for that last sentence in a more general sense. I would like to know you better and I care about you and I would like to share. With you. So if you would like to share with someone who cares, here I am.
It could be that you have more than enough people who care about you who share what matters to you in your life and that’s great. There are still some of you who I’ve known in the past who I wish well and would love to hear an update on your life. And there are many others who I’m happy for if life is so full that you don’t have time to come here or pick up furniture. Pick up a phone and share. Not furniture. And there are billions of people and likely species I’d like to get to know, so here I am.
In case it matters, I am here to share my life too. What else is new.
Now that I feel bloated I reaffirm that the normal American diet or even the normal portions human beings eat as a meal is way beyond what is needed as a meal. It is my hope I remember this the next time I go out somewhere to eat.
The air command...
So here I sit in the air-conditioned car in a parking lot just a little bit away from where my appointment and I see a woman walking into South Beach tanning Company. Human beings are puzzling. Four $18.88 a month, which might be a limited time new member deal only, you can get unlimited tanning. What is puzzling is why someone would pay that money to walk out of a beautiful sunshine filled day to go indoors to get artificial sunshine at any cost. I suppose the selling point is some sort of health-related safer than the sun issue. I’d like to see the science behind that, but then again no. I don’t need to see the science behind that bit as tanning itself is vanity another puzzling human trait.
I see a Christmas tree of few police cars that surrounded vehicle they pulled over. I wonder what the driver might have done. Or what the driver might look like. Every time I see a car pulled over I wonder. I know personally that there are reasons police pull cars over that have less to do with safety and more to do with making money. I also know that some police officers enjoy the power of bullies that the badge gives them. That is very sad and I wish that would be better psychological performance tests not only pre-hire, but on-going for all performance authority officers. On the other hand, I also know personally some even tempered, professional, caring police offices. The real crime is that those who enjoy bullying and who are corrupt make it bad for everyone wearing the uniform.
For those of you offended by my opinion, feel free to share yours. If you can base your opinion on your personal experience with people you actually know in uniform, all the better. I work with, play ball with, and socialize with the people I think about when I give my opinion on this.
So what else while sitting in a parking lot bring to mind I wonder. How many children have called other children for space this week? How many rate victims have been marked publicly this week? How many killings brutal torture killings have been justified by financial gain this week?
Yeah right.
Narf too :)
Huh?
The talk to text babble was an adventure. Question text (talk to text) obviously does not work as well in the car as it does require bedroom.
Half a sandwich and half an order of onion rings are sitting in a box next to me in the car and I have a little time before my Nephrologist appointment, so here I am talking to you. Yes you. You reading this. I am not just writing this for me, I am writing this for you. If you wonder why, why don’t you ask?
Since I doubt I’ll get a question, the answer is simply that I want to share with you and I care about you. I keep hoping that if I keep sharing here you might share wherever you are. At least a dozen people who I’ve known intimately qualify for that lesson. Many many more people qualify for that last sentence in a more general sense. I would like to know you better and I care about you and I would like to share. With you. So if you would like to share with someone who cares, here I am.
It could be that you have more than enough people who care about you who share what matters to you in your life and that’s great. There are still some of you who I’ve known in the past who I wish well and would love to hear an update on your life. And there are many others who I’m happy for if life is so full that you don’t have time to come here or pick up furniture. Pick up a phone and share. Not furniture. And there are billions of people and likely species I’d like to get to know, so here I am.
In case it matters, I am here to share my life too. What else is new.
Now that I feel bloated I reaffirm that the normal American diet or even the normal portions human beings eat as a meal is way beyond what is needed as a meal. It is my hope I remember this the next time I go out somewhere to eat.
The air command...
So here I sit in the air-conditioned car in a parking lot just a little bit away from where my appointment and I see a woman walking into South Beach tanning Company. Human beings are puzzling. Four $18.88 a month, which might be a limited time new member deal only, you can get unlimited tanning. What is puzzling is why someone would pay that money to walk out of a beautiful sunshine filled day to go indoors to get artificial sunshine at any cost. I suppose the selling point is some sort of health-related safer than the sun issue. I’d like to see the science behind that, but then again no. I don’t need to see the science behind that bit as tanning itself is vanity another puzzling human trait.
I see a Christmas tree of few police cars that surrounded vehicle they pulled over. I wonder what the driver might have done. Or what the driver might look like. Every time I see a car pulled over I wonder. I know personally that there are reasons police pull cars over that have less to do with safety and more to do with making money. I also know that some police officers enjoy the power of bullies that the badge gives them. That is very sad and I wish that would be better psychological performance tests not only pre-hire, but on-going for all performance authority officers. On the other hand, I also know personally some even tempered, professional, caring police offices. The real crime is that those who enjoy bullying and who are corrupt make it bad for everyone wearing the uniform.
For those of you offended by my opinion, feel free to share yours. If you can base your opinion on your personal experience with people you actually know in uniform, all the better. I work with, play ball with, and socialize with the people I think about when I give my opinion on this.
So what else while sitting in a parking lot bring to mind I wonder. How many children have called other children for space this week? How many rate victims have been marked publicly this week? How many killings brutal torture killings have been justified by financial gain this week?
Yeah right.
Narf too :)
Tuesday, October 16, 2018
Sleepless
Here we are again, sleepy, but sleepless. I was falling asleep several times during the day today. I did a lot of driving around. Taking care of business. Some of it my business though I was also taking care of work business. I stopped at the storage place and found boxes had collapsed. Must’ve been a mighty crash. Broken glass and stuff all over the floor. Luckily nothing was disturbed by any creatures. No bugs no vermin. Unfortunately a lot of the boxes were bugged by vermin in the first few months before I removed the food boxes and exterminated. The place has a bit of a mouse poop odor so I will need to decide how to clean the boxes if I’m going to keep them. They are plastic bins that cost 5 to 7 dollars each. I really don’t want to toss them so I’ll find a way to clean them.
New place, warm day, wash the car and the boxes in the driveway... dreaming.
Anyway, I picked up the stuff re-stacked a bit, could’ve done better, hopefully it won’t fall again. I brought back here five or six boxes to sort through. I hope to throw out more stuff, but that’s not always easy for me.
Anyway, again, I lay down to play the game when I got back here because I thought I’d fall to sleep. But here it is five hours later and sleep did not come.
I was a bit woozy early in the day. I started work really early sent out emails went over to the drug test place where I run drug testing once a month, and standing for three hours was a little challenging. I felt better better after a poop. Still very fatigued. I think splitting open the hemorrhoid last night allowed bacteria to get into the bloodstream and the body has been fighting infection all day. The kidneys I think take the brunt of it. I started feeling like I did when I had to go to the emergency room with a kidney infection a while back, but the body seems to be fighting it off.
After the drug testing I headed back here and lay down for 45 minutes which helped. I actually slept. When I went to meet a surveyor to see some nails that were not taken out of the road by a traffic control contractor. After that I stopped at the storage place. Then I drove around a while, indecisive about where to go, so I went in circles. I dropped off the stuff from the storage here on one of the circles.
I drank two 100 cal protein shakes during the day and had five prunes which are about 100 cal and then just in the past hour another protein shake 160 more calories. That’s all I ate today because the digestive system was wonky. I am a little hungry but not a lot hungry.
Maybe this is the week I start going back towards 170. NWP
I downloaded a dozen apps. I haven’t explored them and I don’t know what some of them do but some are social type apps. We shall see if I actually signed up. I really do not like giving my personal information to the Internet. And I do not like putting much personal information on the phone. Call me paranoid, but I don’t trust people.
Probably why am so alone these days.
That’s why I downloaded the apps though. That’s why I am not asleep. Loneliness is such a sad affair.
Who gets that song reference?
I just want someone to love.
The talk to text seems to be cooperating better tonight. The fan is on so there’s a slight background noise. I am very tired so I am probably not articulating as well as I could. And still, I don’t see too many errors. Of course it could be that my eyes are blurry and I don’t see anything through clearly.
The thermostat was 86 most of the day today here. I’m not sure why he stopped keeping it at 81 or 82, but I am tired of asking or even talking. He’s pissing on the seat again. He just doesn’t bend over much. And the stool he uses when he poops stays in the way as if he’s the only one who lives here. But then he does everything as if he’s the only one who lives here. He really doesn’t know how to share. I’ve grown accustomed to it, but complacency is far from satisfaction and tolerance is far from comfort so I will be out of here by December-ish whether it is in a shared space with the potential new roommate or in the one bedroom. I am leaning strongly towards the one bedroom. If it was not on the second floor, I probably would not be looking anymore. If it was first floor and 600 or 650 I would definitely not be looking anymore. 700 is OK I guess, 750 is not where I wanted to go. In a shared space 1500 would get a really nice place.
Even 1400 would get a really nice place. If only I could find the right roommate who I could feel secure about their reliability to pay.
Finding someone to love would be even better.
What are you doing with yourself at this moment? I wonder.
Jackson emailed me a smiley face today. She doesn’t do words much. We both laugh about that, but I feel the sadness because the insecurity is not fun for either of us. It gets her in all sorts of confusing situations and undermines her relationships, but who is as it is. So I jumped for joy at the smiling face.
And she sent another :-) in response.
Tomorrow I have a couple of reports to put together with photos to download and attach and I need to get that done by 11 because there is a baby shower for one of the coworkers at a local restaurant. And after that I’m going to head to my doctors appointment and probably not head back to work after that. Unless something comes up. It’s the hematologist and hopefully my blood work is done and in his office by the time I get there. It was only a CBC, so it should be done. I hope to get a clean bill of health so to speak even though I know the body is deteriorating and things are going on inside that doctors have not figured out. Death comes to us all but hopefully it’s still a few decades away for me. Call me an optimist LOL.
The sleeplessness is undermining the weight loss, the exercise, and everything. I really must find a way to quell the loneliness. The distractions are not working lately.
And we come to the who cares portion of the night LOL. Just put on Billy Joel song honesty. Where are you?
Maybe I don’t want to find a lover anymore.
I don’t want any more games, I don’t want any more walls, I don’t want any more story, maybe that’s why no one calls, I don’t want anymore lies, the pretense is the fear, I just want someone who is not afraid to share how much they care.
Sloop John B. Hello mother hello father. There’s a few more somewhere floating in my mind. If someone understood that would be kind. I miss music. That may be one of the biggest reasons taking the place of the one bedroom by myself is the best thing I can do. Even though it’s going to cost more. And not have the amenities or cleanliness or comfort that I would like. It will certainly be in Normas Lee more comfortable and cleaner than here. In Normas sleet. Wow. Enormous. League. Enormous way.
Enormously. lol
Way to go talk to text.
Maybe she will be kind and generous and give it to me for free. OK or realistically maybe 650 will be enough for her. More likely 700. If only it wasn’t upstairs. It’s going to be so challenging to move all those boxes up those stairs. And if it’s just for year back down again. I suppose I could hire someone for a couple hundred bucks, two men and a truck. We shall see. I definitely look forward to sorting through all the stuff that’s in the boxes and hopefully finding a way to reduce the amount of stuff.
These are the thoughts but keep my mind from sleeping. These are the thoughts. Would you like to swing on the store?
I have no idea why talk to text backspace then re-wrote that last sentence changing the last word from star to store.
I only want to give all I can give them care as much as I can care. I am alive to love and be loved and that’s all I ever wanted from this lifeherb. Lifeherb? I don’t understand people. I don't understand talk to text either. But people, I can explain your behavior and rationalize, but it is insanity to me.
