Yeah, so I went to the Chinese restaurant and spent $20+ on dinner and that is just dumb, but it's holiday time and everybody has parties and I don't want to... go (I was going to write I don't want to be left out, but actually, I do want to be left out of the normal expectations and superficial pretenses of holiday parties, especially this year, so i am indulging my food monster and undermining all the low-calorie eating I was doing to drop 23 pounds and I probably gained 10 more and am above 200 where I didn't want to be so I shall beat myself with wet noodles (mmmmm, spaghetti) and get serious about the calorie intake and weight and health and ... next year. The free clinic case worker never called, which sucks, so I need to find the paper they gave me and see if there is a number on it. So much for getting hope up.
It's not that bad, I think, but I am returning to that high calorie high carb bread and pasta and chocolate and frosting and sweets addiction again. I am the only one who cares enough to do anything about my self-destructive ways (thank you J, for being the only attentive and consistent voice of reason and caring outside of my head these days) but it's not so much a "nobody cares" thing as it is a self-indulgence.
Where's the food?
Meanwhile, back to distractions and healthier activities like typing and babbling, I installed an FTP program and updated Libboland again. Just the eyes, but enough revision to actually update the "last updated" date for the first time in three years. Of course now that I wrote this, I just updated ears enough to update it's "last updated" date. Could Libbo be waking up again (how many times will Amy lee be singing that song, aye?). Yeah, so anyway, I reconnected to my website and who knows where that might lead.
Then there were some pen-pal sites to check out if I want to make more time though interpals and globalepenfriends are at the top of the list as they are free and recommended most online and one I think I will check out a bit more is a site for writers to share their works and connect. Memories of Paper Fantasies and The Writer's Exchange, two small publications I published when Candor Communications was productive in the 1990s come rising from deep down and the desire to go through the stuff in storage in New York rises again and I'll just move along now because there's nothing to see here, go about your business.
One of the people on interpals suggested (in her profile, just one connection so far and that seemed oddly forced or "canned" but I send a long response anyway which I will include below because you want all the dirt, drama, and details, right?) playing the game at this site and I got into it for a couple of hours, reaching level 15 or so... there are 150 levels and only a few dozen have reached level 150 (the site says hundreds of thousands have tried). It's a riddle and code site if you are into such stuff. Much fun for me.
Speaking of that response to the interpals message, here it is (preceded by the message I was responding to):
I am wishing you 12 months of happiness; 52 weeks of fun;365 days of laughter; 8,760 hours of favor; 5,256,000 minutes of joy; 31,536,000 seconds of success.
Merry Christmas and Happy new year in advance.
(hername)@hotmail.com
Greetings to you am glad to reach you through this site, am a female kathy. by name, i got your contact on site as i was browsing so i decided to write to you for a friendship, you can write me back, please get back to me as soon as possible my contact email is (hername@hotmail.com)
And my response:
Hi (hername),
Thank you for the wish and greeting - I like your way with words, simple, to the point, and creative. Also, numbers are fun for me but more, each moment matters. I'd be happy with 16,000,000 seconds of happiness, fun, laughter, favor, joy, and success as that would be more than half my time and the rest of the time I'd be working toward it :)
I am male, ric, and signed up on this site impulsively yesterday. I am not sure I am going to use it. I am not sure I will have time for correspondence on a regular basis and I doubt I will respond immediately often simply because life is not that structured these days - but I do write often for myself. Writing is one of my ways of processing life and whatever is going on inside and around me. The written me can be very different than the off-page me as I dump all the negativity, complaining, whining, and unpleasantness into words and then laugh at myself (and the pathos in the words) and move along to the next moment. Sometimes the words are relatively meaningless distractions (there is a lot of that in recent times) and sometimes I feel like a genius (that passes quickly upon further reflection). Sometimes there is prose and sometimes there are rhymes, mostly I let the words flow as an extension of my thought process. That is the writing process for me. This might become part of a profile if I put one here, so thank you for helping me introduce the writing process as I know it.
