Expanded Nothingness

Yes, this is yesterday's entry expanded with more links and explanatory babble and random connections that may make more or less sense than yesterday's entry. This is the second revision and ther will be more. If you are excited about this, we should talk :)

Let's see what we can make of this, this being more than a hundred entries saved for some reason, reasons may show, or perhaps the random, but I want to believe in love (oh you may not be able to imagine how much I want to believe in love, in goodness, in kindness, in the human heart and mind and ultimate survival... so much so, I'd die a million deaths if that would make it true) so I do. The second half of that dream is more personal, a dream that someone will one day want to actually know me and help me express who I am because as well as I know myself, we do not fully define ourselves and become real outside of our own heads until we actually share urselves in this physical world. Understand or not, whatever I may be to you or become in my quest, I continue questing as only Don Quixote may ultimately understand..

Did you grasp the significance of that last statement?

Did I have to ask?

Sometimes, perhaps often of late, I may be only partially here and partially in an illusion no one can perceive (perhaps two illusions, one collective and one mine), but through all the pain and breakage (and there is a great deal of breakage in me), the music keeps me stable at my core (do you undertsnad that music is a language all it's own?... the universe understands... I have more proof of that than anyone could ever remember, but when I need to, the universe reminds me in such simple ways... the end of an episode of NCIS: New Orleans called Empathy, even lol that just happened to happen at the precise moment I was writing this (on the third or fourth edit, no less). Music reminds me of who I am and I am still the same, whatever that is (as if I didn't know... you want to know?)... still pushing through every challenge and still here, writing and writing and writing more... writing for a friend (for the world and for the one and the dreams don't die even when there is no one to share them... even if no one ever hears.

I dream and dreams drip (ooze, squirt, radiate, pulsate, sometimes explode) out from my core, from my heart, from whatever I am (did we figure that out yet?... are you paying attention?... how many fingers am I holding up?) in little bits and bytes and even exposed as completely as one can be, still I am alone and there is no wonder why I wonder (and I wonder, still I wonder, who... who... who... not an owl, maybe a song, if you understand then sing along) who can understand how broken a person can be and still solid at the core, an ethereal core that is indestructable because it cannot be touched... it can only be felt.

Some of the links lead to entries that are not complete, adding to the mystery and fun this entry might be if you follow along and spend enough time getting to know me. Maybe I am not the only one who understands and is still hoping for more than a memory, more than the a fantasy, more than anything ever before. Sometimes all I want to do is sleep (in heavenly peace and dreams that never really die).

Sometimes all I have is a fantasy, but the fact is I wonder what matters, if it matters, does it matter to you? Every now and then I leap back in time to moments deeper than memories, moments that remain alive against all odds and beyond dreams in a place where we can be mindful of how temporary this life really is, no matter how we wake up and introduce ourselves and no matter what we believe or how we perceive the experiences we experience in this life. So many random links in this paragraph, who could possible put the pieces together.

Memories... sung by a cat, no less. Memories can bring up together or divide us. I prefer the unity. Whether it is coincidence or magic the truth is sometimes found in the processing of information even when it hurts (and life hurt, in case you didn't know or want to believe it doesn't). Maybe no one will ever know me but I will keep reaching out to anyone who might listen in spite of the madness screaming from the rooftops of our highest pedestals we might still remember something worthwhile.

This entry could be one of the most revealing entries of the recent memory or perhaps, whatever, we need to heed warnings of lunatics and missing persons. Wouldn't it be ironic if the links actually matched up with the meaning in the words in this entry? You thought perhaps there was some deeper plan to the method of my madness? Could be, but then, could not be too. Shakespeare asked something about it once and life had meaning beyond anything and even more if we care. I care so much sometimes no one can see it because I don't show it. Any roommates out there?

When you care so completely that you don't need to show it, it doesn't show sometimes. Especially not in a world where most people turn off their senses. Do you close your eyes? Are you in there?

Would you care if you knew? It is a question, a bottom line question asked constantly in my head on so many levels by so many parts of me to just about every human being on this planet. Would you care if you knew... me? Who am I? Really, I've asked those closest to me and anyone who might care to answer and I so rarely have received an answer. People don't care enough to think about it enough to provide a meaningful answer. There are times when words haunt me and even when I let go of the lies people tell, I still want to believe in the heart's intention... especially 4AM when I am wide awake at 4Am.

You've got to make your own decisions.

Even if everyone is afraid of me, I will keep hoping there is one person in this world who is not. Just one person who might understand the insatiable desire to share everything no matter how seemingly meaningless because if just one person understands me from any perspective even as I recreate myself in words, redefine myself, introduce myself as if who I am really matters to at least one other person besides me. I keep hoping.

Sleep was feeling so attractive just a about eight hours ago, but here I am pushing the limits and remembering, however haphazardly, however randomly, the things that made me who I am. The abandonment issues. Life has not always been sugar and spice and everything nice, after all. So again and again I will ask is anybody out there? And again and again I will push the limits and wonder and ask and ain't to proud to beg if you would just let yourself love unconditionally you might realize you don't have to lie or delude yourself alone.

Once again (right here, right now) I look at the lack of entries here in this blog and and wonder did anybody notice when I disappear? Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah





Who cares?




Right?




Narf :)