Wonderful Day

Just one sadness, but we'll not empower that, just focus on the wonderfulness. There are four entries in the brief daily blog that sum up the day and here, we shall elaborate on some more details (so read those four if you want to know what the details are about in case the details don't make complete sense without the basic telling of the day, m'ok?).

You may recall, if you are the diligent sort and read yesterday's entry, that, as my T-Shirt says, home is where the wifi is. I am making myself at home in my new home, lavishing the word home on it with great relish, if not a little fanfare. It is wonderful to have a home again after living like a refugee for almost three years and feeling quite homeless, even though I did have a room and a small box to sleep in.

This 2000 square foot home has so much space and there's so little in it. A couch, a matching chair and ottoman, and a cabinet in my living room (the couch and cabinet are supposed to move to the other living room any day now). A modest dining table, chairs, a china cabinets, are in the other living room now. I'm told the living room cabinet and the china cabinet are due to leave, the TV will be remounted on the wall of the other living room, and the couch will be moved in there as well (that is how the house was set up previously). I intend to put a recliner in my living room and down the road, new roommate said he wants one toowhich may go in here as I don't mind sharing. I may get a couch too. Being hopefully about continuing to live in a house, am I? You betcha I am. :)

Anyway, that's it outside of the bedrooms. So until the recliners and other couch is added, there's a whole lot of space. I may even have a game night or dinner once I get a table and chairs for guest to eat and play at. Maybe even have a party down the road. First, however, comes the unpacking, the moving, in, and the getting to know you phase with the new roommate.

So as I said in the first of the four briefer entries I wrote today, I slept on the couch and pillows last night, so I must be comfortable here sleeping on his couch and the floor of my bedroom. No bites that I've noticed, so not little biting critters, which is good news. There appears to be a new laptop on the couch tonight even though new roommate didn't spend any time in here. He left the TV on pause when we left to pic up the last of the storage stuff and it remains on pause now as he went into his room to rest, nap, and watched TV in his room after we got back.

I'll do my best not to read anything negative into him retiring to his bedroom the last two evenings or anything intentional in the placement of the laptop (he may not even know I slept on the couch as he was asleep when I moved from the chair to the couch to watch V and he was asleep when I woke around 5AM to head into my room. The hour was another reason I didn't blow up the air mattress, but it was so flat and compressed, I figured who blow it up again just for another few hours when I had all the pillows. Yes, seven pillows and more to come.

Yes, I like pillows. I like to be cushioned on all sides and use one between my knees. When I don't my upper outside quad can ache a bit until I walk around. It also keeps my spine aligned when I roll onto my side. There was a time I slept flat on my back without any pillows and barely moved all night. People used yo wonder if I died in my sleep when I was younger. Since getting on the diuretic (and perhaps aging and caving into emo-weakness or something like that), I find I prefer the side. I know I lose alignment and therein awareness and life by doing that, but that's life as a human these days even as I resisted on so many levels for so long. If you are not following, you may need to start at the beginning (and that link is not actually the earliest writing online and the earliest writing online is certainly not the beginning by a long shot, but it is a very good place to start even if any relation to whatever this paragraph may be about is nowhere to be found by the normal human eye in the babble that ensues should you click on the link.

What?

As noted in the second entry of the day, the new roommate has shown compatibility which is a wonderful plus that adds comfort and friendliness and positivity and potential to this new home. Neither of us particularly like or have any need for religion. We both regularly avoid the news and share similar disgust for the politicians in power today. Sharing expenses and space is preferred by both of us and he seems to be an honest person. We also share similar taste in music, though I likely have a much wider range. He doesn't know Harry and may not enjoy the emo as much as I do, but he does like Pink Floyd and Radiohead and Counting Crows and many others really like too. He also lost about the same number of pounds I did this year and needs to buy new clothes. Coincidences are wonderful when meeting someone walking a similar path for similar reasons with similar views.

Dinner was the sub from Firehouse for him, hot turkey, I believe. It smelled great in the truck. For me, a bit more cooking involved. Take out from Toojays was a stuffed cabbage, three small potato pancakes, and whitefish salad. I remembered that Toojays stuffed cabbage is often drier than I prefer and they don't put much sauce on it, so I asked for extra sauce. Then, slicing it open, I added the extra tomato sauce, onion dressing, vegetable spread, and ketchup. I sprayed the potato pancakes with vegetable oil after sprinkling them wit a bit of bacon powder. Broiled at 380 (though put them in when I turned on the oven so cooking times and temperature may vary lol) for thirty minutes (25 would have been better, but no major burning and seriously yummy). The whitefish salad was just as yummy, so celebratory dinner happened and then... Jeremiahs happened. I bought a medium size of chocolate, cherry, and pistachio and basked in the sugar euphoria of heaven on ice.

Or something like that.

Forget about the calories, starting January 2nd I cut back to under 1000 calories a day for the rest of the month, mostly. The goal of being under 170 pounds is not gone, it just went on hiatus for the holidays. I still am not tugging on and feel most comfortable in the 34 inch waist pant. Tomorrow I will be wearing the 36 inch waist pants because they are the clean ones I found most easily tonight and we shall see just how baggy they feel.

So as the third entry of the day pointed out, the first phase of the move is done. Everything has been transported to this new home. The second sage, the unpacking and moving in, began in earnest tonight. I wanted to share the excitement so I texted the text group and a few people (Tinman was one) sent positive words. I texted others too. Everyone responded positively except Jackson (the sad note mentioned at the start of this entry... let it go). Harpo called to set up his annual minute-after-midnight party and Tinman sent a text to the text group to let them know. Most may be asleep, but we shall see. Helen called and shared in the excitement of the unpacking for a while.

I hope Jackson is not guilt tripping or hurting. It is very strange that she is not communicating more at this most exciting and positive time of these last three years. I am doing my best to not hear the song it seems you only love me when it rains that may be playing somewhere in my mind. I just hope this move and my excitement is not in any way reason for her going silent. The wondering hurts, being an empath, but I am sadly very used to the people who matter most ignoring my highest highs. I can only accept the obvious fact that I don't understand the human concept of family and appreciate whatever I do receive.

So much for not going there.

The shower was wonderful, though I did not take complete advantage of the hotness of the water and I did not make the bathroom my own just yet. One step at a time. The hours pass, I have work in the morning, and I definitely needed a shower. The new Waterpik dual action variable power massaging shower head was worth the price. The only flaw is the grip, all chrome. grips for large sower heads should be part rubber and ribbed. Still, the luxury of hot water and cleanliness and comfort and privacy, amazing even in the cramped space (narrow tub) and I shall make it my home this week.

For now, I really must get to bed. My bed. Fresh linens. What am I doing here sitting up and writing? lol.

More tomorrow, for now... it's a wonderful life and may you feel it too. :)

Narf :)

Dancing With Joy

Yes, the head will touch the pillow in a new place tonight and the challenges of space, cleanliness, and all the other things I do not need to remember in detail (at least not while I am celebrating) are gone. Wonder of wonders, but it really was no miracle, it was just patience and good timing. Three years of waiting was hopefully worth it. Time will tell, but the first day and evening is going very well since I am watching his TV in my living room (he hasn't moved anything to his side of the house yet) and I found one of my favorite shows that I ave not seen in at least two years.

Orphan Black is simply a m a z i n g fun. I'll be typing and celebrating in words for a while, so I will watch all of these again, but for now, I listen and glance up and enjoy the wonder of multiple personality clones. Big fan here. Tatiana Maslany is a m a z i n g ! (yes, exclamation point).

So here I sit in the living room, my living room in the two living room house, in my comfy desk chair (until I go out and buy a recliner), legs up on a pillow that sits on a box at the right level (the ottoman needs cleaning, sanitizing, and possibly discarding after years in storage). One folding table sits to my left with snacks (chocolate chip cookies and cream filled pastries) and a drink (chocolate milk). Another folding table sits to my right where the laptop will go when I want to get up. The iPhone is snuggled up tucked in it's phone stand on the lapdesk where it is also charging, the lapdesk light illuminates the keyboard, and as I may have mentioned casually above, the TV is playing season 3 of Orphan Blank, finally, catching up I've been waiting for begins.

For your reading pleasure, I will be typing and celebrating in words (as I mentioned above), at least until by butt says I should get off it. I don't mean that to be a double entendre, by the way. Moving right along, this Saturday night is a wonderful night to be eating the yummy extra cheese pizza I cooked up as the first meal here. Granted, it was a Digiorno base, defrosted, with two kinds of meatballs (bacon and veal) and a bit of extra tomato sauce (onion garlic) and multiple cheeses (mozzarella, five cheese Italian blend, and grazed parmesan) with some extra seasoning (garlic, bacon) and baked 30-35 minutes at 380 on an aluminum pizza tray. Yummy, seriously, and it will be reheated too. Cooking (sort of), amazing, huh?

