This is what I am coming to realize. I am not sure if I know anyone who is not broken inside. Good, kind, beautiful children have minds that want to believe in people and hearts that want to trust. Until they are broken. Until someone simply lies to gain their trust and then betrays them. The innocent trusting heart breaks and it is more challenging to trust again. The vigilant persevere and try again, however broken, and sometimes, they find someone who can commit and sometimes they find another betrayal. Some try again and again, almost becoming numb to the broken pain inside. Trusting by rote, not consciously acknowledging what they are doing but just accepting the comfort and promise for however long it lasts. Blinded by the need to love and be loved and the pain it has brought them, they are helpless victims of repeating the same mistakes over and over.
Broken.
If you think you are not broken, you are either too young to know or too old to care what is real and true... or the luckiest person on this planet. Have you loved and lost?
I am not sure if this helps or if it just a placebo. Emma might be amused, but understand?... who knows. Whatever she might understand, she is one of those voices that call out to me at night. One of those voices who may never know I hear her, but I am here if she calls. Why should everyone who doesn't call me be someone who knows me, after all. I can give you other references, other names, other links. Don't think I haven't thought this through. There is plenty of time to figure it all out behind the walls.
Don't let it go to your head, you may not understand as much as you might think you understand.
Tonight was another orphan thanksgiving dinner for those with minimal or no family in the area. I wonder if I am the only one with no biological family. I wonder if I am the only one who has no one ever called family close enough to reach out to if I needed anything. Just to talk, even. The family who adopted me never talked about anything really serious with me. No one ever looked me in the eye as a child and told me if I ever needed to talk, they would listen. It just was not that kind of family. There was some vague and superficial assumption that there was some family bond, but it was not ever consciously acknowledged and I don't buy into assumptions.
There is truth in this song, for what it's worth. Few ever actualize the experience far enough to know that truth, but I did and truth is very clear if you face it.
So I carved the ham and another guy carved the turkey and they were both good, but drier than they ought to be coming from Boston Market. Izzy set a beautiful table for 14 and an odd group of social rejects, myself included (we can explore what I mean by that if anyone cares to converse on the subject, but until someone does, it is what it you make of it and hopefully no one creates offense where none exists), sat around and stuffed our faces. Only one couple was there (Julie and Porter). Sarducci came without his girlfriend, Glinda, so their on again off again relationship may be going back to off (a half dozen times back and forth over the last four or more years. I sat next to Tinman and Polly sat on the end of the table on my left. Her parents sat across. Safe zone for the dinner. A lot of eating, passing of plates, a little conversation. Polly's parents do not speak a lot of English.
The usual foods. Turkey and ham for the meats. Two kinds of cranberry sauce, two kinds of potato casseroles, a green bean casserole, s small dish of gouda mac and cheese, julienne squash, brussel sprouts, stuffing, probably a few other dishes at the other end of the table. Dinner went quickly. We sat around eating and in just over an hour, cleaning up began. Dessert was a lot of pies and nothing I was interested in, which was better for the body.
After dinner we played games. It did not go well. Confrontation and one guy went in the living room to pout quitting on his team. As I said, social rejects. I could have handled it better too, but I don't try to control people the way he did and when I called him on it, he just left. Harpo vented some of his depression and seeking validation for his anger from Tinman. He does not fully understand that his obsessive venting is why he has trouble finding new friends. So what's my excuse, right?
We played a few more games as people started heading home before 10:00PM and then Izzy, Harpo, and I played a game of hearts before we left. I got home close to 2:00 AM. Sleeping in tomorrow.
I was good. I did not discuss the state of the world with anyone other than Julie who shares many of my views. She is brilliant and in the news business. I did not bring up my distaste for this holiday and all white Europeans and now most "Americans" have made of it. I tried to be positive and I believe I succeeded. I did my best not to focus too much energy or awareness on the fact that almost everyone was grossly overweight and the healthy active influence I seek was not there tonight. I wonder why I am attracting obese friends and I suppose it is because I am reaching obese proportions again and I do not give out healthy vibs to the healthy people nearing my energy field. There are some at work, though the three I interact with most. I will focus on my health and fitness when I want to, when placating my dissatisfaction with my current life with food becomes less desirable than dying fat and broken.
Dear me... can we start healing again tomorrow?
Probably not. It's the holidays, after all. I may be moving a bit closer to Izzy as she enjoys shows so we are going to see Love Never Dies tomorrow. I don't know her well enough to have already shared how I relate to love and relationships and people, no less the Phantom story or music, but perhaps we will share and bond a bit more tomorrow. I certainly would like a new close friend who can share a serious conversation, though I have not gotten that vib from her over the years. She likes being in a romantic relationship and I have no desire for more than platonic friendship with her. If you've been reading me for any length of time then you know my platonic relationships can be more serious and intense than most romantic relationships (remember Jackson?). We shall see if that is something she wants.
Meanwhile, when it comes to self-care of this body... I am as sick as the rest of the culture.
Looking bck on the idea of becoming more "human" I wonder... this really what I wanted?
Fitting in is not all it's cracked up to be.
Narf :}
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