"It" being the way people live. Buried in fear by choice. Substituting delusions for reality. Creating obstacles to avoid honesty. So afraid of their own emotions that they are not there. Children needing other children and yet letting their grown-up pride Heidelberg need him so. Hide all the lead in sight... wow look up the song people. lol
Have you ever opened your heart without any hesitation, reservations, or restriction? Have you ever given yourself completely openly and honestly?
Have you ever open your mind to the infinite possibilities? Maybe I took cartoons too seriously LOL.
And fairy tales let’s not forget fairy tales.
Fairy tales can come true, it can happen to you, if you wanted to. If you want it to. You just have to do it.
People pretend they have no control over their emotions when they are the only one in there. In their minds. And the mind controls everything you do.
So afraid to feel they make feeling unreal. Play make feeling unreal the norm and real feelings are left for others to act out or sing about single about saying about sing sing sing a song.
Maybe it’s because I turned the phone in a different direction so that I could see the screen but then it was facing the fire the fan and that might’ve disturb
skews me
That was a burp followed by excuse me.
LOL
So, we are still here rambling on...
and suddenly it stopped.
Narf :)
New place, warm day, wash the car and the boxes in the driveway... dreaming.
Anyway, I picked up the stuff re-stacked a bit, could’ve done better, hopefully it won’t fall again. I brought back here five or six boxes to sort through. I hope to throw out more stuff, but that’s not always easy for me.
Anyway, again, I lay down to play the game when I got back here because I thought I’d fall to sleep. But here it is five hours later and sleep did not come.
I was a bit woozy early in the day. I started work really early sent out emails went over to the drug test place where I run drug testing once a month, and standing for three hours was a little challenging. I felt better better after a poop. Still very fatigued. I think splitting open the hemorrhoid last night allowed bacteria to get into the bloodstream and the body has been fighting infection all day. The kidneys I think take the brunt of it. I started feeling like I did when I had to go to the emergency room with a kidney infection a while back, but the body seems to be fighting it off.
After the drug testing I headed back here and lay down for 45 minutes which helped. I actually slept. When I went to meet a surveyor to see some nails that were not taken out of the road by a traffic control contractor. After that I stopped at the storage place. Then I drove around a while, indecisive about where to go, so I went in circles. I dropped off the stuff from the storage here on one of the circles.
I drank two 100 cal protein shakes during the day and had five prunes which are about 100 cal and then just in the past hour another protein shake 160 more calories. That’s all I ate today because the digestive system was wonky. I am a little hungry but not a lot hungry.
Maybe this is the week I start going back towards 170. NWP
I downloaded a dozen apps. I haven’t explored them and I don’t know what some of them do but some are social type apps. We shall see if I actually signed up. I really do not like giving my personal information to the Internet. And I do not like putting much personal information on the phone. Call me paranoid, but I don’t trust people.
Probably why am so alone these days.
That’s why I downloaded the apps though. That’s why I am not asleep. Loneliness is such a sad affair.
Who gets that song reference?
I just want someone to love.
The talk to text seems to be cooperating better tonight. The fan is on so there’s a slight background noise. I am very tired so I am probably not articulating as well as I could. And still, I don’t see too many errors. Of course it could be that my eyes are blurry and I don’t see anything through clearly.
The thermostat was 86 most of the day today here. I’m not sure why he stopped keeping it at 81 or 82, but I am tired of asking or even talking. He’s pissing on the seat again. He just doesn’t bend over much. And the stool he uses when he poops stays in the way as if he’s the only one who lives here. But then he does everything as if he’s the only one who lives here. He really doesn’t know how to share. I’ve grown accustomed to it, but complacency is far from satisfaction and tolerance is far from comfort so I will be out of here by December-ish whether it is in a shared space with the potential new roommate or in the one bedroom. I am leaning strongly towards the one bedroom. If it was not on the second floor, I probably would not be looking anymore. If it was first floor and 600 or 650 I would definitely not be looking anymore. 700 is OK I guess, 750 is not where I wanted to go. In a shared space 1500 would get a really nice place.
Even 1400 would get a really nice place. If only I could find the right roommate who I could feel secure about their reliability to pay.
Finding someone to love would be even better.
What are you doing with yourself at this moment? I wonder.
Jackson emailed me a smiley face today. She doesn’t do words much. We both laugh about that, but I feel the sadness because the insecurity is not fun for either of us. It gets her in all sorts of confusing situations and undermines her relationships, but who is as it is. So I jumped for joy at the smiling face.
And she sent another :-) in response.
Tomorrow I have a couple of reports to put together with photos to download and attach and I need to get that done by 11 because there is a baby shower for one of the coworkers at a local restaurant. And after that I’m going to head to my doctors appointment and probably not head back to work after that. Unless something comes up. It’s the hematologist and hopefully my blood work is done and in his office by the time I get there. It was only a CBC, so it should be done. I hope to get a clean bill of health so to speak even though I know the body is deteriorating and things are going on inside that doctors have not figured out. Death comes to us all but hopefully it’s still a few decades away for me. Call me an optimist LOL.
The sleeplessness is undermining the weight loss, the exercise, and everything. I really must find a way to quell the loneliness. The distractions are not working lately.
And we come to the who cares portion of the night LOL. Just put on Billy Joel song honesty. Where are you?
Maybe I don’t want to find a lover anymore.
I don’t want any more games, I don’t want any more walls, I don’t want any more story, maybe that’s why no one calls, I don’t want anymore lies, the pretense is the fear, I just want someone who is not afraid to share how much they care.
Sloop John B. Hello mother hello father. There’s a few more somewhere floating in my mind. If someone understood that would be kind. I miss music. That may be one of the biggest reasons taking the place of the one bedroom by myself is the best thing I can do. Even though it’s going to cost more. And not have the amenities or cleanliness or comfort that I would like. It will certainly be in Normas Lee more comfortable and cleaner than here. In Normas sleet. Wow. Enormous. League. Enormous way.
Enormously. lol
Way to go talk to text.
Maybe she will be kind and generous and give it to me for free. OK or realistically maybe 650 will be enough for her. More likely 700. If only it wasn’t upstairs. It’s going to be so challenging to move all those boxes up those stairs. And if it’s just for year back down again. I suppose I could hire someone for a couple hundred bucks, two men and a truck. We shall see. I definitely look forward to sorting through all the stuff that’s in the boxes and hopefully finding a way to reduce the amount of stuff.
These are the thoughts but keep my mind from sleeping. These are the thoughts. Would you like to swing on the store?
I have no idea why talk to text backspace then re-wrote that last sentence changing the last word from star to store.
I only want to give all I can give them care as much as I can care. I am alive to love and be loved and that’s all I ever wanted from this lifeherb. Lifeherb? I don’t understand people. I don't understand talk to text either. But people, I can explain your behavior and rationalize, but it is insanity to me.
"It" being the way people live. Buried in fear by choice. Substituting delusions for reality. Creating obstacles to avoid honesty. So afraid of their own emotions that they are not there. Children needing other children and yet letting their grown-up pride Heidelberg need him so. Hide all the lead in sight... wow look up the song people. lol
Have you ever opened your heart without any hesitation, reservations, or restriction? Have you ever given yourself completely openly and honestly?
Have you ever open your mind to the infinite possibilities? Maybe I took cartoons too seriously LOL.
And fairy tales let’s not forget fairy tales.
Fairy tales can come true, it can happen to you, if you wanted to. If you want it to. You just have to do it.
People pretend they have no control over their emotions when they are the only one in there. In their minds. And the mind controls everything you do.
So afraid to feel they make feeling unreal. Play make feeling unreal the norm and real feelings are left for others to act out or sing about single about saying about sing sing sing a song.
Maybe it’s because I turned the phone in a different direction so that I could see the screen but then it was facing the fire the fan and that might’ve disturb
skews me
That was a burp followed by excuse me.
LOL
So, we are still here rambling on...
and suddenly it stopped.
Narf :)
Monday, October 15, 2018
Horizontal
Well, it appears I will need a drastic change in how irate. Mmmmm, how I write. The past weekend I did sit up more and sure enough the effect was not good. I also slowed the medication because I know it’s not the best thing to do every day, so may be a combination of that combined with three full solid food meals lead to more pain today. I forgot it was bosses day at work and we went to a Mexican restaurant and I decided at the last moment not to eat salad. Stupid move. Yesterday I had a large bowl of spaghetti, canned, along with some Eb made (scary desperation, no doubt), and the day before was the lobster feast. Today was a little shredded beef inside the chili peppers, everything else was pasta and shellfish. Still there was enough substance and not enough medication and I forgot to maintain the perfect balance, so I learned just how fragile the system is.
So here I lay on my side (hence, the title) speaking to the phone. Hoping the voice to text will not frustrate me. It does seem to work better when it is 6 to 12 inches from my mouth, when I am awake and speaking clearly with conscious effort, and there is no background sound. In the car does not work as well, as the previous entry attests, especially when the air conditioner is blowing. Anyway here we are.
In case it matters.
So today I got some work done and I don’t exactly remember what. I suppose that’s a sign of pending boredom. Or maybe fatigue. There were some things that needed to be done and I did them before lunch. And then we went to lunch for bosses day. And then I got back to do orientation. And then I prepared the files for tomorrow morning. And I left about 20 minutes early. Although because I have to drive the work car over to the parking lot and switch to my car, it was really more like five or 10 minutes early. Typically I get to my desk anywhere from 30 to 10 minutes early which means I get to the work car anywhere from 45 to 20 minutes early. And when I leave it’s usually after five, sometimes after six, and I still need to bring the car over to the parking lot. So I seldom actually work less than a ten hour day. On the positive side I have a boss who gets that, so I can leave early or come in late or take long breaks during the day when I need to or just when I want to.
So tomorrow is driver test day and I will be up early sending out emails just after 6 AM and over at the testing location about 7:30 AM. After the testing is done I intend on walking through parks, weather permitting. A long lunch, although I have no intention of eating real food, and perhaps an early day. It will depend on whether the weather allows for outdoor activities and the driver reports that come in every Tuesday afternoon. I moved. I may need to go back to the office if there are a lot of driver reports that I have to follow up on.
The extreme loneliness that brought on all the hunger and sighing over the weekend is passing as usual. The constant drone of longing to share remains. In about 90 minutes I’ll head out to Softball. Maybe a little earlier than that. Again weather permitting.
Thermostat was set to 86 all day yesterday and overnight the past two nights, so it is uncomfortably humid and the mold is growing again as usual. The windows are open so the air-conditioner was working hard when I got back here yesterday and it was working hard when I got back here today. I am not sure why he thinks raising the thermostat and leaving the windows open will lower the electric bill so maybe he’s just looking to get some fresh air, but I really believe he keeps the thermostat at about over 82 to keep the electric bill down. Personally I’m comfortable most of the time between 78 and 80. My primary concern however is the unhealthy mold grows anywhere there is moisture combined with the unhealthy food and body fluids that are rarely cleaned up unless I do. Hopefully it won’t be much longer.
I talked about the stuff in storage in New York today and it really doesn’t make sense to keep paying 140 each month for all these years, but I hold onto the hope that I will figure out away to bring everything down without paying more storage fees down here... and then start selling the stuff to pay for all the storage costs and then start making some additional money. I do believe that can be done, I just need the motivation and the time and the money to bring it all down here and the money to pay for enough space to store it here. A partner would be the magic key. A three bedroom house with a two car garage would be ideal, even a two bedroom with a one car garage would work. So no matter what I do over the next two months, well by December 1, 2019, the goal is to find the house I can afford.
I am pausing to allow you to get a word in edge wise.
In case it matters.
I really do want to hear from you.
Narf :)
So here I lay on my side (hence, the title) speaking to the phone. Hoping the voice to text will not frustrate me. It does seem to work better when it is 6 to 12 inches from my mouth, when I am awake and speaking clearly with conscious effort, and there is no background sound. In the car does not work as well, as the previous entry attests, especially when the air conditioner is blowing. Anyway here we are.