More amazing in the moment is the new space itself. Far from perfect (let me count the flaws... oven and fridge are in desperate need of cleaning, kitchen sink does not have enough water pressure to wash a dish, bathroom, living room, kitchen cbinets, hallway closet, and kitchen pantry closet have not made room for me yet... and he asked about rent today. I wonder if my spaces will be mine come the first of the month or if I'll have to clear the spaces and move his stuff out myself like I've been doing in the half of the garage that is mine... ah, but the pro so override the cons and I won't be fulling moved in until tomorrow and I technically am not paying rent until, well, I'll stop at the bank and give him rent tomorrow and see if that accelerates the shift of space a bit more... could be he's just being lazy and procrastinating and there's no intention of bogarting space and not sharing the house as he said he would), but still so much better than the last space it is wonderful.

After all, the new roommate, who still doesn't have a blog name (in case you didn't notice), helped move the last of the stuff out of Eb's place this morning, so he's followed through on that one at least. I'm probably just being impatient because I am so excited to have space again. I sorted the stuff a bit and then as I said above (am I getting repetitive?... probably because I am pausing a lot to watch and listen to the TV show I mentioned a couple of times, cooked up a meatball pizza. A fifteen minute trip to the neighborhood Walmart that is a minute drive around the corner for extra cheese and impulsive desserts (I do believe I mentioned those above to lol) and chocolate milk and what a yummy (high calorie) pizza meal (and desserts, did I mention desserts?0 I made in a clean over in a clean kitchen in a clean house.

Yessiree Bob, I am enjoying the luxury of the space by just vegging here tonight. I should put the shower head I bought on the shower and use it tonight. Building the bathroom will definitely mean getting an over the toilet tank shelf unit cuz the bathroom is tiny. Once he gets his stuff out of there, I'll unpack a box for under the sink stuff and finally put my soaps and bathroom stuff in the bathroom. Did I mention he's a smoker? Outside, apparently. I haven't smelled tobacco in the house or in the garage and hopefully that won't change or I'll just have to start farting more lol. Hey, we all have our vices. Mine, though, it a health issue I have less control over than smokers do theirs. I think I've been avoiding this. I've written off every profile that said "outsde smoking ok" . I'll move some stuff into the front hallway closet as soon as he empties that. Tomorrow, new roommate helps move the stuff from storage in here and I start building the bedroom around the actual bed. Then, I shop for a recliner and build the living room around that, as soon as he moves his stuff into the other living room.

So not perfect, potential challenges, but think positive and enjoy this perfectly wonderful tonight.

The cat wants attention.

I'm back. Poor cat can't figure out how to climb up on the reclining desk chair I sit on and the pillow on a box ottoman is too wobbly for her, so she laid at my feet a while and then moved back to the ottoman she apparently likes. Meanwhile, I made heated up some pizza and enjoyed it with chocolate milk, followed by more dessert. Did I mention I also impulsively bought chocolate whipped cream? Oh yeah, I splurged on the calories tonight.

The new roommate went out for the evening and returned with a friend. They went into his room to hang out and went outside several times to smoke cigarettes. I Still didn't smell it in the house, I think. I wonder what he does on rainy days or nights. Anyway, I reminded him he is free to change the channel several times and offered them pizza and dessert, but they didn't partake of anything. Not sure if they just wanted privacy or if I was in the way. When he walked her out, she didn't look at me as I waved, so I don't know how to read that. I encouraged him to turn on anything he wanted to watch again and he said he will. I did not retire to my room because this is supposed to be my living room, after all.

So anyway back to my celebration.

As symbolic as it is real, I changed the home address in the iPhone and maps will no longer take me to that tiny little dirty place I could not call home without gagging. Love your heart Eb, but you really don't know how to share space. Or be clean. Anyway, This is home now. Changing the phone was seriously emo. I sit here basking in the space, vegging because I want to take the move in slow so I don't rush the new roommate. The next big step will be the shower.

Orphan Black continues on the TV.

Did I mention the first poop happened already? That is a sure sign of comfort. It flowed smoothly after almost being a stain in the underwear, but it wasn't. I was surprised there was no pain or strain after the pizza and chocolates and milk, but it seems that I've found the balance of laxatives. I forgot how much gas I pass after pigging out and taking the laxatives. Luckily I have my Fabreze nearby lol. The cat is curled up and sleeping a few feet away on the ottoman again. Relaxing in a comfortable clean spacious living seems to be having a jovial effect on my affect. So new home, first time I feel at home at all in almost two years, maybe three years. Bed, recliner, unpacking, and moving in still to come. Baby steps can be such big changes :)

Narf :)

Moving Day Approacheth

I would be asleep by now, but I was waylaid by Harpo, so the last to hours of packing up the last of the stuff here at Eb's didn't happen until after midnight. The only things not packed up are this computer and the table is sits on, the air mattress, and the food in the fridge. I forgot the coolers the past few days, so I may just put all the food into the last plastic box and with the ice packs it should be fine for the fifteen minutes (10-12 according to google) to the new place. Heck, the stuff makes it further from the supermarket to here in plastic bags without ice packs, after all. I am tired, but excited. The only queasy is the uncertainty of where I am sleeping tomorrow. I suppose I should just make the decision to flatten the air mattress in the morning and move out of here completely. If new roommate has an issue with me moving in two nights before the technical start of the month, well, I'd rather not think about living with someone like that. I kind of already do (Eb asked when I am moving out as if I should be gone already just because I said I might be out before the end of the month. I still think I gave him a month's deposit, but he says no and I buried the lease in a box somewhere... if I find it and he owes me the deposit back he will not be a happy camper, but then, he ought to know). I am obviously a bit irritated with "landlords" and the fact that new roommate still hasn't moved his stuff out of my bedroom closet, my hall closet, my bathroom cabinets, or any kitchen cabinets or space. I guess I'll just move his stuff out of the way and see if that's a problem for him. It didn't seem to be in the garage, but still, I shouldn't have to move his stuff out of my space. I give and want respect for space and stuff and he seems ambivalent, but hopefully we will find a balance once I am in there. Be honest, be real, tell each other how you feel.

One concern is his eight year old daughter who may be challenged by mommy and daddy living in separate houses and mommy sleeping with a new "daddy." Daddy being depressed doesn't help matters, but she came to stay over tonight and her toothbrush was in my bathroom, so he hasn't introduced the idea that daddy's bathroom is her bathroom now and that means my moving in displaces her, rather than getting her used to it before I move in. I really don't want to move her stuff from the bathroom, but I really do not want to share a bathroom, especially one as small as this one is. Since her bedroom door is two feet from my bathroom, I can see some awkward moments if I have to be the one to boot her out of there. Having to be dressed to go to the bathroom is one of the things I am compromising big time on. Having even less privacy when I need to use the bathroom just isn't what we agreed to. He's a trusting dad I suppose. I don't know if I'd so easily trust a strange man sleeping closer to my eight year old daughter than I do. Bathing five feet from her bed in the bathroom she's called hers when she wakes up and has to walk a lot futher. I guess he sees the best in people so I should like that cuz I used to be like that, but I've gotten so cynical in recent years.

Maybe living with a family of sad somewhat broken hearts who could benefit from positive energy will bring out mine again. There's always hope. :)

Middle of the night rambling is rather revealing, no doubt. Truth is my way. I mean no offense, I just want to figure out the best courses of action for everything I do with others and expressing the joys and frustrations f life in words is my way of doing that even when I have a partner in life, but being without said partner, words are all I have (queue BeeGees) :)

Honesty... it's the way to truth which is the way to peace and happiness.

Ignorance is only bliss on the surface. It is deadly inside.

So why haven't I gotten to the gym in a week plus?

Come on, someone point out my mistakes.

That's what friends are for.

In case it matters.

Narf :)

I Will Not Go Quietly

There is truth and profundity all through the blogs, even if most of it is tongue and cheek or semi-intentionally obscured by random tangients and asides. I will not go quietly into the night of the ignorance and stupidity chosen by most people as the norm for themselves and humanity. Remembering, for better or worse, a time when I was nearing the end (and yes, pretty nigh on to wasted as Eric sang), but for reasons we may never know, I returned to the point of the two entries linked here, just over a two year journey in time, and even updated those entries ever so slightly because typos said so) and who knew this little laptop (like the little engine that could, only with a lot more obstacles, frustrations, and complaints due to Lenovo and Microsoft greed, poor planning, fraud, and mismanagement, but that's another long tale of woe oft mentioned, poorly tech supported, and never resolved) would still be here churning out entries after two years.

