I feel surprisingly good.
Surprising, in part, because I over-stuffed myself with Italian food the past few days and added many chocolates and cookies and thick rich sweet whipped icing yesterday (and there's more in the fridge that I shall indulge in as soon as The Maharaja heads out (he just woke and is showering so I will leave the kitchen for him as he heads out soon).
I shall watch a bit of life, another show on Hulu I started watching last night, eat my leftover pizza and eggplant parm breakfast, then check emails and continue the job searching. I just may do laundry today if I am wise and the Wednesday blahs do not suddenly appear.
And then...
Wednesdays. This one started off more positive and cheerful and energetic than any Wednesday in recent memory. Wednesdays have been my most depressing day of the week. That's probably because it is the only day I have nothing planned and usually do nothing with anyone. I usually wake late and spend a lazy day doing nothing productive and get to feeling sorry for myself as loneliness swallows me and convinces me that nobody really cares, especially not the people who say they do most and to whom I've given more or my time, energy, money, and everything I have more than anyone else. Most people I've cared for in this life have drifted away, especially when I needed them. What's the song? you left me... just when I needed you most.. That's life, at least as I know it.
That started an email to J after I made the mistake of following up on a Facebook messenger message from Harpo about a job opportunity, some sort of shopping service similar to Uber or GrubHub or the delivery services out there now. Some supermarkets are participating in the service where people with cars and time sign up to take orders and go grocery shopping for people who want to pay for the service of having their groceries delivered. I can just imagine the headaches from picky customers, but they claim $15-$25 an hour can be made and while I suspect SCAM, I told Harpo I will check it out so I finally did. I signed up only to find there are no opportunities in my area at this time. I expect the SPAM emails and phone calls to start any minute now.
Anyway, there were a gazillion other notifications and messages (on Facebook), but I did my best to ignore everything except the posts awaiting approval for my wall and then, the biggest mistake, I checked Jackson's wall. It's like I don't exist in her life anymore. That is what affected me most, but the rest of the superficiality and privacy disrespect of Facebook slipped in too as I continued writing to J.
I made the mistake of giving in to a Facebook message about a job opportunity and that had the usual result, bringing me down. I can so live without Facebook. It just reminds me how people stopped caring in real life and substitute smiley face emojis and pictures for words and settle for that when they can actually share offline in physical life. I love correspondence and very much know how intimate and real sharing in words can be, but for people who live in the same physical space or good friends (or best friends) who live minutes apart to rely on text or the even less meaningful public Facebook posts to wish each other Happy Birthday or as primary communicate (as most people I know today do), it saddens me to my core. How superficial and truly uncaring "caring" has become.
Yeah, that's the come down. It's Wednesday, I should not have visited Facebook. I also saw a few Happy Birthday posts on my wall because Facebook chose to violate my privacy settings by posting the date I put on Facebook as a birthdate (because they require a birth date to join now). I set my birthdate as private, so here is my Facebook post today in response to the people who cared:
Thank you to everyone who wished me a Happy Birthday here.
Apparently, Facebook changed the privacy settings without notice as I had my birthday set to private for 10 years and this is the first year it seems to be public. I received a lot of SPAM email and telephone solicitations that week as well. Another reason I am not on FB much, it is a marketing tool, but still - thank you for caring. :)
If you message me here and I don't respond, I am taking a break from FB. I do that regularly and may not be back here this year.
Make your end of year activities as enjoyable as possible and take care of yourself and those you love. For me, real life is eye contact, sharing time and activities with someone, and hugs.
Our time in this world is precious - share your time offline with the people who really matter to you. :)
Call or text if you want to reach me. :)
I continued writing to J (thank goodness, or this would be a short and depressing entry, no doubt) abd she helped me come to terms with the changes I must accept as I stop avoiding the reality of the way people care (and stop caring) in this life and move along to life more alone with some hope that I will find true friends who actually do things to help me when I need help. I'll likely continue whining and lamenting over the people who say they care but don't show it, especially the ones I adopted as family (foolish illusions only real in my mind, alas... people have their own families and I'm still not really part of any so get over it and enjoy life alone cuz that's how it is... cue my songs again, please lam). Yeah, I'm alright. Thanks J. :)
So I came here to snap out of it a bit while the food is heating up because Hulu is not working because Microsoft and Adobe did an update and Hulu is scrambling to figure out what they have to do to get their product working again (like so many other software vendors... so far Kaspersky and Lenovo have fixed their stuff to adjust to Microsoft's "fixed" and I am hoping Hulu won't take too long). I'll give them a day or two before asking for money back for this month. The worst timing possible, because I was in a good place for relaxing with food and some TV this morning. So the electronic internet is conspiring (I know it's coincidence, but I have so little personal life and no intimacy anymore so I imagine the universe is directing personal energy and action at me just so I don''t feel so alone. It amuses me) :)
I am re-adjusting to life alone and while it comes at the worst possible time, when funds are running out and hope is at a very low ebb, I have been here before and shall adjust. So this email serves a dual purpose for me. It documents a passage into another level of aloneness (letting go of hope for a few people who I thought were friends I could really depend on in a pinch... Curly and a couple of others and most painfully, Jackson) and it reinforces my intention to not give up on sharing as I am keeping in touch with you. This reinforces my appreciation of you and your heart and your understanding of life.
I wish I could do more
to help the ones I love
to see how they are failing
to live up to their words
as they slowly close the door
still praising a god above
blind to the hypocrisy
and their actions - it's absurd
to pretend good intentions
are enough to be kind
how can I help them see their heart
is out of touch with their mind?
As they move on with their lives
leaving unresolved challenges behind
Does it really make life easier
to let the heart go blind?
Just taking when they need
Just sharing when it serves them
Abandoning the promises they made
I wish I could do more
Than just serve or observe them
Abandoning the promises they made
I'll leave this one unfinished
in the hope I find a way
to do more to help the ones I love
The difference between this Wednesday and most Wednesdays is that I am writing - and not just laying around giving up. At least not so far. The day is still quite young (and laughing at that thought is a very good sign) :)
Hope your day starts out with a smile.
No comments:
Post a Comment