Tuesday, June 13, 2017

It's Been A While

it's been a while
since we've been here
no energy
nobody cares
nobody shares
nothing to see
oh come on

yeah, so it begins as nonchalantly as ever with a yeah, so, and an as if anyone could understand why I don't like Star Wars, not even the Family Guy version of it, and I like Family Guy enough to repeat the title in this entry in the first few lines (remember... something... I am not sure what I was going to remember or remind you to remember because Eb walked in just as I wrote the word remember and I paused to tell him that the lawn guy came around to ask when he could do the lawn again and that interruption interrupted that amazing rhyme so this entry is being sabotaged greatly before it even gets off the ground but that's not all because Eb went straight into the bathroom before I could tell him I sprayed {heavily} the cracks with Tilex because I finally broke down and decided it was time to clean up after him and the bathroom is strong, very strong, and I think he left the door open because the strong is reaching me here so I'll have to get up again and close the bathroom door because Tilex is not something we should be breathing in but it needs to soak into the grout to get the grout clean especially since it did not work on the first spray so I will be back in a few...

so where were we?... yes, still in the parentheses... something about giving in and cleaning a bit {first time the bathroom has been cleaned since I moved in... I know, gross... the song a man needs a maid was written about Eb} and being repeatedly interrupted and something about a legendary movie franchise and Family Guy {when I grow up I wanna be Seth McFarland's best friend) which really disappoints me when it comes to religion because it just pretends atheism maybe because if it didn't it wouldn't sell as well as it does because just look at the popularity of King of the Hell, I mean Hill, nuff said} so maybe it is a good time to mention I drank caffeine and ate until my stomach reached it's limits {about ten months} and have more energy than I've had when I used to babble poorly all these last few months or is it longer since I've been working and tired and having fun afk and still I miss the k and the babbling and the me hidden in all the words that nobody comes to see anymore maybe because nobody really saw in the first place within all the words and all that jazz) when I used to babble and wasn't so bloated? What rhymes with bloated, anyway?

it's been a while
since I've been this bloated
since my pregnancy
done went and exploded
since my back teeth grinned
and my belly floated
nothing to see here
life eroded
mind imploded
love encoded

I would be very careful with that if I were you. Enclosed are the secrets for saving the world, handle them with care. No one read the label. The package made it's way to the dead letter office when no one was there. This is an old fable. Aesop could not find it. The Grimms might have understood. these guys might rewind it. Mother Goose maybe could. Name droppers screamed from Shakespeare to Seuss burning Gilgamesh's fathers' ghosts. Leaving Homers and Simpsons and Kings on the loose to taunt and tantalize the hosts. In times named for classic metals and lives long gone by. Truth slipped through cracks as nets of fear taught us to turn a blind eye. Keep your hand away from your thigh or risk wrath from on high. You find you are gone and forgot ro say good bye.

Woah baby, where are we coming from? Shhhh, just look away and play dumb. Fear taught us all how to be numb and blind to what we have become. Who dares to care enough to understand. Where is your hand? Where is your hand?

turn away
keep your hand at the level of your eye
come what may
you don't ever have to say goodbye
to be gone
the speaker fell to the floor
carry on
you don't hear the song anymore

So you coulda been a contender too, aye? Yeah, the babbler just needed a shot of caffeine to break through the clog of cynical shit that's been fouling the synapses between the ears (can you hear me now?... maybe it was a month of Family Guy and Star Trek (all flavors) in both ears that shut the brain down and turned the senses into Romanian sludge (they said it was jelly... hello? hello?) because I care, that's why, because I care because I care so I will not give in to the silence between the lines (not betwixt neither, not no way, no how) and I will leave the hotel California in my own good time too.

Don't give up on me baby because I care because I care because I care and no matter what, even if you give up, even if everything in the universe gives up, I will resist the entropy just because I can because I care because I care because I care because I care. On ad infinitum I dare because I care because I care because because I care because I care because.

It's been a while since we've been here.