I am not sure what I am looking for on this website (or from other people in this life). The bottom line desire in me is honesty - being as real and sincere and present as possible is what I seek from myself as anything else is even more fleeting than life itself and often meaningless. I rarely sense a real sincere presence from people, at least not one they want to share.
The saddest aspect of this life is that honest love seems to be too vulnerable for most people to share, but it is my quest (Don Quixote and me - and I laugh even as I am at my most serious on this point). Friends tell me they admire that even as they tell me I am not being realistic. I smile and continue as being true to honest love and myself is always the greatest personal joy in this life. :)
I find explaining the words "honest love" helps not only introduce me, but helps clarify communication, especially in written words. I use the term to express the innocent, genuine, unencumbered, and unconditional love that I want to send out from me. It is not meant to suggest anything more, not sensual, not romantic, not any sort of expectation or obligation. Just a wish for you to feel safe, secure, cared for, and happy. It is honesty without harm, caring without expectation, love without obligation, and a moment of serenity. My intention is to care and inspire a genuine smile.
Mostly, in recent times, life has been full of frivolous fun and that is, well, fun, but I do seeks a sense of deeper meaning, more personalized caring, more purposeful sharing - though I admit I do not seek it with all my heart/mind the way I used to. When I ask myself why, I can see many scars and waning hope as rational reasons, but mostly I don't think about it.
It is just as likely that I sit here watching the world go round and round because I have little to offer in life these days. I have no income and savings dwindles. I am staying with a generous friend and have contemplated living in my car - a bohemian lifestyle I have enjoyed in the past when it was my choice to travel and explore. I have been alive for 60 years (I put as little identity information as possible online and a date of birth is one of those identifiers used to confirm identity in secure communications, so I use 12/1/73 because it was a pivotal date akin to a rebirth in my personal history - no deception is intended, just personal identity security) and much of it was what our culture would call success and luxury and some of it was what our culture would call failure and poverty. My perspective is not based on the material world as what matters to me is what is inside people (and other living beings).
What matters most to me (is an ever changing carousel with honest love at it's core) overall is caring and nurturing friends and trying to live life each moment as positively as possible. Today my priority is finding income so I can return the gifts friends have given me and regain more independent options, so each day I send out resumes and enjoy the free time because "free time" is the greatest luxury I have experienced in this life.
I have known times of immense euphoric joy and times of overwhelming traumatic pain in my time on this planet and it is a wonderful life. I hope to share more honest love and fun adventures with friends. I treasure the few true friends I know and hope to find a few more along the way, If I find a few people who understand me, all the more wonderful it will be.
There is a bit of an introduction (too much for a profile?... it may keep the superficial and the Phishers away... or not... rhetoric questions amuse me. :)
This is all the time I have for the moment. I hope your day is smiling (at least smiling more than frowning) and your end of calendar year holidays are as merry happy joyous as you want them to be.
I send this with no expectations, just a thank you for your positive words and a wish for your happiness - and a thank you for helping me with my profile. :)
Maybe the website message system gave the message she sent a "canned" formatting. Perhaps I should note that this person's "name" on the site is xxxlove11 and laugh at the attempt to initiate a phishing expedition, but I used the interest, whatever the motive, to inspire me to write another introductory letter and that gave me, with a bit of editing, a profile for the penpal website which I linked yesterday or earlier and here again, wait, did you miss it?... it's right here lol.
Yeah, I ain't too proud to beg nor am I opposed to flagrant self-promotion from time to time (as you may have noticed). Anyway, I received an email saying she responded so I went back to the site and check and it was a message back asking me to email her (with no mention at all of my long and winding message to her and her account was grayed our and "inactive") so I did send the message via email, but two strikes (canned initial contact and rush to email with a suddenly deactivated account) do not bode well for her chances in my world. I shall see if she redeems herself when she replies by email.
Can you stand the excitement? How about the sarcasm? Yeah, and there you have an entry for today. Hope you enjoyed it. I am off to the kitchen to do some cleaning and such. Keep hopeful, your prince (or princess) might be right around the corner (though I doubt she's in the fridge) lol lam.
Narf :)
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