In case it matters.
So today I got some work done and I don’t exactly remember what. I suppose that’s a sign of pending boredom. Or maybe fatigue. There were some things that needed to be done and I did them before lunch. And then we went to lunch for bosses day. And then I got back to do orientation. And then I prepared the files for tomorrow morning. And I left about 20 minutes early. Although because I have to drive the work car over to the parking lot and switch to my car, it was really more like five or 10 minutes early. Typically I get to my desk anywhere from 30 to 10 minutes early which means I get to the work car anywhere from 45 to 20 minutes early. And when I leave it’s usually after five, sometimes after six, and I still need to bring the car over to the parking lot. So I seldom actually work less than a ten hour day. On the positive side I have a boss who gets that, so I can leave early or come in late or take long breaks during the day when I need to or just when I want to.
So tomorrow is driver test day and I will be up early sending out emails just after 6 AM and over at the testing location about 7:30 AM. After the testing is done I intend on walking through parks, weather permitting. A long lunch, although I have no intention of eating real food, and perhaps an early day. It will depend on whether the weather allows for outdoor activities and the driver reports that come in every Tuesday afternoon. I moved. I may need to go back to the office if there are a lot of driver reports that I have to follow up on.
The extreme loneliness that brought on all the hunger and sighing over the weekend is passing as usual. The constant drone of longing to share remains. In about 90 minutes I’ll head out to Softball. Maybe a little earlier than that. Again weather permitting.
Thermostat was set to 86 all day yesterday and overnight the past two nights, so it is uncomfortably humid and the mold is growing again as usual. The windows are open so the air-conditioner was working hard when I got back here yesterday and it was working hard when I got back here today. I am not sure why he thinks raising the thermostat and leaving the windows open will lower the electric bill so maybe he’s just looking to get some fresh air, but I really believe he keeps the thermostat at about over 82 to keep the electric bill down. Personally I’m comfortable most of the time between 78 and 80. My primary concern however is the unhealthy mold grows anywhere there is moisture combined with the unhealthy food and body fluids that are rarely cleaned up unless I do. Hopefully it won’t be much longer.
I talked about the stuff in storage in New York today and it really doesn’t make sense to keep paying 140 each month for all these years, but I hold onto the hope that I will figure out away to bring everything down without paying more storage fees down here... and then start selling the stuff to pay for all the storage costs and then start making some additional money. I do believe that can be done, I just need the motivation and the time and the money to bring it all down here and the money to pay for enough space to store it here. A partner would be the magic key. A three bedroom house with a two car garage would be ideal, even a two bedroom with a one car garage would work. So no matter what I do over the next two months, well by December 1, 2019, the goal is to find the house I can afford.
I am pausing to allow you to get a word in edge wise.
In case it matters.
I really do want to hear from you.
Narf :)
Sunday, October 14, 2018
Why?
Sometimes I wonder why I bother to continue caring. Does it really matter to anyone? I don’t even know if that’s a question anymore. I continue to go out and do my part, I give everything I can, I still haven't found what I’m looking for. Honesty. Openness. Kindness. Generosity. Innocence.
Hi table. Hi table? I have no idea.
I give all that I have and they sent me why they stay away. I sense this year. Everyone is so afraid of anything insecurity condition., I experience it. Are usually don’t let it dominate my decision. I know. Maybe that’s the way to. Oh way. Way closer to me.
What the heck did talk to text take down?
I must valves signals energy near me if they are too afraid to be honest and open. The strange thing is, Most time with have very serious here and narrow perspective issues. I just can’t drink anything about it other than. Close by. I see no point in arguing with a close by.
I see no point in arguing with a closed mind.
Talk to text in the car is probably as bad as anywhere else. I wonder what the text looks like once I look at it. I may be wasting my time if I can’t figure out what the talk text Mike.
Frustration is high at this moment. I just got through playing two softball games. We surprisingly one the first in spite of many errors. The other team made enough hours for us to win. Second game we made even more errors and it was a blowout for the other team. My frustration is coming not so much from the errors though the errors are simply not paying attention not concentrating on not caring about what they do with the ball. Simple small ground balls should not be today shirts or worse. But not bending over not reaching for the ball my clothes and gloves and then if they do get the ball not taking a moment to throw it with a shirt but rather cavalierly and in all directions giving the other team need more chance of running around the bases. That frustrates me. But what frustrates me more is that they do not listen to coaching.
Barber
Call bounces out of gloves. I say wait to get to it but let’s try to use two hands next time. Next time same player slabs at the ball with the glove and a ball bounces out again. I say you’re getting to it that’s good, but remember to use the second I am sure the ball doesn’t bounce out of the book. Next time slap a ball no second hand while bounces out above play or get angry throws the glove or snapped back at me. I say nothing. A little later I walk over and say hey don’t get mad at yourself just think about what you’re doing and try to remember to use both hands were catching the ball. No response at all. Not even I contact. That continued the entire afternoon but I stop talking.
I suppose I’m just not cut out to be a coach. Five cent think I have the personality. My preference is to focus on my job. When I can have a coach coaches a team and lets me sit and concentrate on the other teams batters so I know how to pitch to them well, I do better. And I guess I do better. And I definitely do not have patience for people who do not care and do not want to learn how to play. Laziness does not belong on the ball field. Can get someone Sirius Lee her. Heart. Search. Search. HURT search search search search search search
Hurts.
Talk to Tess and just not helping. I don’t need more frustration. I say hurt it says her. I say hurt it says heart. I say hurt it says search. Hurt
And I get back to the house and find AB sitting there in his underwear 2 feet in front of me 42 inch TV playing his video game as usual. He seems to be very addicted to it as he plays it every waking moment and doesn’t go out anymore. He made
He may be depressed since this started after he lost the election running for city commissioner. He does not seem to have much social life. He does not like to spend money. He plans on retiring when he’s 50. As large as he is in the way he eats and doesn’t exercise hopefully he makes it to 52. I am resisting the influence of his eating habits since I have very similar eating habits and could easily be as large as he is six if I did not have willpower and exercise it. It is very challenging at times especially when I am lonely and feeling sad about not having anyone in my life who cares about me on a daily basis. I don’t know what I can do to help them. I may be too vulnerable to get too close because of the similar eating habits especially. He eats pasta very frequently I have resisted pasta for months now although he cooks it here every week. He also cook steak and off a lot and mashed potatoes and while I don’t eat meat too often I still crave good steak and potatoes but even more especially hamburgers and hotdogs so the meat smell it’s also challenging. Still he’s a very nice guy and I wish you would take better care of himself and find a way to be healthier. As far as the constant video game playing, if that’s what he wants to do and it makes him happy then I have no problem with it and nor should I. It’s his house his living room his TV his life. I just feel sad when I see someone who is doing such an unhealthy job of living.
So I go play ball sadly because I start with Hope and enthusiasm and after a few innings I feel a little frustrated because you were saying mistakes are being made over and over in spite of my friendly positive coaching and then another game comes in the same mistakes are made over and over by the same people who are just simply ignoring me and showing they really don’t care and don’t want to do well. I don’t know why they’re out there. But anyway I leave frustrated with Softball also because the league is falling apart and mirrors no organization to bring any sort of camaraderie together. New paragraph
When I drive back here and on the way I reach out to people and they don’t ask how I’m doing even when they answer him seldom do I get much response but then again seldom do I reach out so it’s not fair to say I don’t get much response. It is fair to say they don’t ask anything about me. I don’t know why people don’t openly care about each other as much as they used to. But I have my group of people my friends close rooms family and I take care of them when they call me I need something and they do regularly. Still it makes me sad to feel so alone and have no one checking in on how I’m doing. And I get back here hungry and I find them sitting in front of the TV as I said and I am even hungrier but I resist the emotional hunger and I had to the gym.
I turn on the TV to watch some sports and I see an overtime game with the team I want to win making a good play getting the ball back and then missing a field goal and that team loses. When the next game between my want to win falls apart in the first half and I don’t even want to watch anymore. So football offers no positive distraction and in fact offers more first ration. Frustration. Still I did an hour on the elliptical machine at 5.85 mph and then did a little work with 10 pound weights just to loosen up my upper body. I really need to do more upper body work because I lost More muscle than I am tended to lose when I lost 50 pounds. I’m still hovering at 180 pounds which is very good in the sense that I am maintaining the weight loss and that can be as hard as losing weight. I still want to drop 10 more pounds so I really must redouble my efforts in that direction which one of these days. The gym is a major part of the next 10 pounds. Because if I lose the 10 pounds without working out I will still have more to lose and be much weaker.
I leave the gym feeling sad that I have no one to share the positive actions I am taking although I do text Jackson and she gives me a thumbs up on my text. I tried calling Harbor but her paw her poco Harpo and he’s not available but them he cares in a very selfish way unfortunately meaning very very well but that’s just him. He would rather tell someone what to do because he really needs to be in control rather than listening to someone. wonderful well intended heart. I don’t really feel like calling anyone else. Harpo at least provides distraction with some fun nonsense word games but there’s no one really listens and shares.
This is the life I live today. So I leave the gym and come back here and find AB sleeping as usual his afternoon to evening nap is a daily event. I would like to raise my energy level but in this environment it is almost no it is the antithesis of a healthy Energy level. So I turn on the TV and there is that game where the damn I’d like to see when is getting creamed. Are you some fat free cottage cheese which then brings my calorie count for today to her about 500 maybe 550. I am still hungry, naturally, but I must decide whether I want to start that 10 pound loss this week or whether I want to balance the emotional need for food with the body need for food. If I could cook something I would probably hurt myself a very lean cheeseburger with fat-free bread and fat free cheese. Or something similar. Unfortunately I don’t work in this space for Several reasons that I’ve discussed in previous blogs.
The title may be asking why I posted this.
Without editing.
Narf :)
Hi table. Hi table? I have no idea.
I give all that I have and they sent me why they stay away. I sense this year. Everyone is so afraid of anything insecurity condition., I experience it. Are usually don’t let it dominate my decision. I know. Maybe that’s the way to. Oh way. Way closer to me.
What the heck did talk to text take down?
I must valves signals energy near me if they are too afraid to be honest and open. The strange thing is, Most time with have very serious here and narrow perspective issues. I just can’t drink anything about it other than. Close by. I see no point in arguing with a close by.
I see no point in arguing with a closed mind.
Talk to text in the car is probably as bad as anywhere else. I wonder what the text looks like once I look at it. I may be wasting my time if I can’t figure out what the talk text Mike.
Frustration is high at this moment. I just got through playing two softball games. We surprisingly one the first in spite of many errors. The other team made enough hours for us to win. Second game we made even more errors and it was a blowout for the other team. My frustration is coming not so much from the errors though the errors are simply not paying attention not concentrating on not caring about what they do with the ball. Simple small ground balls should not be today shirts or worse. But not bending over not reaching for the ball my clothes and gloves and then if they do get the ball not taking a moment to throw it with a shirt but rather cavalierly and in all directions giving the other team need more chance of running around the bases. That frustrates me. But what frustrates me more is that they do not listen to coaching.
Barber
Call bounces out of gloves. I say wait to get to it but let’s try to use two hands next time. Next time same player slabs at the ball with the glove and a ball bounces out again. I say you’re getting to it that’s good, but remember to use the second I am sure the ball doesn’t bounce out of the book. Next time slap a ball no second hand while bounces out above play or get angry throws the glove or snapped back at me. I say nothing. A little later I walk over and say hey don’t get mad at yourself just think about what you’re doing and try to remember to use both hands were catching the ball. No response at all. Not even I contact. That continued the entire afternoon but I stop talking.
