The meeting at the help place was disappointing as the case worker was nervous and impatient (constant leg tapping, minimal eye contact) and I sensed she did not see me as someone who needed help. I suppose she is used to people in much more dire straights than I am, like people who do not have a car to move into or people who have no job or job search skills, which is very sad. I thought I was going to find out about some assistance programs, but she only focused on job searching and for survival I am on my own. It's kind of like when you feel like you are ready to let loose a really good bowel movement but all you do is pass a little gas. Or something like that.
I am in the system now, for better or worse, so we shall see what happens.
Meanwhile, my primary concern beyond having a roof over my head and food to eat is health issues and there is no resolution to the check up this body needs. pain at the anus (and blood) continues with each defecation and while I continue to home hemorrhoids are the cause, the lingering concerns about something more serious remain. That's the kind of eat-away-at-everything-good stress that takes years off a life that most humans apparently accept or choose and it really is the saddest aspect of humanity I've come across so far in this money-driven world where health care is only available for those who can pay for it. Let the poor die is so inhumane, not to mention painfully reflective of the hypocrisy of religions so many pretend to believe make them good people.
I am hoping that the supplements I am taking daily will adjust the lab results and remedy some of the ailments annoying (and killing) this body, but I won't know that until I can get more tests done and I am not sure how many free lab tests I can get in a year. The doctor who ordered the tests never called me so she must not consider the results serious (or simply lost me in the paper shuffle), but I am taking them seriously because they point to potentially serious hospitalization and other very expensive medical care in my future. I can't afford a kidney transplant, after all, and the lab results say I am half way to kidney failure. Crossing the line into Type-2 Diabetes can lead to more serious ailments like blindness so reducing my A1C is a priority. I am realizing so much has been left out of the blogs over the past few months.
Mostly farts. Oh sure, there is the butt reports and the back reports and the other ailments, but I think I've neglected to include many of the medical details even in the body blog, which is a sign of repression and suppression and denial and avoidance and giving up on anyone caring enough about whether I live or die to ask, no less actually do something to help. Not that too many people are in the position to help, but a few who are supposed to be very close to me and say they care deeply about me are and they avoid the serious subjects. Sigh.
It's not all depressing news, like I read that the raw potato starch and apple cider vinegar often produces a lot of gas but that's not been the case for me (ah, finally we come directly to the title of the entry, aye?... well, there are literal farts and figurative farts (among other kinds of farts we do not need to explore at the moment), but you see I wasn't just farting around about farting around, after all). I was always more of a burper than a farter and I am burping even more than I used to, especially at times between meals, so there is the gas effect I suppose. The digestive effect (softening stools and reglar bowel movements) seem to be happening, but I won't know if the sugar processing is improving or if the levels are dropping until I can get the next lab tests. Preoccupied, am I? Hopefully the dietary changes are having the desired effect.
Did I ever share the last lab results?
Most of the details of life are pouring into letters to J these days. Nobody responds here and recently I am finding that I am more interested in responses than in babbling most days, so it is a blessing that J is able and willing to respond. The rest of you can ask for details as you wish and I will likely sort through all the letters to J and insert entries into this blog when the mood strikes me and time permits, but for now and for the first time in a very long time, the blogs are taking a secondary place in the written gardens and letters are moving back to prominence. That is how it was for some years before the advent of internet blogging and perhaps the hope that personalized actual caring will return in the written world again. J proves it is still possible (more thanks than words can express dear J) :)
So dear readers (except for J) and local friends, life goes on without you. I miss some of you a lot, but I accept your choice not to share with me and do my best to read your absence with a positive perspective hoping you are enjoying life so much that there's just no time to keep in touch beyond your immediate daily physical world. I care as much as I always do and I hope reading that inspires your smile.
Good morning :)
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