Whatever are we rambling on about, aye?

Well, if you clicked on the three links above and the several entries between the first and the last, you may have a clue and if you don't choose to be clueless (even if most people in the world do, then maybe we are close to being on the same page... peer pressure is a bitch, isn't it?). Decembers are so often months of traumatic upheavals and scarcity for some and joy and plenty for others. The rampant ignorance chosen by most when it comes to the pathetic dichotomy of life as a human seldom ceases to amaze me, even as I too become complacent.

Last night I saw a fairly well dressed obese woman and child outside of a upper-middle class supermarket in a upscale neighborhood with sign asking for money to help with her kid's Xmas. As jaded as I have become, the image startled me and I am puzzled at the memory as I do not recall exactly what the sign said but the image stuck. They obviously have enough money for decent quality warm clothing and enough food to be quite fat, fatter than Trump, even, but there they are begging. What a wonderful country we live in today.

Canada is too cold, Northern Australia would be an option to try, but national border red tape, money, and staying close to Jackson are reasons to remain where I am in this world. Even eliminating two of the three, the third is not something I can change enough to make it happen. So anyone who flippantly (or angrily) popped off with "love it or leave it" mostly likely has no clue of what they, or I, am talking about, which would be typical for the ignorance chosen by most in this country today.

So I rolled the dice (back to the initial thread of this entry after the pathos and stupidity and news of the world so rudely interrupted, for example), and here we are, more than two years later, lost in another December of frolic and folly. If we look back closer to the precise two year mark (or one, for that matter), we can find similar despair (and distractions, no doubt) in the entries over the past month or so (choose from many, but ok, maybe not this bad, sheesh), especially before the new place to live was found and the slow drag of the move with the new propane risk, I mean, it's always something, right Rozanne? Actually, the move is probably what is bringing on this slight retrospection, in fact, in case it matters or you wondered or something. We coulda been contenders, ya know?

Anyway, it you follow the links (what links, aye?) within the links to blogs seldom visited, you will always find the hope that lives even in the deepest despair, even if it's many links deep, if you want to. Memories hold the wonderland that keeps me sane and hopeful. There is life, there is hope and considering the random anniversary of this entry alone two years, we've come a long way.

And who knows where the road (or links) might take us next, aye? :)

Sometimes, the dream is expressed in the song that comes fro the journey through retrospection and we can just say wow on our minds as hope soars as we listen and learn.

and even if I like Karen's version a whole lot better than this, in my journey today I find new singers to love...



I will find time to check her out more (especially when I am in a jazzy bluesy mood... first impression, cool, but she needs to get off her high heals and let the music move her more.... jazz is not supposed to be stiff. Everybody's a critic, ya know?) :)

Did someone say next?

Yes, well, if we follow the path this entry is semi-obviously on, we find that as this daily babbling blog comes upon the turn of it's third new year (really?... three years have passe since this latest merry go round of living like a refugee started? What a life, aye? lol. Anyway, two years ago this week another major change came around as I interviewed for the current job I am enjoying and this week I prepare for the move into the new space with a new roommate and in many ways, another new chapter of life.

And the excitement continues to build, no doubt (again) :)

So even as this computer threatens to crash (due to Lenovo-Microsoft greed and failures) and I just shut down most of the tabs which stops (or at least drastically alters and shortens) the journey this was on, it's a good day.

Heck, I've been linking the brief blog, anyway, and I didn't even get to begin retrospecting this babbling blog you are reading.

Maybe later lol. Time to get some moving done.

Narf :)

Sit Back, Relax, Write

But first, a brief game.

tic...tic...tic...

go get a refreshment or something,

I'll be right with you...

tic... tic... tic...

And now, on with the show. The wisdom was strong in this one tonight as the body awakened the mind (as it is apt to do when the mind stops making stupid decisions) and here we are ready for bear. Bare too. If only it was not below 60 degrees outside and almost 60 degrees inside... and I lived with nudists... or the human race as not so afraid of their bodies... or an intelligent species, for that matter... but I digress...

There is a tickle in my throat causing an occasional cough. 100 ounces of water coupled with a chill after serious exercise in a few hours can do that, among other things. The feet rest under an electric blanket, the body is wrapped in a thick robe, and the process continues.

If you don't know the process, you've not read the right entries. Rather than take the time to find them and link them here, I'll suggest you search for the following key words in the the dailies found on this page and read to your heart's content. If you care (or are curious) enough to want to know.

Other key words of note are secret, secrets, hope, or more specifically "there's always hope" and if you have the time, moody, harry, song, music, sing, and perhaps even mila, but they may get less specific and more elusive with each word. Spend a day or few clicking links and reading and you never know what rabbit hole you might fall into in this wonderland of words aka the written gardens.

Discomforts distract, yet the mood is so high thanks to the exercise (body blog for those details). An immediate remedy for one distraction, feeling chilled, was just initiated and hopefully it will work shortly. The long term remedy is in progress, however slowly, and will be completed by the end of the month. Much rejoicing will occur, in spite of the new challenges and distractions awaiting at the solution. Or remedy.

An immediate remedy for the other primary distraction, the asshole, has been initiated but does not seem to be working as well as it has in the past and that could be a result of the exercise, especially since I did not shower today and I still pushed the exercise (and perspiration) hard and I am sitting up (perhaps too much lately). I did shower tonight in spite of the chill, but perhaps laying down is needed too.

Then, however, the talk-to-text distraction will rise up and consume whatever threads of thought there might be forming in my slowly no longer reawakened brain. Ah, the challenges of life do undermine the profundity of understanding sometimes (often, in fact... looks like all the time for most, but we don't have to go there tonight in spite of checking out at least twenty minutes of Fox News earlier... I wanted to be fair and balanced and had watched about twenty minutes of MSNBC just before... scrolling through stations at the gym presented the opportunity and Rachel had the constitution on the screen, so I paused to listen... and we are surprised someone who refuses to show his tax returns has a lawyer receiving multiple indictments for tax fraud (not that most of the other politicians aren't likely doing the same or similar things, or would if they could)... I'm still waiting for him to walk down fifth avenue with a gun... as I said, all the time for most, but we don't have to go there tonight... god is funny lol).

Sleep, return, later.

Narf :)

No Sleep, No Radio

Once again I am not sleeping. The goal of getting to the gym today did not happen again tonight, or last night now that morning approaches. I didn’t have a change of clothes and didn’t feel like going here and back. So I said to myself I’ll take a change of clothes tomorrow. But here I am middle of the night and if I’m lucky I’ll get four hours sleep and more caffeine tomorrow. I’ve started drinking coffee again. That’s not good for the work out. This is all in my head of course. Bad cycle.

At least I’ve cut back on calories seriously the past three days. I’ll need to do it for at least two weeks to get back into the 170s I think. We shall see. I might get on the scale tomorrow morning. Or even sooner.

I used to come here to babble on until I got to the bottom line, some profound understanding of the human condition, or at least my condition. Instead, I sit here under an electric blanket with four layers of clothes, a heavy robe, and gloves on wondering just why I let myself slide into this near homeless state once again. Part of me still hears a voice in my head saying if nobody else cares what happens to me, why should I? and the validity in that thought is what's the point of living without sharing.

The no partner blues sing out again.

Still, there is just as much (if not more) validity in he logic that not caring is a self-fulfilling prophesy loop. If nobody cares, why should I can be flipped to if I don't care, why should anybody else?. Somebody must start the caring cycle and welcome to my world where I just keep going (never give up, never surrender) beating the drums (or heartbeats) of caring like the energizer bunny.

Even if nobody else ever does, at least I did.

Promises were made, after all.

Narf :)

Choices Sometimes Suck

Tomorrow I hope to stop by the new place and give him the deposit and start moving stuff there. Without heat here, Shane the Insane (new nickname he just earned) bought an indoor propane heater. I don't think they are safe and so at 4 AM tonight I am still awake because I don't want to die of CO or CO2 poisoning in my sleep. I face my fears head on with completely open honesty. That's how I've lived happily for this long.

It would be funny if this was a sit com, someone dumb enough to burn a propane heater indoors. I don't care what it says on the box about being indoor safe, it's not designed to be a permanent heat source indoors and it can malfunction.

So anyway, I opened the window in my bedroom so I will have fresh air. Cold, but fresh. Stupid situation I've gotten myself into, but at least I have a way out and I should live through the night.
Trying to laugh it off.

I really do need some sleep. I have a lot of driving tomorrow and falling asleep at the wheel would not be a very good safety example for a safety officer. That's my humor, sue me (strange tongue-sticking-out bug-eyed smiley face, ya know?) Yes, I opened the window because, I mean, can you imagine the headline> County Safety Officer dies from carbon monoxide from an unvented indoor propane heater.

