Yes it is. My afternoon. I finally have football I can watch and I am reluctant to head out early to shop for presents because I want to enjoy a relaxing afternoon with football on the TV and the computer on my lap and words flowing and browsing the web offering interesting thoughts. Just as I write this, the internet is locking up. The laptop goes black screen. What the fuck? So I refresh and log in again three times and after a few seconds, lock up again. The laptop? So I restart the laptop. I suspect Spectrum, a company shocking me by being much worse than Brighthouse, a company that was terrible, is limiting bandwidth so a full game may not be steamed on the Spectrum network. They suck.
The stream is still locking up after the reboot so it is Spectrum. If I was paying for it I would be on the phone asking them for a refund because I am not getting the service I pay for when I want to use it. The commercials seem to flow along without much stoppage. Maybe it was a temporary glitch and it will work itself out. There's always hope. Spectrum is price gouging because they have a monopoly just as Bell Telephone did until the government caught up with the new technology and realized they were breaking anti-trust laws. The current government will not likely go after any businesses these days.
Meanwhile I read reviews about a new movie called Hostiles and am sad that our culture keeps revisiting war and genocide as if there is some good reason to continue debating the right and wrong of all the killing and destruction. So many war movies and re-writing of violent episodes in human history. Humans seem intent on justifying their self-destructive ways. I want no part of it and for the most part, no part of them.
A comment stated that there "was never a plan by the US government to annihilate all natives" and "Natives were not always peace loving tribes." as if that justified the genocide. I felt a response.
Never a plan by the US government to annihilate all natives? I guess it just happened without a plan. Not always civilized peace loving tribes? What about the ones who were?
Plan or not, any justification of what happened to a people who lived on this continent for 10,000 years is blind to the fact that it was their home and invaders took it from them. A people, their homes, and their culture almost completely wiped off the face of this planet except for what the winners write about history is fact.
Colonialism left natives all over the world with few choices. Convert, submit, or die.
The second half offered no reason to be impressed by wide receiver Cooks. He does not show effort or heart. The last game of the season, probably a sure win, don't want to get hurt, blah blah blah. Maybe. I wont write him off, but I have no evidence to believe he's a player I will want to watch, no less cheer. CBS put up a score showing Pittsburgh and Cleveland tied. Were they ever tied? When they switched to the game Pittsburgh was ahead 28-24. Did they have 29-28 up there and have a Cleveland TD called back? Why have the extra point up then? Sad sports reporting, CBS.
The number of commercials when watching the NFL allows so much room for web browsing and writing. I couldn't just watch the NFL on TV if I didn't enjoy browsing and writing while the game was on. TV is usually only background entertainment for me, but the number of commercials is ridiculous. The ratings are probably so wrong because I can't believe people actually pay attention (view) TV consistently. Or maybe that is why humans are so addicted to consumerism.
And Cleveland becomes the only the second 0-16 team in NFL history.
I suppose I should consider heading out to shop a bit and then get to Sarducci's house for his New Year's Even party and Christmas sticking stuffer gift exchange. Be social. If only new people would be invited so I might meet someone I might be interested in doing more with more often. Fall in love? Some dreams never die. I'd very much be happy with someone with a similar mindset, if such a human exists.
Anyone reading this blog would probably not want to be my friend. I suppose the writing has the opposite result of the secondary goal, which is inviting new interactions with the hope of finding friends. For better or worse, the first goal is the express myself, amuse myself, and sort through all the stuff entering my mind through my senses and leaving all the negativity out here in words so the childinside can continue skipping along happy as can be. It works for me on the most important levels. If only someone understood.
Anyway, I shall head out in a few so this may be my last post for 2017. Happy New Year.
I used to play. While softball is the game of choice for me these last ten years (and I've played a lot longer), I used to play football (touch) and basketball and several other sports. I loved tennis and racquetball when was younger. Jackson and I played basketball and tennis up until a few years ago. I almost forgot about those days. I played other sports as well when I was younger. I also ran and running was my primary most frequent sport. I ran daily for many years, up to fifteen miles a day at my peak.
Now I watch football. I played touch football. Tackle football attracts too many crazy macho idiots who want to hurt people. It is a sadistic game for some who play it. Adrenaline and mental instability combine to create a loss of emotional control for some players and headhunting and over-aggressive hits and tackling are the result. Tackle football is s stupid game for humans, really, because it, like boxing, involves a lot of hard impacts to the skull and the human body is not designed to live with hard impacts to the skull. The knees are not made for the kind of moves and hits football provides to the knees. I think they should make helmets that give the player wearing the helmet an electric shock when the helmet comes in contact with another helmet and after that shock the player has to sit out one play. That would change the game and eventually players would learn hot to hit and tackle without helmet contact. Could even work for helmet to knee pads. Ultimately, hitting with helmets anywhere should be stopped. Helmets were designed to protect the skull, not as equipment with which to hit other players.
Athletes who like betting hit in the head can go into boxing. Athletes who like getting hit in the head can go into soccer. Football would become the game I enjoy, finesse, athletic ability, and strategy instead of primarily brute force and headhunting.
Meanwhile, I am watching my favorite quarterback and coach, New England's Brady and Belichick... and Gronk is fun too. They've got to work on Cook who seems to suffer from a malady a lot of speedy receivers have had, the lazy gene. He blew an easy touchdown already by slowing down on a fly to the end zone. It changed the game big time as he dropped an east screen pass on the next play and then Brady was sacked on the next play, which was third down. The next series the Patriots offense was out of synch and you could tell Brady was not happy with his receivers. He'll have to go to Gronk, which is probably something they didn't want to do much today for a few reasons - risk of injury, giving scouts more views of Gronk, and the cold. One lazy player can throw an offense out of whack and change what started out being a route into a tough game, even a loss. I doubt the Jets have enough to win in spite of a very weak New England pass defense and very weak Jets QB and passing game, but still, unnecessary laziness ruins a team. They need to find a smarter star speedy receiver next year who doesn't have the lazy gene.
Cooks is the by far luckiest receiver in football. While the Patriots have never shown much in the way of receiver coaching or development, they do have the best coach and quarterback in the game, maybe ever, and Cooks will have much better stats with Brady throwing to him than he deserves based on the talent and brain hes shown (or not shown, to be more accurate) so far.
The announcers are crediting the Jets defense to keep the Jets fans involved, but it just shows me that the announcer is ignorant and just talks to keep talking, which is necessary to be an announcer but that is why there are so few good announcers. It is not easy to continuously find intelligent things to talk about. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left." Maybe a clever phrase, but meaningless and it had nothing to do with the play he was supposedly talking about. Football is not a game for intellectuals, even though it is the intellectuals who win most. The brains of coaches and players is the most important aspect of winning - which is just another reason to protect heads.
They definitely do not select announcers based on any sort of intelligence. Twelfth time in fifteen games the patriots score in the last two minutes of the first half. A 75% success rate Great for the Patriots, another fail for the CBS announcers. That's an 80% success rate. Duh.
The announcers continue the talk for the sake of talking at halftime as their discussion focused on questioning Brady's performance, blaming aging and not practicing enough, for what is obviously receiver mistakes. Nobody even suggests the receiver mistakes had anything to do with it. Brady only threw for two touchdowns and set up a third rushing touchdown and should have had another easy long ball touchdown in spite of many obvious receiver mistakes and an offensive line that is letting Bray get hit a lot, but he's old and being faulted. Announcers are generally idiots following a script and not really thinking.
Brady is not perfect, but the halftime discussion was just stupid. 21-3 mostly about Brady faltering and his aging arm with no mention of weak pass blocking and mistakes receivers made.