So much time, fifty or more hours a week is given to the new job, working for the man, yet except for all the time I do not have for myself and my needs and my dreams, I still love what I do as I roll on past the ninety day mark. If I only could find me somebody to love, somebody to love, someone who could reach me deep inside where I laugh, where I hide, where I sing, where I died and still lay awake each night wondering why... I will not lie so I am alone a great unknown dog without a bone king without a throne song in monotone ever ringing phone all silently moan like a rolling stone like a stolen poem like a an unread tome buried garden gnome a still metronome falling ice cream cone precious seeds never sown like winds never blown like beyond alone like...

an unfinished moan.

Wow, there sure is a whole lot of (shall we search for the right word?... is there a single word?... mocking despair?... high melancholy?... sorrowful laughter?... you remember laughter, right? lol (and so do I... but if you don't and you give in to depression I hope you find your way to a cathartic session with your inner muse or a good therapist because I don't want to imagine all the life you missed sitting up on a shelf feeling sorry for yourself and it's not that I don't feel sympathy for I own agonizing empathy but I refuse to go down for the count in this life so please put down whatever you use as a knife and damn the doubts that keep you from the hope you can create inside if you just care enough to put yourself above your fear (or just be too stubborn to follow the herd who pretend to hear the word that promises miracles but only brings them down) ... what?

A man along too long... a poem or a song... who wrote it? I forget... I recall being wet. Were they the tears of a clown or a hard rain coming down or just the new kid in town? I smile. Why do you frown? I smile at your frown and wish you well. I don't need your heaven or your hell. Actually, I want no part of your heaven or your hell. But I do wish you well.

Ah, did you miss me? I went away to write a few thousand words to J. Right here in the middle of all this babble, yup, the caffeine did it's job. After a week without caffeine, a can and a half of Kickstart sure did kickstart something here. What it's worth to you (and I hope it's something if not a lot), even if it is a lot, is less than it is worth to me. The babbling is therapy, remember... the babbling is love... the babbling is how remember all the things I still want to dream of... yeah yeah yeah yeah...............

don't be sad
even though this world is falling down
don't be sad
even though people will hurt you
don't be sad
even though you find fear in a clown
don't be sad
even though people desert you

you can find hope
if you want to
you can find love
it is still alive
you can find truth
inside of you
hope, love, and truth
you can survive

don't be mad
even though life is destructive
don't be mad
even though people are cruel
don't be mad
even though pain is seductive
don't be mad
even though you're called uncool

when you tell the truth
when you really give
when you are vulnerable
when you're sensitive
when you share your fear
without all the lies
you can rise above
if you open your eyes

and all you have to do is be real
don't be afraid to feel what you feel
and just be yourself
just be yourself
just be yourself

Are you still there? Were you ever?

Well, the ol' clock on the wall strongly suggests I get some sleep as morning comes swiftly around here these days. Life is spectacular in so many ways in spite of the loneliness of being alone, the isolation of living far from friends and in a space I will not even entertain the idea of entertaining, rainouts for the last two weeks (jonesing for softball), a dramatic lack of will power when it comes to food that has resulted in bloat exacerbated by the lack of motivation for exercise and lack of softball, excess fatigue due to lack of creature comforts in this living space and long work hours and all the other things listed above, the absence of sex sensuality or silly semantic amusements only slightly related to, you know.

Has it really been ten years?

Did I just spoil it for you? Well, you know where the exit is and naturally you don't want anyone coming in there even though most of the world searches for anal school ore than anything else. Don't let it get you down (or wake you up), it's only your life flashing before your eyes. After all, the world is full of fat people dreaming of being thin people but afraid to be thin because the world is full of fat people telling thin people to stop putting them down for being fat people. Fat people rule, either way. Except when the real work needs to be done.

What did you expect, I switched to live TV to see how the mass media painted how Orlando Florida handled the anniversary of the worst mass shooting for a thousand miles or more and left the live TV on into The Colbert Report and thank goodness for his fair and balanced reporting on the world and politics because I was starting to hear some really unbelievable and even scary things about our current national government and it is wonderful to learn there is so much to laugh at in the everyday antics of all the presidents men kissing the presidents ass. The only sad thing is how fast this country is sliding down in world leadership and respect. Maybe the country needs some anti-depression, anti-anxiety, and anti-psychotic drugs like so many people are prescribed these days.