I suppose I’m just not cut out to be a coach. Five cent think I have the personality. My preference is to focus on my job. When I can have a coach coaches a team and lets me sit and concentrate on the other teams batters so I know how to pitch to them well, I do better. And I guess I do better. And I definitely do not have patience for people who do not care and do not want to learn how to play. Laziness does not belong on the ball field. Can get someone Sirius Lee her. Heart. Search. Search. HURT search search search search search search
Hurts.
Talk to Tess and just not helping. I don’t need more frustration. I say hurt it says her. I say hurt it says heart. I say hurt it says search. Hurt
And I get back to the house and find AB sitting there in his underwear 2 feet in front of me 42 inch TV playing his video game as usual. He seems to be very addicted to it as he plays it every waking moment and doesn’t go out anymore. He made
He may be depressed since this started after he lost the election running for city commissioner. He does not seem to have much social life. He does not like to spend money. He plans on retiring when he’s 50. As large as he is in the way he eats and doesn’t exercise hopefully he makes it to 52. I am resisting the influence of his eating habits since I have very similar eating habits and could easily be as large as he is six if I did not have willpower and exercise it. It is very challenging at times especially when I am lonely and feeling sad about not having anyone in my life who cares about me on a daily basis. I don’t know what I can do to help them. I may be too vulnerable to get too close because of the similar eating habits especially. He eats pasta very frequently I have resisted pasta for months now although he cooks it here every week. He also cook steak and off a lot and mashed potatoes and while I don’t eat meat too often I still crave good steak and potatoes but even more especially hamburgers and hotdogs so the meat smell it’s also challenging. Still he’s a very nice guy and I wish you would take better care of himself and find a way to be healthier. As far as the constant video game playing, if that’s what he wants to do and it makes him happy then I have no problem with it and nor should I. It’s his house his living room his TV his life. I just feel sad when I see someone who is doing such an unhealthy job of living.
So I go play ball sadly because I start with Hope and enthusiasm and after a few innings I feel a little frustrated because you were saying mistakes are being made over and over in spite of my friendly positive coaching and then another game comes in the same mistakes are made over and over by the same people who are just simply ignoring me and showing they really don’t care and don’t want to do well. I don’t know why they’re out there. But anyway I leave frustrated with Softball also because the league is falling apart and mirrors no organization to bring any sort of camaraderie together. New paragraph
When I drive back here and on the way I reach out to people and they don’t ask how I’m doing even when they answer him seldom do I get much response but then again seldom do I reach out so it’s not fair to say I don’t get much response. It is fair to say they don’t ask anything about me. I don’t know why people don’t openly care about each other as much as they used to. But I have my group of people my friends close rooms family and I take care of them when they call me I need something and they do regularly. Still it makes me sad to feel so alone and have no one checking in on how I’m doing. And I get back here hungry and I find them sitting in front of the TV as I said and I am even hungrier but I resist the emotional hunger and I had to the gym.
I turn on the TV to watch some sports and I see an overtime game with the team I want to win making a good play getting the ball back and then missing a field goal and that team loses. When the next game between my want to win falls apart in the first half and I don’t even want to watch anymore. So football offers no positive distraction and in fact offers more first ration. Frustration. Still I did an hour on the elliptical machine at 5.85 mph and then did a little work with 10 pound weights just to loosen up my upper body. I really need to do more upper body work because I lost More muscle than I am tended to lose when I lost 50 pounds. I’m still hovering at 180 pounds which is very good in the sense that I am maintaining the weight loss and that can be as hard as losing weight. I still want to drop 10 more pounds so I really must redouble my efforts in that direction which one of these days. The gym is a major part of the next 10 pounds. Because if I lose the 10 pounds without working out I will still have more to lose and be much weaker.
I leave the gym feeling sad that I have no one to share the positive actions I am taking although I do text Jackson and she gives me a thumbs up on my text. I tried calling Harbor but her paw her poco Harpo and he’s not available but them he cares in a very selfish way unfortunately meaning very very well but that’s just him. He would rather tell someone what to do because he really needs to be in control rather than listening to someone. wonderful well intended heart. I don’t really feel like calling anyone else. Harpo at least provides distraction with some fun nonsense word games but there’s no one really listens and shares.
This is the life I live today. So I leave the gym and come back here and find AB sleeping as usual his afternoon to evening nap is a daily event. I would like to raise my energy level but in this environment it is almost no it is the antithesis of a healthy Energy level. So I turn on the TV and there is that game where the damn I’d like to see when is getting creamed. Are you some fat free cottage cheese which then brings my calorie count for today to her about 500 maybe 550. I am still hungry, naturally, but I must decide whether I want to start that 10 pound loss this week or whether I want to balance the emotional need for food with the body need for food. If I could cook something I would probably hurt myself a very lean cheeseburger with fat-free bread and fat free cheese. Or something similar. Unfortunately I don’t work in this space for Several reasons that I’ve discussed in previous blogs.
The title may be asking why I posted this.
Without editing.
Narf :)
Friday, October 12, 2018
Avoiding
OK then, so I actually avoided coming here tonight. Or wherever I am. Avoiding writing is definitely not good for me. Challenges though. The air mattress has sprung a week. So there I am laying here for an hour trying to ignore it. Sinking. Sunk in. Expect to be flat on the floor by morning. Just what I needed when I’m trying to economize.
This morning Jackson called crying. Her family's electric was being turned off today if they didn’t pay something like $330. So I paid it. All the more reason not to want to spend money on a new air mattress. But I buy my family, that’s the way life is for me, so why should I stop now. It feels good to give.
I need to decide between spending a little more to have privacy or gambling on a roommate who may or may not pay his share. I can get a place, one bedroom small bit shabby, in a OK, but not great area. No amenities second floor I am definitely not thrilled about the place. But on the other hand it would be my place, private, at least as long as I pay the rent. Private bath. Wow. Matt bath, not Matt, wow. I have little patience for stupid voice to text stupidity.
Where was I?
Pausing, thinking maybe, looking for where in the hell I was.
OK, so deciding on a place. $750 a month, perhaps, unless I can talk her into Wes. Why is this thing fixated with names today,.?!
Unless I can talk her into less.
It’s like talking to an idiot. Not the person I am going to rent from if I take the one bedroom, but this stupid talk to text crap. No wonder I am avoiding.
No patience tonight.
The other alternative, might cost me $600 a month for rent. The difference would pay for utilities. At $750 a month rent it would be well over $900 including utilities and not shared. Unfortunately the potential roommate does not make enough money to pay more than 700 a month. That’s total including all. He only earns less than $1400 a month take-home. There isn’t any real decent place that’s going to be less than $1500 a month if we include utilities. And more likely it will be 16 to $1700 a month.
So the decision is that that that.
I am strongly leaning toward a one bedroom on my own. That means staying here until December 1. That means either finding the hole and patching this in a mattress or buying a new air mattress or something to sleep on. Less savings. Life just loves to throw me curveballs.
Savings is lower than it’s been since I started saving again a year and a half ago. Various expenses, some for me, some for others, have left me going downhill financially again and this bed is definitely annoying. I don’t think I’m going to be able to sleep tonight. The tinnitus has been wired recently allowed recently allowed recently with crap
The tinnitus has been loud recently I don’t believe this
The tinnitus has been loud recently.
That would make finding the hole in this era mattress all the more difficult. Once again
This voice to text sucks.
Just when I’m starting to find my thoughts and get on a roll, it stops and I have to press the microphone button again. I suppose that’s a memory of limitation or something like that. I don’t know where of came from.
With every mistake I stop lose my train of thought and start again.
This air mattress is sinking way too fast dammit.
If I didn’t have to work tomorrow I suppose I’d be laughing a little. I would definitely be out buying a new air mattress. I may do that anyway. So I won’t sleep tonight, tomorrow is Friday, and if I fall asleep at my desk or get fired Amanda Palmer Street, at least I have a new air mattress. Who the fuck is Amanda Palmer?
It seems my writing these days is more about voice to text when about anything else.
So the best feeling I had today was helping Roxanne. Jackson. This thing really is fixated with names today. I don’t know why, it’s never been inserting peoples names before. Perhaps they should be paranoid and consider that the phone and everything else in life is hacked and controlled by some power outside of me. That would completely suck. I mean, what’s the point of life if someone else is living it for you. Reliving it through you. That’s probably why I don’t bye too much of the usual stuff. Buy in to the usual stuff. So what now?
I keep starting new paragraphs, and this stupid new text talk to text crap keeps eliminating the lines.
That’s why am not posting much in blogs these days, because I don’t want to spend time editing all this crap. I just want to be able to talk and have what I say recorded accurately and then I can just simply push a button and post it. As it is though, I cannot trust this voice to text technology to type out what I am actually saying. So I’m not posting. So I feel more alone than ever.
Like anybody really gives a damn.
I mean, in case it really matters to whom?
I wish that was just cynicism, but reality is what reality is and nobody comments, nobody acknowledges that I exist out here on the Internet, so why bother?
Wow, excuses and stupid thinking and blaming technology, thanks talk to text. lol.
When the other side of the coin flips over and reminds me that my friend from way over on the other side of the world recently reached out in another blog that I started just for a few close friends online. The blog family, anybody remember? She does. We are motley crew of misfits. Perhaps we should in more of them it appears, I certainly pass for reasonably normal in order to keep a job and maintaining some social interactions. But inside I don’t feed him at all anywhere.
I don’t fit in at all.
I guess somebody’s hungry. Speaking of hungry, I’ve been eating a little more than I was during the extreme...
Well, that ended suddenly and I have no idea wy. Did I fall asleep? Did Talk-to-text do it? Did the phone battery die? Did aliens steal the words? Does it matter?
Narf :)
This morning Jackson called crying. Her family's electric was being turned off today if they didn’t pay something like $330. So I paid it. All the more reason not to want to spend money on a new air mattress. But I buy my family, that’s the way life is for me, so why should I stop now. It feels good to give.
I need to decide between spending a little more to have privacy or gambling on a roommate who may or may not pay his share. I can get a place, one bedroom small bit shabby, in a OK, but not great area. No amenities second floor I am definitely not thrilled about the place. But on the other hand it would be my place, private, at least as long as I pay the rent. Private bath. Wow. Matt bath, not Matt, wow. I have little patience for stupid voice to text stupidity.
Where was I?
Pausing, thinking maybe, looking for where in the hell I was.
OK, so deciding on a place. $750 a month, perhaps, unless I can talk her into Wes. Why is this thing fixated with names today,.?!
Unless I can talk her into less.
It’s like talking to an idiot. Not the person I am going to rent from if I take the one bedroom, but this stupid talk to text crap. No wonder I am avoiding.
No patience tonight.
The other alternative, might cost me $600 a month for rent. The difference would pay for utilities. At $750 a month rent it would be well over $900 including utilities and not shared. Unfortunately the potential roommate does not make enough money to pay more than 700 a month. That’s total including all. He only earns less than $1400 a month take-home. There isn’t any real decent place that’s going to be less than $1500 a month if we include utilities. And more likely it will be 16 to $1700 a month.
So the decision is that that that.
I am strongly leaning toward a one bedroom on my own. That means staying here until December 1. That means either finding the hole and patching this in a mattress or buying a new air mattress or something to sleep on. Less savings. Life just loves to throw me curveballs.
Savings is lower than it’s been since I started saving again a year and a half ago. Various expenses, some for me, some for others, have left me going downhill financially again and this bed is definitely annoying. I don’t think I’m going to be able to sleep tonight. The tinnitus has been wired recently allowed recently allowed recently with crap
The tinnitus has been loud recently I don’t believe this
The tinnitus has been loud recently.