No wonder - Tony Romo is the color commentator. He never knew how to win or play Quarterback at a high level and he's criticizing the est in the business. I fault CBS Sports for the stupid script and even more stupid casting. No wonder intelligent football players no longer want to be sports commentators.
Halftime's over. I'm going back to enjoying the game now. With the sound off.
Hope you are enjoying your last day of 2017 too. :)
I don't know why I am avoiding going shopping, maybe. I might know, but maybe. I don't want to spend money, true. I don't want to wander around stores, true. I don't want to pick the wrong thing, true. I don't want to give up my writing time, my me time, true. Reasons, reasons, I've got reasons. So now I am stuck with the deadline of whenever stores close tomorrow. Which means I must call to find out when I wake up. Which means I may have to give away my me time tomorrow. Which means... whatever.
I did, on the other hand, go to the lobster feast (this one). Oh, the yum.
Ok, it's a place that definitely puts quantity over quality, but the quality is not bad, just not top of the line. That is how they can serve as many lobsters and snow crab legs and dozens of other sea food and prime rib and other dishes as a person can eat. I think I had four lobsters, maybe five, and at least six claws, and at least a pound of snow crab legs. Fried clams and shrimp and crab cakes and scallop & shrimp cheese stuff and smoked salmon and shrimp salad and baked muscles and several kinds of fish cooked several kinds of ways and so much more. They also have prime rib and barbecued ribs and again, more. heir soups have gone downhill. They used to have some of the best desserts as well, but they've cut those out and have pretty mediocre desserts now. When wages stagnate for decades, people can't afford higher prices so to keep prices within reach, they have to cut corners. It is the nature of our oligarchical culture.
Still, The lobsters and snow crabs are worth it, I think, even if they are not top quality. I'll have to try to figure that out though, cost benefit stuff, one of these days. The local Chinese buffets have snow crabs for an added cost. I've never tried it, but it might be time to try. Then again, I really should stop spending money on everything until I find another place to live and work the cost into the monthly income.
I am thankful for Helen because I probably would not go to dinner out s much or to as many places if she was not so into eating out. I do go to places myself, but I probably would not go as much. Maybe. Then again, I did when I was isolating myself. Even when I wasn't working. Live in the moment, enjoy what you enjoy. I enjoy food. But it is a much more enjoyable shared with someone who shares the love of food.
Are you as fascinated by my amazing life as you are?
I have four gifts to buy. Three for work and one for tomorrow night. I do not like buying gifts for others. I know it's the thought that counts, but I want the thought to be right. Not knowing the three co-workers well enough to know what sort of $5 gift would be appropriate makes it very challenging to choose. So I must get out today. Even though I would much rather just say inside, not spend money, not eat too much (ok, so maybe I want to eat too much lol, sigh, even if I laugh at the subtle suicide that is... but then, yeah, in case it matters), and experience the same old superficial experiences with the same people who truly do not know me. They care, on the surface, but they are not the family I hear about. Family who takes you in when you are in need, family who helps and gives you sustenance to survive, family who is permanent, always there, part of daily life, and most of all, always will be there as long as we are alive.
I've got no one like that. Never have. You know that if you've read me. I lament... a lot. Who will bury (or cremate)me when this body dies? Who will do anything? All the stuff I have in storage, will it be thrown away or sold off? Will it be on storage wars, if there is such a show like that when this body dies? There is certainly enough stuff. Will there be anything? Respect?
Probably not.
This life I live will likely disappear into oblivion. These words I write will probably be no more noticed than they are now. Oh, the drama. Oh, the pity. Oh, the traumas we create for ourselves. So what, I never knew permanence. It is all an illusion anyway. Sure, biological families take that illusion for granted and and don't even doubt that it is real. It is not true in every case, I mean, there are biological families that have little or no contact, after all. There are, however, biological families that appear to have no doubt that they will be there for each other no matter what, from beginning to end, to always do everything in their power to help and care for and nurture and provide and share and care and so on...
That is what I have never known to this point. Perhaps it is impossible for humans not biologically connected to bond in the same way, with the same shared illusion and commitment and blind assumption and feeling that biological families share.
That is sad for me, since it is the thing, the experience I wanted and still want most in this life.
I slept a while and then the bowels woke me. Massive expulsion of waste materials ensued, followed by cleansing without shower due to sub-60 degree air temperatures in the indoor atmosphere. Laying back down was insufficient to returning to sleep, therefore I sat back up and came here to release words while The Outer Limits plays in the background. Progressive improvement is noted in the television series. Watching an episode about androids, I am given to thinking about a world inhabited by both humans and androids and I sense I would be quite comfortable amidst androids, given the empirical evidence of my experience with humans.
what good are feelings with no one the share them?
what good are voices with no one to hear them?
feelings can create ones's personal song
one can enjoy singing one's own song
just because you are alone
you don't need to be a monotone
But it is still fair to ask...
when longing for a human touch
someone to hold your hand
when aching for another mind
someone who understands
when feeling like dying alone
in a life you don't share
because no one is close enough
because nobody cares
when no one knows you on the inside
who you really are
when no one looks deep into your eyes
to see your wishing star
when no one feels the same things you feel
it becomes challenging to know what is real
you start wondering why you are still alive
when it's to be alone, just to survive
what good are feelings with no one to share them?
what good are voices with no one to hear them?
when all you can do is sing your own song
and no one is ever singing along
or sharing theirs
nobody cares
you can still feel and write your song
one can enjoy singing one's own song
the loneliest number
it is no fun
to imagine being alone
when your song is done
it's hard to imagine
the thought weighs a ton
to be alone
when your song is done
Oddly awake, not much sleep, just had this feeling and it wouldn't keep, sometimes the loneliness, sometimes it's tough, sometimes just dreaming is not enough.
So I am having fun, but not because I'm supposed to, rather, because I can. So Dinner was rom the Italian place. The usual basics, eggplant parm dinner and eggplant parm appetizer (to increase the eggplant and cheese to spaghetti ratio, of course. Then I get something with bread... a sub or a calzone or a pizza. Depending on which, the meal can be one big pigout or two or three or even more meals.
If is so much fun to enjoy the food I love, food that gives me the best physical experience I can have by myself (though masturbation can surpass food with a larger input of energy) and running has, long ago when I ran marathons, been a euphoria like no other (and a food orgasm could often follow).
I almost fell asleep during a pause in the pig-out. I decided on a sausage and peppers sub, which was also supposed to have onions but barely had any and was mostly sausage, no sauce, minimal cheese, so drier than preferred. I woke and finished the eggplant parm. I sat and watched some The Outer Limits (that are rising in quality, but not quite raveable. Still way too much over-dramatic acting, but some more interesting story lines. Horrible insensitivity to disability, mental and physical.
Then, it was time for chocolate. So I put on a jacket (yes, temperatures are dropping below 50 degrees... Florida winter), a windbreaker, and bought swiss rolls and chunky chocolate chip cookies and nestle's crunch and true moo whole chocolate milk. Tomorrow night I am going to the lobster feast sea food buffet so wisdom would have lead me to eat light veggies out of cans tonight, but obviously I did not follow reason at all. Snacking and back to TV.
I return from the store to find a teenage looking girl in a bra and underwear on TV. Of course she was later called a bad girl by the overly preachy writers of The Outer Limits, but she might have been stimulating in the flesh. I don't write much about sex on any level in the last few years.
Belly bloated, still hungry... eat a can of spaghettios, still hungry... no snacks, but want more...
The over-acting over-dramatic emo from actors that do not have a shred of scientific or medical knowledge pretending (so badly) to be scientists, astronauts, doctors... and then, they threw in god and a non-believer because atheists belong in science fiction, right. Leaders who couldn't be leaders in a girl scout troop. Aliens have to look as scary as possible. That is Outer Limits weak quasi-sci-fi.
