Hi Ho

Contrary to what some might see in the title, I am not saying hello to anyone, I am saying I am off to work, or in my case, diving back into the internet job search mode. This morning I reluctantly woke and watched some more TV, much as I did yesterday. Eli Stone has replaced Life as the marathon 20+ episode watching pattern continues as I catch up on old shows I did not watch the first time as I make use of my $11.99 commercial-free subscription to Hulu as I distract myself from the loneliness and heartbreak of reality of nobody really caring the way they say they do and humans being the most disappointing species I've ever known or been any part of as I remember I am a survivor and do what I need to do to survive, which is find income, hence, the continuation of the job search as this continues on replay (replacing this haunting refrain which was the last song intentionally stuck on repeat).

Apparently, music is moving back into my physical world.

The past week has seen some rather animated and a few cathartic entries, in case you just appeared here and missed them. If this is the first entry you've ever read in my written gardens then you are starting way out of context and way behind the times, but that is ok. If you are not like most humans and actually want something more than a surface smile or ego stroke or your immediate momentary needs fulfilled, then you will delve deeper. I mean, the last daily blog has almost 7,000 entries, after all. And there were many thousands in blogs before that and many simultanious web spaces where words still flow along side this (and it's briefer companion, for those who like it brief). I no longer expect anyone to read my babble, but feel free to surprise me.

I sent out dozens of resumes today. Some one-click shots in the dark on job sites, some more detailed and time consuming applications. The state of Florida, of course. Lockheed martin and other huge congomerate monsters too. The dream of finding someone like me to work for (or someone like the billionaire in Pure Genius has not completely died, but the reality is reality and I need income so I send my resume anywhere I think has even the slightest hope of responding positively. I am getting quite used to the rejection emails, it's like life.

Music is a wonderful break from the internet TV and it allows me to babble, something I was not doing while the TV was on as I was using the TV show to distract me from the painful acceptance that I guess I let out in the last cathartic entry and thank goodness I have words to release my emotions and thoughts and self into because I sure don't have any people willing or able to listen and "handle" me. Too deep, too intense, too serious, too emotional, too sensitve, too whatever - the same old story. Too much for human consumption.

Not bitter, just tired of the disappointments.

I know, have no expectations and there shall be no disappointments. Well, it is not always simple (or easy) to separate desires from expectations. Especially not when someone uses the words promise and all the other words indicating a close personal permanent loyalty and caring and bond. Family is the most abused word in the language. Ok, one of them. Love is probably the most abused word.

Not bitter, not disapponted, just tired of the abuse.

So I shall indulge in emotional eating, sort of. Ham and swiss on 40 calorie honey wheat, but that was not enough. Spaghetti, my way, a big bowl. I am over-stuffed, just like that canned ravioli. Not very good timing as I have an appointment with the GI Specialist in a few hours. I don't feel like going. I think I'll watch more TV.

Grump, grump, grump.

Hey, wanna go get a pizza? lol lam ok, I give... I can't stay upset (or tired of human foibles {superficialities, lies, and pretenses, ya know?} and self-destructive ways) for long, especially not when I am babbling. there comes a point where you're not sure why you're still talking... yeah, I passed that point long ago too. If you do not understand my silence, you will not understand my words. So I babble on.

Make something good out of your time.

Narf :)