Ok, so maybe the propane risk is scary, but if we do not face our fears, we are victims of the mistakes they lead us to. If we do not face our fears, we give them more power and makes them more challenging to overcome. If we do not overcome our fears, we live and die afraid and diminish everything we could do. Fear prevents us from seeing clearly and making the best decisions.

So face your fears or fail.

The question is simple, do you want to fail?

I do not want to fail.

That is a simple choice.

If you hide your fears, you stop being honest with yourself.

If you are not honest with yourself, you are choosing failure.

It really is that simple.

I don't know anyone who truly actualizes this understand, but that doesn't change it's truth.

I keeping hoping there must be some who do.

I want you to, but that is your decision.

If you read this far, maybe you will.

It is your choice.

Narf :)

Almost Champions

The umpire took away the chance we might have had by letting the team that was ahead interrupt our rally with unsportsmanlike conduct and worse, the umpirse did not stop the clock so time ran out.

Alas, the umpire was not on his game tonight, which happens sometimes to the older umpires who like things get personal power trippy. He squeezed the strike zone and acted like he didn't want to be there as the night wore on (we were running more than an hour late on a Monday night after all. So who could blame him (I wil, I will lol), it rained on and off all evening and there was a rain delay and the last game, our game, started more than a half hour late. We were not going to be done until well after 10 PM when the games are scheduled to be over at 9:30 PM. So he wasn't as friendly as he can be sometimes and he was moody and ended up pissy. Everybody has a bad day.

But.

When you are an umpire you can't let your bad day decide a game's outcome.

Especially when the season championship was being decided on the field this night.

He was very chatty with a couple of the other team players to the point where I asked if we could play the game a couple of times since I was standing on the pitcher's mound waiting for their chat to end. The other team was hot and dominated for the first few innings taking a 16-3 lead. By the way he was making calls, you could tell the umpire wanted to get going and let the game end early. Then, we started coming back, which extended the game.

After we scored 9 runs and made it 16-14 with two on and the go-ahead run at the plate, he said he heard one of the other team's players say something they shouldn't have said and he started arguing with the player (who was sitting in the stands). After a minute or so, he threw the player out. Meanwhile, the clock is still moving. The umpire stood with his back to the field arguing with the player another couple of minutes until the player finally left the field area. Earlier, the other umpire was chatting with the other teams infield at the pitcher's mound and delayed the game even further and at one point he calling a "no pitch" when I pitched a strike because he was not in position. When their pitcher fast-pitched the ball, the umpire covered for him.

Anyway, after the five minute delay with runners on and the batter still in the batters box, by then, our momentum was cold and the batter popped out. We went out to take the field and the umpire, who was talking to the players on the other team with his back to the field again, turned and said time expired. We asked why he was rewarding the team for delaying the game and he had no answer. After several of our players challenged him and told him you just wanted to go home and cheated us, he said the clock had run out before he threw the player out. We asked why he didn't do what umpires always do, which is tell both teams time expired and finish the inning and he had no answer, he just walked away. He was obviously flustered and blew it.

We were tied for first place with that team and had beaten them by one run in the previous game against them. We were rallying and as the home team, set up for a big win. The other team found a way to stop us by manipulating the umpire and the umpire went along with it, probably without even realizing he was being manipulated.

That gives them the regular season championship.

What a way to win, let the winning team delay the game by pissing off the umpire when the other team was mounting a big come back rally and flustering the umpire so much he let them run out the clock. The bottom of the barrel umpires can be found at Seminole Softball Complex in Seminole County, Florida on Monday nights.

Frank, you blew it.

Narf!

So Lonesome I Could...

Sometimes, it’s been rare, but today is one of those days. The whippoorwills, if you recall. So lonesome I could cry. Die? Not yet. Though I must ask myself... where are those tears that are usually falling from my eyes? Obviously not feeling, but hopefully not quite dead yet. I’m quite used to being alone in this life, always have been since my first memories. The combination of changes and challenges piling on in recent years and most especially in the past week or so have me simply wanting someone to care. Someone to listen. Someone to share. And I must face the cold hard truth, the realization that I don’t have anyone in my life who is willing to do that. That is the sadness.

My independence doesn’t let this feeling get too awful, but it's gosh darn near awful at the moment. Even without feeling it all. I have not allowed myself to e emotionally vulnerable in a very long time. I wonder if I ever will again. It has never gone well when I have. Too many needy people, greedy people, insecure people, users and abusers. Where is the one that I can depend on?

I really don’t need anything for anybody outside of myself. But every now and then, like right about now, I want someone to share so much that was realizing I have no one to care about me hurts.

I texted three longs text to Jackson she said "sorry". Woman of few words (one word, many emoji's and image-memes). I asked her how she was doing she didn’t respond. I was just looking for some human contact, some distraction in conversation, something to show me that all the years I’ve lived and given to people left some impression that matters.

I was supposed to go to dinner with Helen, but she is having some challenges herself so she cancelled. That’s actually perfect, because the last thing I need to do to this body is put more food in it today. She called, so at least I had a voice on a phone, but she doesn’t listen well too often. She told me about her challenges and then sort of listening to mine a little, but didn’t have time to talk.

It is not easy to face the fact that that if I died right now no one would notice.

I am tired of always being the one who initiates sharing/caring.

This stupid self pity party is no fun today.

No one wants to spend time with me and it’s been that way for a while. I have not had someone who simply want to spend a day with me in many years. Definitely doesn’t do much for self-worth.

Still, I can find a way to have some fun even if it's just playing a video game in bed by myself. The child learned to amuse me at a very early age and that's kept me happy throughout this life. Lonely, but happy.

Still, loneliness can damen my happiness so I drowned my sorrows in yesterday's pizza and let the chips fall where they may.

Or something like that.

Your move.

Narf :)

Possible New Roommate, Possible Senility

So I woke around noon and watched a little TV, I think, and wandered on to Facebook finding a rich vein of photos (memes too) that I shared on some of my pages and saved for future sharing. That passed time until I showered and headed to the new potential roommate and we talked for a couple of hours. Yes, we found things to talk about and he's someone I could live with and the place is clean. There are definite personal comfort challenges for me though.

On the challenging side, the bedroom is small and right off the front door so it will be very cramped and not as private as I'd like. Actually, not private at all unless I am trapped in a tiny room with the door closed. Unless... I set up a desk and chair and recliner and TV in the living room. We'll get to that, there may be some compromises to adjust to some of the challenges.

Continuing with the challenges first though, the bathroom is across the living room and down a hall right outside the kids bedrooms. And very small as well. He tells me it will be my private bathroom, but still, a very awkward spot a foot from the kids bedrooms. Yes, two kids. You know I hate clothing and I'll need to be dressed going in and out which will be very inconvenience and definitely very bad if I have an emergency bathroom run, which does happen. Did I mention he has two kids in those two bedrooms, one being an eight year old girl, and I now have a need for several robes. Way too much clothing and nowhere to put it in the bathroom will require some installation of hooks and shelving I think. I may need to go outside to get to the garage, again, too much clothing, and did I mention that the living room is right off the front door so anyone entering or leaving the house will pass by my bedroom door and through that living room... door always closed in tiny room and no bathroom privacy.

Ok for a bedroom only, maybe, but not for a living-in bedroom with desk and so on.

I'll need a lot of air freshener for the bathroom too.

The good news is he is willing to share the space well, even said we can split the house into two living spaces, though with the kids bedrooms on my side of the house, that isn't actually feasible. If he does give me the front living room, will the kids be comfortable walking through my space to the kitchen and their bathroom which will be in his room on the other side of the house? Hopefully we will work through the awkwardness of that, but that may mean adopting a new family and do I really want that? Part of me says yes and part of me says no. People and family have been grave disappointments to me in this life and left me a relative pauper. Complications. He makes a good income, so it should not cost me more than rent.

He doesn't have any social life, having been married and raising kids after finishing school and then moving from Alabama to this area a few years ago because his job relocated him. Then he and his wife split which brings us to why he is looking for a renter/roommate. He is leasing the house, which is why he should be sharing and not playing landlord giving me just a room, so that part of his offer makes sense. The lease is up in six months and he spoke about how renewing or moving somewhere else will depend on how well we get along. I got the sense that he wanted a roommate and maybe even some friendship, emotional support, and possibly someone else around for the kids. My instinct could be wrong on that though. We shall see.

Anyway, there's lots of garage space and he said he was ok with my storing my stuff there. So if the bedroom is just be for sleeping and dressing and storing clothes and I somehow make the small bathroom a comfortable space and the writing and relaxing and TV watching activities happen mostly in the living room, the question will be is that too awkward for the kids and anyone coming into or leaving the house or going to the kitchen which is directly through the front living room. It's a single story house. Looking for positives.

