Some entries are more revealing than others.
One thing I am noticing is that when The Maharaja gets home and gets online, the streaming slows to a stagger. I suppose that is to be expected and I will adjust. It is his house and wifi, after all. I am blessed to have a friend like him abd streaming is unnecessary unless it is job related so a bit of lagging is not anything I'd concerned about. Asl long as I don't try to job search or stream during peak hours, it seems to be ok. At least that is my hope and I'll keep testing.
I seem to be in the stay up all night and sleep all (or most of the) day mode again. I check emails and send out resumes and fill out applications but trying not to spend any money so I am not going out anywhere just to get out and drive around. So there isn't much to say about the life at the moment. I really must stay positive and get even stricter about the budget. Most of all, I must stay positive. The following paragraph is one way I do it.
Today I got some essential chores done. I moved money into accounts so the bills can get paid. Taking from the emergency car payment fund is really challenging, but I have no choice and my time without income is running out. Without the car, I am not sure I'd be able to find and keep a decent job and getting stuck on a minimu wage job at this point in life might become permanent. Shhhh, let's not think negatively and get depressed and give up hope and die on the streets, alone, destitute, unknown, a life wasted.
Oh sure. Make fun of the self-pity. I do.
Laughing at myself even as I see the possibility of the reality of the possibility of the reality.
The emotional abyss can be like a black hole but if I treat it like a tube of toothpaste, an infinite tube of toothpaste, I can I can sqyeeze out more room in the tube, dive in, and get to the bottom of the dark depressive potential in thereby putting it into words and then, laughing at the morbid drama of meaningless death following a meaningless life as I accept the reality (even if it is just another illusion I create in my own mind) of the possibility that everything is meaningless and illuionary and if that is true, still enjoy the moment (it becomes even easier when I rationalize the fact that if everything is meaningless, pointless, whatever, then there is no point in doing anything except enjoying the moment as long as one can enjoy the moment.
If that makes no sense to you, you will probably not understand me.
I do not fear dying, for I do not fear living.
Those who fear death are usually afraid to live.
The mosy illogical of human reasoning is the fear of death, especially when someone lets the fear of death impose unnecessary or irrational restrictions and limitations on the enjoyment of life.
I fear those who are afraid to enjoy life.
Well, maybe. I do not empower fear much, so that last one might not be as accurate as it sounds, even if anything means anything. You don't have to study philosophy to be a philosopher. You just need to think outside the box. Maybe not even that, I think. Therefore, whatever.
So when nothing is happening in life and there is not much to write about, I can lose myself in anstractions or illusions. Sometimes those take the form of other people's stories, real or imagined. Sometimes I pass the time writing my own mind.
The mind is a story being written all the time.
Narf :)
No comments:
Post a Comment