more to come
I am ready to sleep. Unfortunately, I must be awake in two hours to head out and get some documents printed and then take an exam for a postal worker job. When I mentioned it to Excel, Curly pipped in with some factoid that most postal workers worked at Wal-Mart in what has become his usual demeaning way. Knobby made a sarcastic comment that all you need to qualify for the job is a gun and some other negativity that I tuned out. More and more I am seeing the disdain they both have for me and I want to believe they don't even know it or mean it, but hey, that's my naive hopelessly hopeful child talking. What they must say about me when I am not around, sheesh.
I called Excel on the way home and we chatted about a half hour as I filled her in on the changes coming in my lifestyle. We may be crossing from casual friends to closer friends because she welcomed me to call to talk about anything anytime (though so many people say that and don't really mean it, even the most well-intentioned). I asked her to research storage place prices in the area because she works for a storage place and has access to all the competitors prices and she sounded happy to help. We will get together to talk more in person without the card players around because it would likely be an uncomfortable subject for Curly to hear and he'd probably react very poorly. I am learning how passive aggressive, controlling, and demeaning he can be to people who get close to him. I wondered what his ex-wives and ex-girlfriends meant when they said, just wait, you'll see, he'll turn on you too and I am seeing it in all it's glory. The public smile and laughter hides a very scared child angry, paranoid, and obsessive about control who projects his fears and doubts on others until he gets a reaction that validates his fears. He always has to have a story about any subject that on-ups others and I've reach a point where I wonder how many of these perfect response stories are actually true. He must be right, must know everything, and disregards others feelings more and more as we hang out.
His name is changing to Landlord for the blog.
Anyway, I shall survive even as I just continue as if the body and mind require no sleep. If I sit around too much (lack of exercise kills), though, I sink into a desperate malaise of hopelessness and despair (sigh, where is my song?... saved by the rhymes?). Yet as if I always forget until I do it, with some exercise I awake from that delusion of helplessness and fatality to find renewed energy and hope blooms from the darkness and rainbows shine through my years. Yeah, so that's what I did today before cards and the night shift I seem to be on even when I stay awake all day.
I searched for jobs online, sent resumes, filled out applications, took tests, emailed, and burned the energy until I sunk into a funk, but with a little help from my friends I pulled myself out and headed to Curly's for cards with healthy food and ate the healthy food (and two small pieces of pizza) and came home and watched a couple of TV shows online and then dropped into desperation as I was not sleepy yet had a job exam in the morning so I texted Jackson (poor Jackson) and then headed out for a brisk walk for 40-odd minutes (who's odd) and then showered and returned here and wrote two letters and found hope and energy and here we are. Job test in a few hours. What time is it?
It's butt hurt time...
to be edited, continued, or something...
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