It did not help the overall downbeat of stress over feeling lonely and useless and blah blah blah. I should have called the Thrift Store about the job on Friday instead of letting the doubts and stress grow over the weekend. Yeah, there is a dark depressing clouds raining down on me. Until it passes, I present something I wrote to a dear friend during another dreary storm for your edification and entertainment.
Don't be scared now.
The winds of chance, the energy, or perhaps some force beyond my current awareness has presented challenges in the past few hours. Google Chrome stopped working for me. I wandered the web for solutions all night and as the sun rose, I started using Opera as a browser. Then, suddenly, as if to taunt me, Chrome pops up after an installation of the latest Adobe Flash. I leave out many details of the night's escapades. Fantasy football drafting, watching TV online, various other activities, and the usual writing (which has not been so usual or frequent of late, but that's another story). Then coming here to the blogs to find your entry.
Chills for the memory of such love and loss and still gaping wounds, for me at least, that I seem to nurture as a monument to heart-felt folly that may be the wall keeping intimacy away. Ancient memories, still so fresh and numb between searing surges of sophistry and the occasional dramatic pause...
Of course it is the drugs, the chemicals produced by our own brains that seduce us into believing someone is the entire world, Of course we appreciate the roller coaster ride of emotions even as we are tossed off, unless, of course, we did not enjoy the ride while it lasted. Only fools and liars pretend they did not revel in the illusion of two becoming one so we'd never be lonely again.
I feel sad to imagine that some people never stepped into the waters of the ocean of emotions we loosely call falling in love. I feel even sadder that I have not even been to the coast in a long long time (as Linda Rondstadt sings in my mind). I dream much weirder and scarier dreams now.
Not even the Phantom of the opera could imagine the turmoil of distraction and fear that plays off-key in the restless emptiness of my imagination. I laugh at my current state of being realizing I have finally reached a portion of my goal to be human. To be normal. To be unaware of the mess I made even as I make it.
We just need to go through it. Let go of the reigns. Leave the conscious awareness on the beach and dive in as deep as it goes. Slide, glide, hide the reason and just let time go by. That is how we can lose everything.
I feel sad for anyone who has not lose everything at least once in this life. Even sadder for those who gave up and did not rebuild, for in the regeneration of a life, appreciation for the experience is exponentially enhanced.
I enjoyed the top of the mountain. I enjoyed the valley. I still watching the wheels go by now as I slide into another crevice from which I may not want to extricate. Yet I go it alone as it seems that is my plight.
Someday my princess might come.
I hope I am still here. :)
May these words offer some distraction or more as you do through what you are going through. I imagine you understand some and that is enough sometimes. I hope your sun shines through the clouds to cast rainbows on your eyes, as tears can do if we let them (sometimes you have to squint just a bit).
I am happy you were here. You inspired my smile. :)
I am weirdly amused.
Narf. :)
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