Zombie Body

Though not quite all numb, there were some cramping pains today, but mostly numb. Mostly good ache in between the occasional cramping. The fool I am does not exercise daily even though the body feels so much better after exercise and so much more better whe I exercise daily (I still remember, I'm not that deep into dementia yet wink win nudge nudge).

Three full hours out in the 40 degree morning on my feet practicing softball. Pitching hundreds of pitches (at least 25 to each person, usually more, and there were 12 people) and for every pitch I had to bend over and pick a ball at least twice. That doesm't include fielding and running bases and hitting. By the end of the three hours I could barely bend over or swing the bat.

Did I mention I did not sleep last night?

What? You think I dream these entries into existence? Well, I sort of do. Some doozing or dozing may be happening as this entry rolls along, slowly. Definitely. Already has. Started during the brief entry that I am expanding here. Between doozes... or dozes, for that matter.

Anyway, the local team, Jacksonville, is playing their playoff game and it is on in the living room so I am standing to watch it so I don't fall asleep. Jackson's second home as a child was Jacksonville so I am a fan by proxy, even though it brings that deep abandonment and betrayal sadness. Why we've never gotten together to watch any sports is pretty baffling, but why she doesn't even text to acknowledge we are both watching and cheering, completely baffling.

We had season tickets to the local university, UCF, and they went undefeated and had their best season ever this year. Nothing. The Cubs won their first world series in more than a hundred years, nothing. The local team wins their first playoff game in ten years, nothing. I don't get it (unless it is the clear message to stop communicating, stop pretending we are even any sort of friends, and just move along in life as if we never met (no less shared so much and made so many promises about being best friends and family). I was in the hospital last year and she never knew. I wonder if I'll even be invited to her wedding.

Lots of people do it, go from BFF to non-existent, so much so, it seems the human norm. How people choose to call someone their best friend one day and completely write them out of their life the next is a conundrum tat leads me to not want to trust people at all.

Hunger calls, even tough I stopped for six of those roller-food things at Racetrac. The body definitely needs more, muscles are cramping. So I ordered pizza and wings and eggplant and cheese (much much more eggplant and cheese that way for $4.99, rather than ordering it as two pizza toppings for $4.00). Much better now, though the cough is demanding more lozenges, alas. Eb ordered a sub and I brought my chair and table into the living room to ea there. Watching the second game as I type this now while Eb plays his video game and listens. Doing a wash load so I have cloths for tomorrow night when Monday night softball begins again.

Did I mention we won the Saturday league championship yesterday?

Wish the one (or you, if you be friend) was here.

Yeah, I really feel lonely and torn into pieces even though I enjoy watching, or at least hearing about some teams winning. The zombie body feels much better after pizza and wings and eggplant and cheese. So much so, the brain is working overtime and experiencing the myriad of feelings that watching sports brings now. Similar feelings occur whenever I go to Facebook or Twitter as I see how active she is and yet, I see a messaged less and less, it's been months since the last one. After repeatedly being completely written off and abandoned by people who told me I was in their lives forever, how do I trust someone again? Yeah, that is the bottom line unresolved question that all the other stuff helps me avoid.

Ah, even the head cold, sniffles and coughing and zombie body is not enough to distract me from honesty and it opens the door for the poor-me stuff so easily. It s the conundrum that gets me most. How to people just write each other off and stop existing for other people when they were supposed to have cared and mattered so much?

Letting the body fall asleep when I first got home, even though it meant missing the football playoffs, would have probably been healthier for me all around.

Yay Jacksonville, Yay Saints, Yay life, Yay me.

Narf :)