More?
There s always more, but sometimes I fall asleep before more comes out and sometimes I just don't feel like writing more for a myriad of reasons, the saddest being the feeling that nobody cares if I write or share or live or die which has grown since birth as a sense of not really being wanted because of things the woman who adopted me said after I did not save her marriage, things life she should have chosen another baby, among other unpleasantries. From those first memories I wondered if anyone would ever care about me enough to stay, but so far everyone who's ever said they loved me has gone away. Most cut me out of their lives completely. I just don't understand human beings and what they want and how to be loved by one. I seem to be able to by short term companionship, but here I am alone again.
It is all so illusionary, so temporary, and nobody really seems to get that.
I don't want to forget that even when creating the mutual illusion that love is forever and we will always be together because we want to be. Actualizing the duality of illusion and delusion in the physical reality is seems to be something no one I've ever met has wanted to do with me.
The ways of wasted wayward ways. There's a title for an autobiography I could live up to. I really am desperately pouring nonsense into this blog lately to try to maintain contact with some semblance of hope that someone will save me from the abyss of aloneness that constantly wants to swallow me and bury me and not love me and squeeze me and take me home and call me George. I'm here, sharing everything I've got in whatever way might amuse and lost in obscurity. Maybe I don't want to trust anyone anymore. Maybe I don't want any more secrets. Maybe I want to expose everything out here for anyone to see and if someone doesn't come along to do it with me I will live and die out here alone.
Maybe? Ha. LAM. Yup, Open book, hide nothing, share everything. How often have I said it. It is who I am. Can I change who I am just to feel cared about? Should I? Would that be caring about me? No, dangit, I do not want to hide or hold back. So here I go again, hurting with loneliness and sharing all I've got with all I've got. Believing that if I just keep writing and sharing everything and hiding nothing, someone will appreciate me for me and my quixotic effort to share everything. To dream the impossible dream...
This is an interesting blog. What? Distraction? What distraction? Distraction? You don't know the meaning of distraction! I is an interesting blog, really. Thinking stuff. Brain workers. You just have to go see for yourself. Click the links. Read. Think. Be amazed. Be distracted. Be wonderfied. Then you can watch an interesting video.
The fact is, I come here to stay alive. Literally. I stop writing, alone, I die. I lose my mind. To keep the brain cells working instead of vegetating. I just went to IMDB to write a bad review of The Outer Limits (please stand by). seem now we shall review the TV distractions for the evening. Without was a interesting movie and even in the background I find it challenging to believe anyone ever made it, no less so many people involved, no less someone spent time watching it. Oh, was that me? Might be even scarier when you I let you know that I got it.
Then, Gunpowder, Treason, & Plot, but I bored of it after the first hour and looked up the true story online. Not even seeing Fleur Delacour nearly naked. She's a lot cuter than she was a year later in Harry Potter. Ah yes, there are moments when I miss sexual contact, but old fat bodies repulse me and sadly, I am getting in that age range. Fool I am stopped regular daily exercise. At least I still have eyes connected to a lively libido and wet dreams and waking up with morning wood, as the ancient children used to say, is not half bad.
I switched over to The Outer Limits but the newer version and there was way too much melodrama, not enough science, and not enough intelligence. Most of all, not enough creativity to want to watch more than once. Way too much moral dilemma, good verses evil, and preachy karma-ish crap. I skipped the first two episodes and barely listened to the third. Very disappointing. So I went to IMDB to see what people said about the show and saw raze reviews which inspired me to write a counterpoint.
Then there was this interesting slot machine that just happened to be at that interesting blog I mentioned earlier. perhaps you found it yourself if you went to see for yourself like I suggested. You really don't think I was lying, do ya?
Animals? Did you mention animals? Well, here are some interesting dogs. I am really grasping, aren't I? This could be so much more if you only shared.
Someday the technology of the late twentieth century will seem ancient. In fact, some of it already does seem ancient. In fact, flip phones from just a decade ago seem ancient already. The sad joke is how arrogantly so many people (especially men, egos and all) strutted about showing off their "latest tech" or worse, latest model car, as if it was some miracle that made them something special. So many material distractions and ego trips, it's a wonder anyone still appreciates the consistency of nature, but we'll get to that in a few moments.
It's ok. I fell asleep real early (so never mind the time stamped, m'ok?), before dinner even, and thought I woke twice to pee I slept ten hours, at least. Then I woke tired. I kept wanting to fall back to sleep. I pushed snooze ten times. Woke just in time to run out the door and get to work. The body wanted a shower, but it was chilled air and I was running late and blah blah blah. All the lack of sleep nights caught up with me, or something like that.
Another contributing factor was the walk in the park I took about a dozen times today in a dozen different parks. I walked for miles and miles and miles and miles and miles. After days nd days and days of desk sitting work at the computer I decided to drag myself out of the office and wander parks. Fifteen stops (not all parks, two libraries and a couple of other stops, I think). Yup, parks. I focused on the west and southwest parks of the county, map on page 9.
Tomorrow I will take another walk on the East side of the county (more wilderness than the east and southeast).
Life almost feels a tad bit monotonous today. I mean, holiday weekend and other than the party, I didn't do anything but watch TV, relax, do laundry, and not get enough sleep, as usual. I should have shopped because I was supposed to give my co-workers a present (under $5) and I still haven't found what I'm looking for (which is a frog and a picture frame and something for the boss). I found a few cute stuffed frogs but I don't know if she's into stuffed animals. Am I trying too hard to please or impress? I will see if I can find something tomorrow if I follow through with my tentative plan to leave the desk for a while. I've been getting a lot of good stuff done at the desk the past few weeks, but I am getting a tad bit monotonous, remember?
As opposed to onomatopoeia, naturally.
I suppose all I have to do is thrown a few videos into a blog entry and people find it, as opposed to just words which seem to get zero views, at least for the first day or two.
It was a holiday, after all.
Sure, but actually I was watching Pi, who needed to get a life. Get it?
Quick: Random people break into song on the subway, what do you do?
Do you join in? Harmonize? Pretend not to notice? Bolt out the door the moment the train stops? The decisions you make make you who you are. Do you think about the decisions you make? Relevant fact can be as irrelevant as you want them to be. I miss being cared about I really do. I miss someone noticing if my hair is a mess or if my clothes are wrinkled or if I have nose hairs showing... I miss someone noticing me, paying attention to me, caring about me.
1998 technology was ancient. The sad joke of the human mind is that people will kill to obtain something that is obsolete in a matter of days. People will spend five times more on the latest technocrap when they can have the same thing for five times less if they just wait a few months, a year at most. Ten years ago few people had smart phones. A Gigabyte was an amazing amount of storage space. There might even have been a chance the planet would not be rushed into a cataclysmic change that makes most life extinct again. But the oligarchs won't have it. Especially not when man of them believe in the rapture and holy wars and pretending they will be forgiven for fucking up this life if they just say they are sorry. The ridiculous avoidance of responsibility is the benefit and the curse of religious belief.
Spirals and patterns and mathematics and cults. The human mind is to amazing, so full of untapped potential, but what do you do if a beautiful woman shows interest in you? Or a beautiful man, for that matter. Or a beautiful mind, in fact. Or anyone. Archimedes. Pythagoras. Euclid. Da Vinci. Galileo. Einstein. Heinlein. Close to the edge. How do we know when we are crossing over? Impatience is the death of knowledge. When you stop letting ear scare you, you may start to understand.
See, the answer is still blowing in the wind, you just stopped paying attention. Too cheap to pay attention. Attention is a valuable commodity, after all. Thing is, it is reciprocal. The more you give, the more you get. Answer the phone.