Small room, small inconvenient bathroom, and clothing, alas.

Still, staying positive... clean. Safer neighborhood, I think. More space. Adequate kitchen space (though unimpressive appliances). I could get a deep freezer. Parking in the driveway. Garage space so I can stop paying for storage (save $140 a month). Apparently compatible and accommodating roommate. And he's willing to bring the rent down to $650. I might have pushed him to $600, but I didn't. Did I mention that the $650 includes all utilities, cable, and internet? Big selling point, no doubt. So I could be paying less than I am paying now and have a whole lot more - that alone should make it a no brainer, even if it's temporary.

So I'll take it if he offers it for $650 and figure out the compromises.

We talked so long I was running late for the dinner party. Add to that, the tire was almost flat when I got outside. I went looking for air and I stopped at 2 different 7-11s on the way to the party and they didn't have air. Finally found one that did and they charged $1.50 for 5 minutes and the tire would not fill. I went to the party with the tire really low and that's when I realized I was having a senior moment or something like that. Hey, apparently the excitement of possible finding a new space to live must have distracted me or something.

I stopped for drinks, forgetting supermarkets were closed so I looked for a store along the way because I was running late and it's not good for the drinks to be late. $32 at Walgreens later, I drove to the dinner party with the tire seriously low and the gate code didn't work. Calling the hostess didn't work. No answer, but then, someone drove up and I followed them in. The condo was dark. Oh no, did I have the wrong night? Checking my texts, I figured out the dinner party is tomorrow and today I was supposed to be at another friend's place at 2PM for another dinner. I texted and apologized and felt really stupid. Maybe I am senile.

No immediate response. I'd have headed over there f he responded and said come over. I texted several people, nobody responded. The potential new roommate texted asking for Jackson's number cuz I told him she was my reference if he or his wife wanted to talk to her. They are separated, but I can understand them both wanting reassurance about a strange man living with their eight year old daughter in really close awkward proximity at times. Jackson didn't respond for a while so I drove around slightly moping looking for food.

Nothing but fast food was open. At least Wawa had free air and a pump that worked.

Anyway, after realizing I wouldn't have dinner or anybody around tonight, I stopped moping, accepted my usual state of aloneness, and saw Target was open so I stopped for foods. They didn't have the ice cream I wanted so I went to see if Walmart was open and is was. When I got back here, Eb was eating something out of a bowl in his underwear three feet from the 60 inch TV and the kitchen was it's usual mess, but I cleaned enough to heat up frozen foods in the microwave and oven and had a feast. A decadent, irresponsible, delicious feast. Two different pizzas (Digiorgio think crust pepperoni and a thin crush mushroom alfredo), eggplant Parmesan and all three with a lot of with extra cheeses (five cheese bland and mozzarella provolone bland), cashew milk chocolate truffle ice cream, chocolate milk with extra chocolate syrup. A ridiculous amount of calories for the day before a big dinner party.

Getting back here, the potential new place seems better than ever in spite of the lack of privacy and clothing. Yuck, clothing. Compromise. Save money. Buy a house. Win the lottery. Rob a bank. Dance with the devil in the pale moonlight. Find true love. Share the dream.

Is life changing?

Hope the tire isn't flat in the morning.

Was this better?

Narf :)

No Interest, Still Sharing

This is what I do. I put the words online hoping someone will care to read and maybe find someone worth in the words and maybe share some positivity. Ultimately (or at least firstly) though, I write to myself. And the one who wants to read, whomever she (or he) might be. I laugh as ego goes off in hopes that millions will want to read and cheer as they feel wonder and excitement and all the good feelings that words can inspire. But I don’t really believe I have that sort of gift with words. I’d like to think I amuse at least a few people as much as I amuse myself sometimes.

If that's possible.

I've said it before in so many ways and here I will say it again... writing has maintained my sanity in this cruel in crazy world where confusion and fear dominate. Writing is my way of staying in touch with myself and understanding when I am feeling. Especially when I am feeling sad or lonely or both, writing gives me a way of feeling less alone. Partly because once the words are readable they are as if someone else writing who is sharing with me. Partly because once the words are out here there is hope that someone outside my head will share with me. I smile as I think of someone who might understand this.

Jackson forwarded me an email she got at work earlier today and I just found it in my email and I wish I could cheer her in person about it. She is a therapist at a local university and at this university, like at many, they send surveys to students graduating asking them various questions about how the university affected their lives. One of the questions that is often not answered because it can be very personal asks the student to name a specific person who affected them and made their life better. Four students named my friend and little sister Jackson. That’s pretty astounding.

So I am beaming with pride and admiration for her recognition as the person I see her as. When she follows through on her intentions, her caring is so genuine that it does affect people in amazing ways. If only she remembered that when she feels less than confident.

Of course I should be sleeping, but once again I lay here well past midnight (well past 4 AM, even) after playing the video game on the phone for couple of hours after sitting in writing for a couple of hours with the TV on and has a distraction. Pinky in the Brain, the Animaniacs, Family Guy, those with my friends tonight. The TV plays in the background as I write just to keep myself company and think and this sometimes give me a little inspiration and humor or the occasional serious thought. The best serious thought is questioned by humor. Cushioned by humor too.

At least this is a short week. Tomorrow I may leave work a little early and start the four day weekend off with a good nights sleep LOL. More likely I’ll drink another cup of coffee and be buzzing again. Last two days I’ve had 2 cups of coffee. Those are the first 2 cups in a long long time.

Yeas, actually now that I think about it more seriously, the past two days I had 2 cups of coffee which or two more cups of coffee that I’ve had in at least a couple of months. Maybe I had one in the past couple of months. Maybe. I don’t consume any caffeine other than some chocolate these days. These days. And most of the chocolate is in the light protein drinks I drink. The change in diet this year has been very effective on many levels, especially my health. Increased exercise is helping, however much more increase in exercise would be much much better. I hope to get to that next day after I get a good night's sleep. I keep saying that like it's going to happen. LOL. Yeah I should not be laughing but I’m in a good mood.

I am usually in a good mood when I’m writing even when I’m not laughing or showing it overtly. The writing itself puts me in a good mood most of the time. My sense of humor can be very subtle I suppose, which is why most people don’t seem to get me. It’s been that way since I was very young.

Yes, there’s much to be said about language of love.

So anyway, there must be three or 400 entries piling up in these emails. They are almost 20 emails, most longer than this one, that I have not even opened no less cut and pasted into a file. Even more than that amount that I already I have cut and pasted into a file that I have not yet edited them uploaded.

So many words, so little time.

And less interest.

Narf :)

Profound Design (Or Random)

Ah yes, the old profound random design ploy, very interesting. I may mean something, or the shtooping could be random. Don't bend over, just in case. Also, don't stand up too quickly, in case of dizziness. The magic could be unfinished (like last time), or it could be a blast from the past that was all but forgotten and still remains random and to the masses, uncertain as to the obvious relativity of the potential meanings, parameters, or, um, ramifications... like an arbitrary holiday that is widely accepted as truth and normal by those same masses just because the bigger picture is rarely explored by their consciousness, especially not by the mass collective consciousness, so if it is touched upon by an individual, that individual must be careful not to upset anyone afraid of leaving the collective consciousness for a new perspective, which is most people, like those who believe such limited perspective design is intelligent.

If you are offended or in any way triggered to defensive thoughts, you might believe that last paragraph was specifically designed to do that to you and sadly, you will miss the point, again.

Or perhaps a paragraph that begins with conjunction offend you. Everyone always (perhaps superlatives are your particularity?) seems (or is that appears? {pause} and do you know the difference?) to be offended by something, so what's your trigger? Some people make a game of finding those, ya know? Enjoy it even. I've always felt that it is best to have no triggers even though I have some when I am not paying attention to the fact that we don't have to have any if we remain completely consciously aware of everything at all times. Most people have no clue and believe some ridiculous idea about how safe and secure and comfortable they can be in their lives when the truth is they are meaningless, relatively microscopic cogs in a wheel way beyond their perception to realize even if they cared or had the courage to see the bigger pictures beyond their selfish immediate space and time. But then again, what is truth?

For instance, if you go here then you might believe that you turned off the part of Google that records your search history and maybe you did, but that still doesn't stop Google (or Facebook or your phone or internet provider or... text much?... fill in your media choice) from recording your search history and providing you with ads that are based on your searches. Perhaps you don't notice them or maybe you ignore them well as I do, but I notice. There is no privacy on the internet because it privacy cuts into profits. You really think you get to search for anything or use all of Facebook and other websites that take millions of work-hours by highly trained and well-paid technical workers to create and maintain for free? Get real. The privacy policies and terms of service you rarely read specifically give away most of your rights to privacy.