Of course I could be wrong. Of course that could be wrong too. Which one do you take? Seventy percent (yes, 70%) of Americans take a prescription drub at least once a day. See, you're ok, you're normal. You get to laugh or shake your head with pity and the poor 3 our of 10 people who are not enlightened enough to spend more than three hundred billion (that's $300,000,000,000.00... and $374 billion in 2014) dollars every year to be in with the in crowd. You wanna be cool, right? Well dontcha?

Ok, so it is way past a sensible bedtime and I really don't want to stay up imagining a collaborative film produced and directed by Oliver Stone and Michael Moore with Stephen Colbert as creative consultant. Listening without sound, think Oliver Stone is studying to be Larry King, but he could be just posturing that way.

the world is far away and I like it out there
I don't want hate and fear and cruelty near me
when bullies are the heroes and no one seems to care
and children can be condemned for a simple query

why is the sky blue?
which God is the best?
why do children starve?
when will people care?
why do leaders fight?
then send children to war?
where is peace on Earth?
what is living for?

where is the love you tell me about?
it never seems to make it on the news
where is the god you tell me about?
is going to church just paying dues?

why do church leaders live like royalty?
why do government leaders live in luxury?
when billions do not have enough to eat
and millions live out on the street
why do corporate leaders live flamboyantly
when most people live in poverty?

is that what leaders do?
is that ok with you?
is that the way you want the world to be?

is that the way of God?
are these questions too hard?
mommy daddy will you answer me?

the world is far away and I like it out there
even though I'm lonely, I'm happier this way
when users are the heroes and love gives into fear
this world is no place for a child today

So how are you?

Stay strong, love long, and prosper. That doesn't mean you need to put me down. When normal is hypocrisy and most people fear honesty and evil is represented by a clown and you pretend your smile is not a frown... there is no self-respect under your suit or gown. Stay strong, live long, and prosper. Just don't preach goodness unless you do it too. As long as you can support war there hypocrisy and more you have to lie to yourself and your kids. You need an enemy so you create one to defend the things you did.

I don't like you like that. Do you? Maybe we just have different points of view.

Well, hasn't this been fun?

This is what happens when I let myself get exposed to the news. The world is so full of sociopathic self-destructive hypocrites feeding on the misfortune of others that they gawk at every night like rubbernecking drivers passing a bloody accident. Maybe it feels so good to see someone else's troubles because the brain sends out happy hormones as a response to the thank goodness that was not me thought. Everyone seems to want to be considered normal and be accepted and that seems to mean tolerate bullies and cruelty and might makes right and insensitivity and ignorance and inequality and unethical, even criminal behavior disguised as business.

All I wanna do is love and laugh and have fun.

it's been a while
since we were here
just making love
without a care
it's been a while
since we knew peace
it's been a while...

it's been a while
since we just shared
it's been a while
since we just cared
it;s been a while
since we had fun
it's been a while...

so many people wait for Armageddon
as if dying in war is a good thing
so many people dying for religions
as if that is love that their Gods bring
so many people want to be millionaires
as if that is the meaning of life
so many people ignore so many people dying
so many people support so many people lying
so many people defend so many people denying
that there is blood on their own kitchen knife

stop telling me we are all brothers
as long as we are killing each other
stop telling me to love one another
as long as you are abusing our mother
stop telling me you know what is right
when you ignore so much that is wrong
start earning respect by being honest
and tell me you can hear this song

it's been a while
since we could say
no one died
in war today
it's been a while
since this world knew
a day without
a child starving to death
it's been a while
since we took a deep breath
and took responsibility
for our own mess

since we were here
just making love
without a care
it's been a while
since we knew peace
it's been a while...

it's been a while
since we just shared
it's been a while
since we just cared
it;s been a while
since we had fun
it's been a while...

Anybody with me?

Narf :)




PS... and now I lay me down to sleep and hope people will live in peace and love will overcome all fear and people become aware that sharing is the best way to survive and caring is the best way to be alive... and maybe someone will find me and fall in love and inspire me to fall in love so we can be in our own shared reality of peace and love and happiness...

if that's too much to ask, I guess, I'll just make the best of this mess.

There is always hope :)

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