The last few entries represent an explosion of something... creative genius?... random madness?... rebellious stubbornness?... artful desperation?... pathetic pandering?... we'll let you decide, but the bottom line is there has been an explosion, in most cases an incomplete explosion of words. For the record, the linkage was as random as it gets, mostly. Nothing is pre-defined, everything is just going with the flow of the energy of the universal infinity. Remember that? Can a yeah baby be far behind?
I will not go quietly.
I don't know what to do anymore to find someone who will love me unconditionally and accept me as I am and nurture me and support my creativity and madness and passions and believe in me and trust me and share the energy of the eternal infinity with me... BFF? Does anyone really know what the second F means - and can do it? Yeah, even if she is not the one, a friend, a true friend.
You know my story and I must have some responsibility in each relationship, but unconditional means something very different to me than it does to all the other people I've loved in this life. I am here for any one of them, right now. Yet since the beginning it has been this way...
No one to talk to, no one to phone
I'll search to find, for there must be
Someone as lonely who's looking for me
One of the first rhymes I ever wrote. A self-fulfilling prophesy? Could I be that self-destructive? I am still alive, still relatively healthy and very active at an age when most are quite sedentary or ill - or death. Still, I know I could do so much more so much better. I know I do not want to be physically intimate with anyone with this body in this current state. Still, no one in the physical life even comes close to inspiring me to want to be physically intimate. All that aside, what I want more than physical intimacy is emotional and intellectual intimacy and trust.
A deep all-encompassing sorrow rolls over me at times (can you tell?). I just want to share so much - everything openly and honestly. The sorrow comes when I feel lonely, when I want to share and no one is there for me. I know there are others who feel this way online and maybe we turn to an online sharing like this because we've been disappointed so often. It hurts to be lied to and so far, I've been lied to a lot. Most of the time I don't think it's intentional. I think people truly want to mean the words, the promises to always be there, to be a friend. From what I've seen, people do not live up to their words much. I don't mean making mistakes or misunderstandings or imperfections because no one is perfect. I ean just being there for someone no matter what - that is being a friend.
Living here probably has a lot to do with my moods. It is easy to feel depressed staying in this space too long. One big reason is because I would never want to invite anyone over here. That makes finding new friends much more challenging than it might be if I could invite people over to watch the game or play games or share a meal or just hang out. I just feel on the outside so much because I do not understand (more importantly, I do not want to be part of) the limited experiences, the fears and conditions and low conscious awareness most people seem to keep around them like some sort of mutual defense barrier. How many times have I written something like this?
This is not a good focus.
So I look for positive stuff. My two running backs have 54 points between them and one still has 30 minutes left to play. My opponent in the semi-finals has 79 points with 1 player and 30 minutes left to get more points. I have 4 players and 240 minutes left to get more points. I lead for the moment, 86-79 which bodes very well for me to win and move into the final game. Fantasy football. So the next thought is sad because Jackson is in this same league and we don't use that to talk or text and keep in touch. Fantasy football, sports spectating, is much more fun when shared. Nobody around to share sports in my circle of friends today.
Winning is not everything.
Sharing the fun of playing (or watching or both) the game is much closer to everything than anything else.
At least that is how I view life.
So what else is new? The weekend celebration may have fizzled to a drizzle as all the distractions and the sudden unavoidable realization of how alone I am and how I have no one to talk to has taken it's toll. Keep trying the pen pal route? Have hope for Lex? This weekend the next issue starts going into publication. I think it comes out in January.
I used to enjoy watching Stephen Colbert a lot. A commercial for his show just came on the screen. Tom Brady is playing and he is my favorite player. Pittsburgh and New England usually play well against each other and both have been favorite teams over the years. I've been eating White Castle cheeseburgers this weekend. The strict weight loss program has gone out the window. I just need to hang on through the holiday season and do my best to eat lower calories during the work week. Sleepless Saturday nights do not help. Feeling like nobody cares puts me in this self-indulgent place until I feel stupid enough to care about myself more.
Yeah, yeah, yeah... no.
In the game, my guy, Gronk, drops a touchdown and his guy, Cooks, catches one on the next play. Bummer. I am still ahead now 99-86. His #1 received is out of the game with an injury, so he has 22 minutes left. I've got 208. My quarterback, typically one of the higher scoring players (his QB got 30 points today) does not play until tomorrow night. Unfortunately my QB, Carson Wentz, who was the top QB this season got hurt and I have to go with my back-up, Matt Ryan. I actually drafted Ryan ahead of Wentz, so maybe he'll have two good games to end his regular season.
Sitting home alone keeping myself occupied with football on TV and babbling here to the universe and anyone who cares. This is much better than just sitting and watching TV and feeling lonelier. At least here, in my babbles, I can hope someone is reading and caring and maybe even will reach out. And to the one... I know you're out there somewhere :)
I encourage you to read the last five or six entries. In fact, some of the entries since late last month are feeling really good for me. I would love some opinions (of course I'd love praise, but honesty is the most important thing anyone can give me. Maybe if I say this at the top? Honesty, not criticism for the sake of looking for something wrong or cruelty, which seems to be a popular thing on the web these days. Honest love would be the best thing cuz its the best gift anyone can gift anyone. That's caring, helpful commentary.
Sometimes I seriously wonder who really cares about anything these days.
We are destroying our planet while destroying ourselves just to make a handful of people more money than they will ever be able to use in ten lifetimes. The insane quest for power over others is mankind's most self-defeating flaw. Think about it. If somehow billions of people died and there were only a few thousand people left on the planet and you were one of them, do you really thing you would stop trying to beat the other guy? The immaturity of our species is evident as we tear our heroes down all the time.
Whatever, my focus must be on turning around y own self-destructive ways. So why didn't I exercise today? Practice was cancelled and I didn't know it. I didn't sleep at all last night. Pushing the body without sleep is unwise. Good excuses. Still, excuses.
someone who will not let me down
a friend who cares to be there whether
I am a fool or a clown
I just want a friend to hang with
someone who will I can count on
to be there when I need a friend
when everyone else is gone
do you know Jackson Browne's The Late Show?
do you have a real friend somewhere?
someone you know you can count on
someone who will always be there?
do you have treasured memories?
do you want to many many more?
is someone in your life understanding
who you are and what you're here for?
I just want a friend to talk to
someone who can share honest love
sharing each other just as we are
that is all I am dreaming of
And Brady moves the ball some 75 yards in 70 seconds and Rothlesberger throws an interception on the last play of the game and a fantastic finish and New England wins a big one. The fan comes out in me. The Jags are in the playoffs for the first time in years. Who gets the two first round byes is still up in the air. Sports fans know this, any sports fans out there? I texted Jackson. She's the only real sports fan I know. Jags are her team. She lived in Maine and loves it up there so she should root for New England too, after the jags, but she doesn't usually. Guess she didn't bond with her Maine friends as much as she thought. Eb is a New England fan, he's just one of the most subdued sports fans I know.
More creativity and positivity in the previous entries, but if you know me at all, I live on a roller coaster of emotions and love to feel (and express and share) them all. This is the best I can do alone.
Narf :)
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