Processing

See yesterday and the linkages therein for more astutely revealing journeys into the psyche of the writer. I don't have time to fill this in just now because I will only get a few hours sleep at best and I have not slept all weekend so I will leave it as is and believe there;ll be time enough for writing come tomorrow...


What?... Have you ever seen Paradox the British TV show?

Sending love to the universe, hoping some falls on friends far away. This is all I have left for now, these words for all of you. My messages in bottles inspired only within my mind. My imaginary friends, I love you all so very much. Losing a friend sucks, but losing self sucks even more. It hurts. losing words hurts too. I remember reading the cryptic diaries and blogs and sometimes found them so alluring, but I think that was mostly my own overwhelming desire to share, to relate, to understand, and to make contact with the writer somehow. Some of you may understand. Loneliness does strange things to the mind, giving all sorts of distortions and wishes to perception and perspective.

I paid for the roommate website again tonight. I really should have laid down and slept, but I searched and searched and sent out a lot of messages instead. More messages in bottles. More people I will eventually drive away somehow. But I've got it all figured out, so maybe...

How do we learn to trust? Do we? Some tend to believe we are born trusting and we learn how not to trust. Some don't trust that opinion. Some wonder how we can learn to trust when we are told not to trust what is real and to trust what is imaginary from the moment we are spoken to. Most of life becomes an illusion-based mystery that just add to the fear of the unknown, of change, of so many things. The irrational becomes the norm. How can anyone trust anything in such an environment.


So what is a person supposed to believe in? Life? Love? Aliens? Rock stars? Fairy Tales? God? Which God?

So Paradox has a really great premise but I see why it only ran for five episodes. Some of the worst dialogue and character development I've ever seen. Guilt-ridden small-minded illogical characters with few if any redeeming quality ill suited for their law enforcement jobs bumble and stumble through poorly written mysteries without cleverness or imagination. The characters should all be in therapy. The characters and writing turn it into a dumb and dumber police drama that is not the least bit funny. Still, I watch it hoping they will reveal the mystery.

The things we do when we are alone and processing loses, any sort of distraction to pass the time. That trust thing. The mystery is not how we trust, the mystery is how I trust. How I continue to trust when I have been left alone by everyone I've ever trusted from the moment I was born? In a little while from now I'll be fine. The seeds of love and trust and hope are indestructible inside of me. Even when I feel empty...


There is so much more...

I am so much tired...

have fun out there...

Narf :)