longing more than ever
longing for love
for someone to care
and to quell the ache of longing
I distract all my senses
with flavor satisfaction
I am a foodie, but more than a foodie, I food is my lover, my mistress, my friend. I welcome another, a foodie who loves me, a mind as wide open as mine, a heart that feels everything, and hope so infinite anything is possible... and i am still a dream... tell me i am not the only one?
Why am I lonely?
If I started answering the question you asked I might never stop writing. Why am I lonely.. let me count the ways. Time restraints force me to answer thusly: Someday my princess will come and until she does, I am lonely. Expounding a bit further, I am a hopelessly hopeful romantic, a complete and whole being within myself, yet living this life to share it as completely as possible with someone who wants to and can share it completely as possible with me. Until I find her (I am 99% sure she is a her), I am lonely. On the surface, I have a busy active social life. Inside, where it matters most, I am alone. Of course we all are inside, but I dream of sharing some magical mystery connection in there and dream of finding someone who dreams the same dream. My wavelength is rather uncommon as that person has yet to be found. Than you for asking. Even those closest to me in life seldom ask. Did I answer your question? :)
It was the answer to the question someone asked at diaryland after reading this entry (or was it this one?... yeah, ok)... why am I lonely? Loneliness is certainly not new, but a resurrgence has rising from the pounding it gives my subconsciousness and the return to Diaryland shows how deep it (as in the rabbit hole, ya know) goes. So lonesome I could die still plays loud and clear in the corners of my mind. Comments to DLand friends are telling... as are excerpts from letters to friends...
My currently increasing feelings come from a lifetime of loneliness, abandonment, betrayal, and being misunderstood by most everyone I've ever met and coming to terms with the sadness that the the few who did seem to understand me are gone. Then I look around at life and realize I have no comfortable place to sit back and relax because this living environment is filthy outside my bedroom door and I know some of the filth is in the air around me even in this room. I have no way to take a hot shower at the moment (warm is comfortable, but it does not kill germs nor does it provide the physical experience this body needs). I should consider a gym membership so I can feel the therapy and cleansing and healing that hot showers bring me. I eat poorly (sometimes balanced, but too much salt and chemicals) and have not cooked a meal that was not out of a can in more than a year, closing in on two years. I must trust the cans and the restaurants for food. The diet and filth are taking a toll on this body. I spend way too much money eating out because I want something prepared from scratch and that has kept my savings from growing to a point where I feel comfortable moving into a higher rent place. The savings do not grow. I feel deeply betrayed by a coach I was loyal to for many years and that dampens my softball experience and I feel more isolated and not belonging anywhere than I ever have before. I have no one close enough to me to talk to about any of this and a whole lot of other things since Jackson moved in with Brandi because all I my friends are not in that place of trust inside. In the last week or few, all this (and a lot more) has been rising to the surface from subconscious and it has been challenging to deal with.
My writings are threaded with these challenges and threaded with laments lately.
As usual, most of my writings are obscured by references only I understand amidst references to many other things that create a maze that would be very challenging for anyone to truly understand without sitting down in physical space and sharing eye contact and spending time exploring deeply with open eyes, mind, heart, and a desire to care, love and trust unconditionally, and become family. Or at least spend a lot of time sharing with a lot of intelligence. So few people ever knew me. So few people ever came close enough, shared enough, took enough time.
Every now and then, and again this week, I've found myself wandering back to Diaryland to find familiar writers and words and maybe why all the connections I've made along the way online and offline have not stayed connected. It seems so challenging to stay connected to anyone in this life and I wonder sometimes if that is just me. Maybe my abandonment as an infant and lack of biological connections factor in somehow.
That is when I ordered pizza and an eggplant parm sub. Ah, taste distraction. I did not feel like eating out alone and it started raining as I approached here so I ordered. The last thing this body needed wee all the calories, but I have I ate the entire sub and almost all of the 16 inch pizza. Onions, pepperoni, and extra cheese. Delicious,but definitely wrong for the body. I hope the digestive system does not clog up, the anus is just finally starting to be less painful.
Living like a refugee is not so much fun alone.
Emotional eating has increase the weight to close to 220 again, the max weight I've known is right around there, maybe more. The tinnitus is loud, the blood pressure high, the sugar levels high, probably some other imbalances going on that are not too healthy... all in all, it's a slow suicide most people do, especially in this country.
Will power has been lacking the last few months.
That likely has tainted writings with some darkness. Doubt. Depression. Dimwittedness. I thought I was finding some of the old positivity and hopefulness recently when I started reaching out to people in the pen pal world site but I have not heard back from anyone since the second letters. Sad. Maybe I wrote too much. Maybe it's ageism. Maybe it's something else. I don't want to pretend or change who I am to attract someone to want to share with me. But I so much want some one to want to share with me. If I pretend or change, I am not me.
I just watched The Uninvited and 10 Cloverfield Lane both creepy movies that distracted me from the lonely life in this pace. You may have adapted to your life in your space, but I am still only happy in my head, not in this physical world. It makes sense to me.
I should sleep now. Another busy workweek begins tomorrow. Loving the work helps pass the time. Every Monday morning I wonder if any of my pants will fit... have to laugh at that, even though there is sadness about it too. I guess fat people stay jolly by forgetting how they are killing themselves. I wish I could forget a lot of things sometimes... then again, I don't.
I hesitate...
Why do I hesitate?
The TV hesitates too. Poor reception. Antenna TV. I live in a time warp. Eb, the landlord slash roommate lives to save money for retirement. He plays an old video game on a very old computer on a twelve inch square screen. He rarely browses the web, I've not seen him check email, and that game is the only thing I have ever seen him do with the computer When he is home, he is either watching Star Trek on the Heroes & Icons TV channel or playing that game. He has very old mismatched furniture that is very uncomfortable so even those rare times when his clothes are not covering them, I do not sit on them. He has a treadmill so old, it sits folded in a corner. I don't use the kitchen except to heat things in the microwave and occasionally in the oven. It is not clean enough to do any more. He is a strange, peaceful, obese man and I pay him twice his mortgage for a room here.
I play softball four days a week. My fifth league was washed out by the hurricane for this season. I have not found a close friend playing softball. Perhaps I hesitate too much or... perhaps I am not longer compatible with human beings. I have become too much like others I do not like. Assimilating into emotional turmoil and confusion. It makes no sense, but then, that is exactly my point. Human beings make no sense.
To play with irrational children, one must become an irrational child.
Maybe.
I stopped chasing love. I stopped taking the lead in relationships. I reach out and say hello, express who I am, and wait. I share here when there is no one to reach out to or when no one responds. Here I do not need response for I embrace various delusions that keep me hopeful.
Yet I still love for love. I want to share everything with someone who wants to share everything with me. It is my fondest dream. It is my most present and powerful desire. It is unfulfilled.
That is why I am lonely.
Narf.
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