Blow Taps

Lost words lost words lost words again. Stop me before I self-destruct with a paper and pen. What can I do without money to pay for a life? Don't tell me the solution is finding a rich wife. Ha ha ha, ho ho ho, she is just a dream. That is what many have done through history it seems. I think that is just one of the biggest mistakes in life I've seen. Life is hard enough alone if you know what I mean.

Rich wives may apply here. Please include a recent photo of yourself.

If you've been following along today, you know that we were right on the edge of either repairing the hard drive or using the coffin and plot I purchased (there was not much hope, but I always hope unconditionally even as I prepare for the worst).

So... so sad (play all the sad hopeless tragic songs you can find). The hard drive is gone. It does not show up at all anywhere. It is not even found by Hiren's Boot Disk. At least Hiren let me reboot back into Mini-XP (so here we are) and I can still access the internet to some degree. Here is my first reaction:

OK, we are back. The hard drive, however, is not. Whatever Victoria tried to do, she damaged the hard drive beyond repair. It is not even accessible anymore, which is sad, because before I let Victoria try to remap the drive, could at least access the stuff on that drive. So I caution you to stay away from Victoria for anything but reading a drive as she is not what she is represented to be on the pages that touted her virtues.

Needless to say (except that I apparently need to say it), the sadness is visceral.

Emotional hunger is overwhelming and it has hurt me this past month so I am doing my best to find enough will power to overcome it. Jackson called, first time in weeks or longer. Texting a few times every day is still not the same as hearing a voice. I guess she still needs time and space, but for me it just leads to more over-zealous excitement and the illusion of neediness that comes from feeling unnecessary and/or useless to her. That may make it more challenging for her to call or see me because of her own stuff. I know her guilt in not following through on promises to repay some of the money I gave her hurts her and I wish she'd get over that either by keeping her promise or forgiving herself cuz my forgiveness and reassurances that she is just as welcome in my unconditional world as she always was does not seem to help. I don't think just ignoring it, burying it, and pretending it is not there really resolves anything in any relationship on any level and ultimately, I think that approach does more harm than good in dividing people and eating a person emotionally and psychologically from the inside. But then, she may disagree based on her instincts or all the book learning she has. She is the therapist after all. Of course this disagreement with psychological theory was never logical to me (maybe psycho-logical, cha ching), but not logical.

Ah, so I used the conversation with Jackson to find humor and some will power as I ate oatmeal and yogurt with raw potato flour and a bit of chocolate syrup (nobody's perfect) and while I still feel the emo-hunger, the belly is full. All the tired horses (computer, distance, betrayals, loneliness, helplessness, hopelessness, pending disasters, whatever) could not bring me down tonight. I will do what I must do tomorrow. Bank to refresh the checking account so the auto-pay (car, storage, phone, etc) will be covered and Best Buy to check out options for the laptop.


For now, sleep.