Two Days Pass

When two days pass and I am not here and I have not been busy and have been within a foot of the computer for the vast majority of the hours in the two days, that is not a good sign. At least I have not beeing completely gone (or so I claim. It is a sign that hope is waning and giving up is happening and as usual, nobody cares enough to notice. I have a couple of life lines left, though none ready or willing to take any action. Passive assistance when I reach out personally, one on one, no one actively caring abbout me.

The Maharaja opened his home and while he has not confirmed an ok for my staying past the New Year, I am hopeful that he will. It is a hope based on hope alone though, and I have way too much proof that such hope is often just vapor and illusion, so I am preparing for the car. J is there in email in words and I so appreciate her (you, when you are here) for that, but she has obstacles that prevent her from doing more (300 miles away is a big one, but much more than that) and I understand that completely. Softball team people are out there, somewhere, and one called to invite me to pitch for her team this weekend in a charity tournament, but all the teams are on hiatus and I can't afford the tournaments (though I am going to this one because it's $20 and a donation toy) because I am concerned that the body may be calling it quits and I want to find out what's going on inside before my doctor's appointment on Monday).

I have been more alone than I am before, just not as long term (aging) tired.

Jackson has her own life and is gone from mine, except for texts, and she is activelt reducing the texting we do. She says we text excessively and it is healthy for us to stop. Yeah, probably, if I had any hope in life, if she was not the one who was supposed to be family who I took care of for so many years, financially and emotionally... if she was not moving on just when I needed her (or someone to show me believing in people was not a fool's errand) most. Healthy for her, perhaps, but for me, it's just another abandonment in a life of abandonment and somewhere deep inside her she knows it. She's just not strong enough to give back what I gave her. I get it. I accept it, mostly (I accept it is her choice, accepting "she can't" is selling her short and I believe in her heart - who she really wants to be is not who she is today so i still believe and will not give up on her - or "accept", completely). I forgive.

Harpo is another who, in his heart, wants to do so much more. He has less means than Jackson on some levels and has even more emotional obstacles. He is another who would try to do anything for me and yet, here we are.



There are other perspectives. The religious have a similar song (look up Talley's The Broken Ones, if you are interested in that perspective), but I love (as you know if you've read me along the way) Dia's lyrics, perspective, and more. In this world where most people settle for illusion, superficial illusion at that, I seek something else, something I consider more. All We Need Is Love is bullshit to this culture even as most people say they believe in such platitudes. Greed festers around insecurity to distort, corrupt, putrefy, and ultimately vitiate all the good intentions. I have been called dreamer and fool, lacking common sense, mentally ill, and worse. Still, I see no point in giving up my perspective and buying into the ways of the world. I'd rather be homeless than sell my self (religious can call it soul) for an superficial, meaningless relationship with an illusion and an empty home.



So don't go breaking my heart, aye? (with a wink, a nod, and a smile with a slight giggle behind it).

How much of this ramble (and perspective) is self-pity and how much is onjective reality is a matter of perspective. I know there is both in these words, even if no one else sees the objective reality. It can be compared to those who would claim that there are those who would claim she is the perfect representative millenial and some would see no truth or objective reality in the claim, while there clearly is truth and objective reality in how representative the edaggerated pity party has become for our obscenely spoiled, entitled, and wasteful culture (the theme and marketing for her is a bit genius (and perverse, but watch it sell)), even though the lyricists are shallow and very weak at times, but then, that is how it is today, isn't it?). She could well be the next Madonna Gaga. Distraction for the win.



You decide.

Narf too :)