So I distract myself from the loneliness, the aloneness, the longing for attention, the emptiness of not being cared about. Oh yeah, that again. Distractions don't work as well in a monotonous life. I long for the madhouse, the quiet solitude. The voices keep screaming these days, the tinnitus in the left, the waxy wail in the right, the peanut gallery running amock (or amuck, for that matter) and there is not the glimmer of anyone in sight who gives a hoot. Not even an owl.
The monotony is killing me, but no one seems to care.
What have I done to bring on this isolation?
I live in a never ending ending
Living in desperate desolation
Amusing myself with imaginary friends
and memories of friends left far behind
my thumb to the sky as the story ends
as I pretend I haven't lost my mind
someone make me your experiment
put me in a cage
someone feed and study me
as I slowly age
give my life a meaningful state
excise my despair
someone give me some attention
just pretend you care
The monologue is killing me, but it's becoming clear
I created this great emancipation
I live in a never ending ending
living in desolate desperation
still I can forget if I just lose my mind
in this way this life can still be kind
dancing in the flowers of our dreams
nothing is quite as bad as it seems
leave the pain behind and sing along
lose your mind with me inside this song
So the last hopelessly hopeful romantic still lives in fairy tales and the last heartlessly heartbreaking ballad still dreams love never fails and the last chance for the last lost innocent child is moments away, don't let it pass, don't be defiled - you can save a life if you just dare to show you care yes you can save a life if you just dare to overcome fear oh you can save a life if you just show someone you are there because the truth is so simple you've always known... when you care the life you save is your own. . . . and you don't always have to be alone.
When this entry started it was yesterday and in spite of the time it is 4 AM again and here I am wide awake without a soul in sight still just hanging on the hope that I'm alright (la la la) still just hanging on the hope that I'm alright. . . . in the garden of a madhouse...
The tears are rolling out of my eyes as I watch an episode of Scorpion, go figure. The dream of being part of a family still brings tears to my eyes even when it's just fiction on TV. Another episode of the show affected me the same way. I relate so deeply to the characters. How isolated they are by their unique perspectives. How challenging it can be to relate to people. There was a time I related so much better than I do today, I know the secrets to human interaction and so much more I do not think words could explain adequately.
It is only truly understood through experience.
Meanwhile, I don't have a team or a family. I've got no one caring about me in everyday daily life. Nobody puts me first or even second. People care, I know that. Just from far away. No one is interested in the daily life in the moments like a team or family. sigh, alas, and all that reluctant acceptances breathing. This is what I think about while everybody else is celebrating today for whatever reason they are celebrating.
Food, that's all I have for physical satisfaction - because I do not exercise. So it is my own choice, fool. Unfortunately, there were a few obstacles to getting food. One ws Eb, who decided to make a roast of some sort and mashed potatoes. That left the kitchen a mess. Somewhere closing in on 4:00 PM, he seemed done, but as I passed to get clothes fro the dryer (I've been doing laundry all day, remember?), I see broken glass all over the inside of the oven and on the floor of the kitchen.
I decided to search online and found several restaurants listed as open on Google, so the next step was check menus and order. Unfortunately, none of the places listed as open by Google were actually open. Stupid Google. Eventually Eb cleaned up the glass so I decided to bake a pizza I had in the fridge. Ate the whole thing. Foolish move for the digestive system. So I've upped the prune juice and hope.
Meanwhile, the bleeding continues. I really need to find a doctor I can trust.
Meanwhile (that last meanwhile sucked rotten eggs and does not belong after a meanwhile, I apologize to all the meanwhiles out there for the abuse of the word. Oh, and to you too), this weekend was way too short. On the other hand, I am lonely so I will be happy to get back to work tomorrow. Lonely but content.
There are two more wash loads to be done. Eb had a load to do and he, as usual, didn't move his wash to the dryer and when he does, as usual, I'll move it out and on the the couch because in his mind, he lives alone. The good news is I have clean sheets. That is a treat living here. Tomorrow I will have clean clothes. The only thing not washed is a load of T-Shirts and a load f Towels, but I have more clean T-shirts and towels so life is good. I hope the shower is hot tonight. It is challenging to feel clean here (the bathroom is getting worse, believe it or not), but in this room, I feel clean tonight.
When I lay down I will squeal and squirm with glee as I fall asleep.
Alrighty then, yes, the inevitable Xmas day post. Merry Xmas for all those who celebrate it for whatever reason. We could debate the origins of the religious references to this date ad infinitum as scholars and idiots have done throughout human existence or the sake of peace on Earth, let's not and simply, let's leave religion out of the discussion if only because it is, in fact, only one version of history and within religious history there are conflicting versions at that as we can see here within just one version or the many religious versions of explaination for the importance of this date:
Finally, in about 200 C.E., a Christian teacher in Egypt makes reference to the date Jesus was born. According to Clement of Alexandria, several different days had been proposed by various Christian groups. Surprising as it may seem, Clement doesn’t mention December 25 at all. Clement writes: “There are those who have determined not only the year of our Lord’s birth, but also the day; and they say that it took place in the 28th year of Augustus, and in the 25th day of [the Egyptian month] Pachon [May 20 in our calendar] … And treating of His Passion, with very great accuracy, some say that it took place in the 16th year of Tiberius, on the 25th of Phamenoth [March 21]; and others on the 25th of Pharmuthi [April 21] and others say that on the 19th of Pharmuthi [April 15] the Savior suffered. Further, others say that He was born on the 24th or 25th of Pharmuthi [April 20 or 21].”2
so as I originally suggested, let's not, m'ok?
Yes, this date, December 25th, a date that remains in infamy... wait, that's December 7th, not doubt, but this date does have it's own issues. Many cultures have claimed it and the one commonality is it is seriously close to the winter equinox and may well have been the winter equinox some millennia ago when those ancient cultures deemed it to be some sort of celebratory, even holy day. Santa Claus or Dez Moroz (Grandpa) or Jesus Christ or whomever, there's so many versions of history, people have been fighting wars to wipe out other people's beliefs forever.
Of course all this fuss about this particular date can be made moot when one explores a brief history of calendars or simply drunks too much mull wine.
Right, so what have we done. Sure doesn't seem much like there was much of that so-called Xmas spirit around this country this year... or last year for that matter. Facebook and politics and religion fueled fears and hate and the world outside my head became a quite unpleasant place to visit. Watching the James Bond series seems poignant for me at the moment as the culture pushes through another milestone of honesty as women are facing the men who abused and belittled them. It is an integral aspect of the Band series to patronize, used, abused, and literally fuck-over women all in the name of some sort of love of the female form"bullshit men have sold themselves as art and nobility for centuries (or longer).
Coincidentally, I watched some random Einstein (mathematical genius, social asshole?) presented in rambling randomness by a rather odd random fellow. As much as I relate to the female plights, I am happy I was not born a woman. I'd either be dead or locked up by now.
Eb is watching one of the many spin-offs in the Judge Wapner series of courtroom reality tv. I welcome all sorts of distractions, but the distractions need to not be the same ordinary life conflicts from which I am seeking distraction. I don't buy into the better them than me philosophy that many seem to thrive on. Watching other people fight is no better than fighting for e and I prefer not to. Maybe ou figured that out by note, if you care ad have paid attention. Anyway, he has the kitchen tied up supposedly cooking a roast of some sort. Or maybe it's a brisket. I'll either go out somewhere or empty some cans into a bowl and flash it in the microwave.
Ok, so what's up out there in your world on this fine day?
T'was is such a silly word. T'was. Say it. "T'was. Twas twas twas. Xmas xmas xmas. Ho ho ho. Who you calling a ho, Willis? Ah, but...
it twas the night before Xmas
and all through the slum
the people were drinking
to make themselves numb
the stockings were torn
and empty inside
just like the people
who all tried to hide
the feelings of shame
and helpless despair
all wondering why
no one seemed to care.