That would make finding the hole in this era mattress all the more difficult. Once again
This voice to text sucks.
Just when I’m starting to find my thoughts and get on a roll, it stops and I have to press the microphone button again. I suppose that’s a memory of limitation or something like that. I don’t know where of came from.
With every mistake I stop lose my train of thought and start again.
This air mattress is sinking way too fast dammit.
If I didn’t have to work tomorrow I suppose I’d be laughing a little. I would definitely be out buying a new air mattress. I may do that anyway. So I won’t sleep tonight, tomorrow is Friday, and if I fall asleep at my desk or get fired Amanda Palmer Street, at least I have a new air mattress. Who the fuck is Amanda Palmer?
It seems my writing these days is more about voice to text when about anything else.
So the best feeling I had today was helping Roxanne. Jackson. This thing really is fixated with names today. I don’t know why, it’s never been inserting peoples names before. Perhaps they should be paranoid and consider that the phone and everything else in life is hacked and controlled by some power outside of me. That would completely suck. I mean, what’s the point of life if someone else is living it for you. Reliving it through you. That’s probably why I don’t bye too much of the usual stuff. Buy in to the usual stuff. So what now?
I keep starting new paragraphs, and this stupid new text talk to text crap keeps eliminating the lines.
That’s why am not posting much in blogs these days, because I don’t want to spend time editing all this crap. I just want to be able to talk and have what I say recorded accurately and then I can just simply push a button and post it. As it is though, I cannot trust this voice to text technology to type out what I am actually saying. So I’m not posting. So I feel more alone than ever.
Like anybody really gives a damn.
I mean, in case it really matters to whom?
I wish that was just cynicism, but reality is what reality is and nobody comments, nobody acknowledges that I exist out here on the Internet, so why bother?
Wow, excuses and stupid thinking and blaming technology, thanks talk to text. lol.
When the other side of the coin flips over and reminds me that my friend from way over on the other side of the world recently reached out in another blog that I started just for a few close friends online. The blog family, anybody remember? She does. We are motley crew of misfits. Perhaps we should in more of them it appears, I certainly pass for reasonably normal in order to keep a job and maintaining some social interactions. But inside I don’t feed him at all anywhere.
I don’t fit in at all.
I guess somebody’s hungry. Speaking of hungry, I’ve been eating a little more than I was during the extreme...
Well, that ended suddenly and I have no idea wy. Did I fall asleep? Did Talk-to-text do it? Did the phone battery die? Did aliens steal the words? Does it matter?
Narf :)
Tuesday, October 9, 2018
Yeah, So?
Yeah, so I still want to believe you are out there and that is what brings me back here tonight. You could be anyway, in case you wondered who you are. You could be an old friend or lover who stumbled across this blog suddenly or maybe who stays connected in your mind by reading now and then (I mean, if you are obsessed and stalking, you really ought to let me know so I can enjoy the torture too, right?) or you might be someone I've never met in life who just wants to feel less alone and somehow reading my constant babbling helps you do that. You could be someone else. That's likely, but then, you could also be me. Simultaneously? That would be a neat trick, but then, I wouldn't be lonely then, would I?
Getting metaphysically confused yet?
All I ever wanted was the one, remember? And I've had to be my the one for me for so long that I may never find anyone who cares to take the time to know me as well as I do. Still, here I am, reaching out again in my way, hoping for response, for attention, for love. To love and be loved, that's how it all began and it seems inevitable that it will end in the same refrain. To love and be loved is why I am here.
I really should be sleeping.
A little moth has been living in this space for a while. Maybe it has been in the closet and cleaning the closet disturbed it's little world. Maybe it has a family in there. I haven't killed it yet. I am a murdered, after all. I am, have you never killed anything? Taken a life? Do you look into the eyes of the fish or other living beings you eat? I do. Sometimes I say thank you. I don't particularly want to be a murderer, but I want to continue living and something got to die so I can live. Feelings get hurt sometimes.
So I went to Facebook and left a few comments. Nothing profound, just a touch of wisdom and/or folly, depending on perspective. Less than 4 hours sleep if I fall asleep now. Thirsty. Will no one stay awake with me? Craving interaction, that much, I am, that I am even willing to risk the fire and brimstone that Facebook has become.
Getting metaphysically confused yet?
All I ever wanted was the one, remember? And I've had to be my the one for me for so long that I may never find anyone who cares to take the time to know me as well as I do. Still, here I am, reaching out again in my way, hoping for response, for attention, for love. To love and be loved, that's how it all began and it seems inevitable that it will end in the same refrain. To love and be loved is why I am here.
I really should be sleeping.
A little moth has been living in this space for a while. Maybe it has been in the closet and cleaning the closet disturbed it's little world. Maybe it has a family in there. I haven't killed it yet. I am a murdered, after all. I am, have you never killed anything? Taken a life? Do you look into the eyes of the fish or other living beings you eat? I do. Sometimes I say thank you. I don't particularly want to be a murderer, but I want to continue living and something got to die so I can live. Feelings get hurt sometimes.
So I went to Facebook and left a few comments. Nothing profound, just a touch of wisdom and/or folly, depending on perspective. Less than 4 hours sleep if I fall asleep now. Thirsty. Will no one stay awake with me? Craving interaction, that much, I am, that I am even willing to risk the fire and brimstone that Facebook has become.
Sunday, October 7, 2018
Blur
As I scan through the notepad files I find so many words and wonder sometimes if I already uploaded the words somewhere, but here we are anyway even if it's a repeat because when nobody reads, nobody reads it twice, right? Except for you guys who find these inserted entries cuz you love me and just can't get enough, I know.
So tired, I can barely move. No less find humor. Apologies for the fatigue. And yet I want to reach out. I want to hold someone’s hand. I want to hug someone. I want to hello. Yes hello. Talk to text.
Another part of this talk to text thing is that it just keeps turning off over and over I can barely get a few lines out and it’s turning itself off. Most likely that has to do with memory. But it could be just limitations of the software. It’s just frustrating to have to stop for a space and press for your little microphone once again every few arms. Arms? Lines?
And then it doesn’t space after that pause. So it’s as if I never was doing it before the pause. Then it capitalizes the next word even when it was just part of the last sentence, but it doesn’t seem to have enough memory to remember the last sentence.
And it interrupts me so much, I forget why I came.
Sometimes.
Wish I had someone to hold me, someone to fold me into their arms. I wish I had someone to tell me what they are thinking, what if they are feeling, and show me all their charms. I can write songs about loneliness all night. What good are the words if no one reads the words I wrote. I wish I had someone to love me with all of their heart. That’s when the wishing would end and life would start.
I wish I had someone to talk and listen to every thing on my mind. I wish I had someone to reminisce with, who could be gentle and kind. Every moment I'm breathing, I am missing one person to share this life. So much I am seeing, so much I am feeling, but nothing to rhyme with my life. No one to rhyme with my life. I wish I had someone who cared about me so I can feel less alone. That is when all the wandering and searching would end and I would be home.
I just want someone wants me to love them, and someone who wants to love me. I asked for nothing but the simple pleasures that trust brings to reality. But it seems I ask for too much every time, all I ask for is honesty. Who is not afraid to share everything with me?
So another day. Another big meeting. It went OK but it could’ve gone better. I could’ve been better prepared, and motivation, and clearer, less tired, less blur. I left work a little early, but then I am answering emails on the phone here now so I didn’t actually stop working or have time for myself. What did I eat? I had two yogurts, two or three protein drinks, about 200 cal worth of fat free turkey, you some cottage cheese, and I think that’s it. Not giving in to the fatigue hunger, not giving in to the loneliness hunger, doing my best.
I remember a time when I weighed myself out in words. Weighed myself out in words. Laid yes.
Talk to text, sheesh.
Actually I have not weighed myself in a couple days.
But I do remember a time when I am laid myself out in words, exposing everything, beaming hope that someone would care would override any fear. Left-wing. Left King. What nonsense. Letting myself hope.
All in all, I think it is all rather pathetic. This life of long. Long anger. Long younger. Longing. Wow that took a while. Really interesting changes what is it doing, writing for me?
You move you can I’m feeling down. What?
Does anyone take everything seriously? How about you? How about me? Does anyone want to take this seriously? I’m hoping.
I’m going to try closing my eyes now and seeing what happens.
Narf :)
So tired, I can barely move. No less find humor. Apologies for the fatigue. And yet I want to reach out. I want to hold someone’s hand. I want to hug someone. I want to hello. Yes hello. Talk to text.
Another part of this talk to text thing is that it just keeps turning off over and over I can barely get a few lines out and it’s turning itself off. Most likely that has to do with memory. But it could be just limitations of the software. It’s just frustrating to have to stop for a space and press for your little microphone once again every few arms. Arms? Lines?
And then it doesn’t space after that pause. So it’s as if I never was doing it before the pause. Then it capitalizes the next word even when it was just part of the last sentence, but it doesn’t seem to have enough memory to remember the last sentence.
And it interrupts me so much, I forget why I came.
Sometimes.
Wish I had someone to hold me, someone to fold me into their arms. I wish I had someone to tell me what they are thinking, what if they are feeling, and show me all their charms. I can write songs about loneliness all night. What good are the words if no one reads the words I wrote. I wish I had someone to love me with all of their heart. That’s when the wishing would end and life would start.
I wish I had someone to talk and listen to every thing on my mind. I wish I had someone to reminisce with, who could be gentle and kind. Every moment I'm breathing, I am missing one person to share this life. So much I am seeing, so much I am feeling, but nothing to rhyme with my life. No one to rhyme with my life. I wish I had someone who cared about me so I can feel less alone. That is when all the wandering and searching would end and I would be home.
I just want someone wants me to love them, and someone who wants to love me. I asked for nothing but the simple pleasures that trust brings to reality. But it seems I ask for too much every time, all I ask for is honesty. Who is not afraid to share everything with me?
So another day. Another big meeting. It went OK but it could’ve gone better. I could’ve been better prepared, and motivation, and clearer, less tired, less blur. I left work a little early, but then I am answering emails on the phone here now so I didn’t actually stop working or have time for myself. What did I eat? I had two yogurts, two or three protein drinks, about 200 cal worth of fat free turkey, you some cottage cheese, and I think that’s it. Not giving in to the fatigue hunger, not giving in to the loneliness hunger, doing my best.
I remember a time when I weighed myself out in words. Weighed myself out in words. Laid yes.
Talk to text, sheesh.
Actually I have not weighed myself in a couple days.
But I do remember a time when I am laid myself out in words, exposing everything, beaming hope that someone would care would override any fear. Left-wing. Left King. What nonsense. Letting myself hope.
All in all, I think it is all rather pathetic. This life of long. Long anger. Long younger. Longing. Wow that took a while. Really interesting changes what is it doing, writing for me?
You move you can I’m feeling down. What?
Does anyone take everything seriously? How about you? How about me? Does anyone want to take this seriously? I’m hoping.
I’m going to try closing my eyes now and seeing what happens.
Narf :)
Saturday, October 6, 2018
Lunch
Too Jays is maybe the best Jewish food chain in the south and I love Jewish food. Not as much as Italian, but some Jewish foods are in my top twenty five favorite foods list. White fish salad, stuffed cabbage, knishes, and pastrami are definitely top five Jewish foods (I left out the fifth because there are probably a half dozen vying for that spot). Smoked salmon (lox), sabal, sturgeon, onion rolls, cream cheese, bagels, onion rolls, latke, all vie for the fifth spot and the rest vie for top ten including blintz, pickled herring in cream sauce with onions, kreplach, chopped liver, kasha varnekesh (with barley and heavy on the onions and mushrooms), baba ghanoush, farfel (heavy on the onions, musrooms, butter, and spices), liver and onions (heavy on the onions and a sweet ready gravy based sauce), halava sweet with pistachios, and I probably left out some.
