Yeah, so the nothingness of the brief blog catch up session continues to expand (and when nothingness expands, be ready, you never know what might happen... I mean, a whole universe might appear... watch out for that big bang, ya know?) and somehow, we are still here on Sunday night, sort of. Ultimately, the everything (and we do mean everything and every thing and we include thoughts in that every as thoughts are a thing too for there are non-material, non-physical things {even when not italicized ya know} and I don't just mean ethereal {or (e)thereal, for that matter} or non-corporal or even imaginary "things" in or out of quotation marks or parentheses) was saved... everything, that is. I am sure we are all relieved. You are relieved, aren't you? If not, take a laxative and call me in the morning. There is a method to the madness, in case you wondered, in case you didn't know, in case it matters.
So I believe it was Thursday that I watched a webinar, searched for more jobs, checked emails, wrote emails, sent out more resumes and applications, went to the government mandated health care website, tried to register again, was rejected again, called the help number, didn't get help, detailed it somewhere around here, wandered my old diaryland babbling places, grossly abused many commas, and somewhere between then and a few days from now, got snarky and pointed out that it really is no miracle, you just have to care and want to know and make the time to reach out, at least with your eyes, and read. Letting me know would actually make the caring a verb, something you did outside of your mind, in case you wondered, n case you didn't know, in case it mattered.
Could have been more recently, even.
Than I enjoyed laughter... lol lam lol lax laa... and mostly it was that way ever since, except for a rather challenging (in case you actualy really care) day in which I watched non-stop internet TV (finished John Doe, started and finished Standoff, and started The Invisible Man... (previously on Hulu) I also watched (in reverse chronological order... that is, the list is in reverse chronological order, not that I watched the episodes of each show in reverse chronological order, I mean, I'm not that warped... but now that I think of it... lol lam) Eli Stone, Life, Shuteye, The Fades, Twisted, Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior, The Rocky Horror Picture Show (Remake), Phenomenon, This Is Us (lost interested after 5 episodes), Timeless, 11.22.63, Chance, Paradox, Eli Stone, SNL, Misfits, The Aliens, Second Chance, and re-watched 12 Monkeys (first season), Elementary (first four seasons), and some Castle and Bones.
That was just Hulu in the past five months. On CBS, I watch other shows. Yeah, the internet TV is the distraction of choice these days. 440 videos, approximately, on Hulu in five months. Though a few not mentioned above were started and stopped before the first episode ended. Picky picky. I probably ought to update the background TV blog and discuss the time spent viewing (maybe even start writing mini-reviews, or at least a synopsis of the shows I enjoyed or would want to watch again or recommend or wish they continued past their cancellation date or even shows I didn't like so i'd not watch them again and know why and I could include the names of the primary actors I liked and... I could just include links to the IMDB I suppose. Yeah, right, mini-reviews and synopsis, me, brief. lol.
One of these days I just might. :)
A holiday text from Idaho, an email from J, and too many Facebook messages (I uninstalled Messenger... Facebook is just too depressing these days... not just because of the news of the world and humans, but it is a reminder how little people care in the real world)... wait, I see a distraction coming on...
oh, never mind... it may have just been gas...
Yeah, so as I was trying to avoid writing, on some personal emotional psychological levels it was a challenging day. I ate way way way too much. I splurged on Chinese food because it was the only restaurant found open. It's small and less than a mile away and they make good food, though more expensive than the average place because this is a more expensive area. Delicious though. I ate too much. I made supermarket stuffed clams and stuffed scallops (two each) as well. And a whole box of chocolate chip cookies. I have really indulged my food monster more in the past four days than I have all year and yesterday was the most indulgent of all. It was not as fun and exiting as it usually is.
And, as I said, I uninstalled Facebook Messenger. I received way too many messages in group messages and I did not want to keep hearing ping, ping, ping. I almost deactivated my Facebook account, but didn't. I can simply not go on the site so I don't have to deactivate. I am avoiding the site completely right now, just too much superficiality and reminders that caring is a verb and there is little active caring in life for me these days. Too many people on Facebook who said they care really don't show it. Blah blah blah, whine whine whine, that was not a good hour today.
It did pass and tomorrow was much much better, but hey, that's the miracle of time travel, ya know?
I mean, I created a new personal profile on a new personals website so there must have been some hope and merriment yesterday too. I wrote (and have been writing) a lot to J recently. I keep telling myself to create a blog for that or at least pull more excerpts into this babble, but I don't get to that mostly out of respect for J's privacy, but also because I have not felt the pomp and circumstance and fanfare required to inspire me to start yet another whole new blog. I have hundreds I do not add to on a daily basis as it is, after all.
Speaking of chili peppers and dreams of what life would be like if I was flush with income and all sorts of inspired again (not necessarily in love, but that would be nice), if I had a million dollars, I would have shopped for toys and gadgets for me and everyone I know in recent weeks (and tomorrow too). This is one of the the least material holiday season I've known in this life as I've given and received zero gifts in the sense of gift-wrapped material objects. There has probably been years where this has happened before, but maybe not, and it is oddly freeing and definitely amusing the rebel child in me who enjoys doing the opposite of what is "supposed to be" so it is not nearly as sad as it might be to normal people. Thank goodness I am not normal.
Wait, Helen did take me to lunch the day before Xmas and I paid the tip, so that counts as a gift. I was invited to a Yule party on Xmas eve and bought and brought stuff they needed (almonds, raisins, something else, and a cheese cutter) and the food was yummy, so that counts as a gift. Just no wrapped gift objects... or tree... or stockings... or family... or...
people.
Sigh...
Ok, so yeah, it can be quite lonely to be me, but I am a whole lot more cheerful and peaceful and content and actually happy than I thought I would be this year. I do not think I am overly ignoring or repressing the sadness of receiving nothing from the people supposedly closest to me. It seems that over the past decade or so I had gotten used to the tradition of having a tree and sharing decorating it and putting up stockings and filling them with gifts (Jackson brought that into this life for the seven years we lived together.... we'd exchange a dozen or little gifts and one or more bigger gifts.... and I'd remember the brief glimpses of family that I've known in this life (ah, Toronto... and Canarsie... so long ago). She may never know how important that was to me, just sharing that experience and that time, being part of a family experience. I am sad when I think of her now because I believed we were family when we are obviously not.
Still, I am closer to acceptance of my aloneness again (always have been in this life from the start, the experience of the adopted child - and we are each alone in our experience, but that's a philosophical discussion for another time... the illusion of sharing in physical space is so alluring, so sad to not have it, and so on) than I've been even with the flood of visible love-gift-exchanges all around me reminding me how alone I am.
I am appreciative to have J to keep in touch with now. KIT, so few really do. Every word shared is a greater more precious gift than anything else. Ultimately, material stuff is symbolic and can be so superficial and meaningless when the person is not actively caring or keeping in touch. If nothing else, this year reminds me of how meaningless material gifts really are without people. It is a good memory of a very good perspective. It influenced my most recent attempt to reach out to the world too, the profile on the pen-pal site.
cuz when you know you've got a real friend somewhere... suddenly all the others are so much easier to bear...
It is so sad when someone chooses to become one of all the others...
What?... you expected any less of a roller coaster on this particular date? lam... yes, I can still laugh at myself and the emotional ride I let this life take me on (or do I do it to myself?... well, you can debate the philosophical reality of that while I wander back into distraction... more internet tv... more babble... more food...
How was your day?
Narf :)
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