When all of a sudden
ten gunshots rang out
nine reindeer were dead
and the fat man laid out
the presents were stolen
the children all cried
When they woke and were told
that Santa had died.
When they grew up they found out
their parents had lied.
The truth was poverty
hidden by pride
Yeah, ho ho ho, and how are you on this fine Xmas morn? I don't know if I shared this before or if this link works, but in case it does not here is what the link might have taken you too.
The Blog Family. Perhaps just two as others do not want to be online anymore, at least for now. They are always welcome and there is always hope we will share words again. Hope we will create something permanent. How to bond with someone who deletes everything they create, that is the question. Fruit falls from a tree and to the tree it is gone, but fruit returns. We eat the fruit and to us it is gone, but then, more fruit grows and falls. The cycle of existence, non-existence, and back to existence again. Or is it non-existence, existence, then back to non-existence again. Which is the permanent state? Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
In the comment I just left on the previous entry, I identified with impermanence as the reality and permanence as the illusion. I suppose that correlates with my perspective that alone is reality and sharing brings an illusion of not being alone. Caring brings depths and emotion to the illusion. Spending time together builds references to support the illusion. Sharing on different sensory levels brings still more depth and memory of more tangible evidence that the illusion is real. Is it? The answer to that question is exploring a definition for alone.
Illusion or not, the sharing, the caring, the belief that we are not alone is so precious to us humans. The precious. At least it is to me, but then, I am not like anyone I know. I am probably like others in this world of almost eight billion people, but I've yet to meet anyone like me. Then I read your words and feel like you are a lot like me in some essential ways. Sister of another mother, blog family.
I keep trying to share the experience, the precious...
And here we are once again on the holiday billions celebrate for many different reasons. Delusions, illusions, or history - you choose. Santa is very real to many children. Jesus is very real to many adults. Family is very real to most people. None of this is real to me. The love that each represent is real, but no one shares it with the belief and depth others seem to share. I have no family. I am still very lucky I have friends. Friends who gather on this eve to celebrate being friends. Some of the people I only see once a year, yet they are caring and some are very happy to see each other. We share intelligent conversation on all sorts of topics and generally see things from similar perspectives. It is refreshing.
Good food too. The party has a Swedish theme as the hostess is from Sweden and I love the fishes and meatballs and other dishes. I brought shrimp and rolls. Everybody brings something that fits in with the Swedish fare, mostly. Yummy deserts too. It is one of my favorite parties because of the people and the food, but especially the people. I should get together with some of them more often.
Back to the Bond marathon now. You Only Live Twice, after all.
Whatever you believe in, may you share love today.
Is there anybody going to listen to my story? Does anybody want to even begin to try? I could write a song based n these first two lines. But if I did then I would have to lie. And I ma never ever tell you why.
I ever watched Kill Bill and I am sure it was partly because I do not like movies about killing but mostly because I often rebel against pop culture and the movie was raved about by all the cool people who like blood and gore and, well, I don't go to war movies much and it took me a while to see Pulp Fiction. Anyway, I may have gotten past that knee-jerk reaction to avoid the popular violence because when Hulu put Kill Bill on the Expiring Soon list, I decided to start watching movies on the list and after Airplane! and Total Recall I clicked on Kill Bill. Dang if Volume 1 wasn't curiously interesting.
A strange movie indeed. It would have been quite strange for a Tarantino film to have a simple ending where one parent says to the other "you know, many parents have overcome serious adversity for the sake of the child." They could have added "...especially when they both still love each other." The response of "Yes, but you shot me in the head." could have been met with "True, but my heart was obviously not in it because here you sit." Or "There must have been some reason I missed." And they all lived happily ever after in luxury. Not Tarantino, huh? lol.
That kid can sleep through anything, I suppose.
So I finally see what all the fuss was about and why it is sa bit of a cult favorite. Reading a bit about the plot turned me off to seeing it originally, but I am glad I did. Even if it seemed like Bill took care of the kid pretty well and mom is a bit out of control. She could have at least taken the money from Budd's place and other things along the way to insure she could raise the kid comfortably without having to be away on hits all the time. Yeah, no practicality at all.
How interesting... This incomplete entry received two page views in the few hours it was up out here and this entry was completely overlooked. Was it the title?
Meanwhile, the universe gave me a vague 2:00 PM wake up call. So I suppose the title should be Saturday Afternoon blah blah blah, no doubt. I slept about ten hours, mostly. I woke a few brief moments to roll over or go to the bathroom. The bowels moved with less drama than usual and it's been increasingly better for the past week or two, but still the same need for the doctor remains even after seeing five different doctors who passed me on, but the good news is that I have been eating heavier harder to digest foods and the digestive system is working just fine with a few prunes tossed in each day. I showered. Didn't wash my hair, but hot watered the rest of me as well as I can in this space. Sat down here to start writing and put on some music, Jim Croche's greatest hits, and then some... and here we are.
Eb said Hey Ken and seemed to be near my door. I wonder if he was talking to me. He usually just knocks. Maybe he was on the phone, but I didn't hear an more talking after the Hey Ken. I used to call him a close variation on his name for the first month or two I lived here. After nine months, though, I would think he'd known my name. Other than it being three letters, it's not even close to Ken. Then this next thought crossed my mind. You may have been reading me for year, even up to two decades... do you know my name?
lol.
I almost linked the old Beatles song suggesting you look up my number, but it wasn't queued up and the one above was, whatever it is. I wandered youtube listening to music this afternoon and then, for no apparent reason, I listened to this and left a comment.
It appears your idea requires a great deal of trust. That may be the rarest commodity in human history. In human history, has there been a society (nation, culture, government, tribe, whatever we call it) that has not succumbed to greed?
Do you think modern humans in this century could trust each other enough to make it happen?
Some say the bullies without ethics always win.
Has there been a time in human history where humans did not live in a state of conflict or war?
So what else is new? While listening to music, I also wandered the web downloading photos. It was another cathartic moment of finding words that express what I would like everyone who ever betrayed me to read. Simple thing, like wish you didn't or I'm still here and you're still welcome and also hopeful, always ending with the hopeful. It became yet another Facebook photo album that you can peruse through here. I commented on a lot more of the photos than I usually do, in case it matters.
As I was saying, The middle of the night is the time I want to share with her most, after all. Far from the rush-around madness time of day when nobody lets their truest feeling show because the cut-throat fight for the holy dollar is the most important thing on everyone's mind - the fight for physical survival happens during the day. Emotional survival belongs to the night and unfortunately, most people sleep right through it.
I don't.
Sadly, few people understand me or what is most logical and true and real to me. What is obvious to me seems alien to most minds I've known. Yet, when we talk after all the walls and pretenses of the day melts into the fatigue of late evening or night, so many look into my eyes with silent agreement. Some even say so.
What if the connection to the one I seek passes through my field of vision in the middle of the night when it is most likely to?
Don't get your panties in a bunch now, but f you already did, here, listen to this...
I set the microwave, usually, on multiple same digits. 999, 1111, 222, whatever the need for the zapping by the radiation, I usually choose same digits. So my food is cooking 666 at the moment. The onions cooked 1234, which was a variation I sometimes do when in the range of that time. The onions than cooked another 666 with ore onions that were already cooked added from a pack of Nathan's onions for hot dogs. Then the rest of the ingredients, beans with onions, beans with bacon, chili, hot dogs, barbecue sauce, ketchup, and garlic were all added and cooked 1111. That was stirred and is now cooking for 666. It should be done by then, deliciously radiated.
