Strange Feelings

It is tomorrow. I felt too sick last night to update. I updated the brief blog tonight, feeling much better, though not great. I am updating yesterday now, here, because it happened and I want it documented. I did not die, which is good because I really did not want to die. I want to go to Jackson's wedding. I want to fall in love again. I almost went to the emergency room, but did not want to lose the car or go into serious debt. Maybe I had a mild heart attack, maybe it was indigestion, either way, I lived. Yeah, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. No excess drama, just the facts, ma'am. Sucks, this reality in this culture, but it is what it is.

I wrote this (or something very much like it) to J after calling 211 (the local crisis hotline) for assistance and deciding to just go to bed:

Life is so strange. I am sending you an email that I sent to Jackson because I want a witness. Tomorrow I will find a way to print it and get it notarized as inexpensively as possible but I just wanted it sent tonight. I never made out a will. I think it is time. I felt several symptoms the books list for heart attack symptoms tonight and I am going to go to bed because there is no free medical care at this hour and emergency room costs will put me on the street fast and that is a fast way to die. I do not want what I have in storage and what little I have left to go to the state if I die, so I am putting this into words just in case I do not wake up. I do not want to get trapped in the health care system like so many who are in my position do. Reality is not pleasant.

I will go to a free clinic tomorrow if I feel poorly. I will go to the free clinic on Tuesday to see the doctor I've been seeing if I am not much better by then. I just wanted someone other than Jackson to have the email I sent to her.

The email to Jackson was basically a will, as in last will and testament, leaving everything I have to her. It may not be legal, but it is the best I can do until I research how to get a will done legally for free or close to free. I was that concerned, scared, even. Will this life I lived be gone in an instant? Will this life mean nothing really? Will I be mourned a moment or few, then lost forever in human consciousness, not even a memory? More personally, will I never fall in love again? Will I never know the feeling of someone falling in love with me? Will I never share unconditional love and trust completely totally openly honestly? Will I die never having lived my dream?

That last thought can bring the tears anytime, anywhere, if I am not well distracted. Even when I am not feeling like I might have a massive heart attack and die at any moment.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worse, nite nite.

It was a good life after all.

Narf. :)