Blur

As I scan through the notepad files I find so many words and wonder sometimes if I already uploaded the words somewhere, but here we are anyway even if it's a repeat because when nobody reads, nobody reads it twice, right? Except for you guys who find these inserted entries cuz you love me and just can't get enough, I know.

So tired, I can barely move. No less find humor. Apologies for the fatigue. And yet I want to reach out. I want to hold someone’s hand. I want to hug someone. I want to hello. Yes hello. Talk to text.

Another part of this talk to text thing is that it just keeps turning off over and over I can barely get a few lines out and it’s turning itself off. Most likely that has to do with memory. But it could be just limitations of the software. It’s just frustrating to have to stop for a space and press for your little microphone once again every few arms. Arms? Lines?

And then it doesn’t space after that pause. So it’s as if I never was doing it before the pause. Then it capitalizes the next word even when it was just part of the last sentence, but it doesn’t seem to have enough memory to remember the last sentence.

And it interrupts me so much, I forget why I came.

Sometimes.

Wish I had someone to hold me, someone to fold me into their arms. I wish I had someone to tell me what they are thinking, what if they are feeling, and show me all their charms. I can write songs about loneliness all night. What good are the words if no one reads the words I wrote. I wish I had someone to love me with all of their heart. That’s when the wishing would end and life would start.

I wish I had someone to talk and listen to every thing on my mind. I wish I had someone to reminisce with, who could be gentle and kind. Every moment I'm breathing, I am missing one person to share this life. So much I am seeing, so much I am feeling, but nothing to rhyme with my life. No one to rhyme with my life. I wish I had someone who cared about me so I can feel less alone. That is when all the wandering and searching would end and I would be home.

I just want someone wants me to love them, and someone who wants to love me. I asked for nothing but the simple pleasures that trust brings to reality. But it seems I ask for too much every time, all I ask for is honesty. Who is not afraid to share everything with me?

So another day. Another big meeting. It went OK but it could’ve gone better. I could’ve been better prepared, and motivation, and clearer, less tired, less blur. I left work a little early, but then I am answering emails on the phone here now so I didn’t actually stop working or have time for myself. What did I eat? I had two yogurts, two or three protein drinks, about 200 cal worth of fat free turkey, you some cottage cheese, and I think that’s it. Not giving in to the fatigue hunger, not giving in to the loneliness hunger, doing my best.

I remember a time when I weighed myself out in words. Weighed myself out in words. Laid yes.

Talk to text, sheesh.

Actually I have not weighed myself in a couple days.

But I do remember a time when I am laid myself out in words, exposing everything, beaming hope that someone would care would override any fear. Left-wing. Left King. What nonsense. Letting myself hope.

All in all, I think it is all rather pathetic. This life of long. Long anger. Long younger. Longing. Wow that took a while. Really interesting changes what is it doing, writing for me?

You move you can I’m feeling down. What?

Does anyone take everything seriously? How about you? How about me? Does anyone want to take this seriously? I’m hoping.

I’m going to try closing my eyes now and seeing what happens.

Narf :)