As If It Needs To Be Something Profound

With videos or photos or multi-media of sorts never combined before, as if that is the definition of creativity, but then, definitions are made to be redefined, as the are little more than temporary agreements between people trying to communicate with each other, which is, unto itself, a relatively selfish, and therein, momentary and even random interaction, if it is an interaction at all, so whatever all this means, it is what it is, whatever you want it to be in your mind...

There was this time, in another blogosphere...

Timelessness

I have an innate love of timelessness, of blogging places that do not time-date stamp entries. For that reason alone I should love Timblr and that brings me to wonder why I am so seldom here. In the timeless past (scroll back to keep up) I wondered if I was simply not here enough to gather any sort of following and if the feeling of isolation kept me from remembering to post something here. I still blog daily in several places online, after all.

Another uniqueness that I love about this particular blog is that I was able to actually get my name as an account name when I joined. Yes, my name is candor and that is the most powerful why of all the whys I turn down all offers to give up this blog. I am candor the stumblr, here on tumblr only occasionally for no apparent reason, often just to wonder why I am not here more often, to admire some of my favorite tumblr blogs, and to explore new images and people and ideas and more.

One reason I do not come here is the dashboard does not seem to alow paragraphs and I write a lot. Sometimes. It’s iffy and random. Inconsistent, to saay the least. So I do most of my babbling elsewhere.

I usually come here with the excitement of seeing some old friends that I have not seen for some time. Sadly, I noticed a few of my favorite people are censored now. Perhaps the me-too movement or the church molesting children or other cultural tides have influenced the decision and ebbed the freedom of expression tumblr wishes to offer. That freedom of expression was one uniqueness of tumblr that made it so special and was the very close second reason I kept this account even when it is sleeping. Perhaps tumblr had an incident or two that scared the powers that run the community, but it is disrespectful of tumblr to think we are too stupid to turn on content filtering if we do not want to explore what our culture hides from children (which is a whole other concept to ponder for another time). It is a blow to one of the most unique communities online and now leaves tumblr lumped in with all the others.

Anyway, what brought me here today was reminiscing about an old friend who used to write a comic (and so much more) who lead me to Oglaf who’s holiday cartoon message was just what I was looking for as I sent holday messages to some friends. Following Oglaf’s tumblr link, I found the disurbing change that left me wondering what tumblr will become now. Another shallow momentary distraction like instagram or vine or perhaps even just another internet community site that fades into internet oblivion. Or perhaps a place where children will gather to be children, whatever that means. That seems to be what the powers at tumblr want.

Still, being this is the time of year for hope and seasonal cheer, or something like that, my hope for this holiday season is we get over our fears and stop trying to control everything as much as we do. Fears lead to insecurity and greed, which comes from the fear of not having enough. That leads to fighting over resources, property, idealogy, and even people (as labor and followers are resources too).

My hope is that unconditional love and the freedom to explore and learn and create wonder and excitement and meaningful emotions and ideas will not be extinguished by those who fear.

I believe we must trust the innocence and kindness and caring within us and when we grow and learn fear, trust the children to remind us that we are wrong to fear and limit our - and their - ability to learn and make our own choices in life.

Of course it’s all relative as life is momentary and timeless and we come and go in the blink of an eye. It is all so very random and maybe that is what scares people, but for me, that is the wonder and excitement to be shared and enjoyed. Even when it is dull, sad, or seems like a complete waste of time.

Perhaps that is what this blog is meant to represent.

Sometimes the best we word is…

Narf :)

Then, in another blososphere, the message might be different, but then, communication is all in the minds of those attempting such a follow, I mean, to understand the concepts in someone else's mind, to understand the experiences someone else experiences, to understand the senses only the one senses them could possible completely experience and therein, understand.

The universe as many blogospheres and there are an infinite number of universes beyond mine. Cutething may have understood once, are you still out there, cutething? Oh the places we might have gone, you brilliant, beautiful mind. Oh. the creativity we could find. Magic is only creativity beyond current understanding, after all.

What genius is this?

Later, perhaps.

Narf :)

Not Singing, Blues

So day two, another mile on the elliptical after softball after a 12 hour day at work and just 300 calories. Blurry eyes stare at this screen. and I was doing well. And then, the loved longed for love...

sometimes you only get half the story... I scrolled through thousands of images to find the ones in this entry, maybe to prove a point, maybe to get a message out here to someone or anyone or no one.... two nights ago, or so, I wrote this (and tonight I elaborate with depressed irreverence, or perhaps irreverent depression, seriously? lol...

These are the nights it is most challenging not to snack or eat too much. Even though I have softball early tomorrow (I think this was Saturday night). Sometimes I just want to know I'm cared about (and the silence becomes deafening, so I talk to myself in words that pour out on the a page like this cuz at least I care) and some nights I just want to share something, talk, walk, game, song, something (so I write cuz sharing takes two and I am alone, but I can pretend I am two... or I can pretend you are listening, caring, sharing)....

I don't reach the point of writing you too often anymore (who could that be now?). It's a little sad that I have gotten so used to being alone that I don't get this lonely anymore (see, just a couple of days and blah, who cares, move alone, nothing to see here, just a pathetic lonely kid looking for attention and amusing himself with words). Maybe I do (what?... feeling lonelier than the loneliest lonely one in the universe ever?), I just ignore the Whipporrwills lol, sigh. :)

I want to trust someone (I think. Really, I do, but I don't really trust people based on their inconsistencies, insensitivities, and lack of awareness) and get close to someone again (I would love to, but who wants to get near my brand of honesty, which is completely open and unafraid?), I just don't know anyone I want to trust and get close to (come on, prove me wrong, I dare you). People just seem so emotionally messed up to me (I wish someone would prove me wrong, really I do). Is that all in my mind, or elitism, or ego, or wrong? (still nobody answers, not even the ones who say they care the most, so it must be all in my mind, right?)

I don't think so.

I don't want to sleep with drama, confusion, and fear anymore. Aain and agin I ask, do you know anybody who'd got none of that? lol (and I laugh through the jeers, see rainbows through the tears, am tired of the fears that stops anyone who cares, so no one shares, so no one shares, oh... no one shares). Wah wah wah, nobody wants to come to my pity party (but it's my party and I'll cry if I want to cuz you don't own me... yeah, anybody get the references?

Ok, stop now.

I'm not really asking you for anything, so stop your guilt (and if you don't learn how to so you can be closer to others, you're relationships will always be on the brink of failure, cuz your guilt is your wall, and I think you know that by now.... Have you looked at the graphic and idea in the last email yet?... You need to be in the upper right quadrant, we all do... tell me if you think you don't, really... most people aren't ad wonder why they have issues and confusion and emotional challenges or obstacles).. I may share that graphic with you some time, but for now, I haunt you with the greatest comedian ever...

Partly lol. sigh, do you get it yet?

Just writing this to you helps me believe I am not as alone as I feel right now, so thanks. I hope you can understand the good feeling and not focus on your guilt or the loneliness. Diminishing the loneliness is a good feeling. :)

I will try to get some sleep now (I lied, just as I am lying now, because food is cooking and I will start today, which is the day after the 300 calorie day, with at least 1000 calories, and then fall asleep. Fool, whatever, who cares). Yeah, there was softball at Red Bud tomorrow, bad news field (twice put me in the ER and several times put me close to going, but every time it is just uncomfortable because there's no water or shade and there are crappy bathrooms and I've got this body that needs water and shade and clean facilities.

Naturally, the truth comes out. If you paid attention, you'd have known. That's probably a large part of why I am not sleeping. And you thought it was just loneliness.... actually, the body increases the loneliness cuz nobody knows and nobody cares to know and nobody cares to care to inquire... I go through my days hoping I don't have to poop, like there tomorrow, and hoping I won't be in pain all week from dehydration does to my gastrointestinal tract...

I'm not gonna give in to this body though. Not no way, no no how (thank you lion). Never give up, never surrender. I'm not gonna sit home so I can be near a bathroom. Just need to not let this get me lonely and feeling alone like this... am I rambling... am I confusing you?... am I leaving out information? (Well, the parentheses were not in the original, because I protect you from stuff that will trigger your guilt and make you sad and helpless and ashamed that you don't care more about me, so no worries, you didn't get the parentheses and likely will never see this entry, so all is well... for you). That's just the way I love sometimes.

Ok, this feels better.

Yup. Telling you and believing you care. Thank you for that. I do believe you care, not just because I know in your heart you really want to but you're just afraid to, feeling inadequate and overwhelmed by your own feelings of helplessness and confusion and guilt and shame and all that mixed-up puddle of thinking errors that you drown your mind in. I wish you'd stop cuz it hurts you most.

Hopefully I'll be feeling great tomorrow during and after practice (I felt tired, but I also felt good, and whatever, I forget the rest, because, well, oh, forget it).

Hopefully you didn't buy a knife set lol (inside joke).