Online, you can tell Jews make up less than 1% of the world's population. I have a little trouble believing the author is Jewish, but here's a list that claims to be the top 25 Jewish Foods. The article should have been called Middle Eastern foods. Good stuff on the list, but traditional Jewish food is Eastern European and Russian in my world. Wikipedia offers more to choose from, but surprisingly leaves out several traditional Jewish dishes, including all the smoked fish except for lox.
I suppose growing up (not that I ever did) in a Jewish Italian family and neighborhood gave me a taste for Ashkenazic Jewish foods (and pasta and cheese and tomato sauce and meatballs and pizza and... excuse me while I drool) since the Jewish influences were Eastern European and Russian. Some some of the Sephardic Jewish foods were served often too. If you are interested in a bit more accuracy than the more popular sites, try these sites.
So overall, Italian still wins the first prize my taste buds give out in the imaginary ethnic foods awards dinner, but Jewish food ranks high on the list along with Asian foods (shrimp or scallops or lobster in black bean sauce, lobster sauce, and other sauces, shrimp fried rice with lots of duck sauce and some soy sauce, spare ribs, Beijing duck, crab rangoon, egg rolls, spring rolls, shrimp/seafood egg foo young with sweet brown sauce, sweet sauteed eggplant, all sorts of shishami and sushi, hot and sour soup, oh stop me... we'll get into listing Asian foods and listing favorites {most of these are a start} there another time). Some American (BBQ'ed anything), cheeseburgers heavy on the cheese and grilled onions, hot dogs with mustard, ketchup, and onions in sweet red {tomato based} sauce, fried shellfish, meatloaf made right, and more but all done just particularly right specific for my tastes as much of American {and British} food is not at all appealing to me... I like spices and sauces, among other things) and Indian (ahhhh, oh yes.... shhhh, we will stop now) and we wander off into the international food court on my mind...
Yum.
Meanwhile, continuing the apartment search, we visited about seven and I ruled out some others by phone. The good news is there are really nice places to live in the area. The bad news is the potential new roommate can't afford any of them without major changes in his lifestyle and I am not sure he really gets that... and though I can afford them, they are pushing the limits of what I want to spend. I'd like to have the total bill for living expenses at a fourth of my net take home each month and the places we saw today would be closer to a third without considering I might have to cover the roommate now and then. Buying a house, or at least a condo, is definitely the most sensible move. Still, I may move into an apartment and pay someone else's bills for another year.
On a sort of side note (yes another, but this won't go on as long as lunch did lol... there's always hope lam), a one bedroom condo rental in my price range is becoming available December 1 and I apparently have first dibs on it (coincidence or not, it inspires a smile) and... it is being completely remodeled. A friend inherited six of them from her dad this year and while it likely is in an old building that I'll need to bug spray and mold spray... and it is not in the ideal location I wanted... and it likely has few amenities... and the community has it's drawbacks... and it's not gated or as safe as some... and... I will look at it Tuesday evening. Not sure how "remodeled" it will be, but all new cabinets, appliances, bathroom, and flooring would be a serious draw.
I would not be able to bring my washer dryer and would probably be cramped, but still would have more space than I have now and if I can find a cheaper storage, only pay a little more than I am paying now for rent and storage. All the utilities and stuff (internet, cable, etc) would be on me though, so I might end up paying the same as I would in a higher end shared place that would give me more room and amenities. It seems like a viable option, though the appeal of the higher end more spacious living and great amenities is a powerful draw if I risk the cost of a roommate who may not be responsible enough to pay his way all the time. I tell myself I can find another if he bit off more than he could chew, but there can be complications and hassles I do not want to deal with. Tuesday evening will tell me a lot more.
The places we looked at were nice, some beautiful, most very acceptable. One place I could actually bring my washer dryer, which is very appealing as I would not need to spend any extra money on storage (I wonder if the new potential roommate has even used one. Could be he has some real independent livings skills, could be he has none.... sharing a kitchen and all my kitchen stuff and the washer dryer suddenly became a queasy feeling... trust, hope, teach).
If you would like to know more about the apartment search (or just happen to be someone looking for a roommate in this area who stumbled by this blog), feel free to reach out (please? lol). If you are an amazing rich person who wants to live with an amazing poor person, definitely reach out. I do lawns, bathrooms, even windows lol... and I cook too :)
Hey, here's an idea (wanna put on a show?... no, not that idea), if you have an extra house in Lake Mary, Lake Forest, Heathrow, or Sanford, I'll watch it and take care of it for you.
Checking on the file transfer (two more hours have passed), the box says 60% complete and there are 82K files left. Speed continues to fluctuate and the peak remains 37 MB/s. I also just repositioned the two hard drives and put a fan on them as they were both getting very hot, especially the thinner and older 1 TB drive. 63% complete but still just over 82K files as large video files are currently being moved. 1 hour and 20 minutes is the estimate. According to the graph in the box, speed has been consistently in the mid-30s MB/s for about forty minutes. Cooling did not seem to be affecting speed of transfer, though when the files switched to much smaller .m4v files, speed dropped into the high teens to mid-twenties. Down to 81K files now. 66% completed. 1 hour 45 minutes to go. Yeah, I know lol.
It doesn't get much more exciting than this. lol lam laa
Narf :)
Online, you can tell Jews make up less than 1% of the world's population. I have a little trouble believing the author is Jewish, but here's a list that claims to be the top 25 Jewish Foods. The article should have been called Middle Eastern foods. Good stuff on the list, but traditional Jewish food is Eastern European and Russian in my world. Wikipedia offers more to choose from, but surprisingly leaves out several traditional Jewish dishes, including all the smoked fish except for lox.
I suppose growing up (not that I ever did) in a Jewish Italian family and neighborhood gave me a taste for Ashkenazic Jewish foods (and pasta and cheese and tomato sauce and meatballs and pizza and... excuse me while I drool) since the Jewish influences were Eastern European and Russian. Some some of the Sephardic Jewish foods were served often too. If you are interested in a bit more accuracy than the more popular sites, try these sites.
So overall, Italian still wins the first prize my taste buds give out in the imaginary ethnic foods awards dinner, but Jewish food ranks high on the list along with Asian foods (shrimp or scallops or lobster in black bean sauce, lobster sauce, and other sauces, shrimp fried rice with lots of duck sauce and some soy sauce, spare ribs, Beijing duck, crab rangoon, egg rolls, spring rolls, shrimp/seafood egg foo young with sweet brown sauce, sweet sauteed eggplant, all sorts of shishami and sushi, hot and sour soup, oh stop me... we'll get into listing Asian foods and listing favorites {most of these are a start} there another time). Some American (BBQ'ed anything), cheeseburgers heavy on the cheese and grilled onions, hot dogs with mustard, ketchup, and onions in sweet red {tomato based} sauce, fried shellfish, meatloaf made right, and more but all done just particularly right specific for my tastes as much of American {and British} food is not at all appealing to me... I like spices and sauces, among other things) and Indian (ahhhh, oh yes.... shhhh, we will stop now) and we wander off into the international food court on my mind...
Yum.
Meanwhile, continuing the apartment search, we visited about seven and I ruled out some others by phone. The good news is there are really nice places to live in the area. The bad news is the potential new roommate can't afford any of them without major changes in his lifestyle and I am not sure he really gets that... and though I can afford them, they are pushing the limits of what I want to spend. I'd like to have the total bill for living expenses at a fourth of my net take home each month and the places we saw today would be closer to a third without considering I might have to cover the roommate now and then. Buying a house, or at least a condo, is definitely the most sensible move. Still, I may move into an apartment and pay someone else's bills for another year.
On a sort of side note (yes another, but this won't go on as long as lunch did lol... there's always hope lam), a one bedroom condo rental in my price range is becoming available December 1 and I apparently have first dibs on it (coincidence or not, it inspires a smile) and... it is being completely remodeled. A friend inherited six of them from her dad this year and while it likely is in an old building that I'll need to bug spray and mold spray... and it is not in the ideal location I wanted... and it likely has few amenities... and the community has it's drawbacks... and it's not gated or as safe as some... and... I will look at it Tuesday evening. Not sure how "remodeled" it will be, but all new cabinets, appliances, bathroom, and flooring would be a serious draw.
I would not be able to bring my washer dryer and would probably be cramped, but still would have more space than I have now and if I can find a cheaper storage, only pay a little more than I am paying now for rent and storage. All the utilities and stuff (internet, cable, etc) would be on me though, so I might end up paying the same as I would in a higher end shared place that would give me more room and amenities. It seems like a viable option, though the appeal of the higher end more spacious living and great amenities is a powerful draw if I risk the cost of a roommate who may not be responsible enough to pay his way all the time. I tell myself I can find another if he bit off more than he could chew, but there can be complications and hassles I do not want to deal with. Tuesday evening will tell me a lot more.
The places we looked at were nice, some beautiful, most very acceptable. One place I could actually bring my washer dryer, which is very appealing as I would not need to spend any extra money on storage (I wonder if the new potential roommate has even used one. Could be he has some real independent livings skills, could be he has none.... sharing a kitchen and all my kitchen stuff and the washer dryer suddenly became a queasy feeling... trust, hope, teach).
If you would like to know more about the apartment search (or just happen to be someone looking for a roommate in this area who stumbled by this blog), feel free to reach out (please? lol). If you are an amazing rich person who wants to live with an amazing poor person, definitely reach out. I do lawns, bathrooms, even windows lol... and I cook too :)
Hey, here's an idea (wanna put on a show?... no, not that idea), if you have an extra house in Lake Mary, Lake Forest, Heathrow, or Sanford, I'll watch it and take care of it for you.
Checking on the file transfer (two more hours have passed), the box says 60% complete and there are 82K files left. Speed continues to fluctuate and the peak remains 37 MB/s. I also just repositioned the two hard drives and put a fan on them as they were both getting very hot, especially the thinner and older 1 TB drive. 63% complete but still just over 82K files as large video files are currently being moved. 1 hour and 20 minutes is the estimate. According to the graph in the box, speed has been consistently in the mid-30s MB/s for about forty minutes. Cooling did not seem to be affecting speed of transfer, though when the files switched to much smaller .m4v files, speed dropped into the high teens to mid-twenties. Down to 81K files now. 66% completed. 1 hour 45 minutes to go. Yeah, I know lol.
It doesn't get much more exciting than this. lol lam laa
Narf :)
Still Driving the Computer
Hello again. Still waiting on the file transfer from the 1TB external drive to the 5TB external drive to be completed before I start doing much other than typing nto this notepad file. The transfer was re-initiated about three hours ago and I went out for an hour and a half to the gym and it is about the reach the halfway point for number of files, but the Windows tracking pop-up window says it is 25% completed and there are 2.5 hours remaining (of course that estimate changes with the wind and is rarely anywhere close to accurate) with 131K files remaining. It's peaked about 37 MB/s during this transfer so far. I wonder what a grown-up computer would do lol.
We (potential new roommate and I) finally went apartment shopping today. He is not impressing me at all as someone I can trust or rely on, which makes him poor roommate material (so far), but on the other hand I sense a harmlessness in him and his unreliability could readily be his limited life experience, awkward social skills, and some social isolation. At 11:15 AM while I was driving to where he asked to meet, he called to ask if we were still meeting at 11:30 AM. I told him yes. When I get to the location, I see a text asking the same thing. I respond "I'm here" and follow that up with "You?"
He responded at 11:55.
