Sleepless

Here we are again, sleepy, but sleepless. I was falling asleep several times during the day today. I did a lot of driving around. Taking care of business. Some of it my business though I was also taking care of work business. I stopped at the storage place and found boxes had collapsed. Must’ve been a mighty crash. Broken glass and stuff all over the floor. Luckily nothing was disturbed by any creatures. No bugs no vermin. Unfortunately a lot of the boxes were bugged by vermin in the first few months before I removed the food boxes and exterminated. The place has a bit of a mouse poop odor so I will need to decide how to clean the boxes if I’m going to keep them. They are plastic bins that cost 5 to 7 dollars each. I really don’t want to toss them so I’ll find a way to clean them.

New place, warm day, wash the car and the boxes in the driveway... dreaming.

Anyway, I picked up the stuff re-stacked a bit, could’ve done better, hopefully it won’t fall again. I brought back here five or six boxes to sort through. I hope to throw out more stuff, but that’s not always easy for me.

Anyway, again, I lay down to play the game when I got back here because I thought I’d fall to sleep. But here it is five hours later and sleep did not come.

I was a bit woozy early in the day. I started work really early sent out emails went over to the drug test place where I run drug testing once a month, and standing for three hours was a little challenging. I felt better better after a poop. Still very fatigued. I think splitting open the hemorrhoid last night allowed bacteria to get into the bloodstream and the body has been fighting infection all day. The kidneys I think take the brunt of it. I started feeling like I did when I had to go to the emergency room with a kidney infection a while back, but the body seems to be fighting it off.

After the drug testing I headed back here and lay down for 45 minutes which helped. I actually slept. When I went to meet a surveyor to see some nails that were not taken out of the road by a traffic control contractor. After that I stopped at the storage place. Then I drove around a while, indecisive about where to go, so I went in circles. I dropped off the stuff from the storage here on one of the circles.

I drank two 100 cal protein shakes during the day and had five prunes which are about 100 cal and then just in the past hour another protein shake 160 more calories. That’s all I ate today because the digestive system was wonky. I am a little hungry but not a lot hungry.

Maybe this is the week I start going back towards 170. NWP

I downloaded a dozen apps. I haven’t explored them and I don’t know what some of them do but some are social type apps. We shall see if I actually signed up. I really do not like giving my personal information to the Internet. And I do not like putting much personal information on the phone. Call me paranoid, but I don’t trust people.

Probably why am so alone these days.

That’s why I downloaded the apps though. That’s why I am not asleep. Loneliness is such a sad affair.

Who gets that song reference?

I just want someone to love.

The talk to text seems to be cooperating better tonight. The fan is on so there’s a slight background noise. I am very tired so I am probably not articulating as well as I could. And still, I don’t see too many errors. Of course it could be that my eyes are blurry and I don’t see anything through clearly.

The thermostat was 86 most of the day today here. I’m not sure why he stopped keeping it at 81 or 82, but I am tired of asking or even talking. He’s pissing on the seat again. He just doesn’t bend over much. And the stool he uses when he poops stays in the way as if he’s the only one who lives here. But then he does everything as if he’s the only one who lives here. He really doesn’t know how to share. I’ve grown accustomed to it, but complacency is far from satisfaction and tolerance is far from comfort so I will be out of here by December-ish whether it is in a shared space with the potential new roommate or in the one bedroom. I am leaning strongly towards the one bedroom. If it was not on the second floor, I probably would not be looking anymore. If it was first floor and 600 or 650 I would definitely not be looking anymore. 700 is OK I guess, 750 is not where I wanted to go. In a shared space 1500 would get a really nice place.

Even 1400 would get a really nice place. If only I could find the right roommate who I could feel secure about their reliability to pay.

Finding someone to love would be even better.

What are you doing with yourself at this moment? I wonder.

Jackson emailed me a smiley face today. She doesn’t do words much. We both laugh about that, but I feel the sadness because the insecurity is not fun for either of us. It gets her in all sorts of confusing situations and undermines her relationships, but who is as it is. So I jumped for joy at the smiling face.

And she sent another :-) in response.

Tomorrow I have a couple of reports to put together with photos to download and attach and I need to get that done by 11 because there is a baby shower for one of the coworkers at a local restaurant. And after that I’m going to head to my doctors appointment and probably not head back to work after that. Unless something comes up. It’s the hematologist and hopefully my blood work is done and in his office by the time I get there. It was only a CBC, so it should be done. I hope to get a clean bill of health so to speak even though I know the body is deteriorating and things are going on inside that doctors have not figured out. Death comes to us all but hopefully it’s still a few decades away for me. Call me an optimist LOL.

The sleeplessness is undermining the weight loss, the exercise, and everything. I really must find a way to quell the loneliness. The distractions are not working lately.

And we come to the who cares portion of the night LOL. Just put on Billy Joel song honesty. Where are you?

Maybe I don’t want to find a lover anymore.

I don’t want any more games, I don’t want any more walls, I don’t want any more story, maybe that’s why no one calls, I don’t want anymore lies, the pretense is the fear, I just want someone who is not afraid to share how much they care.

Sloop John B. Hello mother hello father. There’s a few more somewhere floating in my mind. If someone understood that would be kind. I miss music. That may be one of the biggest reasons taking the place of the one bedroom by myself is the best thing I can do. Even though it’s going to cost more. And not have the amenities or cleanliness or comfort that I would like. It will certainly be in Normas Lee more comfortable and cleaner than here. In Normas sleet. Wow. Enormous. League. Enormous way.

Enormously. lol

Way to go talk to text.

Maybe she will be kind and generous and give it to me for free. OK or realistically maybe 650 will be enough for her. More likely 700. If only it wasn’t upstairs. It’s going to be so challenging to move all those boxes up those stairs. And if it’s just for year back down again. I suppose I could hire someone for a couple hundred bucks, two men and a truck. We shall see. I definitely look forward to sorting through all the stuff that’s in the boxes and hopefully finding a way to reduce the amount of stuff.

These are the thoughts but keep my mind from sleeping. These are the thoughts. Would you like to swing on the store?
I have no idea why talk to text backspace then re-wrote that last sentence changing the last word from star to store.

I only want to give all I can give them care as much as I can care. I am alive to love and be loved and that’s all I ever wanted from this lifeherb. Lifeherb? I don’t understand people. I don't understand talk to text either. But people, I can explain your behavior and rationalize, but it is insanity to me.

"It" being the way people live. Buried in fear by choice. Substituting delusions for reality. Creating obstacles to avoid honesty. So afraid of their own emotions that they are not there. Children needing other children and yet letting their grown-up pride Heidelberg need him so. Hide all the lead in sight... wow look up the song people. lol

Have you ever opened your heart without any hesitation, reservations, or restriction? Have you ever given yourself completely openly and honestly?

Have you ever open your mind to the infinite possibilities? Maybe I took cartoons too seriously LOL.

And fairy tales let’s not forget fairy tales.

Fairy tales can come true, it can happen to you, if you wanted to. If you want it to. You just have to do it.

People pretend they have no control over their emotions when they are the only one in there. In their minds. And the mind controls everything you do.

So afraid to feel they make feeling unreal. Play make feeling unreal the norm and real feelings are left for others to act out or sing about single about saying about sing sing sing a song.

Maybe it’s because I turned the phone in a different direction so that I could see the screen but then it was facing the fire the fan and that might’ve disturb

skews me

That was a burp followed by excuse me.

LOL

So, we are still here rambling on...

and suddenly it stopped.

Narf :)