Watching the last two episodes of dead like me at with dinner tonight. I am an Ellen and Cynthis sandwich, emotionally. Sadly, the series ended in the second season just as they started exploring Rube's back story. The next to last show has the hardest ass on the show singing always to his dying daughter and they introduce a cool new character and George finds out she has an amazing power and they cancel the series. I knew from the first episode that it was bound to be a cult classic. Stupid TV execs. Just when the show was getting some serious heart. Bean counters. So many shows worth watching canceled before they could find their audience become cult classics. It's the dang instant gratification culture that TV helped create that created TV executives that have no patience or wisdom. People who have not one molecule of talent, imagination or creativity and but have enough business sense to occasionally count to ten and enormous luck and connection and want to be in show business become TV executives.
TV is not alone in bad management, movie blunders happen too often, like the movie version of dead like me I never saw and am turned off on just by reading about it. Moving it from Vancouver to Montreal is like moving it to another world. Even Google couldn't bear it, just look at the cast they list listing Laura Harris as Daisy and Masateru Uno as Georgia Lass? lol. But seriously (are they serious?), they were wise enough to write out Rube, but to try to replace Daisy was just plain stupid. Send her on her way like Rube and find another replacement like they did when they had to in the TV show. Stupid.
I put Airplane! on to cheer myself up.
On the second duh-duh I paused and ran out to get snacks. Actually, I drove out to get snacks. Chocolate wafers, fudge icing, vanilla icing, hot cocoa oreos, cheese doodles, and whole milk chocolate milk. Oddly I am not laughing on the outside. or is that... funny, I'm not laughing on the outside. so not I am uber-bloated and the ear is ringing and the room is spinning and the world is turning and the universe is about to go crash. Well, ok, the room is not really spinning.
Did I mention that breakfast and lunch became cookies. Home made cookies my boss made. I showed up fr work feeling bloated and pretty sure I was not going to eat anything but the boss made cookies and put a dozen on my desk in a nice gift bag. So now I've received four presents and six cards. This is more than I've received in three years. Chocolate covered Ritz crackers with a blended chocolate marshmallow flush mixture in the center.
I'd happily substitute most of the food partying I do for something else if someone would share that something else. Kissing is good. Exercise of some sort is wiser, probably. You know the bored caring who cares out of the blue sequence is coming soon, right?. Really, if you remember I am shocked and awed and wish you were here.
I did step out of the office for a few hours today, so it was different, but still, work. Work I enjoy, but work. So many hours being a cog in a machine. Life as a cog, there's a name for an autobiography. Or a comedy. Tragic comedy if it is to be real. The tinnitus is screaming and pounding tonight. Must be tired. Of course I'm tired, I push away sleep so I can write and then these morbid whining depressing entries come out so I can sleep without the morbid whining depressing babbling in my head. Process, remember?
You live in a world with twelve thousand menus and not a thing to eat.
Millions of search results, but what are you really looking for? Ever do a search for soulmate? Who, Ellen Muth? o, I am not over my adoration (and lust, don't forget the lust) for Mila Kunis, but I am watching dead like me, after all. I could go melt at Cynthia Gibb's innocent adorableness, but Ellen's sardonic character has me all aflutter (that's sarcasm, in case you didn't see it). Did Imention I am still on my dead like me marathon?
One more night.
I wonder if she eats. Or exercises. I forgot how much Christianity was in some of the episodes of dead like me. It completely amazes me how billions of people let religion make them oblivious to the fact that there are billions of other people who believe just as much that they are wrong. God is the most divisive concept in this world. People seem to love divisiveness.
The Dead Like Me marathon continues. It really is quite distracting. Just what the doctor ordered. The doctor within. I still haven't gone to the doctor. Caring about myself wanes during the processing. Heck, it was pretty darned waned out before the processing. Hanging on by threads, in fact. Now, the who cares fog rolls all around and thick enough to set me on auto-pilot and turn off all sorts of brain cells, especially the ones that interpret emotional stuff. Call me spaceman, spaced out, spacey.
Wait a minute, if it's that thick (the fog, remember?), then why haven't I been here? Or here or here or here or here, for that matters. In case it matters.
We're all temps.
I don't seem to be getting anywhere with Dead Like Me on the screen. I start typing and then am drawn into the dialogue and then my eyes turn toward the screen (and not just for the eye candy) and more brain cells shut down and I am (back into the show again).... I might as well be dead. Sure, I'd be missed. For a minute. The fact is I am not a part of anyone's daily life these days, in fact not even weekly and only occasional few monthly and that's only because I keep reaching out. The world and the people in it will move along just fine without me in it. The people who reach out to me when they need something will find someone else to reach out to or just make it on their own like I do. Maybe that's for the best.
Thing is, I don't want to die. I love the experience of living. Even if it is mostly for the food these days. Life is so seriously lonely when there is not someone in it on a daily basis, a continuous sharing, someone who cares how you feel every day, how you slept, how you eat and take care of yourself. Without someone sharing, sharing caring, it's all even more meaningless than it is when one is lucky enough to share the illusion of being together, partnering, or at least being there every day, if only to share the loneliness.
Remember when I used blog statistics to distract me from the loneliness and sadness of losses and poverty?... yeah, maybe that was grasping at straws so why not do it again... sure, with the ellipses and everything too... imagining I have millions of adoring fans awaiting my every word with baited breathe... I wonder how baited breath smells.
So these are the stats for the former daily blog, (e)thereal
United States
Russia
Ukraine
Romania
France
Germany
United Kingdom
Poland
Malaysia
China
Yeah, you can see why I could so easily enjoyed the millions of adoring fans illusion... I always wondered who were the people were... where they were from... I see all the countries and know a couple of people in them and yet, are they the ones visiting?... the people I know offline in the physical world don't visit as far as I know... nobody says they do... yet there are pages visits, a lot of page visits... mostly from the US but also from all over the world... at least there were a lot... I wonder what Ellen Muth is doing these days... she was too skinny sometimes, but I hope she didn't get fat... ... a lot of my imaginary friends were on tv...
Yeah, so there is Portugal finding the new blog we see. Hello Portugal. Am I amusing or depressing or boring or something else? Does that reflect more on my words or your reading? Are you gone now? Japan is new too, Hi Japan. Shall we discuss my Japanese schoolgirl fantasy? Maybe I do not have anyone close to me in this world and anyone wh starts getting close doesn't stay. I have the knack of pushing people away. It's a sense of humor to me, it's repulsive to normal folk. Thing is, I'm not looking for a normal folk. I am looking for someone who gets me, understands me, you know, simpatico.
I'm a dreamer, remember?
Maybe death is the temp job and life is the vacation
And what if that is true? Shit, we waste it working our time away when we ought to be spending most of our time enjoying the life without the stress of wondering if we'll have enough money to live comfortably when we retire. And those are the people doing ok for themselves. There are way too many people living paycheck to paycheck crushing themselves to pay off debt. Are the few who never have to work a day in their lives happier or smarter or luckier or all three? Not the ones I've met. Money poisons their so-called humanity. That is part of becoming the filthy rich.
No wonder no filthy rich people send me money, aye?
We see that Portugal and France like this babbling blog more than the brief blog. Hi France and hello again Portugal. Bonjour and Ola. Are you enjoying your visits? China, Russia, Romania, Poland, everyone... yay. It's a small world after all.
As usual, I am still here after midnight (really it is, never mind the time date stamp... I didn't want yesterday to feel left out or lonely... it's not a good feeling) and whatever. Am I wandering in circles? Are you? I started this entry shortly after getting back here and I left work on time. Hours of what? Whining and lamenting? Statistical distractions? Processing, it is called processing.
The phone has been uploading an update for more than half an hour. Version 11.2.1 they say. Not quite umpteenth, but getting there. No worries though, there must be something about umpteenth in this entry, I mean, just look at the title. That can't be all there is, right? How fatalistic. Or is that nihilistic? Something about something.
