Even Longer

Even longer silence than in the brief daily where I wrote something like this (with much elaboration, extension, side saddling asides, parenthetic meanderings, and whatever, though perhaps not as much as this, in case it matters).

REMINDER TO SELF

(Include the following reminder in my blogs from time to time)

REMINDER TO YOU

Anyone mentioned in my rambling blogs (or anywhere in my online writings) who wishes more privacy that the writing provides (I do change names and withhold some details), please let me know.

If you don't let me know, I will not restrict my babbling any more than I do for anyone because any restriction is sharing less than everything and my ultimate goal in life is to share everything (and actualize being aware of being part of everything).

Only my caring about you and your wanting me to share less will keep me from sharing everything. I am fine with any restriction on my public postings you want - if that is what you want.

I just need to know what you want to be able to give that to you.

Kapish?
(Make sense?)

Hope so. :)

So ok then. Yes, Ok, then.

For the record (even though I do not play the record {or write or sing or compose or record it much} though it does remain available for the time it will be recorded), was likely the title of another entry in this blog and even more likely the title of many entries in many blogs and diaries and journals over the years and definitely was the start of many a writing session and similar to alright or alrighty or alright, then or even alrighty, then it opens the door to let's get serious or at the very least seriously or seriously, now, which is usually a step up (or a set up, depending on perspective... and yes, everything is perspective {or perspective is everything, which is another philosophical superlative we can explore some other time}, but before this turns into something like that, let's figure out what I came here to write and write it, right?)

Cuz I really truly seriously won't give up on you, in case it matters, m'ok? :)

The facts is that the facts continue to include the reality that time keeps on slipping slipping slipping (repeated as necessary, even as nauseam, ad too, even) and we (all and us, us being everyone who ever did or will read this and the specific people who shared moments of this life somewhere along the way and especially the few who came close enough to create permanent bonds {as opposed to bondage}, which gives the drifting away a sense of exponentially greater distance and time and the more keep drifting farther apart it seems), or closer together in some sticky connection of wishes, wannas, and perhaps some guilt and shame for those who indulge in those drugs, again, depending on perspective.

I did mention that so much depends on perspective, after all. In fact, probably everything (depends on perspective), but then, as I also mentioned somewhere, if not here, superlatives are such potential trouble we should leave them for lovers and the mad among us.

So seriously, where did the time go?

Let's calendarize it, if we can...

Tuesday went to work and softball. Yay softball (most of the time). It was the usual pleasant work experience including a couple of productive meetings and improved connections with the powers that be in the county as I venture further into a few projects the other end of the third floor (where the County Manager and her minions and the County Commission hold court in their very comfortable and personalized offices... mine is a small sterile box within a box shared by a file area and a break area for others and storage, alas, but that is so much like life for me that it is comfortable, mostly, as I am so randomly attached and irrelevantly irreverent (or irrevalent, even) about the material world except when some thing connects with some one who matters to me, but that's a just one ore difference between me and most everyone else that provides yet one ore challenge to fit into the cultural milieu).

Then, continuing Tuesday, there was frustrating softball (so rare in recent seasons as I awaken) as a team with excellent place hitters deliberately hit line drives at my head (caught one for an out, ducked under one I should have caught {which increased my frustration}, and knocked down the third for an out when I picked it up and threw to first base). The first hitter apologized, which is good sportsmanship and protocol. The second said nothing because it was purposeful to try to rattle me. The third, after I protested to the umpire, taunted me from the dugout (I stopped the ball and threw to first or the out. Sigh, why wasn't that enough.

What upset me personally is these people were supposed to be friends (I hugged a couple before the game and see them at the fields very often and played with a few on other teams) and it turns out that they wanted to win the championship so badly they didn't care if they hurt me in the process. What frustrated me most was that I gave them what they wanted, I let them get to me and changed my pitching style to protect myself rather than get more aggressive and competitive the way I used to. I can hit where I want to most of the time and can hurt a pitcher if I want to, but I am happy I didn't - now.

During and after the game I was very frustrated that I changed my pitching style to make it easier for them, which is what they wanted and affected by hitting at my head. I was also frustrated with the umpires that they did not caution the team after the first, second, or third ball hit right at my head (usually there is a caution after the first time a ball is hit directly at a pitcher - not an accusatory warning, but a caution to control their hitting if they can - and this team could). Usually, the second ball hit right at a pitcher is a warning and automatic out and the third is an automatic out and ejection and sometimes, in tournaments, a disqualification and loss for the aggressive team.

Anyway, life goes on and I will not be hugging those players again and they know exactly why.

Wednesday went to work and dinner and Jackson, the usual pleasant work with another productive meeting and I so love this job and hope it lasts as long as I can keep working and need income. Then a delicious dinner and as usual, some wonderfully frustrating and rewarding moments with Jackson and this time with more hope and eye contact than usual. Maybe I am finally getting through to her. Or maybe I am just buying her attention once again as I paid for some overdue charges and late fees (for the first time in almost a year, so I have drawn boundary lines and she did not ask and was opposed, but I took charge for a change and did not allow her to say no).

Hopefully she will learn and not fall back into her bad financial habits. Much (much much) more importantly (because money is so meaningless and relative in matters of honest love and trust - even though it destroys most relationships relationships because people live in the illusion that money matters so much more than it does in this delusional unenlightened culture), I hope she and Brandi work through the obstacles that money becomes for them and decide on whether a bank account or financial skills matters more than each other and the love they supposedly share. It is so sadly conditional now, I do not understand why it is not clear that conditional love is wrong. It so rarely ends well.

I really do not understand people and their materialism.