Anonymous comments could be a trigger for some, especially for those seeking more than an explanation of random SPAM. For instance, when comments have no links in them, would they be defined as SPAM? How about when they appear on blog entries without readers? Would hat be poor targeting, deliberately random, or randomly random? We can ask why random comments would appear on two or three year old obscure blog entries that maybe have been read by one or two people beyond the writer. Random comment bot action? Anyway, this blog entry is as it is and each reader can make of it what individual choice an individual may make.

The TV may be of some influence as listen to and I glance up at the screen to see Blindspot and now starting, Europa Report, this entry may be as precisely profoundly designed as any, or... more or less. With Eb walking in the door and now adding some rambling news report he is listening to on his phone precisely during the beginning of this paragraph as the show ended and the movie began, the distractions may be moving more toward random... or profoundly designed by universal forces beyond my control. Anything is possible and as long as we remember that, anything can make sense and anything can be true.

We do love our mysteries. Some more than others. Some love mysteries for the power they might gain by controlling the journey toward solving the mysteries while others love mysteries for other reasons. Some fear mysteries so much they panic aggressively at the thought that there may be no explanation we can grasp with our current state of consciousness. The latter folk usually seek concrete explanations they call truths that are actually created from thin air. Or thick bullshit (ok, muddy delusion, bullshit is actually inaccurate, but could be emotionally satisfying at times for those who are triggered by repressive delusions... who me?). Perhaps the reaction to call bullshit can be triggered because they even kill to defend their truths as if other ideas are such a threat people must be put must be put to death for just thinking them.

But then, let us now consider that if you believe there is life beyond our planet because your education and experience make that statistically likely, are you then, by definition, delusional. Then, shall you endeavor to create some sort of scientific statistical measurement of delusions in order to justify choosing your delusion over all other delusions?

I think I'll watch Pinky and the Brain now and press publish.

Narf :)

So Many Words Waiting Somewhere Else

Eventually, many will make it into this blog, in retrospect, perhaps, lost in the oblivion of an unexplored yesterday. Easy listening was never so contrary, but then, tonight is a night for the contrarians among us, even if it is two nights late, but then, what are weekends for, after all, la la la. Following along (understanding the babble) is always a bit like falling through the looking glass, so watch your step around the rabbit hole. Alice doesn't live here anymore and passing the hat never worked for the folk who don't give a flying fuck, so trust the live performances to destroy your memories after a while.

I visited Facebook. It's the same there. babbling influences, I am still not impressed.

What?

So I wrote this earlier and rather than rolling back into the previous day and ranting mode I was in for a brief few entries in other places (what meaningless complaints?... squirrel?... maybe), I fried up some egg whites and folded in some cream cheese and american cheese and bacon spices and feasted on a midnight snack, which brings me here with energy to spare and nobody to share it all with, in case it matters, in case you care.

And two chocolate protein shakes, 22 ounces of additional nutrition. Then eight prunes. Yes, I ate eight prunes. And just n case you are wondering just how far deep I wandered along the way down impulse alley, I spent $144 buying twelve new T-Shirts with clever sayings on them as if I needed twelve new T-Shirts. If I counted up all the clever T-Shirts I have in storage and here in this room, I could wear a different T-Shirt for the rest of this life and never wear the same one twice. Life is a clever T-shirt, sometimes. Or prunes.

So what is your problem?

Are you clicking on all the links as you read and getting lost in the madness of the babbling fool? You could be here by my side and I wouldn't even call you Poncho. This entry, by the way, off the cuff and out of the blue, was started last Halloween and continued tonight, just after midnight, just after the eighth day of the eleventh month of the sour grapes religious excursion into the delusion of time. Happy Birthday, Mikey... just a few nights late. I would have called on the fifth, but I don't have your number anymore.

Wow... fell asleep again.

So this entry is spanning more than a week and still, it is staggering, stuttering, stammering, maybe even stagnating. I would like the world to sing in perfect harmony, but I no longer have the patience to teach it. Still, I still dream of perfect harmony.

Maybe if I upload this right now, it will happen.

Narf :)

Mega-Madness

Still begging (it is a desperate hunger for attention, you know). So Read this and this too and while we're at it, how about everything here (you may say I'm a dreamer), but at least this one cuz you want to know me, right? Pretty please with sugar on top? Fudge, I'll share my fudge. I't more than a desperate hunger for attention, actually. Attention is just the tip of the iceberg. Appreciation, admiration, affection, devotion, love, honor, cherish, worship, I'm really quite insatiable if you must know. Oh, but you must, that's the purpose of the plea, don't you get it?

Well, give it back.

So I am still awake. Maybe it was the Lottery (with a capital L, of course). I may have prchased on r two tickets in the past few years. I impulsively purchased alot yesterday and the day before. Eight for the Mega-Milions. Work had a pool where a bunch of people put in $5 each and we bought 33. I have no idea how, if everyone put in $2 each, we came to spend $66. Obviously someone put in an extra dollar because we were a lucky thirteen people which would be $65 and 33 tickets cost $66. So forty one tickets. Obviously I did not win, none of those forty one tickets had more than one number and only one had the Mega-ball, or whatever it's called and that one did not have a winning number so $82 bucks down the drain, or rabbit hole. I spent a lot myself, because besides the eight personal purchases, I bought Powerball and Lotto tickets. I figured most people wouldn't be playing the Lotto because the Powerball and Mega jackpots were so large. $620 Million and $1.6 Billion respectively. I will happily accept just a portion of the $4 Million Lotto lol. Sigh, gambling rarely pays. like 1 in over 300 million chance. 302.6 million, to be more precise. 1 in 302,575,350 to be approximately exact. The odds of winning anything are 24 to 1.

Sigh.

There is so much more...

165 KB

A notepad file that reaches 165 KB has a lot of words in it. Word can tel me how many, but I can't open Word files on this computer because there is not enough room for MS Office on the 32 GB SSD drive because MS Windows takes up most of the drive. A hundred entries, at least. More when some of the words will find their way into multiple blogs and with expounding, the number of entries can double. So in case you thought I am finally running out of words, well, this river is far from running dry. So chin up, my devoted readers (and random browsers), the babbler will continue to fill the void and plant new seeds and the written gardens will continue to grow.

In the vein of some sort of housekeeping (or perhaps it is ore promise keeping), as I insisted somewhat vehemently in this entry in the brief daily blog, read this. It is telling, like other entries that are telling, like some of the entries linked on the sidebars of the dailies. You know the dailies, right? Well, rather than send you fishing through the gardens (a list of most of the blogs, websites, and public pages {like Facebook) still around after the great and small internet wars), I'll provide links right here out of the goodness of my heart and generosity and desperate desire for attention, appreciation, and love. Or laughter, I welcome laughter too. The daily brief blog and this extended daily blog are the current dailies, but they don't have nearly the sidebar link systems these previous dailies and assorted sundries do.

So ok, maybe you don't want to spend hours getting to know me. Here's a shortcut, but then again, it is more linkly an exit to confusion, obscurity, and perhaps a touch of snarkiness. One of those links is a shortcut, but I won't tell you which one.

That not so subtle plug was brought to you be hopefulness.

Trying to share is challenging by myself and I am alive to share. The goal is to share everything completely with someone, the hopefulness is that I will find someone who can and will do that. All these words are meant to help us find each other. Everyone else will likely be distracted or driven away, which is the method to my madness. Besides finding the one, I am very open to finding friends and family. Since I have no biological family, anyone can be adopted family and there is definitely room for a sister or brother (or mom, even). Friends too. Activity partners too. Softball, gym, dining, music, movies, TV, books, and other interests that would be wonderful to share. You are welcome to come into my life if you are honest and believe in doing no harm ad are interested in interests that interest me.

There are several Internet personalities who I feel could be adopted family and possibly friends, but they are far away am busy with a very busy life. You will find many mentioned in my blogs here and there and elsewhere too.

There will be more, but sleep calls...

Something on TV lead me to wonder if a single fish could actually cost a half million dollars or more. I found that a single bluefish tuna was sold for more than three quarters of a million dollars (though the news on fish prices can be quite confusing and contradictory if you search for it... maybe The Atlantic knows). More for the prestige and pomp (whatever the circumstances) than for the profit (because the buyer could never make the investment back), but I was surprised at the price of what is considered quality sushi. I've got to wonder what kind of crap we are eating for a dollar a piece when this is the price of what is considered quality sushi. Anyway, it was a random thought inspired by something I heard on TV.

Nite nite.