If you did, tell me and I'll take it back and get something else...

And then, tonight, I wrote this...

Oh well, I came to whine a bit... wishing you would care enough to KIT when it mates most... second night on the elliptical after softball after 12 hours at work... feeling old (tell me I can still do this)... sucks to feel old (especially alone with no one to believe in me)... gonna keep trying to do a mile a night (push for more) and hope I feel less old soon (hope, alone, but still, hope)... laughing (genuinely laughing, the madness of wanting to be one with someone else while knowing that is impossible without mutually shared delusion which can be mutually assured destruction and still, part of me want to take that change again...

if someone would convince me they are worth it, but there's no one even close to trying and sadly, no one even encouraging me to believe it could happen... not even my bestest closest friends), but still not happy about feeling old... sucks to grow old alone (when nobody cares)... sucks to feel old pushing exercise and wondering if I can do what I did just last year (that can be scary, to die without love... I can die, that's the easy part, but without love, it's so much sadder... one of these years it'll be no more... no more chances... gotta be my own coach... my own best friend... my own positivity... my own hope... do it for me...

ok, no more whining (oh really?)...

pushing used to be fun... pushing this body, that is... challenging me to be better each day... hope it will be again... soon... gotta just keep pushing... 300 calories today, that's good... at least it was until after midnight... softball and elliptical, that's good.... though softball mildly sucked due to two of the worst umps around and a team of wanna be home run hitters who fly out 9 out of 10 times)... there's always hope I won't always be alone, that's good (even if I'm the only one who knows or cares or believes in me)... i'm not dead yet (monty python joke lol, bring it), that's good... i'm still laughing (mostly) at the landslide coming at me, that's good... songs, films, so much more... where are you?... I still believe in you, that's good (even if you don't care if I do or don't most of the time)....

hope is good...

are you eating as you should?

I'm here to coach with unconditional love and and nobody can have enough coaches with unconditional love, ya know? (I want t believe you know).

you can do it!

And tonight I cooked four chicken wings, two fish fillets, four shrimp rolls, and a small pile of onion rings. Fried over food. I could have been asleep. I should have been asleep. I want more. The pathos of loneliness combined with the ethos of wanting to share and the emptiness of having no one to share with and the wisdom to know the delusion is folly while the world looks outside and above and below and the awareness to know the answers are all inside and the magic of being able to share that illusion of infinite connection and...

The truth is...

and yet, with hope, there is always hope.

So what were you doing tonight?

Narf :)

Worthy of Babble

Stop! In the name of love. A lucky minstrel play while corruption from the top down eats away at the core of any values we might have left, an the projects of a worklife absorb every moment of the day's attention, into the night. After reading the daily mail and texts, no time left for the introspective self-assessment. So sleep, dear innocent, and let ignorance wrap itself around you. May you wake refreshed and still alive.

There's always hope... I hope.

Though there is plenty of reason to believe that reason has lost to partisan politics and greed (did you know income inequality is not fixed by a simple tax change, especially not when the experts underestimate costs of living, but then, look who we elect as our leaders, millionaires and billionaires. Oligarchs. Put a cutthroat businessman in charge and you expect his lifetime of being a ruthless businessman to end? Really? His business plan is borrow and spend and declare bankruptcy, which seems just like the government, except for the declaring bankruptcy escape room. If there was ever proof of the corruption in government and of the madness and ignorance (is this evil, or just stupid, self-serving, and vindictive?... when does a bully go too far?... and what is abuse of power, anyway??) of the people, it grows clearer every year.

The best years in the history of our country?

Only if you love divisiveness and conflict.

The best years in the history of our country?

You mean even better than the civil war years?

Yeah, you know what I mean. Then again, maybe you don't. Sometimes the paranoid amaze me, especially when you give them a little power. Give one a lot of power and, you know the saying is true, absolute power corrupts absolutely. Especially when there is no intelligent opposition. The dummies had their chance, many times, in fact, but they are experts at blowing chances. Meanwhile, the bullies are experts at manipulating the dummies.

Seems to be a time to ponder meglomania.

Me, I'm just an observer. If humans want to destroy themselves, I'll quietly say "I wish you wouldn't", to anyone and everyone who will listen, but I respect freedom. People are free to destroy themselves. Maybe I'm a libertarian at heart, but then again, if you really know me, just when one label fits, another won starts looking appealing. I'm always appealing off the label, get it?

My bottom line is honesty without harm. Look it up. :)

Also, I believe we are alive to enjoy life, to be happy, to have fun. That's my choice, no matter what. o one and nothing is going to take away that right No one and nothing is going to distract me or turn me away from that choice. Even though a lot of people do not realize it is a choice, even if a lot of people do not believe it is a choice. It is a choice. It is my choice.

Enjoy life, be happy, have fun.

What makes me happiest is caring and helping people, so that's what I do. The happiness is even more enjoyable when someone appreciates caring and help. I wish people would appreciate caring as much as animals do, but people usually don't. People are so insecure and most exhibit egomania without sensitivity or balance. That is sad, but I do my best to not let it make me sad, so I don't feel sad for long. I just keep caring and helping where help is accepted. I just keep trying to find people who appreciate caring.

Live, Love, and laugh.

For the record, I love pleasing my ego and I am the center of my universe, but I don't think I am better than anyone else just because I am. If you are not laughing, then you don't really know me. I won't tell yu if that was a joke, you'll just have to judge for yourself. If you can.

Enigmania is fun too.

Meanwhile, the mucous is flowing again and that's been making it challenging to lay down and sleep and that's making it challenging to exercise and that's making it challenging to keep the increase fitness and lose weight commitment. I am going to skip the elliptical tonight and let the muscles rest. If I can sleep . . .


What are we doing?


Narf lol :)

That's Not What I Meant (But it Could Still Be True)

So many times I don't mean what you may think I mean, but what you think I mean may be true just the same. It may happen to you as well, especially in blogging. For instance, just because I am referring to hump day as the mid-work-week day, does not mean I would not welcome a good sexual experience. There are likely better examples, but that one came to mind as I saw the title of previous entry before I started this one. Which leads me to wonder, do you have fantasies?

Fantasies. Did you think I was asking about sexual fantasies? Actually, now that I ask, I am. Originally, I was wondering if you had any recurring fantasies and what were the ones that rose up to your consciousness most. Your most frequent and desired fantasies may be sexual, but they may be something not physical at all. I would like to know.

My most frequent and intense fantasy can be summed up on these songs, in case you would like to know. Love, peace, happiness, honesty, sensitivity, awareness, comfort safety, security. Shared. Shared is squared, at least. Though shared can be to an infinite power too.

So don't let the laughter fool you, or the lust, for that matter. I could live without sex for the rest of this life if the rest would come. My laughter, especially in blogging, can be so momentary, so fleeting, so... lol... you may never come near the meaning even if we returned with more time and cared to delve deep into what might be felt beyond the lol. Within the laughter, the deepest feeling, and question, may slip right past you. Your laughter may be very different than mine :)

For instance, I entered 11/22/03 into a search box (I use ecosia these days, instead of google) and porn came up three times (you've been warned, so don't click in this paragraph if you don't want to see budity and sexuality, m'ok?) on the first page. Ecosia said it found 6,160,000 results. Oddly, I haven't searched for porn in months, at least, and seldom do. I haven't ever searched for it n ccosia, so that can rule out cookies or search memory or whatever. I tried 11/22/03 on google and it was very different. Google said it found about 20,800,000 results. Google obviously searches more databaes and pages than ecosia. Something to think about.

Planting trees and porn, ecosia is an interesting search engine lol.

Meanwhile, what I started out in this entry about was a lot deeper than deep throat or any sex thoughts. I mean, while sex can be quite distracting (if you paused to masturbate, I can wait). You have your fantasies, I have mine, if you recall. When I went to bed I though I was going to get a good long sleep, but the desire to share brought me back here and as the clock strokes past midnight, I wonder what you are doing and whether you feel alone in this world. Are we all just tangled up puppets?

Would you like to swing on a star?

There s a lot more to tis entry floating around in a variety of places (besides my head), but the date web search lead to other word searches, including for myself, and Hours later, simplicity still reigns, even if everyone complicates it.

T...b...c... ?

Narf :)

After Hump Day

Comes Thump Day. Yes, I just invented it, so when it catches on, you can send me the royalties. Just drop them in the ocean cuz that's most likely where I'll be scattered. We may be on the cusp of another sensibly insane period. Softball Monday, softball Tuesday, walk for 8 hours Wednesday, softball Thursday, and suddenly, I'm not craving the pizza TA has on the counter. Two yogurt and two protein drinks, about 400 calories, that's it. I hope lol. Will power like this has not been around for quite some times, so I don't know how long it will last. There's double stuffed oreos on the kitchen table. The kids are here, so the house is a calorie fest of junk food and sweet fatty snacks. The fried chicken on the table is calling me, but I reached for the yogurts and protein drinks. mishugana, give me strength. Hey, you ask your god, I'll ask whom I want, m'ok?

