Forgot To Sleep

Yes, it is past sunrise and I am still awake eating chocolate chips after a breakfast of pasta and shrimp. I am beyond ridiculous and I doubt it is because I did not say goodnight to Jackson last night but it is one of the first nights I deliberately did not send her a good night text in years and I am concerned as she had some relationship bumps Friday night and agrees she needs to stay off her phone because her addiction to texting and checking Facebook and her phone does undermine her relationships and the least I can do is not provide her with any reason to go to her phone. Trouble is, I'm just one reason she goes to her phone and she has had relationships go south because of her phone habit. ADHD abd a strong habit of avoiding intimacy and talking to people face to face combine to make for challenges in maintaining a relationship. So I apparently use that to put my concerned parent hat on and pretend that is why I am still awake.

Loneliness is an even stronger factor than concern for her relationship because, after all, there is nothing I can do for her except ignore the phone until Monday and hope she followed her own advice that I and her therapists have been giving her for years. If you want to maintain a healthy relationship, put the damn phone in a drawer and forget you have it most of the time. Be in the physical space in the now, in the moment. Zen stuff, but really do it. Open to sharing. Focused on the person you are with. Don't let AHA or fear or anything get in the way. Or leave.

The choice is that simple. I ramble on about it here to avoid my own loneliness and assorted other stresses.

So I am indulging in chocolates and pastas and more. Why did I stop drinking the daily dose of Apple Cider Vinegar? Why did I stop the daily yogurt and raw potato starch? Why did I not replace the iron supplements? The latter is funds, ok, but I have the first two and can afford the third. Lazy self-destructive behavior. So stop pointing at Jackson and shine the spotlight on thyself, damned fool!

Oh, how very dramatic.

The previous entry deserves to be read and here I am rambling on with another entry before anyone wakes up to read it. The previous entry, come on go read it and click on the links and sing it's praises and tell me how wonderful I am and how wonderful you feel as you get to know me through the links and the blogs linked and the songs linked and the dance of the even viels I do.

Figuratively.

Wait. You want to see avoidance. I'll show you avoidance. This is avoidance. Yup, I returned to the Diaryland diary that started in 2004 and updated there, not simply cutting and pasting babble for a few entries here, but actually getting into the old babbler mode (or giving it a shot) and letting go of some soap suds and other crap floating around in my head. It used to be quite pleasurable and cathertic, amusing, even. Not the painful whining crap that goes on these days around here, but some creative play with words and ideas and who knows what. Interactive, even. Tell me what you think? (I was not too proud to beg back then).

I have two dinner dates tonight (note romantic dates... I don't actually think I've ever been on a romantic date unless I was already in a relationship... my relationships all started with friends through work or socializing so I knew the person fairly well before becoming intimate... the whole normal dating process is alien and a bit repulsive to me, like car shopping, but I digress) and I want to go to both but I will likely only go to one. A birthday dinner one on one with Precious that I pay for rather than a group dinner where I might meet someone new and interesting and I would not be paying. Alas, I made the plans with Precious a couple of hours before the second invite came along. Life as I know it.

Maybe I am still awake because of all the music I listened to and felt and processed...


Who me?

So I check "MyCBS" and find there is a new episode of MacGyver and guess what I'm doing. That's right, the headphones are on and the show is on full screen on the large monitor while I tap the keys into the notepad on the laptop monitor. I am driving myself crazy letting the notepad drive me crazy letting life drive me crazy and so I dance.

Gonna lay back and watch a bit, I think.

Narf. :)