Two cans of Campbells's spaghetti and five slices of fat free cheddar cheese and a bunch of imitation crab with some extra mayo, butter, and ketchup in the sauce was dinner tonight. Here, take this summary of the day, another day (for the umpteenth time):
Actually, a lot more than umpteenth. Into the five figures or something like that. Are you in the five figures? What a strange way to ask what must be one of the most frequently asked questions in our cultures, how old are you?, aye? Not that I am interested in your age. Age maybe be the single most abusive prejudice we have in our culture today. We literally let people waste away and die unloved, uncared for, alone all the time in this culture just because they've lived too long for our patience. There was a time when age meant something powerful, profound, revered. Now, age is a curse like the plague and most people avoid it... like a plague.
I suppose that wasn't much of a summary of the day. Let's try again:
Work, as usual, at the desk all day, ten straight hours except for a meeting with HR about giving me a few hours to do safety training at orientation. Tomorrow morning I am going to get out of the office a little. I left my office after 6:00 PM and shopped a bit then home to eat more canned pasta. How I slipped back on this pasta kick, whatever. Watching Dead Like Me now.
So how was your day?
George: Why do I keep losing all the things and people that I care about?...
Rube: That's what life is, peanut.
Yeah, the profound comes right along with Dead Like Me, doesn't it? Death does that sometimes.
This entry has been sitting here growing slowly all evening as I watched several episodes and saw Ellen Muth lose enough weight to be concerning (I hope she learned to work out over the years) but her character is so relatable to me in a deep dark bored and amused part of my mind. Slowly moving, isn't it? There could be so much more maybe there will be. Tomorrow or sometime.
Let's start again.
Today was a day like most any other day... another day (for the umpteenth time). Actually, a lot more than umpteenth. Into the five figures or something like that. In fact, the average human age is approaching thirty thousand years. See?
Decisions too. I must find time to gather my wits, to clear my head, to reach out and trust again. I paid for the roommate website and sent more than a dozen messages. I must find time to get back online and see if someone responded. I sit here without internet for the moment. I must find time to process. I don't want to give up on people. The conformity is killing me. Paradox epitomized it which is why I am glad it was not much longer than it was but I really wish some good writers would have gotten a hold of the story and made it good. Still, it offers much needed distraction from the silence which is quite deafening.
And then, once again, the hateful idiots at Microsoft did it again. Froze the computer and I had to do a hard shut down three times and a half hour later, FUCK MICROSOFT.
There's the worst distraction of all, more silence. Anger and frustration because the assholes at Microsoft took over my computer yet again and stopped me from using it. Forget email or anything more tonight.
See yesterday and the linkages therein for more astutely revealing journeys into the psyche of the writer. I don't have time to fill this in just now because I will only get a few hours sleep at best and I have not slept all weekend so I will leave it as is and believe there;ll be time enough for writing come tomorrow...
What?... Have you ever seen Paradox the British TV show?
Sending love to the universe, hoping some falls on friends far away. This is all I have left for now, these words for all of you. My messages in bottles inspired only within my mind. My imaginary friends, I love you all so very much. Losing a friend sucks, but losing self sucks even more. It hurts. losing words hurts too. I remember reading the cryptic diaries and blogs and sometimes found them so alluring, but I think that was mostly my own overwhelming desire to share, to relate, to understand, and to make contact with the writer somehow. Some of you may understand. Loneliness does strange things to the mind, giving all sorts of distortions and wishes to perception and perspective.
I paid for the roommate website again tonight. I really should have laid down and slept, but I searched and searched and sent out a lot of messages instead. More messages in bottles. More people I will eventually drive away somehow. But I've got it all figured out, so maybe...
How do we learn to trust? Do we? Some tend to believe we are born trusting and we learn how not to trust. Some don't trust that opinion. Some wonder how we can learn to trust when we are told not to trust what is real and to trust what is imaginary from the moment we are spoken to. Most of life becomes an illusion-based mystery that just add to the fear of the unknown, of change, of so many things. The irrational becomes the norm. How can anyone trust anything in such an environment.
So what is a person supposed to believe in? Life? Love? Aliens? Rock stars? Fairy Tales? God? Which God?
So Paradox has a really great premise but I see why it only ran for five episodes. Some of the worst dialogue and character development I've ever seen. Guilt-ridden small-minded illogical characters with few if any redeeming quality ill suited for their law enforcement jobs bumble and stumble through poorly written mysteries without cleverness or imagination. The characters should all be in therapy. The characters and writing turn it into a dumb and dumber police drama that is not the least bit funny. Still, I watch it hoping they will reveal the mystery.
The things we do when we are alone and processing loses, any sort of distraction to pass the time. That trust thing. The mystery is not how we trust, the mystery is how I trust. How I continue to trust when I have been left alone by everyone I've ever trusted from the moment I was born? In a little while from now I'll be fine. The seeds of love and trust and hope are indestructible inside of me. Even when I feel empty...
I encourage you to read the last five or six entries. In fact, some of the entries since late last month are feeling really good for me. I would love some opinions (of course I'd love praise, but honesty is the most important thing anyone can give me).
The last few entries represent an explosion of something... creative genius?... random madness?... rebellious stubbornness?... artful desperation?... pathetic pandering?... we'll let you decide, but the bottom line is there has been an explosion, in most cases an incomplete explosion of words. For the record, the linkage was as random as it gets, mostly. Nothing is pre-defined, everything is just going with the flow of the energy of the universal infinity. Remember that? Can a yeah baby be far behind?
I will not go quietly.
I don't know what to do anymore to find someone who will love me unconditionally and accept me as I am and nurture me and support my creativity and madness and passions and believe in me and trust me and share the energy of the eternal infinity with me... BFF? Does anyone really know what the second F means - and can do it? Yeah, even if she is not the one, a friend, a true friend.
You know my story and I must have some responsibility in each relationship, but unconditional means something very different to me than it does to all the other people I've loved in this life. I am here for any one of them, right now. Yet since the beginning it has been this way...
Here I sit so all alone
No one to talk to, no one to phone
I'll search to find, for there must be
Someone as lonely who's looking for me
One of the first rhymes I ever wrote. A self-fulfilling prophesy? Could I be that self-destructive? I am still alive, still relatively healthy and very active at an age when most are quite sedentary or ill - or death. Still, I know I could do so much more so much better. I know I do not want to be physically intimate with anyone with this body in this current state. Still, no one in the physical life even comes close to inspiring me to want to be physically intimate. All that aside, what I want more than physical intimacy is emotional and intellectual intimacy and trust.
A deep all-encompassing sorrow rolls over me at times (can you tell?). I just want to share so much - everything openly and honestly. The sorrow comes when I feel lonely, when I want to share and no one is there for me. I know there are others who feel this way online and maybe we turn to an online sharing like this because we've been disappointed so often. It hurts to be lied to and so far, I've been lied to a lot. Most of the time I don't think it's intentional. I think people truly want to mean the words, the promises to always be there, to be a friend. From what I've seen, people do not live up to their words much. I don't mean making mistakes or misunderstandings or imperfections because no one is perfect. I ean just being there for someone no matter what - that is being a friend.
Living here probably has a lot to do with my moods. It is easy to feel depressed staying in this space too long. One big reason is because I would never want to invite anyone over here. That makes finding new friends much more challenging than it might be if I could invite people over to watch the game or play games or share a meal or just hang out. I just feel on the outside so much because I do not understand (more importantly, I do not want to be part of) the limited experiences, the fears and conditions and low conscious awareness most people seem to keep around them like some sort of mutual defense barrier. How many times have I written something like this?
This is not a good focus.