He called to confirm I'd be there on time. He texted fifteen minutes before our scheduled meeting time to make sure I'd be there on time. I said I'm in the car and on my way. He made no mention he'd be late. The first meeting he was fifteen minutes early. So being late may not be a pattern, but poor communication - that seems consistent. He seems clueless sometimes. I texted back "You could have mentioned you were running late" and he replied "Sorry" and I left it there.
So he arrived about noon, thirty minutes late, because he has a fitness session with his personal trainer at LA Fitness ($200 a month) and he was not hungry enough for lunch even though we said we were meeting for lunch. Once again he had no preparation for the apartment search. No list of places he wanted to see.
So I pulled out the email I sent him that asked him to look at a couple of dozen links to many dozens of properties with floor plans and prices, asking him to look through and let me know which he liked, and I started choosing paces to go and driving to them. I saw after the first two visits that he had never done this before so I took over the questioning of leasing agents who, naturally, wanted contact information for their database so they could send us sales pitches after they kept us there listening to their in-person sales pitch for as long as we'd stay. I simply wanted floor plans, current prices, and availability over the next few months so we could see as many as possible in the very short time frame he was giving this decision.
Ten minutes tops. That way we could squeeze in seeing six to eight places in the limited time we had. The first two leasing agents tried hard to do their thing and he was going with it, so I had to stop that waste of time.
We squeezed lunch in when he said he was hungry.
I must be desperate lol.
Narf :)
We (potential new roommate and I) finally went apartment shopping today. He is not impressing me at all as someone I can trust or rely on, which makes him poor roommate material (so far), but on the other hand I sense a harmlessness in him and his unreliability could readily be his limited life experience, awkward social skills, and some social isolation. At 11:15 AM while I was driving to where he asked to meet, he called to ask if we were still meeting at 11:30 AM. I told him yes. When I get to the location, I see a text asking the same thing. I respond "I'm here" and follow that up with "You?"
He responded at 11:55.
He called to confirm I'd be there on time. He texted fifteen minutes before our scheduled meeting time to make sure I'd be there on time. I said I'm in the car and on my way. He made no mention he'd be late. The first meeting he was fifteen minutes early. So being late may not be a pattern, but poor communication - that seems consistent. He seems clueless sometimes. I texted back "You could have mentioned you were running late" and he replied "Sorry" and I left it there.
So he arrived about noon, thirty minutes late, because he has a fitness session with his personal trainer at LA Fitness ($200 a month) and he was not hungry enough for lunch even though we said we were meeting for lunch. Once again he had no preparation for the apartment search. No list of places he wanted to see.
So I pulled out the email I sent him that asked him to look at a couple of dozen links to many dozens of properties with floor plans and prices, asking him to look through and let me know which he liked, and I started choosing paces to go and driving to them. I saw after the first two visits that he had never done this before so I took over the questioning of leasing agents who, naturally, wanted contact information for their database so they could send us sales pitches after they kept us there listening to their in-person sales pitch for as long as we'd stay. I simply wanted floor plans, current prices, and availability over the next few months so we could see as many as possible in the very short time frame he was giving this decision.
Ten minutes tops. That way we could squeeze in seeing six to eight places in the limited time we had. The first two leasing agents tried hard to do their thing and he was going with it, so I had to stop that waste of time.
We squeezed lunch in when he said he was hungry.
I must be desperate lol.
Narf :)
New Spaces
Almost going for a new computer, but that will wait as I spend $700 extra dollars last month (or was that this month?) on other stuff and with only $400 extra coming in (now that the car is paid off, or soon, at least), that's a net deficit and I do not want a net deficit in any month so I shall not buy a new computer this month because this month I have semi-annual insurance due which is another net deficit month unless I cut back so I shall cut back on as much as reasonable (we hope), especially since the net worth is at the lowest of the year (really?... maybe I mean my checking account, but it's still a good scare tactic if it works cuz I have been giving way too much money away lately) and the possibility of moving is closer than ever (I shall be out physically looking at places today for the first time in years).
I did buy a new 5TB hard drive last month as a back-up drive. I almost bought an 8TB drive, but I do not have a TB of data in my personal folders at this time so I did not spend the extra money this time. By the time I need more drive space they could have PB drives out lol.
In any case, what the computer is doing right now is transferring the 1TB drive to the 5TB drive. Slowly. The top speed has been abut 16MB/s which is puzzling. Often dropping to near zero is just as puzzling. There must be a better way to connect the drives (I have them in two USB ports and am using Windows Explore for the transfer) for faster transfer, but it is what it is today. There are likely thousands of files on the drive that are useless (like the thousands of "Local State-RFxxxxxxxx.TMP and other .TMP fils or .eml files being transferred at the moment) and just as many I don't need (260,226 was the count of files being transferred), but I don't have time to search through to determine what can be deleted so it's all one big dump into on folder for now. The process started at 9:23 AM. The unreliable Windows estimate says "Time remaining: More than 1 day" most of the time. It switched to "Time Remaining: 8 hours" briefly, say for about 30 seconds, but after 27 minutes, about 18,000 files have been transferred, many of them.TMP files and the data transfer rate has dropped to under 1MB/s for most of those. It is currently under 100KB/s. I seems that this should be faster than dial-up, right? lol.
The internet is not connected here at the moment. The wire was down in the street yesterday. Might have been a big truck going through the neighborhood as the wires hang kind of low (and they wobble to and fro, in case it matters to ya). No internet was right on time as I laid down after work ad laid the phone games until I fell asleep. I left work let, about 8;00 PM, then took a shower and fell asleep around 11:00 PM. Woke about 8:30 AM and the right kidney said I've been horizontal long enough. The right kidney aches when I lay on my right side and dehydrate overnight. I woke to urinate at least three times, so I was relatively hydrated overall. That right kidney will likely be the first body part to completely fail, but hopefully it will take a lot more years to get there. The rest of the body has it's ups and downs and the muscles are more atrophied than ever before, so I really must (again) get to the gym more and just exercise (lift stuff) more. As I woke and considered the muscles, I realized how muscles need rest and how good the body felt after more than 8 hours sleep which got me to thinking about the heart muscles which never get any rest at all. I felt amazed the physiological and mechanical feat since I don't know where that might happen anywhere else in nature. Maybe the shark swimming constantly compares.
Of course I could make a case for the computer, as in the MS Windows and other software crap, that constantly provides interruptions. The pathetic dependency on the internet that permeates our culture certainly is exemplified by the computer. So there's no internet connection, why do you have to panic and constantly pop up to tell me there's an error. Not being connected to the internet is an error. Do you see anything wrong with that concept?
Windows says so. Lenovo says so. Of all programs, Kaspersky should be happy there is no connection because that means there's no threat and it's job is to protect the computer, but even Kaspersky pops up with issues when there is no internet connection. What limited minds programmers must have, such linear thinking, so sad, really, since they are leading the human race into the next wave of evolutionary development. The chip that connects the brain to the internet. How will our DNA adjust to that? lol. Could be I'll find out, though it may come after my heart finally rests.
I should have (really, as if I couldn't have, right?) gone to the gym this morning. The potential new roommate, who I believe was named Levi or Liv, though I am not firm on that quite yet, said he has an appointment with a personal trainer right now and that's why he couldn't start looking at apartments earlier today so we will only have the afternoon. I am concerned that he will have trouble paying his portion of the bills since his income is low and he has expences I don't have, but then, I have expenses he doesn't have (softball, for one). Still, rent and utilities will be more than 50% of his take home and I believe he's never lived on his own before, hence, concern. Still, my complete lack of other viable options over the past couple of years has left me here.
Well, about 37,000 files have transferred and it is time to get dressed and head out to shop for new places.
Narf :)
I did buy a new 5TB hard drive last month as a back-up drive. I almost bought an 8TB drive, but I do not have a TB of data in my personal folders at this time so I did not spend the extra money this time. By the time I need more drive space they could have PB drives out lol.
In any case, what the computer is doing right now is transferring the 1TB drive to the 5TB drive. Slowly. The top speed has been abut 16MB/s which is puzzling. Often dropping to near zero is just as puzzling. There must be a better way to connect the drives (I have them in two USB ports and am using Windows Explore for the transfer) for faster transfer, but it is what it is today. There are likely thousands of files on the drive that are useless (like the thousands of "Local State-RFxxxxxxxx.TMP and other .TMP fils or .eml files being transferred at the moment) and just as many I don't need (260,226 was the count of files being transferred), but I don't have time to search through to determine what can be deleted so it's all one big dump into on folder for now. The process started at 9:23 AM. The unreliable Windows estimate says "Time remaining: More than 1 day" most of the time. It switched to "Time Remaining: 8 hours" briefly, say for about 30 seconds, but after 27 minutes, about 18,000 files have been transferred, many of them.TMP files and the data transfer rate has dropped to under 1MB/s for most of those. It is currently under 100KB/s. I seems that this should be faster than dial-up, right? lol.
The internet is not connected here at the moment. The wire was down in the street yesterday. Might have been a big truck going through the neighborhood as the wires hang kind of low (and they wobble to and fro, in case it matters to ya). No internet was right on time as I laid down after work ad laid the phone games until I fell asleep. I left work let, about 8;00 PM, then took a shower and fell asleep around 11:00 PM. Woke about 8:30 AM and the right kidney said I've been horizontal long enough. The right kidney aches when I lay on my right side and dehydrate overnight. I woke to urinate at least three times, so I was relatively hydrated overall. That right kidney will likely be the first body part to completely fail, but hopefully it will take a lot more years to get there. The rest of the body has it's ups and downs and the muscles are more atrophied than ever before, so I really must (again) get to the gym more and just exercise (lift stuff) more. As I woke and considered the muscles, I realized how muscles need rest and how good the body felt after more than 8 hours sleep which got me to thinking about the heart muscles which never get any rest at all. I felt amazed the physiological and mechanical feat since I don't know where that might happen anywhere else in nature. Maybe the shark swimming constantly compares.
Of course I could make a case for the computer, as in the MS Windows and other software crap, that constantly provides interruptions. The pathetic dependency on the internet that permeates our culture certainly is exemplified by the computer. So there's no internet connection, why do you have to panic and constantly pop up to tell me there's an error. Not being connected to the internet is an error. Do you see anything wrong with that concept?
Windows says so. Lenovo says so. Of all programs, Kaspersky should be happy there is no connection because that means there's no threat and it's job is to protect the computer, but even Kaspersky pops up with issues when there is no internet connection. What limited minds programmers must have, such linear thinking, so sad, really, since they are leading the human race into the next wave of evolutionary development. The chip that connects the brain to the internet. How will our DNA adjust to that? lol. Could be I'll find out, though it may come after my heart finally rests.
I should have (really, as if I couldn't have, right?) gone to the gym this morning. The potential new roommate, who I believe was named Levi or Liv, though I am not firm on that quite yet, said he has an appointment with a personal trainer right now and that's why he couldn't start looking at apartments earlier today so we will only have the afternoon. I am concerned that he will have trouble paying his portion of the bills since his income is low and he has expences I don't have, but then, I have expenses he doesn't have (softball, for one). Still, rent and utilities will be more than 50% of his take home and I believe he's never lived on his own before, hence, concern. Still, my complete lack of other viable options over the past couple of years has left me here.
Well, about 37,000 files have transferred and it is time to get dressed and head out to shop for new places.
Narf :)
Friday, October 5, 2018
Still Here
Yes, I am still here. Still standing, as the song goes. Talk to text has been distraction, protraction, extraction, refraction, ex-laxion. I have the big monthly meeting tomorrow, or today, actually. In the afternoon. And I planned on getting to work early in the morning to do some good preparing for it. So my brain should be rested so I really should be sleeping but... I am still here.