The yogurt is kind of old. It's not as sweet as it usually is. The bacteria is obviously winning. I only have forty seven more in the fridge. It was on sale and I was hoping I'd stop the pig-out and start the healthy lower calorie sensible eating habits. That was a month or two ago, at least. The better the aid digestions, my dears. I sense the potential for a dramatic change coming on. The elliptical is arriving in less than 10 days and maybe I am attempting to be ready for it. I want it to like me, after all. Exercise equipment mocks the fatties, in case you didn't know it. After gyms close, they get together and make fat jokes. They have to be careful in the 24 hour gyms cuz they never know when someone is gonna walk in. People don't like it when a gym seems haunted.

So it's gonna be another long weekend with the kids. Chatter, noise, food temptations, distractions sucking me out of my head and into the land of foodie heaven. I don't want to die in there, so it's time to take a vacation from my addiction. Fatigue lowers will power, so I really should sleep. The bedroom isn't big enough for a recliner or a big TV and I don't want to feel stuffed into one room when I don't have to be, so compromise. Remember how to ignore the temptations and all the rest so self-discipline can return. The healthiest and most aware and most me I've ever been were during times of being most alone. If only someone understood and could reach me there, life would be exponentially more amazing. I mean, imagine...

Two of me? lol.

Bring on the elliptical. Eight nights from now, I'll be able to ride it anytime I want. Will the physical life finally change for the ultimate last phase of physical high? That may be the plan, I mean, it cost more than my first brand new car (which was a Cougar decked out with every luxury option available at the time and it coasted along at 140 miles an hour for almost twenty four hours without dying. It did need new shocks and ties, but hey, so do race cars after 1900 miles at that speed and it wasn't even on a smooth track. I traded it in a year and a half later for a new Celica GT. That was fun too. Did you want to gt to know me through memories? Just ask, I sometimes tell lol).

There are some entries, actually hundreds, but I only have a few in the pipe near enough to remember where they are. It used to matter to me so much more than it does now. To keep the entries flowing, to keep tossing out the bottles, to keep the hope of being found alive.

I sometimes miss those days more than words can say.

So how are you?

Narf :)

Highs and Lows, Simultaneously

So we eat a strange cheesy quiche thing, and drink chocolate.

When you look for distraction, that s when it is hardest to find. I may be up all night, which would be suicide, or steps toward it, because I've been exhausted and nodding off earlier and over the last few weeks exhaustion has been increasing to levels it has not been in years, or longer. I have caffeine for tomorrow. Hopefully the heart will survive. Over-dramatic? Let's hope so. I wonder if someone would get through to me anymore if someone cared enough to try. I'm watching Supergirl and enjoying the distraction of her body. I would love to see more of her body. Sometimes yummy food and chocolate are not enough.

Earlier tonight, the fatigue another ticket from another pissy overnight shift cop, City of Lake Mary variety. Give a little man power and they piss on people. So many little men can't deal with their shortness without being a pissed off fuck power-tripping their way through life. The speed trap was a quick change to 40 when the rest of the road is 45 and there he was, waiting. The City of Lake Mary wants to pretend to be upscale, but it's as small town hicksville as any southern town and tonight's cop proved that. I ignore it well, but tonight the pissy little power-tripper power-tripper got under my skin for a moment.

What pisses me off more is getting caught in a seed trap. I was tired and not paying attention, burning out from working too many hours, and this softball game is for work and I am doing them a favor because they lost four players and their only pitcher on the first night of game one. I wouldn't have been driving this route if I wasn't doing work a favor.

Shake it off, call the Clerk of Courts tomorrow and find out what to do to take care of it without getting points on the license.

Next victim.

I did get to play ore softball. Way to ruin a great mood though, after playing well. Tuesday softball is back and I struck out six, and in three at bats, I went 2 for 2 with a two-base walk, knocked in three of our seven runs, and scored once. If people could run there would have been more runs on my hits. If people listened or knew what to do in the batters box, we might have won. most players swung on 3-1 counts, at least ten times in a six inning game, even as I explained why that is not a good move, especially when the other pitcher is struggling. Only one was a hit. Meanwhile, even as I explained the rules and reminded the coach while he was making the lineup, the coach put two girls together and two guys together, so we had an automatic out every other inning. A couple of batters are automatic outs by themselves, striking out each time their got up. Ah, we play everyone who shows up, so winning isn't everything. I had fun and got some exercise and everyone else seemed to as well.

So now I am writing and want to give myself time because I am pissing away more than a full day's take-home pay on a ticket and need to call the clerk to find out how not to get points on my license. If I could resolve it tonight I've let it go, but the ticket says I must contact the clerk if I want to go to school and not get the points.

Or I might just forget...

Narf :)

It's Just The Way It Is

Or was. Some things will never change. Like farting around. Too much food going in, not enough burned off or coming out, emotional hungry Though there is always hope, even if it is in the future. Imaginary? Perhaps, but then what isn't in the mind?

Intensity, thy names is isolation. Could also make a case for depression, but then, it's a matter of perspective. For a moment, the great white whale of distraction (better than pink elephants of delusions) distraction (oh my! (hey, sometimes it's a face, sometimes it's the body, even without the lion and tigers and bears). The ovewrhelming prudishness is a major turn off though, I mean, religion really destroys rational thought, especially when it comes to the body. Delusional fears are the biggest turn off of all, except maybe intentional harm, but then, they are almost the same, after all. It really is poorly written much of the time, and so aimed at the bible belt the coddling of ignorance is painful to listen to sometimes, she would have done a fantastic job playing in a remake of Clueless, but anyway, eye candy doesn't have to be written well, or have any intelligence.

Like that. The stupidest euphemism in the language so soaked with fear and ignorance.

Nut enough about humanity. Fantasies can keep the loneliness at bay for a little while, but they are mostly temporary. Just the way it is. Wait, wasn't I just rambling on about some sort of nonsense somewhere? Shhhh, the ellipticals are listening.

This should continue, someday..

Narf :)

Raw Talent Maybe

This one is unfinished, incomplete, scattered and wandering and whatever...

Tomorrow morning is softball practice, but I do not feel like sleeping tonight. So here we are. Especially awake and wired after the pig out buffet followed by the pig out midnight snacks. Being that it is 2:26 AM, the odds of my getting six hours sleep are slim. I must be about a half hour away at 10:30 AM. I likely will not be asleep for at least another hour and I should wake at least by 9:45 AM. Skipping a shower can give me an extra fifteen to twenty minutes sleep. Yes, so whatever this means, there is no point to it.

Watching A Series of Unfortunate Events and enjoying the strangeness of the presentation as much as the strangeness of the story, more, even. Melina is cute in a strange way, but she's a bit young to be eye candy, I think. Legally, it depends on which country she is in. Oh, you know the babbler has to dive into a whole new obsessive exploration of this new kid on the block, right? Can you feel the love tonight? lol. Or is that loneliness, sigh, more lol. If you could even begin to get past the first three layers of meaning in my words, you might understand how to begin knowing what I am actually writing about. But no worries if you want to remain on the surface. Just try not to judge anything from there, for the ice gets very thing when you do that. Just saying, I mean, I wouldn't want you to fall through without really trying.

Wait, what? lol

So anyway, watching A Series of Unfortunate Events and all lusty adventures aside, early on in her career, and life I suppose, she's mastered a pouty stare...

One worthy of a place here in this blog, no less. So since we're promoting her facial expressions and potential as eye candy, not to mention her potential as an award winning actress (which she will be if she hasn't become one already?), let's explore a little more about this young talent by seeing a few random posts that she posted on her own instagram (unless her publicity people do that) and, well, you can look her up on Facebook yourself.

Listening to her in an interview, however, her limitations show... somewhat glaringly at times. Sadly, a complete lack of imaginative adjectives. Not a whole lot of depth, education, insight, or intelligence there. Kind of lol. Reminds me a lot of the insulated New York City Jewish life. Naturally, I've been there, so I understand too well easy it is to think we are superior, gifted, above everyone else in the cosmopolitan rapid-fire enlightened city, but so insulated, we never know our limits until we let ourselves explore the rest of the world. Come, let me love you, as an old dead singer once said, and more important, let the world in past the preconceptions of entitlement culture.

What?

Perhap some additional random video distractions will assist...


Sooner or later, the right one will come along. Until then, there are the fantasies.


And more, when time permits...

The Pretender

It is as if the universe is simultaneously mocking my madness and reminding me of just how wonderfully protective and infinite it is (my madness, not so sure about the universe lol) even as I chose to connect it to the sounds and sights (and once upon a time, the rest of the body) of this life. As This Morning played, I slept in and didn't wake until nearly noon.