Narf :)

Fatigue

Good fatigue though, as I spent two hours at the gym tonight. Yes Saturday night alone at the gym. I am glad I am lucky that my job offers a free gym. Two, actually. Anyway, I did an hour on elliptical at 6.41 mph which is the fastest I’ve done yet. Since today was a low-calorie day, I felt the muscle fatigue. The stamina wasn’t bad. I suppose I have to push harder. After the elliptical, I played with the weights for a while. My arms are amazingly week. The 10 pound dumbbells were all I would work with until I went to lower weights. Muscle tone and strength have diminished considerably with this large weight loss. I know I should’ve been working out while I was losing the weight, but nobody’s perfect, right? LOL

I peddled the exercise bike for a bit while I watch the rest of a couple of college football games. Surprising outcomes in a few. Our local team UCF continues to roll now 707 and oh well voice to text can’t handle that in any case seven wins no losses and 20 wins in a row over more than two seasons. Announcers debated about how good were they are and how worthy they are of a higher ranking and too many agreed they aren’t worthy in spite of them beating a top team, Auburn, at the end of last season. Did I mention they beat Auburn handily? In any case I understand they don’t have the best schedule however that is not all their fault. Last year there toughest game was canceled because of a hurricane and this year one of the toughest games was canceled because of a hurricane. Also tough teams don’t want to play UCF, they’d rather have easy marshmallow wins in there out of conference Games. So we shall see what happens as the season progresses. Jackson is an alumni and serious UCF fan with season tickets. I used to go with her and had season tickets to, but not since she fell in love and goes with her fiancé.

I definitely need to grow my cool friends. Pool of friends. Pool. I have quite a few actually, at least a dozen people that I could call just about anytime to ask if they want to do something. Probably more. They just don't do what I like to do much. And at least a few who I could call anytime if there’s an emergency. Maybe. Still no one really gets deep. None visit my writing (unless you do secretly). Most just stay in the shallows and stay busy with work and their lives. I suppose that’s what most people do, perhaps everyone. Perhaps that’s why we look for that one intimate person in a relationship. I would give just about everything to find a partner in this life, and I’ve tried many ways, many times, giving everything, but I haven’t been that lucky. On some levels I am too picky, my standards are too high, but the heart and mind want to be satisfied and I’ve yet to meet anyone who satisfies both. I ask myself why bother with the relationship, if it’s just going to be unsatisfying in the end. I don’t like him, and none of my heartstrings have M&Ms, but most and where did Eminem’s come from.

It’s probably the fan that is distorting voice to text tonight. I can see it is providing a lot of background noise. But Eb has the thermostat up at 83, I should say down at 83, since he had it at 86 for several days, and the humidity is very high outside in the windows are open. Not much longer.

So just a protein shake yesterday, and a very low-calorie meal today, and the work out combined to leave me fatigued but feeling very good. The scale here said 176.8. The digital scale at the gym said 177.6. And the beam balance scale at the gym said 179. That’s the first time I got the beam balance scale under 180. I hope to keep it there. The meal was a bag of onions, a bag of cauliflower rice, and two pieces of flounder. The onions and the Collie flower where maybe 100 cal. So the meal was probably under 300 cal. That’s all for today except for a couple of protein shakes. So it’s a 500 cal day.

Tomorrow is softball, So I will make sure I drink a couple of extra protein shakes, and possibly eat more calories. Depending on how I feel. I really want to be 170 before Thanksgiving. That’s 170 consistently, perhaps under 170 consistently before Thanksgiving. I intend on enjoying food during the holidays. And if I can maintain the 180 for this long, I’d like to be under 170 and maintain that for at least a few weeks before the holiday meals start. On the other hand Red Lobster has there all you can eat shrimp deal going on, and Outback has steak and all-you-can-eat shrimp going on, and I intend on doing both in the next few weeks.

Maybe.

Rest Beuten is back in town, bats Rasputin. Yes so anyway, Rasputin is back in town and if he gets a job soon he should be another dinner partner. Maybe. Helen found a new job, which is just like her not being out of work for more than a few days, that’s a good thing for her, so she will be happy to join me at either place. Maybe. There is a choice of several others who enjoy dining out. I could make it a group event, but we shall see. Maybe.

The new roommate texted today again. I wasn’t going anywhere and I suppose he wasn’t either because he didn’t text until the evening. I wonder if he is considering that he can’t afford any of the decent places. I should say potential new roommate since I have not found a place that he can afford. I am also leaning more towards the one bedroom, even though it is more money than I wanted to spend on rent. If I do it for year I will save what I can which will be at least $1500 less then I would save if I shared a smaller place rather a 2 Bedroom Pl, but the privacy and living as I wish to live will be like heaven.

If there is such a thing.

Wow the fan really does make a lot of background noise. But it is definitely way too warm to not have the fans on tonight. I don’t need it down to 72 or even 75, I’m very comfortable at 80 even, most of the time I am very comfortable at 78°, most of the time. I will need to figure out where to put the washer and dryer though, which means I might have to pay for storage or have the washer dryer moved upstairs by movers for the time I am at the one bedroom place. Maybe. That means it they will take up space and I will have to pay to have them moved again. The second floor is the primary drawback keeping me from confirming the one bedroom. I wonder if my friend will go less than she originally said because of that. I can only hope.

The body is really tired, but I’m not that sleepy. Softball isn’t until 1 PM tomorrow so I don’t have to leave here until noon, so I don’t have to be awake too early. I am just too tired to do much of anything else right now so I’m laying here and voice writing. I didn’t unpack several boxes tonight. And I got all my laundry done except for the sheets last night. So there is much to do.

I’d like to fall asleep before the muscles get to achy because they are hungry. If I don’t eat tonight I should lose a pound or two after softball tomorrow and perhaps a little more gym. I’d like to be able to go get real food and do the gym tomorrow. We shall see how my willpower is and how my motivation is. It would be so much easier if I had an athletic partner or even a cheerleader. But I know I do it for me primarily and I don’t need anyone else. I just want to share so much that not sharing aches.

I listened to Janet Devlin as a couple of blog posts will point out. She is a child my child inside can enjoy as her words touched me and her music is fun. Moreover, her personality is open and honest as I’ve said elsewhere. While it could all be a show on the internet, I sense genuine vulnerability and sincerity in her words and causes. Ultimately though, I sense she is very confused and tied down by her religious upbringing and the closed minds that judge her (luck of the Irish, not). I know very few people who live their lives free of guilt nd shame, without empowering others fears or their own self-doubts, in fact I know of none. I just would love to find one. Anyway, Janet's music and video blogs kept me interested and amused so I thank her for that. I think she would be a good friend. Though it would likely be yet another adoption for me. You can ask what I mean by that if you don’t already know because it is very much part of the story of my life and the story of every relationship I’ve ever known. Adopted family is all the family I've ever had, as far as I know. Being an independent child right from the start leaves me with very few peers.

There are several internet personalities who I feel could be adopted family and possibly friends, but they are far away am busy with very busy lives. Uniquely, Janet response to comments very consistently, even to complete strangers. I left a few and she responded to one, the one on her most recent post. I can understand her not responding to comments on old posts but I left a few anyway. As I mentioned, you can find more about my journey through her YouTube in my blogs. I should visit more often.

I am rambling on now because I am not sleepy, yet I am tired physically. The muscles will demand food if I get up and do things and I really don’t want to put more calories in the body this late. It is after midnight after all. In fact it is 1:34 AM and while I am a bit wired, I’d like to get a full 8 to 9 hours sleep tonight. So I’d like to be fast to sleep in the next hour.

I’ll send this now as voice to text is being taxed to it’s limits.

Happy Birthday PJ...

Narf :)

So Many Waiting

Words, that is. So many words are waiting in notepad files and on the phone as I've turned to voice to text to ramble on as I do my best to sit less, but that's another story. This next entry is called Journey Through the Internet in my commentarium and it needs some adjustments, but it provides something for this DDD blog as it reflects a few days of my time. Or was this all in one night? lol. In any case, there's enough dirt, drama, and detail (about me at least between the lines) in here to be appropriate for this blog.

Until it gets edited...


Wow, this started so long ago and I finally started posting years later and it has been years since... we can wonder why if you want to, but for the moment, since you are not asking (at the moment of this writing in case someone does not know how relative time is on the internet as I write and may edit and post at three separate times and you likely read at a a fourth time and, well, time is relative as it is, but even more so in blogs on the internet. Still the time date stamp may be accurate sometimes, which just adds to the relativity and amuses me as most things do eventually while I am writing... it's why I write, in case you wondered and didn't know, among other reasons, but I believe digression shall conclude now and whatever it is I came here to write might actually happen), we'll just continue with whatever I came here to write.