Continuing with this week, Thursday went to work and fun and, well, I'm not sure. Work was a full day training in Traffic Control (MOT Intermediate Training), which was great information for my for my job and beneficial for my relationships with the few dozen county workers in the training with me. After class, which ended 2:30 pm, I pondered what to do and I decided I would eat at the Chinese buffet because my will power waned and blah blah blah whatever other stupid excuses I used to ignore the health and comfort I give up by maintaining the weight and especially with the current infection at the end of my digestive tract that does not seem to be responding to the usually array of treatments I use (recommended by doctors too... I have a Doctor appointment for next Thursday morning and tests scheduled for tomorrow and Monday so I am not neglecting the body, just not doing everything I possibly can to try to fix it - mostly because I do not know if the sacrifices of comfort food would fix it for sure or if the added stress and negative aspects of giving up comfort foods completely would contribute to further ailments).

So anyway, I had some time to wait before the dinner buffet started and I did not want the lunch buffet so I called Harpo and a long conversation with Harpo occupied at least an hour while waiting for the dinner time to start and then I drove to the buffet and it started pouring so I sat in the car waiting for the torrential rain to subside for almost an hour and by then it was almost 6 pm. Dinner was not as good as it is some nights at this usually very good buffet, but still very enjoyable. Alone, as usual. The semi-bloat was acceptable, even if it was not ideal for the digestive issues, and then comes the hmmmm (the ncertain memory time) some writing to J and TV and sleep, perhaps... hmmmm... not bad hmmmm, just some the cloud of hmmmm that comes when memory fogs, usually because sleep comes early... I think I may have spoken to Jackson, or at least texted, and I am not so sure I was as confident that she would not fall back into her same old pattern of self-destructing money mismanagement again. Sigh.

Horse, water, drink... it's all up to the horse.

Than came Friday. Friday went to work and medical appointments for me and banking for Jackson and then dinner at home and TV and impulsive snacks a movie and sleep. I messed up the medical stuff by forgetting an appointment I had and the tests I had to do coming up to the appointment. The doctors send paper reminders and I don't get to the PO Box daily and usually just let paper mail go from my hands to a pile where it sits for weeks or months or ears (there is unopened mail in storage in new York state from the 80s, no doubt, though lately I am much better at throwing out paper mail after some modicum of time).

So anyway (a whole lot of that in this one, isn't there?), I made calls and rescheduled and luckily talked my way into appointments within the same week (pretty special accomplishment considering the doctor is a specialist, a Hematologist at a Cancer Center... that's where his office is and I am seeing him for Anemia and he assured me he sees no sign of cancer in any of my previous test results and this is a to-month follow up visit after my two-day stay at the hospital for a single bout of heat exhaustion that shut down my kidneys and they do take complete renal failure seriously cuz it leads to imminent death or dialysis, but my kidneys restarted immediately after IV fluids started so my bad, just a false alarm for my deteriorating kidneys and I remind myself to take the Florida heat even more seriously again than I already do from now on).

Yeah, so anyway... I closed an account for Jackson which relieved a whole pile of stress she's been dragging around for more than a year - same old habits, alas. She does not seem to want to understand the simple fact that responding to a spark is so way much easier and safer and less grief and less stress and less self-abuse than letting that spark start a fire that burns (in her finances and in her mind and in her gut, physically) for as long as she tries to ignore and avoid thinking about it or taking action to put it out.

Taking action to immediately extinguish a spark or small fire is so much easier than dealing with the inferno that can result in ignoring the first flames.

Friday night and Saturday softball is on hold until next season, so last night and this morning and afternoon was and is lonelier and more or less whatever than usual (and Eb had a dinner guest he did not tell me about last night which cramped my activity a bit and reminded me I do not actually live here but I simply rent a room and this room is my only space for any modicum of freedom or comfort). I did not know the nature of the dinner guest (personal, professional, romantic, friendly, political) and I did not want to dress to walk past them to the bathroom or shower (nd I sure did not want to stink up the place and it is so small and the intake for the air conditioner is right above the bathroom door so poop does stink up the place) and there is no way out of this room except right into the big space which is living room, eating, and kitchen are) and besides all those considerations, I had nowhere I wanted to go outside).

And that brings us to this morning.

All caught up and nowhere to go. I slept well. Today is anything I want it to be and I want it to be quite, restful, and peaceful and so it is so far. The thermostat that was set for 78 degrees yesterday evening (dinner guest temperature I suppose) was back to 83 when I woke so it was once again hot and sticky. After the first few months saving hard, the last few months of casual frivolous and sometimes extravagant spending as not helped bolster the savings account to the point of making it easy for me to find a place to live that will not require extreme changes in my pleasure activities, so I dwell here because it is convenient for work and $550 a month. It should be $350 or less, but that's another story.

Note to self... take the financial aspect of moving into more comfortable space more seriously. Please.

Yeah, so... Later I go to Helen to help her set up new security cameras for her house and then dinner. Not so much later anymore as it is well into the afternoon and I have about enough time to wake the body up, clean up a bit, shower and drive to her house to be there at the time we set, 4 pm.

So (so, so so... like is so so these days... lol at the fun of language), what's up in your world? I know I ramble on too much here for you to respond. I know you have many reasons for not responding. But I miss you and hey, here's a thought - let's catch up someday, m'ok?) :)

Just a reminder - If anyone mentioned in my babbles

PS... for those of us who sometimes forget and have to look it up, like me...

Eminent describes anyone who's famous. Imminent refers to something about to happen. Immanent (with an "a" in there) is inherent, like that good attitude you were born with.

So am I eminent for my immanent need for imminent learning? (sort of)

Evidently.

Narf :)