Sitting in the recliner, reaching for the laptop, in the mood to give myself some me-time writing, the distractions delayed this entry for more than an hour, but after a vent...

(and we pause now for a moment of distraction)
This distraction is a distraction from crap apps (and the crappy customer service that creates and propagates the crap apps) that distracted me from the distractions I was writing about in my primary daily blog, which is almost amusing, if I ignore the fact that I have so little time for myself these days, and/or that I am so out of touch with the heart of my core that makes me who I am (or body), but that's a personal problem for another entry (especially since there are no problems, only solutions, in my mind, and if you are wondering about this blog {or the blog where complaints go} or any of the other hundreds I maintain), or why I complain or complaints in general, venting complaints is part of most solutions as it is part of the process that clears away the clutters of layers of distractions piled on by humanity everywhere in so many ways in this supposedly modern world. Ok, there's enough venting for the moment. You'll just have to explore a lot more of my written gardens to even begin to understand, I mean, if it matters.

Anyway...

Here we are, ready to wander inside my head (maybe, in spite of distractions) with a little help from musical friends. The Pretender reminds me of the profound futility humans have created in this life and appears to be the impetus for coming here, though there is no discernible outline in my conscious mind as I look around inside (or around me, for that matter).

Next, Leader of the Band takes me off on another perspective, a life on the road and memories of times I've lived that life, though much more solitary than the song suggests. That song was followed by The Boxer, a song that reminds me of my younger years in New York, though as so many songs do, it still reflects a different connection as time goes by. It has been a very long time, this time, since I felt the NT state of mind. Just as long as music has been out of the consciousness. So much work and other distractions And loneliness, naturally. Been living The Pretender life, except just for myself, for no one, as another old song says.

The Power of Gold brings the third Dan Fogelberg song to this mix, interesting (returning to the title theme as if requested, followed by others as the afternoon progressed, so I decide to read a bit about home, superficial as Wikipedia can be, and remembered reading more in-depth pieces long ago. WE may have been great friends as we had some core similarities, though he had very different roots (family, for one thing, and Peoria) and he walked a very different path on many levels. I skip a CSN song, which is a rare move for me, and am taken back across decades to a time of profound loss wit Hello It's Me followed by Dan's Another Old lang Syne. The internet seems to want me to reminisce about old loves...

Did I?

That would be telling ad I am apparently not telling today lol.

So anyway...

I recall Bowie's Major Tom somewhere in the mix, a song I easily personalize on many levels, and then, Nancy Wilson's guitar grabbed my attention as a long live version of the intro to Crazy On You and took me back to a $2 album (vinyl) time when I first heard Heart on a sample album a DJ fiend passed on to me. Ann's voice was amazing and I looked up to watch the live video by this band full of underrated musicians, especially Nancy.

Oddly, it was immediately followed by Gordon Lightfoot's If You Could Read My Mind, a great old song returning to the sad broken-hearted theme youtube seems to be saying close to this afternoon in this mix. I supposed Crazy On You was the lyric most out of place in this mix, but it drew my attention more than most as it pulled me out of the wound-licking introspective nostalgic fog that surrounded me (in spite of TA and the little one occasionally interrupting with questions or simply walking through my living room, which is open to the path to the front door... sharing space is compromise, after all).

Al Stewart's Year of the Cat was a lost time for me following the crushing heartbreak and distracted military times (was that telling?... I'm not telling) lol. Once again, the music returns to the title as we walk into the evening. Did I mention Carly Simon's You're So Vain played earlier? lol lam yeah, so what else is new?

So much deeper we should go, if only there was time.
Maybe in another life, when we used to rhyme...

and links were telling so much more
as hope was behind every door
but now I wonder what life's for

is that some sort of crime?

if only there was time...
As Elton sings Someone Saved My Life Tonight (a very old song in my my head, another 4AM song, that comes and goes in very different ways, depending on perspective, life, and times... it's 4 o'clock in the morning... thank god my music's still alive. I think it's time for a shower and a snack, so perhaps this will be continued later... or perhaps another entry will emerge. Showers can be unpredictable, even when there are others is the space. John Denver's Annie's Song just snuck in followed by Alan Parson Sirius and Eye in the Sky...

Speaking of mind reading... are you making today wonderful?

I hope so. :)

Dan's Along The Road plays as the hone rings and I let it go to voicemail because I really need to pause here and get to the shower I've been inching (and itching) toward since waking. Yes, the body does need cleansing in so many ways. The elliptical? Maybe next week. Hush. A part of the heart gets lost in the journey, after all...

Anybody?

Narf :)

Tomorrow Came Yesterday

More work at work today and tomorrow, so I should sit up too late, but there are things in my head that need to come out so I can rest easier tonight. Remember the nightmare of a few days past? Did I not mention it? Foolish if I didn't, but whatever, this is an entry started yesterday in the middle of the night (or was it early morning) in another entry (in case it matters) and continued later that day in pieces and now, it is tomorrow as far as the entry that starts in the next paragraph is concerned, but since it's always today, none of this time talk may matter.

Yesterday, there was a late night, or maybe middle of the night entry (as the time-date stamp shows), sent by email from the phone after waking to use to empty the bladder and move from the recliner, where I nodded off some time after dinner, to the bed. It appears I slept more than a few hours, though I woke a few times due to neck or other bodily discomforts and it appears from the daily darker circles under my eyes and other signs that I am not sleeping as restfully as I used to. Am I repeating myself? Is it important enough to repeat? Will it help me remember? Will it help me get help remembering? Will it save y life? This is a recent occurrence, increasing pain in the left side upon waking (pretty certain it is renal system related, but uncertain if it might be digestive system related and possibly related to the increasing laxatives I consume with meals.

The mayo clinic recommends:

Eat fiber-rich foods, such as wheat bran, fresh fruits and vegetables, and oats. (aka FIBER)
Drink plenty of fluids daily.
Exercise regularly.

Yeah, well, I drink plenty of fluids, though less lately. I exercise more occasionally than regularly, especially lately when softball season is on hiatus. I rarely eat grains, fruits, or vegetables lately (not including pasta or chocolate in that category). Almost three strikes.Jane may help save this body from old age symptoms and death if she follows through and we buy me that elliptical next Monday. I need to get the addresses of the places we need to go before then. Why not now? Ok.

Now looking deeper at the typical advice... Oral bulk forms (Benefiber, Citrucel, FiberCon, Metamucil), aka FIBER, absorb water to form soft, bulky stool, prompting normal contraction of intestinal muscles, but the side effects are bloating, gas, cramping or increased constipation if not taken with enough water. Now I drink more water than is healthy for the normal body on most days, but I take a diuretic to get rid of water because all that water raises my blood pressure. Fiber, simply, creates the harder stools and occasional constipation that tears the skin around my anus. So the common advice creates rectal bleeding, increased anemia, and all sorts of other painful dangerous health issues. Fuck you fiber and all the medical industry professionals and wanna-be know-it-alls (quacks) who recommend it.

There, one myth busted. Know your body.Kik fiber's ass befre it kicks mine. Plenty of fluids, yes, but monitor blood pressure. Exercise regularly, that I'll agree with whole heartedly, for now. I certainly shall be doing further study on the matter if I wish to be wise and prudent, no doubt.

Did you know I often put links in entries for the distinct purpose of reminding myself to remember something? Even if I don't re-read, the writing and linking is one step further in creating the stronger memory of whatever it is I am trying to remind myself to remember. I forget that sometimes, but the endless hope that someone will come along and remind me to remember the really important life and death stuff, life this, keeps me writing and linking and hoping... did you know?

It's easy to forget...

and so it was xmas
and I was not here
taking care of others
is my gift this year
it's what I love to do most
and I give it my best
my gift is just loving
it's time I confessed
I pretend there's family
anyway I can
I hope not to impose
that's never my plan
I find any reason
to linger where I
might get a little hug
or a look in the eye

but I look away quickly
so I do not cry

Well, I got that xmas hug, by hook or by crook. I pet sat for Jackson and Brandi and had love all around me for almost eight hours. A dog and two cats. They both told me I didn't have to stay and maybe they were telling me to not be there when they got home, but I found a reason to stay, the kids needed me (even if it's just my delusion) and so I got my hug as they came in and left immediately. Begging for a hug as I do can be kind of awkward (even if no one else acknowledges it).

There is so much more between the lines (and between the links), I wonder if anyone can see...

nite nite...

Narf :)

Yesterday Returns Tomorrow

I woke up today, crying, lost in a lost world. So many people are dying, lying lost in a lost world. Most of them are living illusions, blinded by the fear in their own minds. In their eyes it's nation against nation, and racial pride, mass suicide, dying lost within themselves. There must be a way. To save ourselves today. If we'd just empower love.

I swore to myself, no more fat and bloat, clogging the vessels, choking my throat, the morning brings pain, the proof I'm insane, fast walking toward death, barely catch my breath, reaching out, reaching in, don't know how to begin anymore. Time to go to work so out the door.

