Lonely

I guess that’s the bottom line the reason I don’t sleep a reason I play games and distract myself the reason I write reason I am never fully satisfied with anything although there is more to that last reason why and I am going to get into you at this moment, loneliness.

Yes, loneliness.

That is what drives me. Perplexes me. Frustrates me. In some strange way, gives me hope. For it is the hope that I will share time and space with someone that makes me lonely and keeps me hoping I won’t be lonely anymore. Perhaps that’s some sort of madness. LOL

It is certainly a paradox of some sort, a conundrum, and I hold lotta words. ??

So what’s going on. Or is that at? I said or is that a?? that text came out differently. In any case, so what’s going on? Well, I spent more than I intended to this month. I mean, just because the car is finally officially paid off (yay!), That doesn’t mean I should have gone out and spent more than a month car payment to celebrate. Of course if you were reading, you know that I went out to spend that because I impulsively jumped at the idea of moving to a new place, and certainly I would need a lot of new stuff right? Ha ha.

Actually I have so much stuff in storage down here, and up north, that I could fill a 3500 square-foot house and a three car garage I am still probably need a storage unit LOL. Somehow that’s not funny unless you have the money LOL. That last laugh was that the rhyme was not intentional of course. So I spent too much money and the savings went down big time for the first time in a long time. Hopefully by the end of this month, which has three checks in it, savings will be back closer to where it was and I will take building it back up or seriously again.

I also pigged out tonight. I would not have pigged out tonight if I didn’t have to go to the bank. Seriously I would’ve just come back here, drink a protein drink, maybe have a little bit of snack, but low-calorie, and would have gone to sleep nice and early. Instead I drove out to the bank. And there I was in the car debating over whether I should get some food. I passed all the places that I would ordinarily stop. I almost made it back here. But I stopped at a store and bought three sausages. Some wurst and Weiss worst or something like that. Alas I ate all three with pasta no less! Oh dear yes it was a bad night.

I had to drive to the bank to get rent money. Remind myself that I’m still paying someone else rent especially in this situation where I’m basically paying the mortgage for someone else, frustrated me. All I had yesterday was a few protein drinks and all I had today was two protein drinks so there was hunger involved as well, but the emo eating got the best of me. That sort of eating is what got me so fat in the first place. Although my level of fat was not nearly as obese as the average American is. Still I do not want to go back above 180 and I am at 180 and so it is a week of discipline and willpower and protein shakes please.

What else is new?

I keep playing the games, Fishdom, ToonBlast, and some other game that is kind of like Fishdom, but much easier. There are other games too but I don’t play those as much, card games solitaire and spades, it may be another one or two that I don’t play enough to even remember, but it’s the Fishdom and ToonBlast that get my attention most. They have been keeping me awake past midnight a lot lately, which isn’t the best thing for me. Being overtired leads to lower will power lower metabolism and weight gain. So one of these is being overtired leads to lower will power lower metabolism and weight gain. So one of these nights I better change that habit. Hopefully tomorrow night.

Talk to text is more repetitive than I am.

I have not been talking to text or writing a whole lot the past few days. The loneliness eats away at the creativity. The phone stopped recording what I’m saying. Then suddenly a few dozen words burst out onto the screen. Another way of distracting me, naturally. Anyway, I miss myself.

I miss you too, even if I don’t know you.

I was of you I do now, I miss even more. Is that an LOL? I don’t know, I’m trying not to think too much these days. Hence the games. I guess what I miss most is (drumroll?) Love. Interesting how text was capitalize there. I did not say capital L or Capitol love. But maybe the talk to text is getting to know me. Getting to know all about me? LOL

Oh, how I long to sing that song with someone again someday.

I miss singing to you. I miss singing to you? Well maybe. I miss having someone ask me to sing and want to listen. I never really had enough of that in this life. I don’t know why. For the most part it was my choice, but those closest to me in this life did not nurture my creativity. Most ignored it. Almost as if they didn’t want me to explore. Makes me sad. I wonder if it was the girl. Or maybe they just didn’t care. A lot of people didn’t care and just took advantage of my generosity and kindness in this life. Maybe that’s how I set it up because I didn’t trust anyone from day one. Can a baby be born not trusting anyone? Can I child decide that he will live a life of being betrayed?

I mean being betrayed by others.

I suppose expectation could do that. Self-fulfilling, and all. In many ways I know I set it all up. If you’re interested I’ll try to explain that someday. But for now all we can do is wait and hope and keep the door open. Believing the one is out there is not an easy as it used to be.

Where are the Moody blues when I would like to listen and produce very positive hopefulness? And Elton John and Bernie Taliban. Oh dear, LOL? Yes well I don’t think the open road with burning Caliban but you never know LOL. Open has a good sense of humor hopefully he’s laughing too. Ummmm, Elton and Bernie, not Open and Taliban. Talk to text is sick tonight.

Anyway the hopefulness sometimes wanes these days but somehow it still there and I have no idea why LOL.
All I ever wanted was the one
I know you’re out there somewhere
Someone saved my life tonight?
I know I can be saved by the Music one more time.

But it’s true, all I ever wanted was to love and be loved. I give up everything more than once in the home but that would really happen and be permanent, unconditional, and all encompassing. Didn’t work. But I’ll try it again in a minute, I’m moment, faster than Matt even, given the opportunity. I suppose that attracts the greedy, but maybe, and the users. There sure are a lot of them out there.

Did you ever fall in love and give it all?
Were you ever so happy you could die?
But all you wanted to do was live another day
With the one who made you feel that way.

I’ve been blessed to feel that way more than once in this life more to it too

Remember those moments that felt like forever
Those times when emotions are so strong
Just swept you off your feet or froze you in your tracks
Those moments are where you belong

Remember those moments that meant everything
Those times you never wanted to end
May you be blessed with remembering
And sharing those times with a friend

For whatever life is
Whatever we do
The meaning is what makes us smile

So give it your all
Whether you fly or fall
and please stop changing that dial

It’s your life you should be watching
Your life you should be living
you are the star of your show

So fill it with the motion
The promise and devotion
Plant your seed and then help it grow

So is that what I do here with all these words? Am I planting my seeds and by continuing, by posting on the web, by hoping someone will care, I am - by caring myself. Is this how I plant my seed and help it grow? Perhaps. I do you call all these words written gardens after all.

I hear noises outside. Some kids on a minibike having fun. I'll pause here for refreshements...

Narf :)