So I look for positive stuff. My two running backs have 54 points between them and one still has 30 minutes left to play. My opponent in the semi-finals has 79 points with 1 player and 30 minutes left to get more points. I have 4 players and 240 minutes left to get more points. I lead for the moment, 86-79 which bodes very well for me to win and move into the final game. Fantasy football. So the next thought is sad because Jackson is in this same league and we don't use that to talk or text and keep in touch. Fantasy football, sports spectating, is much more fun when shared. Nobody around to share sports in my circle of friends today.
Winning is not everything.
Sharing the fun of playing (or watching or both) the game is much closer to everything than anything else.
At least that is how I view life.
So what else is new? The weekend celebration may have fizzled to a drizzle as all the distractions and the sudden unavoidable realization of how alone I am and how I have no one to talk to has taken it's toll. Keep trying the pen pal route? Have hope for Lex? This weekend the next issue starts going into publication. I think it comes out in January.
I used to enjoy watching Stephen Colbert a lot. A commercial for his show just came on the screen. Tom Brady is playing and he is my favorite player. Pittsburgh and New England usually play well against each other and both have been favorite teams over the years. I've been eating White Castle cheeseburgers this weekend. The strict weight loss program has gone out the window. I just need to hang on through the holiday season and do my best to eat lower calories during the work week. Sleepless Saturday nights do not help. Feeling like nobody cares puts me in this self-indulgent place until I feel stupid enough to care about myself more.
Yeah, yeah, yeah... no.
In the game, my guy, Gronk, drops a touchdown and his guy, Cooks, catches one on the next play. Bummer. I am still ahead now 99-86. His #1 received is out of the game with an injury, so he has 22 minutes left. I've got 208. My quarterback, typically one of the higher scoring players (his QB got 30 points today) does not play until tomorrow night. Unfortunately my QB, Carson Wentz, who was the top QB this season got hurt and I have to go with my back-up, Matt Ryan. I actually drafted Ryan ahead of Wentz, so maybe he'll have two good games to end his regular season.
Sitting home alone keeping myself occupied with football on TV and babbling here to the universe and anyone who cares. This is much better than just sitting and watching TV and feeling lonelier. At least here, in my babbles, I can hope someone is reading and caring and maybe even will reach out. And to the one... I know you're out there somewhere :)
I encourage you to read the last five or six entries. In fact, some of the entries since late last month are feeling really good for me. I would love some opinions (of course I'd love praise, but honesty is the most important thing anyone can give me. Maybe if I say this at the top? Honesty, not criticism for the sake of looking for something wrong or cruelty, which seems to be a popular thing on the web these days. Honest love would be the best thing cuz its the best gift anyone can gift anyone. That's caring, helpful commentary.
Sometimes I seriously wonder who really cares about anything these days.
We are destroying our planet while destroying ourselves just to make a handful of people more money than they will ever be able to use in ten lifetimes. The insane quest for power over others is mankind's most self-defeating flaw. Think about it. If somehow billions of people died and there were only a few thousand people left on the planet and you were one of them, do you really thing you would stop trying to beat the other guy? The immaturity of our species is evident as we tear our heroes down all the time.
Whatever, my focus must be on turning around y own self-destructive ways. So why didn't I exercise today? Practice was cancelled and I didn't know it. I didn't sleep at all last night. Pushing the body without sleep is unwise. Good excuses. Still, excuses.
I just want a friend to talk to
someone who will not let me down
a friend who cares to be there whether
I am a fool or a clown
I just want a friend to hang with
someone who will I can count on
to be there when I need a friend
when everyone else is gone
do you know Jackson Browne's The Late Show?
do you have a real friend somewhere?
someone you know you can count on
someone who will always be there?
do you have treasured memories?
do you want to many many more?
is someone in your life understanding
who you are and what you're here for?
I just want a friend to talk to
someone who can share honest love
sharing each other just as we are
that is all I am dreaming of
And Brady moves the ball some 75 yards in 70 seconds and Rothlesberger throws an interception on the last play of the game and a fantastic finish and New England wins a big one. The fan comes out in me. The Jags are in the playoffs for the first time in years. Who gets the two first round byes is still up in the air. Sports fans know this, any sports fans out there? I texted Jackson. She's the only real sports fan I know. Jags are her team. She lived in Maine and loves it up there so she should root for New England too, after the jags, but she doesn't usually. Guess she didn't bond with her Maine friends as much as she thought. Eb is a New England fan, he's just one of the most subdued sports fans I know.
More creativity and positivity in the previous entries, but if you know me at all, I live on a roller coaster of emotions and love to feel (and express and share) them all. This is the best I can do alone.
The universe definitely does not want me to stay focused on the holiday this weekend is on my personal calendar. So many distractions and powerful emotions and confusion and challenges and changes... no no no, I was on the right track, I was coming back to my core... maybe Toronto was right, maybe I am better off alone no matter how painful it gets, no matter how hopeless it feels, no matter how close to giving up and letting this body die I get.
My heart breaks, aches, my core being demands I care and share unconditionally. It is my place in this world. It is why I exist. It is the secret to everything. Helping others, being family, that is life. All life is family. All humans are family. Biology, psychology, universal energy. If only someone would understand. Two could be so much more influential than one.
I must keep going. I must continue. I must not lose touch with the flow. I stopped for breakfast this morning. Coffee, my way, and a breakfast burrito and a bagel with cream cheese from Wawa. The burrito was cool, not even warm enough to be safe to eat with egg in it. The bagel was a hockey puck. I almost broke a tooth trying to bite into it. There is no way the girl behind the counter did not feel how hard the bagel was when she cut it, held it, and spread cream cheese on both sides. I was so pissed I wrote to Wawa and the Better Business Bureau. Serving the bagel was a risk, but serving food, especially eggs, not heated to safe temperatures is a serious risk.
Like I said, the distractions are pouring in so fast I am not sure the universe is with me, but I must go one, I must continue, even if it is against the universe. Sometimes, counterpoint is needed to maintain balance in any system. Even chaos needs some sort of equilibrium.
Will the words come now
Have I reached too far?
Human limits trap me
But I don't know what they are
Is it what I've been taught?
How much more can I know?
And how sure can I be?
Oh?
Watching Touch, a story about the inter-connectivity of everything. Subconsciously, perhaps unconsciously, I understand. The sad incorporation of the god delusion remains the tripping point of every story coming close to the answer. Interesting the Hebrew god is the one references in this story. And there's some Rabbi somewhere keeping track of the whole kit and kaboodle (or is that kittenkaboodle?... kittenandpoodle?), right? Human ego. Human arrogance. As if a human would have control of a god. Cross out a name, someone dies. Write a name, someone is born. Transfer a name from one list to another, the person changes. Amazing, right?
Indeed.
lol.
sigh.
Distractions.
Oooooo!
And there's a lot more I have to say...
Famous last words or prophesy?
Only the producers and studio executives know for sure lol :)
Losing my mind... I just searched for my phones and wondered if I left them at Wawa. I looked around the room and could not find them. went out to the car and did not see them but was distracted by an old woman dressed in raggedy clothes pushing a bicycle on the street (surreal imagery, spooky moments) who just happened to be passing as I went to the car and she called out hello... how you doing? and I looked up and said hello... I went back inside, then thought... on the seat and sure enough, the phones were on the seat out of view because of the center compartment. There were the two mayonnaise packets I did not find too. Amazing, I know.
If only Z was here, he'd inspire me to fly or something.
Dear Blog Family, the precious. The entry before and my comment offer still more reminders of why I continue reaching out and offering adoption. Some puzzle pieces fit so well, we can suspend time and space and just commune over a few words and tthe illusion of not being alone. It is so sad when we have no one with whom we can share that illusion.