The day moves so fast, each moment could be last, fix this fix that, pull rabbits out of hats. The senses meet all the holiday treats, pressures release, stress becomes peace, like magic was, chocolate does. I've learned to find joy making everything toys without guilt, fear, or shame, everything is a game. Without break, without rest, I give it all my best, and passing the test, perhaps they're impressed.

Alone at my desk, after everyone left, I finish more tasks, more than anyone asks, then head out for home, always on my own, in love with the night, and the words I write.

I find my roommate, home from vacation, a ride to the airport, to return the car. And on the way back, the weakness intact, one more pizza stop, and the promise is dropped. The tears of the morning, forgotten for food, the pain of the past, never seems to last, I buy it deep, somewhere in the sleep, and now it's too late, as I've sealed my fate, living one more day, in spite of this way.

With hope for tomorrow I look for the promise I made in the morning to stop al the lies. Depressing denial has put me on trial and condemned by pleasures and feigning surprise. Accepting the pretense, the repression is dense, illusion, confusion, contusion in thought. Someone who cares as I do, better, in fact, though and through. Wake me from this nightmare, just share, just care, for all to see, honestly, unconditionally, it's all we can be. The bliss somehow finds me, memories remind me, of forgotten dream, that wake me it seems, and somehow the mystery ends, as I fall asleep dreaming friends. Feeling so heavy, feeling so light, merry XMAS to all, and to all a good night.

Actually, it was yesterday, but who's counting?

Narf :)

Flurries of Forever

The coincidence of the season, with boxes gift wrapped all around, it must be nice to have a big family. TA visited his and there are dozens of presents piled up here, distracting me from the primary activity most important to me, which is survival and... prolonging this life. The chocolate stares me down like a mammoth in a block of ice moving at a glacier's pace toward the last day of this life, with minimal punctuation and hardly a breath or pause, I am still as carelessly carefree as I ever was. As I ever was.

As if I'll live forever, I challenge all good sense, I stuff my face with carbs and fats, and sweets, my best defense - against thinking about the future, or even looking around now... I'd do what is best for me but I do my best to forget how.

Pretending I would if I could, but I don't as if I couldn't, knowing I should... Frosty the Snowman... never had it so good.

Fifty-five degrees and feeling the chill. Half a hot shower is half a thrill, momentary overkill. Holding back the flood of ears that poured out inside over the years not because of any fears just wondering why no one cares, I mean, everyone cares, just not enough to show. Everyone cares about themselves and what little they know. I always want more because I want everything, because I feel everything, because I am everything, why don't you know you are part of everything too, the universe and me and you. how do you turn off your feelings so well? Maybe it's because you've bought into heaven and hell. Whatever tomorrow may bring, today is my only time and even if it doesn't always write, I'll stay a spell.

Who said Be Here Now and did he really? Die? Yesterday is still a natural high. If we never say hello, we don't have to say goodbye, maybe that's why so many don't even try, maybe that's why so many choose to live a lie. In promises of tomorrows that only come after you die. Living in the moment, feeling everything, letting imagination expand the reality, but still rooted in the moment, feeling everything, can you open your eyes and let your self sing? Or are you too afraid of something - or everything.

Everything at once, in the moment, is the only reality I know. Everyone at once, in the moment, and we've only just begun. Experiencing every moment with all senses wide open, letting everything show without fear is so much fun. Why wouldn't anyone choose any other way to be? I've been trying to understand for years, creating illusionary fears, trying to fit in, trying to connect, trying to be like my peers, but it's not working... as nobody nears.

Still feeling part of everything, even feeling on my own, being part of everything is never being alone. The illusions of loneliness are not as strong as reality, even if I opened the floodgates and tried to let tears drown me, I'd only remember how to breath under water, it, and everything else, is still there... deep in every memory. Hereditary memory? Inter-species memory? Life-long memories can come back to the moment as all life is part of everything, flurries of forever, like magic the moment can become... everything.

Good morning :)

Narf :)

Unfinished Foolish Games

Waking from the worst betrayal dream I've had in a long time, there are no words. Waking one minute before my alarm was set, no recovery time. No resolution. No peace. Just the end of the trust, the end of the last vestige of hope for bonding with anyone in this life.

That is why there is no elliptical. That is why I eat the way I do lately. The way the people closest to me eat all the time. The way Americans eat. The way humans eat (I know no all and I can choose - this dream and entry may be that choice, but let's see where this goes, m'ok?). No gym. No exercise. No wisdom. No sense. No family. No friends.

Living like a refugee. A life in storage, $140 a month to keep some connection to those who once said they loved me. Is that what that is about? Bandaids over old wounds? Are they still bleeding? The dream suggests they are.

Is 2020 the year I bring all that stuff down here? And do what with it? And what condition is it in? And what condition will I be in when I look at all the stuff again? Party all alone?

These foolish games.

Rain falls outside. Eyes are blurry. The phone says it is 68 degrees. here. And 68 degrees where I work. And 68 degrees where I play ball most, where I used to live with Jackson). And 68 degrees where Jackson used to live. And 66 degrees where Jackson lives now. And 68 degrees where I lived before moving here. And 66 degrees in Orlando. And 64 degrees in Tampa. And 39 degrees in New York, where so many memories are stored. And 37 degrees in Toronto, where so much was left behind (and the storage is between the last two places). And 30 degrees in Nashville, left over from tournaments (why not Kansas City, the last big Tournament... or Ft Lauderdale, the last tournament?... no room for more places, perhaps). Forecast rain all day and is 54 degrees for tonight here.


Recovery. Shower. Work.


To be continued...

Reactive, Proactive, Inactive, and Distractive

The babble has slowed, the river is low, the words do not flow as they used to. The sorrow is deep, and not enough sleep, and emptiness keeps the mind askew. Distractions abound, reactions resound, protractive procrastination embeds me in a inactive wake, fatigue resonates, so a proactive state eludes me. Where has all the cleverness gone, long time passing. Where has all the wisdom gone, long time ago. Where has all the wondering gone, and the asking. It's all gone noodly, off and misconstruedly, when will we ever learn? When will we ever learn?

Laughing all the way through the madness, we are having way too much fun in the recent sedentary stupors. When there is no softball, there is almost nothing. Though the last three weekends were busy, three parties (or was it four), a show, and more. The work project(s) have bogged down the brain and pooped out the body so weekends became sanctuary me-time, but the TV has dominated that as lazy distraction has become habit, not to mention imbalanced eating habits and poor sleeping patterns which lower the overall energy. Still, from the core to the surface, the negative feelings (dissatisfaction, depression, whatever) are so minimal and the euphoria is so bubbling over that I do nothing to change the pattern that I know is not ideal for a healthy body. I visualize the fat guy, who I associate with cop shows, eating a huge pastrami sandwich, after a massive coronary incident, in that movie with Meg Ryan and Nick Cage, City of Angels. My laughter is genuinely fun, right to my core.

Obviously I am comfortable with the life I have lived and am ready to go, as in die, so my focus on health has waned and my focus on the pleasures of food and lounging around has dominated for a few months. Not that I want to die (so why am I tempting death so much then, aye?... and is the laughter defensive or as genuine as it feels?... ah, if you only knew me, you'd know how relative the questions and the answers truly can be - and on that reality, the deepest most self-satisfied smile broadens wide).

Weekends, gotta love 'em.

The evening was spent watching youtube videos and lovng some Janet Devlin and her vagina (hey I couldn't resist the clickbait, but seriously... I may love her openness and candor on screen even more than her singing, or maybe it's tied). Maybe she reminds me that I am looking for a partner who is comfortable enough to put it all out there (or here, for that matter).

So much more, but I think I shall attempt sleep now. Early long day tomorrow.

Are we having fun yet?


Narf :)

Wonder of Wonders (Simple Stuff)

The wonder is not the fact that I am stil hanging on to dreams so long lost in the madness and confusion of human foibles and foolishness that Id be certifiably insane in this culture if anyone actually knew what goes on in my head, but that's realtive and besides the point, mostly.

I went shopping for detergent and dish washing soap and found a lamp / wireless charger for $25 that is perfect for this space and solves a lighting issue cuz the lamp I have reflects off the TV. Th new amp can sit on a table next to the computer and does not reflect. The giddy excitement that inspired the title is the wireless bluetooth earbuds I found for $15. The work and they are comfortable, so no longer will I have to turn the TV up when the kids are here and the little one leaves the TV on loud in her room and the other living room loud while watching her iPad (which is a frequent occurrence), loud. I'd been meaning to shop for earbuds since I moved in, but somehow, like a few other things, time passed and I didn't learn what I needed to know to choose wisely. So I chose impulsively. I actually wandered around the electronics section of the store for ten minutes comparing other earbuds, but somehow I wasn't ready to spend more than a hundred dollars without knowing just why.

