If you look around, you will find me. You can judge me as you wish, but if you don't find me, your judgment is as meaningless as judgments get because you don't know what or who you are judging. It's k to judge, everyone is entitled to an opinion, but at least make it meaningful. Make yourself meaningful. Relevant. Worth something.
Your chioce.
So anyway, the ruling on Spectrum streaming is pretty easy to judge. It suck. I have not seem an entire play from scrummage in over an hour. Currently about ten seconds stream and then there is a pause, frozen screen, for at least ten seconds. Sometimes the freeze out lasts up to a full minute. It is obviously not meant to be accessed via a wireless connection. I would never pay for this service unless they made vast improvements.
Meanwhile, for anyone wondering about Jackson, more specifically, what the heck all the up and down and high and low and hello and goodbye and and agony and ecstasy and all the babbling about her, it comes down to this. It hurts. It hurts that she lied. It hurts that she used me. It hurts that she promised to be a friend and really turned out to be just another selfish user. I saw her do it to someone else but she told me there are things I didn't know about why she abandoned someone else who was once part of her. I believed her when she said it would never happen to us. It hurts to face the truth.
So why don't I just let go and write her out of my life, ignore her texts and tell her not to contact me again?
The answer is simple. That is not the way I love. She is family. Family is forever. Even f the other terminates the contact, I do not close the door completely on family. She will always have the opportunity to explain and prove her actions did not really mean me harm. Se will always have the opportunity to try to convince me she actually cared about me. That is the way I am.
Still, it hurts like hell to hang on to hope when all the empirical evidence says she does not care, that she just used and discarded me, and now occasionally sends a text message out of guilt or just to make sure her parachute is still there if she finds herself alone with no where to go. Yes, in spite of how much she's cost me and how much it hurts, I will take her in and let her use me again if she needs help. I just need to write about the feeling, release the pain in word, so I can resolve it bit by bit and continue being me.
More and more, I can return to the things Jackson and I used to share and get past the pain of her betrayal to enjoy it by myself. I must repeat (for myself, at least) that I don't let go because I do not want to write her off as a complete user. Not letting go of the hope she will learn and face and take responsibility for what she did and make some reparations that will show she understands how cruel and uncaring she was in more than words is how I love and hope and continue feeling good about myself and keep in touch with the unconditional love within me so I can still share it again if someone comes along and wants to. Or just needs to. When I love, it is unconditional, so she will always have the opportunity to grow into a caring person who does not use others.
Don't be cruel to a heart that's true, ya know?
Well, hopefully you understand, even if you don't know. So I suppose what this entry is about is explaining to myself and anyone who cares, in case it matters, why I bitch and moan and complain about things (and Jackson is by far not the worst abuse and betrayal I've experienced, she's just the most recent and therefore the most raw and unhealed) that I could possibly change if I put up walls and cut people out of my life completely, but that is not me. All those books about toxic people are full of crap. What is toxic is trying to control others and trying to divide others. What is toxic is judging others and hurting others. People are not toxic, actions are hurtful and deadly. Negativity is toxic if you do not use it to create positive action.
Forgiveness is the great detoxifier.
Work on it, it comes after you start understanding and actualizing tolerance, compassion, understanding, and the magical ingredient, love. Honest, unconditional love. The kind your religions talk about. And your family values are supposed to be made of. When you put them all together in your actions, you discover the healing power of forgiveness and it's euphoria, well, who doesn't want genuine euphoria. A lot of you call that heaven.
Keep working on it. You'll be a lot healthier when you get it right. :)
Narf :)
No comments:
Post a Comment