More entries... is it because it is December and the emotions rise and to the surface more than some other months due to my personal history (that has nothing to do with holidays just a couple of people from my past and starts in late November and mostly concluses by the 17th of this month) and the general hysteria brought on by the holiday season that sometimes warms my coccles but much more often naseautes me with pretentious hypocrisy and blatant phonimess?
Yes, if you look back at the start of that sentence, that was a question.
December often has more entries for both reasons and then some, but then, who's counting? So continuing from the previous (sort of), the afternoon was spent mostly testing the fixed notepad. To our surpise and delight, tt's working great. Apparently it was some feature/preferences settings that slowed everything, some sort of proxy setting and some sort of Lenovo program that both went away with a reset of Internet Explorer. I don't understand where that "Agent" program went (or where it came from), but it is no longer overwhelming the CPU. Maybe some of the changes I made helped. The key changed seemed to be the Internet Explorer settings and go figure, I never used the browser and didn't even know it was on this notepad (since Microsoft pushes Edge so hard), but leave it to Microsoft to mess up like that.
Internet TV streamed without any lag all afternoon while notepad accepted words and other tabs were open for blogging and other tabs were open for email. Chrome worked fine. I added four email accounts to my regular account so now I can access more of my email accounts from my log on. Moving in to this new machine. I watched the CBS shows, Elementary and MacGyver, which caught me up on the CBS shows for the moment and then I switched to Hulu and started watching Shut Eye. Trippy. How I would love to have a therapist like the one in that show.
And while we're at it, find me somebody to love...
The evening was emotional as, as the title suggests, the Pulse memories were shared tonight with public aplomb. Yeah, there are videos and photos online. I am trying to hard to avoid Facebook and yet so many people use the platform for scheduling events and communicating and sharing memories - it's as if privacy does not matter to most people anymore while online, and yet they think they have privacy in their lives. Installing FB Messenger on my phone may have been a mistake as it was constantly going off all afternoon. I'd have to shut it off or uninstall it if I had a job.
Anyway, it was the six month anniversary memorial vigil march of angels as we were part of the gathering for the public statement by the city about the Pulse tragedy. The City Council was in session so the Mayor and most of them did not make it, bad form politicians, very bad form. A meeting can be rescheduled. Those who cared made it, the Mayor of Orange County, the Councilwoman who is the leading voice for the LGBT community here, several other member of Congress and one of the U.S. Senators were present. The Pulse owner and many family members as well. Good words were spoken. A few hundred people showed up and all the news media. I was with the Angels.
We started at the History Center, then moved to the hospital that served the dead and wounded on tht night, then moved to the night club where we stood and listened and represent. Our job was to be there to silently represent the dead. We did.
A few of the organizers went to dinner, but I chose to head home as they were going in the opposite direction by at least 10 miles and I didn't feel like driving that far alone. The emotions of loss compound the loneliness after these events as I do not have any friends to talk to or share it, so I did what I usually do. On the way home I stopped and picked up frozen pizza and three frozen dishes, cooking eggplant parm and topping the pizza with it, using the leftover mushroom alfredo for more sauces, and topping it all with extra cheese. A frozen pizza can be delicious.
The body is still under 200 pounds in spite of my higher calorie choices lately. This is the good news. The symptoms of high sugar (diabetes) and low iron (anemia) and overworked kidneys flare up after eating too many carbs and fats and calories and the blood pressure rises, but ultimately, who cares.
No one cares enough to actually share life or any other choices, that is reality.
So indulging my taste buds now and then keeps me feeling less lonely because it is pleasurable experience I can enjoy in this life without anyone sharing it. If that shortens my life span, so be it. I have no one other than me to live for, so I shall enjoy me for the time I am here.
If standing with the Angels of Pulse does nothing else, it reminds me how suddenly life can be over and wasting time living for some future maybe is not logical for me anymore. I suppose the hope of finding the one has diminished to the point where I am prepared to die without finding her (we can all cry together someday) and I feel more confident that I can control the body ailments and diet without completely restricting the pleasures food brings. We shall see if it works (if I am happier and still alive, it works lol).
Onward... with or without you.
Narf :)
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