So ok, I can be an addicted to buying stuff consumerism if I want to be. The neurochemical highs triggered by buying stuff is still stimulating in spite of the stupidity and suicidal behavior it actually is. The dreamer can dream of no possessions and actually could live without them, but without a partner, the stuff distracts from loneliness and amuses the child and occupies the mind. Figuring out how things work, making them work right, and playing with the way stuff interacts and works with other stuff, that's fun. Sharing anything with the right person would be more fun, but alone, some of the fun comes in small packages of toys and stuff.

Laundry spins around the washer and dryer. The dishwasher is drying the dishes it washed. The floor was swept, the recliner was vacuumed, there's all sorts of cleaning and stuff going on. I even pulled out the dirt devil for the first time in years. I think it worked really well. I didn't check how well it did on the deepest recesses of the chair and I didn't turn over the chair, which would be a better way of checking and cleaning it, but hey, first vacuuming with the dirt devil is progress, right? The house is big and there's a lot more to do, but we are getting there.

This morning was fun. Softball is back, hopefully every weekend (even though it is on the field I don't like much, farther away, no shade (more than a few times overheated dangerously and twice ended up in the hospital, so no exaggeration we I say no shade.. definitely not safe during the hottest summer days, like life-threateningly dangerous on the hottest days, but it's softball and softball is life, ya know?... shhhh, I'm careful*), with more responsibility than I've taken on in a very long time. I'll be taking the lead when the senior coaches aren't there, which could be often, maybe most games. I will find someone to do the paperwork, because being ready to pitch and doing the paperwork and coaching the team is not conducive to winning or enjoying the game, but for now, I'm diving in with all I've go and excited about the change.

So the day flew by relatively speaking. Laundry overnight, softball all morning, then shopping, then food, then some writing, some TV, then a nap, then more laundry, some texting with Jackson and some others, then more writing, more TV, more snacks, and here we are. The time at softball was fun and satisfied the social life some, but I still long for more intimacy. Th personal texting with Jackson satisfied the hunger for a close friend, but I still long for more intimacy. There was a time when I ached for more sharing, cried for the empty feeling that I thought could only be filed by by another person. There was a time when I wanted to be cred about so much that I wondered about my own self-worth. I have long since learned that nobody has to care about me for me to love myself and now I am worth everything I can give, which is all I am (and there's a lot in me, potential and actual). I know I need nothing more than the physical sustenance required for this body to survive. Still, I want more.

are you listening?
Anybody?

Narf :)


* Yeah, it would be really nice if I had a partner to watch out for me and be careful with me, but I don't... and I really don't want to pass up the chance for exercise. Especially softball exercise. I'm a really nice guy, if a bit different (oh so misunderstood, alas, we can hope for the amazing mind who can... understand?) lol, so feel free to be concerned and send that partner, m'ok?

Another Day, Another Dump

Life could be measured in bowel movements, I suppose, or on a large scale, landfills, but that probably wouldn't look good on the face of a clock, so numbers was a good choice. I woke early, peed, took my vitamins, drank some water, then laid back down. The bowels suggested I get back up shortly thereafter and all went well, so I rinsed and laid back down. A noise asked for my attention, so I went to investigate and found nothing, but before laying back down I gathered some dirty laundry and put it in the washer. I then laid back down again.

Somehow I ended up here. I wrote a bit, wandered Facebook a bit (and while I wanted to react to Jackson's posts and other things, like events I was invited to {Jackson's "wall" is the only one I actually visit, maybe once or twice a month, and I visit mine sometimes when I visit hers, but that's the extent of my FBing other than glancing through the top twenty or so notifications}, or some of the notifications, particularly about my pages... today I actually looked at the news feed for the first time in maybe a year or more. I wanted to stop following people Facebook automatically makes me follow just because I aid yes to a friend request... forced following is stupid, Facebook). Between all that and the slow computer and the volume of data FB sends and gets back, each page takes up to 30 seconds to load, often longer, and I feel like I've wasted most of the time I spend there). I nodded off a few times waiting for pages to load, so this morning was no exception. Maybe this guy can explain it better, but for me, the FB experience sucks before I even get to actually see that the actual Facebook experience sucks. Tech, corporate greed, and the unwanted content combine to keep me away.

You ought know that by now, in case you look for me there.

Nodding off for brief moments throughout the day, this entry paused too many times to be uploaded in the morning when it started or the afternoon as it slowly dripped out of the mind, so it's after midnight, but I am leaving the last known time stamp just so Saturday can have it's entry as the title pretty much suggests consecutive days and all. Time is malleable like that in blogs, ya know. Relative, too.

Yesterday, or whenever this was, I was almost getting somewhere with soe focus, but mostly I've been wandering (meandering, even) rather aimlessly though the gardens as fatigue spreads and sleep deprivation creates a lot of voids in the flow. Still, as I am reminding yet again right here, I want to remember to sing my songs more often than I have. Personalize the therapy that words and music, songs, can be. Let the songs take me where I need to go. Like they used to, maybe If I can get back to where I once belonged once again.

Do you read me?

I tried napping all day and exhaustion is winning as I should have showered and gotten to Izzy's part on time, but no, I was late. No offense meant, no offense taken, and I got there in time for the gift exchange. Once again, I gave and did not receive, but that's ok. I was surprised that Sarducci, who got there a lot later than I did, didn't even acknowledge me when Tinman passed the gift I received to him and I told him he'd enjoy it a lot more than I would. It was a Hallmark collector's Christmas tree ornament from the Star Wars collection and I'm not into it, but he's pretty much a fanatic. He seems upset with many of his friends these days, but I'm not enabling his depression or blaming others for his failures, so I just ignore the rudeness and still enjoy the gift of giving. Narcissists are rarely satisfied and there's not much anyone can do to please them, so accepting him as he is makes the most sense when he comes out.

Tinman and his daughter were there, as were Harpo, Seashell, Polly and her parents, Sally, and almost fifty others. Too much food, almost all starches and sweets, as usual. Te heavily overweight outweighed (no pun intended, actually) the not overweight by a lot, in fact the seriously obese was the largest group, when looking at the people by weight. The BMI chart would have exploded. That is not the kind of influence I need as I age, so I really must limit my time with these groups and find a close friend who is a healthier influence. When this is what I come away with, I am not sure going to the arty is healthy for me on any level, but they are friends for more than 10 years and they are good people and most of all, I care about them.

After the festivities (food and gift exchanges, which was, as usual, unnecessary for me as I was not hungry (but ate some food anyway) and I gave away the gift I received, as I said), Harpo, Seashell, Tinman, and I played Fact or Crap and then Scattergories, both chose by Seashell. I couldn't hear the others during the first game, so I had an unfair disadvantage, but I joined in and came in second to Seashell. I won both rounds of the second game, scoring 34 and 30, respectively. I was surprised as my brain was definitely not rapid firing tonight.

Stopping at the Post Office for the first time in many months, I found toll by plate invoices from August and I hope my registration and license haven't been affected yet. I'll call tomorrow, or Monday if they are closed tomorrow, and straighten out whatever I owe them. Hopefully the administrative fees and penalties won't be too bad. That's what I get for taking toll roads out of state and out of town. A ton of other ail was there as well, including spices I ordered months ago, and I'll look through the rest tomorrow. Mental note - check PO box more often. Yup.

Arriving home, I used the potty and showered a bit and came here to sit and finished this entry. Now that we've caught up with some of the DDD, I am not going to let my mind wander where it will do, wherever that is, because I have an early call for softball practice in the morning. I need to be out of here by 8:00 AM, so I must get this body to sleep. I am still sharing right?

Mae life fun, please. Even more, make life healthy fun, please.

And love each other, and show it, please.

It is your choice.

Narf :)

Revealing Relations or Revealations

Maybe... maybe I'm wrong... to go on writing... to sing my song... I should be sleeping. Instead, I ate more and loved every mouthful. I have a lot of babble bubbling around inside, but little energy in the body, so little, the brain is tired. Even with all the carbs and calories I just took in. Did I mention ice cream? Magnum double chocolate ice cream? Yes, I may have bought 1% chocolate milk in a healthier mood this week, but tonight it was seriously calorie rich. Meatloaf, lasagna, and ice cream. You should have been here. In fact, feel free to come on over cuz there's enough food for a week for me and TA is away this week.

Besides the yummies, I went to dinner just before I ate here. Chili's. It sucked. Often does. It's my least favorite chain restaurant (and I'm not a fan of chain restaurants). Low paid kids cooking and serving combined with cost cutting corporations make for a poor food experience. But it was a birthday. Tinman's daughter. So I showed up. I ordered the full rack of baby back ribs. When the order finally arrived, there were three ribs on a metal tray with fries and pale green asparagus and onion petals. I ordered the onion petals separately. I sent the dinner back after a brief conversation with the waiter. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Is this a full rack of ribs?
Waiter: Ummmm, that looks like a half rack.
Me: You are seriously telling me this is what Chili's calls a half rack?
Waiter: Ahhh, I guess so. I think a half rack has four ribs.
Me: There are three ribs here and I ordered a full rack.
Waiter: I'll bring you the other half.
Me: No, I won't pay $20 for six ribs, you can take it back.
(pause):
Waiter: Ummmm, ok.

