Let's see what we can make of this, this being more than a hundred entries saved for some reason, reasons may show, or perhaps the random, but I want to believe in love so I do, whatever I may be to you or become in my quest. I may be only partially here, but through all the pain and breakage, I am still the same, whatever that is... still pushing through every challenge and still here, writing for a friend... even if no one ever hears.
I drip out from my core, from my heart, from whatever I am bits in time and exposed as completely as one can be, still I am alone and there is no wonder why I wonder (still I wonder who... who) can understand how broken a person can be and solid at the core and maybe I am not the only one still hoping for more than a memory, more than the a fantasy, more than anything ever before. Sometimes all I want to do is sleep.
Sometimes all I have is a dream, but the fact is I wonder what matters, if it matters, does it matter to you? Every now and then I leap back in time to moments deeper than memories, moments that remain alive against all odds and beyond dreams in a place where we can be mindful of how temporary this life really is, no matter how we wake up and no matter what we believe or how we perceive the experiences we experience in this life.
Whether it is coincidence or magic the truth is cometimes found in the processing of information even when it hurts (and life hurst, in case you didn't know or want to believe it doesn't). Maybe no one will ever know me but I will keep reaching out to anyone who might listen in spite of the madness screaming from the rooftops of our highest pedestals we might still remember something worthwhile.
This entry could be one of the most revealing entries of the recent memory or perhaps, whatever, we need to heed warnings of lunatics and missing persons. Wouldn't it be ironic if the links actually matched up with the meaning in the words in this entry? You thought perhaps there was some deeper plan to the method of my madness? Could be, but then, could not be too. Shakespeare asked something about it once and life had meaning beyond anything and even more if we care. I care so much sometimes no one can see it because I don't show it. When you care so completely that you don't need to show it, it doesn't show sometimes. Especially not in a world where most people turn off their senses.
Do you close your eyes? Are you in there?
Would you care if you knew? It is a question, a bottom line question asked constantly in my head on so many levels by so many parts of me to just about every human being on this planet. Would you care if you knew... me? Who am I? Really, I've asked those closest to me and anyone who might care to answer and I so rarely have received an answer. People don't care enough to think about it enough to provide a meaningful answer. There are times when words haunt me and even when I let go of the lies people tell, I still want to believe in the heart's intention... especially 4AM when I am wide awake at 4Am.
You've got to make your own decisions.
Even if everyone is afraid of me, I will keep hoping there is one person in this world who is not. Just one person who might understand the insatiable desire to share everything no matter how seemingly meaningless because if just one person understands me from any perspective even as I recreate myself in words, redefine myself, introduce myself as if who I am really matters to at least one other person besides me. I keep hoping.
Sleep was feeling so attractive just a about eight hours ago, but here I am pushing the limits and remembering, however haphazardly, however randomly, the things that made me who I am. The abandonment issues. Life has not always been sugar and spice and everything nice, after all. So again and again I will ask is anybody out there? And again and again I will push the limits and wonder and ask and ain't to proud to beg if you would just let yourself love unconditionally you might realize you don't have to lie or delude yourself alone.
Once again (right here, right now) I look at the lack of entries here in this blog and and wonder did anybody notice when I disappear? 3Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
Who cares?
Right?
Narf :)
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