Same Trap, Different Day (Misunderstood)

So after sleeping until after 4pm (after falling asleep after 7am) I text chatted with Jackson and once again she seems to assume I am depressed and don't have the coping skills to recover (that must be what I project on the surface and that is probably deliberate to see if anyone is really paying attention to me) and I reassure her that in spite of the challenges of every day life and the sadness of nobody caring deeper than the surface, I have survived a lot worse and will likely survive this latest series of challenges (the primary challenge being creating enough income to continue eating and drinking and then enough to continue having a social life and then enough to continue expanding my social life and then enough to do more and ultimately enough to retire comfortably... someday... somehow... somewhere).

So after once again trying to vent a little and get her to understand what is going on deep down inside of me I texted this:

I am so lucky Curly gave me a private place to live for free. I am so lucky Excel's son gave me an iPhone 5s. I am so lucky you gave me a good laptop. I am so lucky I can still play softball five or even ten games a week. I am so lucky I have not needed medical care (though I must motivate myself to go for a check up for a few important things at the free clinic). I am so lucky I can walk and talk and be myself just about anywhere I go. I am so lucky you are my friend. I am so lucky I can usually enjoy life's challenges and celebrate waking up and living another day. When I seem down or upset please remind me of these words and also please remember that these words represent who I am deep down no matter how challenging a moment may get. I appreciate being here. 😀

Maybe she will finally stop seeing the surface downbeats and see who I am down deep (and maybe she does and respects me and just doesn't know how to show it).

Anyway, after that text chat I texted Curly and he was on his way to meet Excel and the Commodore at a Mall about 45 minutes south of here to eat dinner at the food trucks that gather there tonight and then whatever. Sigh, and nobody thought of telling me. Probably because the are so used to me playing softball on Friday nights most of the year. At least I can hope that is why I did not get an invite.

So I once again, to avoid the loneliness of staying here in this uncomfortable space, went out to dinner and ate more calories than I needed. This time food truck just food, crab cakes and sides. I drank water though. We went into the mall but instead of walking around to burn off calories, Excel, the Commodore, and I watched Curly and Excel's daughter go on the high ropes course they have at this particular mall. I did not want to take a chance of straining my healing back and should not have even considered spending $25 so I stayed on the ground gaining weight. All four of us are obese according to the charts and I am the least obese among us. Not a good influence on the food addict I can be. It was much better than staying here alone and trying to stand and type of sitting when my back does not need hours of sitting at the moment.

After the mall we went to ColdStone for ice cream. I got a large with extra fudge, naturally. I could have easily been satisfied with a small and extra fudge because it was the fudge that I really wanted, but the foolish choices I make when with others who eat way too much continue in spite of my knowing better when I get home.

After ice cream we went to Excel and the Commodore's place to play cards for a few more hours. Yes, more sitting. So I gained at least five pounds (probably more) this week after losing more than five last week.

Can we say suicidal dummy?

Ah, and there Jackson (and perhaps most of you) step in to caution me about self-deprecation or attitude and encourage me to develop positive thoughts and so on and why don't you get that these are my positive thoughts and I am laughing at my choices and that laughter is better than beating myself up and definitely challenging me to do better. Any other method, for me, is superficial and counter-productive.

So when do we actually change habits to healthy smart?

lol lam narf. :)







PS... oh wait, you care?... want the same sort of honest love I give myself?... ok then, when are you gonna show up?... I dare you to show up and challenge me to make better choices and then stick around to show me how it is done and hang out with me to see if I do... you may be surprised at how you will benefit... afraid you can't keep up? :)