No offer for anything other than "the other half" and no manager coming to ask if they can do anything to satisfy a customer who sent back the dinner. I should have taken a picture, but I didn't want the waiter to walk away as I would have been tempted to eat the food and then feel pissed off for paying for it. I suppose they take it in stride. Corporate American, the impersonal touch. So I ate the onion petals and partied with the birthday girl and waited until I got home to finish cooking the meatloaf and lasagna I started before I left. I left $5 onthe table which was a 40% tip and payment for the onion petals.

Meanwhile, yes, I had started cooking just before I left. Just at the heat up the oven stage, actually. I forgot about the birthday dinner and the phone did not remind me, even though it was on my calendar. I had just gotten home from work, put food in the oven, and Tinman texted me to remind me. I got there ten minutes late, but they were just being seated. Two booths, was at the other booth cuz the birthday booth was filled up. Eventually, a few more people came and sat with me. We bounced around the two booths the rest of the evening.

If we want more proof that my memory is overloaded, I texted Jane just before leaving work to let er know I could make it to the show tonight (she invited me earlier in the week). She texted back that she was tied up grading papers (she's a college professor, in case I have not mentioned that for a while), so we'll go next week and I was a happy camper heading home for much needed rest. Well, you know what happened next.

Anyway, I'm here now after yummy carbs and meat and fat and euphoria is rolling in. Life is good. Would love someone to share something meaningful, sensitive, and genuine, but life is good alone too. So what else is new?

This was pay week, so I checked the phone and the text message telling me the deposit went in also told me I am back to a comfortable level of poverty. The bank account is almost at the point where I can breath again, enough for current rent and food and gas and basics for more than a year at the current rate, and longer, maybe even two years, if I had to find a cheaper place and live more frugally. Easily three years, possibly four at the base frugality. What was at about Europe on $5 a day? Oh wait, that was a few years ago (aherm lol. Alas, he sad truth is that today, it is more like $5 an hour.

Maybe I'll get the elliptical, new computer, new TV, and other new toys in 2020.

Just randomly, I stumbled across what might be the most well intended but unbelievably wrong article on finances I've ever seen, maybe. Another random thought is how so many potentially good ideas failed. Specifically, things like the war n poverty and the war on drugs. We could say that going to war for any reason is stupid, and likely to fail producing any good results, but then, that's a lot of other subjects. My only point in this paragraph was to do a quick assessment of my current financial stability solely based on savings and I probably did that several lines ago. All in all, there is a good comfort zone for a couple of years. A whole lot longer, even. Sill, no permanent retirement forecast in this lifetime.

Meanwhile, considering living more economically reminded me about my younger years travelling around on a few dollars a day. I would probably love a life like this if I could share it, but I doubt I would want to do it for long alone. I suppose I could look for a potential partner. Could meet some curious souls and interesting people too. Upon reflection, especially self-reflection, maybe I've lived too long alone and have become too and set in my ways. More importantly, this body has a few hygiene needs that would be extremely challenging and potentially life-threatening now. Still, it turns me on.


Tomorrow is lunch with Helen and her mom, then dinner at Izzy's (her annual holiday white elephant gifts, games, and food party). That would be a better day with some sleep, since I've been skimping on sleep in recent weeks. The big work project drags on. So anyway, sleep would be good now. It is actually well past midnight and I've started nodding off, so I shall kick back right here in the recliner because my eyes are asking to close asap. Are you satisfied? Happy? Euphoric?

Hopefully you are all three and more smiles.

Make it so.

Narf :)

Maybe I'm A Maze

Waking slightly hungry because I did not pig out as much as usual last night and I took extra laxatives because of a ten pound bowel movement (estimated) a few days ago, doing my best to ignore the whining child (I really don't remember 9 year old kids behaviors, I suppose, but then, everyone develops at their own pace and extreme neediness comes at all ages), I sit here to scratch my brain a little and let words fall out. Not even fixing a hole, ya know?

I am still standing, and yes, better than I ever did. Awake too. Even during the somewhat sleepy mornings like this one. Even in the shared open floor plan home with the kids here passing through regularly. The temptation to shut down is great, but it doesn't work well for me (does it for anyone?) and so the influences of others, TA and his kids, are part of this lae morning babble. Some leftovers from last night shall join us as I wandered into the web and email before falling asleep last night (this entry was just beginning as my eyes asked to close).

And seeing a text from Helen about her mom's birthday next week, I tried to remember Helen's birthday and blanked, so i searched files and found old files with people's info, but no birthday for Helen. I did find a couple of email exchanges from 2009 between me and Jane and me and another friend, the latter I've not seen in at least a few years. Wow, how some things change and some remain the same. I could so easily be read as pathetic by anyone not understanding my sense of humor (and then again, from outside of my head, maybe I do actually appear pathetic... could I actually be pathetic?... should I await an answer?), laughter is not rude if no harm is intended... ah, all the missed opportunities and forgotten memories (are memories still memories if they are not remembered?... philosophy for another ramble).

Anyway, memories fill the room through sleepy eyes. I should jump into a shower as the body needs cleansing, but I'll sit here a few more minutes to throw last night's babbling into this entry because that's what I originally came to this entry to do last night. You may recall (so it may be a memory, right?0 that I wandered the web and found the sadness that people inspire, especially when news or conversations about religion or politics pass before my eyes.

Religions are killing off humanity, bringing the end the religious think they want, and politics is showing human madness (greed, fear, stupidity) better than ever these days and the news is basking in the divisive self-destructive obsession with drama and all the easy emotions that provide the highs that feed the addiction. There may be people who understand they can control those emotions, they can trigger the chemicals that provide the highs whenever they want and they don't have to blindly throw themselves at everything, and others, in the hope they will find the stimulus that triggers those chemicals. I just have not met those people. Most might consider it magic, or madness, or an egocentric delusion. They don't realize it is possible. They also don't realize euphoria triggers the best of those chemicals to bring the best of those highs. Choosing euphoria brings more than the highest highs, it brings the peace and security that allows awareness to expand beyond fear and all the stupidity fear brings with it.

Yeah so I went on a mini-rant and once again remembered why I do not watch news, wander the internet, or listen to people much these days. The ignorance astounds, the manipulations agitates and even angers, the stupidity and bias bring sadness. I don't want any of those negative emotions and I've about run out of desire to help anyone see beyond their small bubbles of fear and bias. We do not see things as they are, we see things as we are.

Meanwhile, I went personal again this week and slide down the shute into the Toronto gardens in my mind. I looked over the Toronto blogs and found nothing new, as has been the case for many years now, and I felt like leaving some words, so this is what happened (I include the personal here, but only link the political, out of kindness and sanity).

Seven Year Itch?

That's supposed to tear people apart, not bring people back together. Maybe I'm amazed at the way I love without end, but its a real pain sometimes. Like when I realize people can't be trusted. You reminded me of that so well that I haven't really trusted anyone since. Except for a few. They screwed me too, but that's what I learned when I was left at he hospital and abandoned by all the others along the way. I wonder what would have happened if I stayed in NY, but I am so glad I didn't. I would not like myself if I became what I see in the pictures on Facebook. I mean, we've always know that I don't belong in this world, after all, and trying to fit in was as futile as it was dangerous.

There is plenty to catch up on, if you come around with the itch to want to care again. That's another difference between me and every one I've ever known. I am blessed and cursed with the stubbornness to choose to not let my caring end or even wane, and still I will not hide it. much to my detriment again and again. So dd I come here to complain? To lay a guilt trip on you? To see if you might have been hiding a word or two here (would be kind of perfect if you were caring in some online blog that I have not checked in years while I can caring in some online blog you haven't checked for years... perfectly cruel, being that I am alone and still, every now and then, longing to be known and cared about, but would it be irony?). No, I came here to see if you were here or in any of our blogs. The rest is gravy. You still enjoy the gravy, right? I mean, that's where the flavor is. :)

Still, I am happier than ever, even as I carry around the sadness of the self-destruction of humanity, being too hypersensitive for my own good. I tried shutting it down enough to fit in and for a while, it worked. I blinded myself to the duplicity in others again and again and that allowed me to trust more unconditionally than anyone I've ever known. We know how that turned out.

So why am I laughing?

Who knows better than you that it is because I live in the madhouse on the other side of the wall. lol lam yeah.

Well, I hope it doesn't disappoint you by I came here to see if you were here.

Hope you are well, have good memories, and a happy satisfied life.

You can find me here now.

Yeah, still, maybe I'm a maze.

Enough babbling for a night?

