Why?

Sometimes I wonder why I bother to continue caring. Does it really matter to anyone? I don’t even know if that’s a question anymore. I continue to go out and do my part, I give everything I can, I still haven't found what I’m looking for. Honesty. Openness. Kindness. Generosity. Innocence.

Hi table. Hi table? I have no idea.

I give all that I have and they sent me why they stay away. I sense this year. Everyone is so afraid of anything insecurity condition., I experience it. Are usually don’t let it dominate my decision. I know. Maybe that’s the way to. Oh way. Way closer to me.

What the heck did talk to text take down?

I must valves signals energy near me if they are too afraid to be honest and open. The strange thing is, Most time with have very serious here and narrow perspective issues. I just can’t drink anything about it other than. Close by. I see no point in arguing with a close by.

I see no point in arguing with a closed mind.

Talk to text in the car is probably as bad as anywhere else. I wonder what the text looks like once I look at it. I may be wasting my time if I can’t figure out what the talk text Mike.

Frustration is high at this moment. I just got through playing two softball games. We surprisingly one the first in spite of many errors. The other team made enough hours for us to win. Second game we made even more errors and it was a blowout for the other team. My frustration is coming not so much from the errors though the errors are simply not paying attention not concentrating on not caring about what they do with the ball. Simple small ground balls should not be today shirts or worse. But not bending over not reaching for the ball my clothes and gloves and then if they do get the ball not taking a moment to throw it with a shirt but rather cavalierly and in all directions giving the other team need more chance of running around the bases. That frustrates me. But what frustrates me more is that they do not listen to coaching.

Barber

Call bounces out of gloves. I say wait to get to it but let’s try to use two hands next time. Next time same player slabs at the ball with the glove and a ball bounces out again. I say you’re getting to it that’s good, but remember to use the second I am sure the ball doesn’t bounce out of the book. Next time slap a ball no second hand while bounces out above play or get angry throws the glove or snapped back at me. I say nothing. A little later I walk over and say hey don’t get mad at yourself just think about what you’re doing and try to remember to use both hands were catching the ball. No response at all. Not even I contact. That continued the entire afternoon but I stop talking.

I suppose I’m just not cut out to be a coach. Five cent think I have the personality. My preference is to focus on my job. When I can have a coach coaches a team and lets me sit and concentrate on the other teams batters so I know how to pitch to them well, I do better. And I guess I do better. And I definitely do not have patience for people who do not care and do not want to learn how to play. Laziness does not belong on the ball field. Can get someone Sirius Lee her. Heart. Search. Search. HURT search search search search search search

Hurts.

Talk to Tess and just not helping. I don’t need more frustration. I say hurt it says her. I say hurt it says heart. I say hurt it says search. Hurt

And I get back to the house and find AB sitting there in his underwear 2 feet in front of me 42 inch TV playing his video game as usual. He seems to be very addicted to it as he plays it every waking moment and doesn’t go out anymore. He made

He may be depressed since this started after he lost the election running for city commissioner. He does not seem to have much social life. He does not like to spend money. He plans on retiring when he’s 50. As large as he is in the way he eats and doesn’t exercise hopefully he makes it to 52. I am resisting the influence of his eating habits since I have very similar eating habits and could easily be as large as he is six if I did not have willpower and exercise it. It is very challenging at times especially when I am lonely and feeling sad about not having anyone in my life who cares about me on a daily basis. I don’t know what I can do to help them. I may be too vulnerable to get too close because of the similar eating habits especially. He eats pasta very frequently I have resisted pasta for months now although he cooks it here every week. He also cook steak and off a lot and mashed potatoes and while I don’t eat meat too often I still crave good steak and potatoes but even more especially hamburgers and hotdogs so the meat smell it’s also challenging. Still he’s a very nice guy and I wish you would take better care of himself and find a way to be healthier. As far as the constant video game playing, if that’s what he wants to do and it makes him happy then I have no problem with it and nor should I. It’s his house his living room his TV his life. I just feel sad when I see someone who is doing such an unhealthy job of living.

So I go play ball sadly because I start with Hope and enthusiasm and after a few innings I feel a little frustrated because you were saying mistakes are being made over and over in spite of my friendly positive coaching and then another game comes in the same mistakes are made over and over by the same people who are just simply ignoring me and showing they really don’t care and don’t want to do well. I don’t know why they’re out there. But anyway I leave frustrated with Softball also because the league is falling apart and mirrors no organization to bring any sort of camaraderie together. New paragraph

When I drive back here and on the way I reach out to people and they don’t ask how I’m doing even when they answer him seldom do I get much response but then again seldom do I reach out so it’s not fair to say I don’t get much response. It is fair to say they don’t ask anything about me. I don’t know why people don’t openly care about each other as much as they used to. But I have my group of people my friends close rooms family and I take care of them when they call me I need something and they do regularly. Still it makes me sad to feel so alone and have no one checking in on how I’m doing. And I get back here hungry and I find them sitting in front of the TV as I said and I am even hungrier but I resist the emotional hunger and I had to the gym.

I turn on the TV to watch some sports and I see an overtime game with the team I want to win making a good play getting the ball back and then missing a field goal and that team loses. When the next game between my want to win falls apart in the first half and I don’t even want to watch anymore. So football offers no positive distraction and in fact offers more first ration. Frustration. Still I did an hour on the elliptical machine at 5.85 mph and then did a little work with 10 pound weights just to loosen up my upper body. I really need to do more upper body work because I lost More muscle than I am tended to lose when I lost 50 pounds. I’m still hovering at 180 pounds which is very good in the sense that I am maintaining the weight loss and that can be as hard as losing weight. I still want to drop 10 more pounds so I really must redouble my efforts in that direction which one of these days. The gym is a major part of the next 10 pounds. Because if I lose the 10 pounds without working out I will still have more to lose and be much weaker.

I leave the gym feeling sad that I have no one to share the positive actions I am taking although I do text Jackson and she gives me a thumbs up on my text. I tried calling Harbor but her paw her poco Harpo and he’s not available but them he cares in a very selfish way unfortunately meaning very very well but that’s just him. He would rather tell someone what to do because he really needs to be in control rather than listening to someone. wonderful well intended heart. I don’t really feel like calling anyone else. Harpo at least provides distraction with some fun nonsense word games but there’s no one really listens and shares.

This is the life I live today. So I leave the gym and come back here and find AB sleeping as usual his afternoon to evening nap is a daily event. I would like to raise my energy level but in this environment it is almost no it is the antithesis of a healthy Energy level. So I turn on the TV and there is that game where the damn I’d like to see when is getting creamed. Are you some fat free cottage cheese which then brings my calorie count for today to her about 500 maybe 550. I am still hungry, naturally, but I must decide whether I want to start that 10 pound loss this week or whether I want to balance the emotional need for food with the body need for food. If I could cook something I would probably hurt myself a very lean cheeseburger with fat-free bread and fat free cheese. Or something similar. Unfortunately I don’t work in this space for Several reasons that I’ve discussed in previous blogs.

The title may be asking why I posted this.

Without editing.

Narf :)