Being that since I had a big annual meeting yesterday you see, the proper best move for my decision maker is to go to sleep now and get enough rest to be clear in the cranial capacitors in the am, that A.M. but I am still here. I spent the whole morning and the night before getting ready for that, so I didn't sleep uch and I am really more tired than I may appear, being still here. And Monday was so busy with other stuff that I don’t remember what it was. LOL I really should get some sleep. In any case.
What?
But real craving is back. The all the craving is back. Wow old I don’t pronounce old properly apparently. I don't do old well, alas, I just don't know how. Wait, that's a good thing if it doesn't kill me, right? The old tat isn't really old butis still not new craving is back. My hunger to share. To love and be loved. And that emotional hunger to eat. I want more food. Even though I ate three sausages and pasta for dinner. I feel like I’m about to get up and get some more. I don’t know what more there is that I would want. I don’t know where to came from I said want. I say want. There’s way too much attempt at filling in words by this talk to text program I’m necessary. That is becoming annoying. Stop trying so hard.
I don't know what happened next, but I am still here.
Narf :)
Being that since I had a big annual meeting yesterday you see, the proper best move for my decision maker is to go to sleep now and get enough rest to be clear in the cranial capacitors in the am, that A.M. but I am still here. I spent the whole morning and the night before getting ready for that, so I didn't sleep uch and I am really more tired than I may appear, being still here. And Monday was so busy with other stuff that I don’t remember what it was. LOL I really should get some sleep. In any case.
What?
But real craving is back. The all the craving is back. Wow old I don’t pronounce old properly apparently. I don't do old well, alas, I just don't know how. Wait, that's a good thing if it doesn't kill me, right? The old tat isn't really old butis still not new craving is back. My hunger to share. To love and be loved. And that emotional hunger to eat. I want more food. Even though I ate three sausages and pasta for dinner. I feel like I’m about to get up and get some more. I don’t know what more there is that I would want. I don’t know where to came from I said want. I say want. There’s way too much attempt at filling in words by this talk to text program I’m necessary. That is becoming annoying. Stop trying so hard.
I don't know what happened next, but I am still here.
Narf :)
Thursday, October 4, 2018
Lonely (Part 2)
You can read part one if you want, it's the previous entry. Meanwhile, I mentioned that I hear noises outside. Some kids on a minibike having fun. Maybe that’s what I should do. Have fun. But then it’s after one a.m. bad it is wow now I never said bad it is. I said after all it’s 1 AM it is. I sometimes hear noises in the house too, I don’t know if it’s Eb moving around, I don’t know if he can hear me rambling on at night like this. He doesn’t mention it, just as if anyone is reading over his words, you don’t mention it either. It could be critters in the attic space. In any case, I must admit, I don’t know what I would say to all this rambling if someone else was writing it. Maybe you and I understand. I would probably have a lot to say LOL 1 a.m.
That’s just the way I am.
Hey, so do you want to put on a show? Yeah LOL, I wish so much I had friends who would say something like that to me. Like Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland movies, or something like that. I would like to swing on a star. Carry moonbeams home in a jar. And all that jazz.
Still the same old story. Wondering if anybody will listen to it.
I realize tonight, when I took a look at my blog, where I went almost a whole month without noting the food I was eating. Then I realized I also went almost a whole month without losing more weight. Staying under 180 is a good thing, but I am atrophying, vegetating and that is not a good thing. I must motivate myself to get to the gym daily.
Say it again. I must motivate myself to get to the gym. Daily.
Anyway, the other daily blogs, in case it matters, I’ve also been neglected them this past month. Even though I am babbling into the phone much more often than I usually do. The words are not getting copied and pasted into a file and edited and uploaded into blog posts. I wonder why that is. Most likely it is one of my fuck the world stages. Oh not in the sense of I want to destroy anything, but in the sense of where if nobody cares why should I? But to clarify I always care, it’s just the way I am, so I mean more if nobody cares why should I show that I do. I’m living my life, enjoying each moment, and I don’t have to reach out to anyone because what’s the point if nobody's there? If nobody cares why would I want to share with them anyway.
But then rises the old voice in my head. Wow that line took a strange turn.
But then, but all the voice in my head speak up (in harmony, of course) why wouldn’t clear. Her ha ha. I suppose all the voices is more accurate LOL, but I said that all the voice in my head. Strange talk to text does not want to type old. So I just move your lawn, the target after all, it’s where the bull’s-eye Lance. Tough to go wrong with that philosophy LOL.
Back to bed voice in my head, though what?
Maybe voice to text is getting tired. In any case, again,
That dream of sharing returns to consciousness. That hunger for interaction. That longing for love. To love and be loved unconditionally without you have vision or restriction, without inhibition or restriction, with completely open honesty. Where is this close to the energy of the eternal infinity that I can imagine. Depeche Mode called that drug. At least I thought it was Depeche Mode, it very well could’ve been somebody else. Not the river. Wow I say the VR, and outcomes of the van, the river, the Villa, anything but the Villa. VEVE. VE wow TH comes out as we consistently. Talk to text has a big flaw. V. VR. Ever.
It is almost as if someone else is talking.
THE. THE.
That was more work than it was worth. Might as well ask is that Metallica LOL
Where are the good old days when somebody understood my jokes. Reminiscing can be so much fun. Why be sad when the memories are so hopeful. We don’t have to remember the pain. It was plenty of joy, peace, euphoria, and happiness along the way. Just choose to remember that, and there’s plenty of hope for more.
Don't get me wrong, I can wallow in their deep dark abyss of self pity and sorrow, morning everything I’ve lost. Better than most probably. I mean how many people have taken years to focus on doing just that? Well, then again, not just that. Actually all the years that I did not work, and just played, and wrote, and sang, and just enjoyed life, I also explored the darkness and the sorrow of self prophetic depression were years I would never want to give back.
I only went down so that I could come up again.
Ashleigh Brilliant.
Strange singer. LOL period.
I don’t want to believe that anyone ever really did want to hurt me. Or make me cry. I’ve just not been lucky enough to find people who could relate to me and my interests. My curiosity is insatiable and it always outpaced everyone I’ve been with. No one figured out how to hold me down. Yet no one cared to be the wind beneath my wings either. At least not yet. There’s the hope again. :-)
Who is going to come out tomorrow. Well I did say the sun will come out tomorrow but, who will come out tomorrow is just as good a fuck. Wow I said just as good I thought. LOL. I guess talk to text messes sex too. LOL Mrs. sex wow that is prudish of you.
I don’t want to married women
I don’t want little girls
I don’t want to mess with Buzzin? Massive?
I just want someone to be my world.
I don’t know why talks to text continuously takes away the new lines and the new paragraphs I put in. Very distracting. It would be annoying if I was paying attention. But there’s that hope again. Where is that Hope again. There is a bat hope again. What us to Broadway to write.
Huh?
Obviously overtired. And I don’t mean me LOL. What was I saying back there anyway. Oh yes there’s that help again. Hope again. That hope that someone will come along and care and edit me. The editor. I dream of her almost as much as I dream of the one. LOL
I’m going to send this now. Even though I don’t feel finished and I still have more words babbling away. But I think wrap the email is getting too long or four of the farm. And that might be why talk to text is screwing up so much.
Maybe
Narf :)
That’s just the way I am.
Hey, so do you want to put on a show? Yeah LOL, I wish so much I had friends who would say something like that to me. Like Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland movies, or something like that. I would like to swing on a star. Carry moonbeams home in a jar. And all that jazz.
Still the same old story. Wondering if anybody will listen to it.
I realize tonight, when I took a look at my blog, where I went almost a whole month without noting the food I was eating. Then I realized I also went almost a whole month without losing more weight. Staying under 180 is a good thing, but I am atrophying, vegetating and that is not a good thing. I must motivate myself to get to the gym daily.
Say it again. I must motivate myself to get to the gym. Daily.
Anyway, the other daily blogs, in case it matters, I’ve also been neglected them this past month. Even though I am babbling into the phone much more often than I usually do. The words are not getting copied and pasted into a file and edited and uploaded into blog posts. I wonder why that is. Most likely it is one of my fuck the world stages. Oh not in the sense of I want to destroy anything, but in the sense of where if nobody cares why should I? But to clarify I always care, it’s just the way I am, so I mean more if nobody cares why should I show that I do. I’m living my life, enjoying each moment, and I don’t have to reach out to anyone because what’s the point if nobody's there? If nobody cares why would I want to share with them anyway.
But then rises the old voice in my head. Wow that line took a strange turn.
But then, but all the voice in my head speak up (in harmony, of course) why wouldn’t clear. Her ha ha. I suppose all the voices is more accurate LOL, but I said that all the voice in my head. Strange talk to text does not want to type old. So I just move your lawn, the target after all, it’s where the bull’s-eye Lance. Tough to go wrong with that philosophy LOL.
Back to bed voice in my head, though what?
Maybe voice to text is getting tired. In any case, again,
That dream of sharing returns to consciousness. That hunger for interaction. That longing for love. To love and be loved unconditionally without you have vision or restriction, without inhibition or restriction, with completely open honesty. Where is this close to the energy of the eternal infinity that I can imagine. Depeche Mode called that drug. At least I thought it was Depeche Mode, it very well could’ve been somebody else. Not the river. Wow I say the VR, and outcomes of the van, the river, the Villa, anything but the Villa. VEVE. VE wow TH comes out as we consistently. Talk to text has a big flaw. V. VR. Ever.
It is almost as if someone else is talking.
THE. THE.
That was more work than it was worth. Might as well ask is that Metallica LOL
Where are the good old days when somebody understood my jokes. Reminiscing can be so much fun. Why be sad when the memories are so hopeful. We don’t have to remember the pain. It was plenty of joy, peace, euphoria, and happiness along the way. Just choose to remember that, and there’s plenty of hope for more.
Don't get me wrong, I can wallow in their deep dark abyss of self pity and sorrow, morning everything I’ve lost. Better than most probably. I mean how many people have taken years to focus on doing just that? Well, then again, not just that. Actually all the years that I did not work, and just played, and wrote, and sang, and just enjoyed life, I also explored the darkness and the sorrow of self prophetic depression were years I would never want to give back.
I only went down so that I could come up again.
Ashleigh Brilliant.
Strange singer. LOL period.
I don’t want to believe that anyone ever really did want to hurt me. Or make me cry. I’ve just not been lucky enough to find people who could relate to me and my interests. My curiosity is insatiable and it always outpaced everyone I’ve been with. No one figured out how to hold me down. Yet no one cared to be the wind beneath my wings either. At least not yet. There’s the hope again. :-)
Who is going to come out tomorrow. Well I did say the sun will come out tomorrow but, who will come out tomorrow is just as good a fuck. Wow I said just as good I thought. LOL. I guess talk to text messes sex too. LOL Mrs. sex wow that is prudish of you.
I don’t want to married women
I don’t want little girls
I don’t want to mess with Buzzin? Massive?
I just want someone to be my world.
I don’t know why talks to text continuously takes away the new lines and the new paragraphs I put in. Very distracting. It would be annoying if I was paying attention. But there’s that hope again. Where is that Hope again. There is a bat hope again. What us to Broadway to write.
Huh?
Obviously overtired. And I don’t mean me LOL. What was I saying back there anyway. Oh yes there’s that help again. Hope again. That hope that someone will come along and care and edit me. The editor. I dream of her almost as much as I dream of the one. LOL
I’m going to send this now. Even though I don’t feel finished and I still have more words babbling away. But I think wrap the email is getting too long or four of the farm. And that might be why talk to text is screwing up so much.
Maybe
Narf :)
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