One of the questions at the top of an email thread from 2009 was am I really too strange to get close too?. I did not get an answer, but then, rarely do personal questions get taken seriously as people do not tend to get that close to me and most see me, or so they say as independent and all together, or something like that. needing nothing is a lonely way to be perceived, but then, it's reality. I want a lot. I need almost nothing. Survival for the body and input for the senses. I might even be fine without the input, but then, I've not lived most of this life without input. There were a few years I spent months at a time in a room not interacting with others for weeks on end and there are written records of those times in boxes in storage in New York, but I don't recall not enjoying it. In fact, I recall much euphoria and creativity running through me and pouring out of me during those years. Reading that stuff would be a real trip.

Are we there yet?

I think I shall shower and perhaps, after that eat something. I may do a load of laundry, but my plan for this afternoon is to relax around the house until about 5 when I head out to The Commodore's place for a game night. Long drive, but I have not seen them in so long, this will be a treat. And laundry is out as TA is gone, but he said he has kids clothes to do and the machine is often be tied up all weekend until I remind him to move the process along. I squeezed a big load in on Thursday, knowing the kids were coming.

Life in shared space is compromise. I'll stretch my clothes into another week somehow, or buy more new stuff. I have enough clothes to wear a different outfit every day for months, at least, largely because I don't do laundry weekly and sometimes a month will go by because I'm busy or the washer is tied up when I am not busy. First world problems, aye lol.

And now... ok, I won't sing My Way, but the core songs (still incomplete) are still as valid and true as ever for me. So we come to a semi-conclusion of a scattered entry, much of it my random personal whatever and some reflections of the world outside (scratchings on a chalkboard). It might be a day of memories, or maybe just vegetation in front of the TV. We shall see after the shower (you can see too if you want to call or come over). :)

Make your day all it can be, but most important, as you want it to be. Whether it is full of yesterday, today, tomorrow, or all and more are part of it, make it full of fun.

Narf :)

No Title Yet, Still

Yes, still, still wide awake at 4 am without a soul in sight. Still alive and kicking, though, unlike most other humans who feel too much. Oh? Robin, Karen, Harry, John, who is left to carry on, redundantly, to sing a song, going mad just to belong, feigning right to not be wrong, playing weakness to be strong, no wonder we don't stay long. No woman, no cry. To conquer death, you only have to die. What would a life be without always asking why? Imagine the high, above us only sky, to live each moment free of fear, you only have to try. One moment it becomes so easy, the moment you stop wondering why. Seriously, time, laughter is just another way to cry.

And it's alright to cry, crying lets emotions flow and grow and know they show. Love your emotions, let them go, that is what life's about - don't tell me you didn't know, don't tell me you forgot, like everybody else, because I already know. Ah, the sweet meaninglessness of it all, if you only embraced it as I do, you might stop being so afraid and remember.

So many choices, and you choose yours. Peace and love, hate and wars, so many choices, you choose yours, heart and mind, walls and doors, so many choices, you choose yours.

Love is the opening door, fear is the way to war, you choose what you are here for, some play the game, some, just keep score. Which side are you on, child...

Is there anybody going to listen to my story... well, this isn't it, but I have no idea why (should I wonder? lol) this entry gets so many comments. I realize there is a high probability that most are SPAM or BOTS, but hey, a kid can dream, right?

Fool afraid to say hello because they learned to say... goodbye. Never say goodbye.

What, me worry? lolol...

Still hanging on, never give up, never surrender, love never ends, so the dream of loving and being loved never ends.

What are you here for?

Narf :)

319, 185, 126, 30?

Holy shit, the babbler is dying. Just look at the numbers. We used to average at least a thousand entries a year. Back when the writing began, three rhymes a day minimum was the norm and that was just the rhymes, the other writings, letters, prose, scribbles, and other pages/posts (as paper pages gave way to internet posts over the years) were in addition to the minimum 3 rhymes per day. Now, I hardly rhyme. Ever since Toronto, the river of rhymes have diminished to a point where today, the flow has all but dried out. Now, looking at this blog over four year, the babbler is fading as well. Maybe that is one reason I hang on to the last vestige of hope for bonding with another human, the last time I trusted someone, as farcicle as it was (delusional sharing is not sharing, after all, and the truth is it was a one way sharing from the start with me giving almost all and getting scraps of crumbs when I begged for them). Hope allows for such delusions to exist and persist in the void of any real sharing, caring, or love.

Wow, seriously. Please don't explode, I won't really be serious. That could hurt a lot of people. Humans are just not ready, but that's another >story. Even the brief daily, the compromise for the attention I seek on the web, the hope that writing shorter entries might bring back readers who tired of the meandering babbles, that never actually worked, has diminished to a stagger and is no longer daily. Again, the numbers do not lie (shudder). 268, 222, 587, 238?...

Number 9, number 9... you say you want what?... So we face the facts, gallows they may be, the brief daily is almost as dry, considering it is the daily. Food has been a dominating subject, even though the food blog has gone silent, dormant, inedible. The silence in body blog reflects how poorly I am caring for the body and how little thought I am giving that. Personal assessment, apathy and self-destruction. So human, so what? S I've succeeded in my cause, my endeavor, my mission to become human like everybody else. Ignorant, so where is the bliss?

Don't you remember? Weren't you there on Diaryland? I mean, Diaryland? All those years ago... Not the first, far from the first, but it was a new beginning. Where you there when the first blogger blog started here? Blogger? Yes, I know it was decades after the first writings in those scattered pages in boxes in storage near Niagara Falls (slowly we turn), but we're trying to make a point about history here. The early years (online "somewhere" below, sort of, yes I now I was online two decades before the first Blogger, shut up and pay attention and give reverence to this historical paragraph), when babble was king. Before we tried to conform to brevity. Even before the babbled there was . and the first public diary entry:

entering diaryland

so this is diaryland... why am I here?... do I want attention?... after years of writing a journal of sorts on my website in which I call out for attention, that seems like a foolish question... and yet, if I really want more attention, why didn't I create a more public journal or diary like this before?... shy?... timid?... vulnerable?... complicated?... as if you have answers...

dear readers (should you find these words)... I am here to share words... may you find some worth in the time you spend reading... may you find even more worth in the content (and may I find content with which we can both be content one day... actually, I'd prefer touched, moved, inspired, excited, ecstatic, even intrigued to content... adored would be good too)...

does it work?

and it flowed from there into love (long lost illusions, now, but as real as ever, maybe lol, one never knows, do we?... it just gets deeper if you only knew, but this parentheses contains a whole other world that reminds me how easy it is to forget and remember and we'll return you now to our regularly scheduled babble) into the rhymes. As you may have noticed, I mention I was babbling on my website for years, deleted by the greedy free web corporations, but not completely lost, though that link might get you lost (the past if a fickle mistress to try to get through), but you can reach farther back to the beginning of the first online blog or even earlier in my friend searches and even find snips of the first writings I did in life, somewhere.

Meanwhile, out in the world, men continue to control women's bodies People controlling other people is the way of humanity. Forcing others to do what you want them to do is the primary purpose of religion. Conformity, obedience, authority rule by any means necessary, that is the human being's belief system. The limits of the human mind lead people to believe this is the only way to insure peace. Yet, with heads firmly planted in the sand (or up our asses), we refuse to accept that it has been a complete failure. Ignore the constant drums of war that insure nothing but self-destruction and leave it to nature to decide if any sentient beings will be around to explain the stupidity of humanity, once humanity is gone.

See why I spend most of my babbling time focused on the mundane details, the ridiculous drama, and the finite dirt in my immediate environment? Why waste my time pondering a species determined to destroy everything when they ignore anything that might stop them.


Not done yet... I mean, I could have written just this:

Mostly, I ramble.

Like this, sometimes. Other times, like that, whatever that is. I like letting my mind wander relatively anywhere and appearing like a blithering idiot scribbling meaningless babble without rhyme nor reason, but somewhere in there is so much profound sensitivity and love, it will burn anything it touches. Human brain cells are just not ready for what goes on in my head. Human beings are just not ready for me, so I play at being a fool, fat blubbering dodo, so they all ignore me. That way I don't have to actually conform and interact, which requires conformity. See how mundane and dull I can be when and whenever? Poof, and I'm gone.

Still, I so wish someone could handle my madness. That's not me, by the way, it's one of the others I call mine from time to time. Look it up.

I'll stop now, hoping this is not already too much, like below. Below was good though, wasn't it? You'll just have to look that up too.

Thanks for caring. hl, me

...but you're not Jackson, after all, so I don't even try to be brief. I even added to the above the amuse and confuse. never brever... t. Except in the brief daily, which is elsewhere. Never give up, never surrender, (e)thereal! I have no idea why this entry gets so many comments. I realize there is a high probability that most are SPAM or BOTS, but hey, a kid can dream, right?




This is not finished, so... tune in again another day for more...