This girl (official site) inspired me to comment and want to remember my comments and since that is why I started this particular blog concept some million years ago (long before the internet, actually, when copy and paste was copy and punch holes, by hand, even), I came here (make sense, aye?). One of these days this may turn into the About This Blog page with less specifics about the origin of this particular return, but for now, let's go with the flow of this momentary inspiration and we may subtitle it Janet Through the Internet, just for the fun of the word play (and a touch of actual identification too).

Since this blog is about comments, most specifically comments I leave on the web that I want to remember or comments left for me that I want to remember, let's get to the comments I've left lately, most specifically, the comments that inspired me to want to come back here and remember them. Then, as I have no filter or sense of ending, I just may comment on the comments. Are you excited yet? lol lam. No worries, we can mock me together if we get bored or feel in any way awkward.*

OMG, an asterisk. Haven't seen one of those in a while. You will find a references to the asterisk at the bottom of this entry, in case you wondered. and a paragraph aside that is actually a parentheses starting with OMG, OMG! This is another ultra-rarity, in case your didn't know (new to my written gardens? Try to relax and be patient, it's a long strange trip that no one has ever taken with me and perhaps no one has ever fully explored and it has many potholes and broken links and can only be reached in part through the internet archive, but the writing (and babbling and rhyming) has been going on since I could first hold a crayon and so The Written Gardens as I pompously (but sincerely) call it all have been growing for decades and the written gardens online started when AOL was a baby and the blog world I loosely call mine and more can be found here, for now, in case it matters).

Returning here started with a culmination of feeling like I want to remember the comments inspired over the past few days by a recent child (you may know and if you didn't, now you will, that when I call someone a child, it is one of the highest compliments I can give and I'll explain another time if you are interested), as her performance style is unique and very appealing to me (earlier this year she made it to Random Pop News, waking that blog too) and her vulnerability on camera is genuinely believable to me (you know about my quest for honesty, right?... we all have our windmills, even if most bury them and pretend to forget) and every dozen or so songs touch me even deeper than the last one that inspired a comment, and this next one cut to the core and connected with the words in this blog as I was writing them. Coincidence is such a thrill, if you experience it without any fear (actually so is most of life). So this entry will be a series of comments left over the past few days starting with this one. The inspiration may be included as a link or embedded, as the muses see fit.

OMG... I've heard this so many times... was it just in my head? Such deep sadness and yet... If I could explain why I laugh a most peaceful genuine content laugh in a few words, I would, but suffice to say oh wow, thank you, and shared understanding is such a comforting experience, even on the internet. My lifetime euphoria is believing it all turns out amazing in the end, even if we'll never know, even if it doesn't matter, may you find some hope, peace, and euphoric joy in knowing and remembering that we only go down so that we can go up again :)

Yes, that is yet another OMG opening. OMG! Right? Laugh and the world laughs with you? Look, I haven't been to the gym yet today because I feel compelled to put this entry together so bear with me, illusionary obsession is a delicate balance. Everything is all in our heads, after all, and my imagination provides an infinite playground that sometimes spills out into words on the web and I do my best to express the limitless devotion of my caring with great care because there laws, ya know? (if you are not laughing, go away lol, or at least read on and more than this entry before you call the authorities cuz my primary philosophy in life is honesty without harm and I always do my best to actualize that in everything I do at every moment... sheesh, a disclaimer, how human lol lam).

Anyway, back to the video, comment, and commenting in general, my hope is the person receiving the comment understands. Especially that one as I sense some sort of kindred spirit who understands sharing is caring and if we did, it would be mutually beneficial, possibly amazing, and probably profound. So I start the potential interaction with comments on youtube because that is the way of the world these days, or at least one of them.

This next comment was left on Janet's Spotify, at least according to my cut and pasted notes.

Sometimes I think you are acting, as all singer-performers do (because nobody can "live" the words to every sing they sing). Sometimes I just want to hold you (emotionally) and heal you, believing your heart was broken for real so deeply. Silly as it may seem, I want to help. :)

That could simply be the empathy I feel listening to (or singing) emotional words. My hope is you never feel the pain of most of the words you sing, except during the song. My hope is also that you continue to express the sings the way you do. Thank you for Janetizing so many songs. You choose well and you bring new, unique, beautiful life to the words. Please continue.

Between that comment and this entry, I cut and pasted the following links into my notepad and I have no idea what they lead to. I wonder if finding out will add to or detract from the point of this entry (which seems to be multi-faceted at once recording comments left for an individual and explaining this blog and explaining something about myself and who knows... shall we see?).

After I finish listening/watching this aaaaaaand (think Yacko Warner) this.

....
As if a commercial interlude was needed, or perhaps proof that my imaginary obsessions are not singular and youtube knows that and offers next videos that they know I will enjoy (unlike CBS Online, but that is why CBS fails online where youtube thrives, and further digression will not occur, I think), I love her talent too.

Of course I could be wrong as I let a youtube playlist continue and mixed in with Janet this favorite pops up next followed by this classic (in my personal musical world), followed by another favorite, though others from the same show reach much closer to the core, and then, this variation of one of my core songs keeps me smiling and listening to the playlist they put together for me. The mood turns amused as irony follows which somehow leads me to reminisce and watch this and laugh. All that and I return to the serious blissful melancholy sound and hope of this Janet cover.

Sometimes I really have no idea why I become obsessed with someone I've never met. It happens with singers all the time. From Elton John and Barbara Streisand to Melanie and Melissa Etheridge to Billy Joel and Lori Carlson to Emma Blackery and Janet Devlin to Judy Garland and Andy Williams to Stevi Nicks and Michael Crawford to Linda Ronstadt and Dan Fogelberg to Brandi Carlisle and Jackson Brown to Justin Hayward and John Lodge to John Denver and so many others, zany I am. I used to respond to SPAM, remember? No just singers, though, right Sarah Silverman? Still some songs reach so deep into me. Did I neglect to mention Elvis? Or John Lennon, for that matter. Of course I am teasing, Harry Chapin tops them all.

So falling into Janet Devlin's rabbit hole this weekend, I let her originals and covers take me into myself and I sense she may experience songs as I used to, swallowed whole only to come back out after the song gleeful to have experienced it so completely, no matter the song. Songs are so amazing when you let them swallow you whole, especially as you gasp for breath while singing them. I have yet to see her lay into one without careful articulation and emotional control. Professionalism, and still, I wonder what more she can do behind those eyes.

All in all, it was a good choice to listen to Janet instead of watching TV. Maybe it is something about her apparently incorrigible positive attitude. I know that I love the vulnerabiity she exudes. I see it as honesty without harm (you may have heard that phrase before if you read me) and wonder how much of that is my perception and how much is accurately her. I sense an empathy in her that I relate to very deeply. Again, whether it is my imagination or really her is not known, but I enjoy it. In any case, these are the comments and the videos that inspired them which was the start of wanting to remember the comments (so I cut and pasted them into a notepad file) then, waking up, I remembered this blog and felt inspired to open it to put the comments here.

She doesn't only sing, she also vlogs and that inspired me to write...

I understand now more literally what I see that keeps me coming back. Empathy can seem like a burden, but I would not trade it for anything. It can be so challenging feeling the human condition and feeling the planet at this point in time, but I've tried numbing myself to my senses and awareness and that is a bad trip. So I write it. The words release the pain and set me free. You may now the daily cycle too. Celebrate your empathy and you may come to understand that the world may call it depression, but feeling it all is a blessing. I celebrate the pain, the sadness, the sensual visceral awareness of the state of the world because feeling it all is what life is about and somehow, in the end, I find myself simply amused, gleeful, euphoric.

If I am rationalizing, shhhh, it works for me ;)

Unscripted vlogging about personal matters that most keep secret shows the power of youtube, and while the reality of the fear and intolerance and the fact that she does not separate herself from the ingorance inspired a few words...

The limited definition of love and the fear of sexuality is one more sad aspect of humanity at this point in time. Dan Fogelberg's 'Part of the Plan' plays in my mind. May you learn to keep other people's fears and limits, no matter who they are, out of your head and accept yourself as you are in every way. Applause for your honesty. Hug for your vulnerability. Patience for . Love for your love.

It was then that youtube offered fuel for sadness as I enjoyed all the unpolished realness of a small room live concert by Delores O'Riordan who's voice and songs have brought me much emo thought and fun and along those lines, Sinead O'Conner tears me up with this song every time (youtube seemed to be through an Irish wake for a while) and the small desk concert format continued to surprise me on this playlist with another and another old favorite and another and, well, what can say... youtube knows me :)

So wrapping up this ramble, wow.



*Like this, only amused by the relativity of it all...