Blink
So dangit, one day was all it lasted. The healthier eating. Yesterday (Tuesday) was the first really low calorie intake day in a while (indeterminate amount of time likely to be somewhere around a few weeks) and I was doing ok today for the first few hours until impulse snuck up and grabbed me by the tongue and dragged me into the kitchen straight to the spaghetti pot and the taste bud madness took over and before I knew it, a large bowl of seriously cheesy (half a package of cream cheese, four slices of fat free American cheese, one slice of 2% smoked provolone, garlic Parmesan sauce, butter spread, and ketchup) spaghetti was consumed before I even thought about calories. Naturally, I am thoroughly disgusted, ashamed, and mortified, even. Right, we know better. I am not happy with my failed will power, but I am experiencing taste bud euphoria and floating in in carb heaven not far from carb coma.
I really ought to go walk (or more) for a while, like a few hours. I moved the apple cider vinegar within arms reach. I had some yogurt and raw potato starch yesterday. I felt great about not feeling bloated and turning the weight gain pattern around. Then something changed and impulse took over. Often I know what it is, but this time it was the general whatever. Yeah, whatever. It is possible a clue might be found in the previous entry, but whatever, you know? Just whatever.
While we are waiting for the other shoe to fall, remind me that I want to download this playlist sight unseen... maybe for a pop collection this too? For the library, maybe, since I want ?everything in my library, but others will choose many those more than I will. Ah, perhaps we just hit upon something. I should learn to use Cortana because the sad irritant that may be at or near the root of the cause of the sudden disappearances of will power and impulsive indulgences in sensory overload just may be the fact that no one else will remind me of anything these days. Living alone is not the most troubling part though, the part I bury and avoid and let linger festering beneath the surface of every moment is not wanting to face the fact that I do not have a best friend (BFF... as she said so many times) and may never really had a true friend for a long long time even though I told myself and most anyone else that I did but we so completely disconnected (because she can't handle the guilt) and that is what gets me down most. When I tell her, she just says it makes her feel guilty and ashamed and then she avoids me more, so I stop. I must stop avoiding the facts. She said the words, she made the promises. I believed in her My believing in her makes her feel gulty and ashamed because she did not follow through. My being real makes her feel guilty and ashamed. What can I do about that? Just get on with my life and let go. Ouch.
Sometimes I feel this way... I keep hoping that this is not me, but...
What can we expect from a Wednesday.
Yeah, so let it flow and let the chips fall where they may...
The Eagles Wasted Time is so much the story of this life as I know it. Not the only story, but definitely one of the main themes. Jackson Browne's The Late Show (and much of the LP/CD Late For The Sky, in fact) is reflective of my emotional roller coaster as well, but these days, Wasted Time plays all the time no matter what else is playing, no matter what else I am watching. I really sold myself that I had a real friend and now, I must face the reality that I was just fooling myself. I don't write about it much, because it hurts, but ignoring it and continuing to try to hang on to believing hurts even more. All the others are not easier to bear when the real friend is not there.
I deliberately do my best to avoid writing about it much because she might hurt herself if I express disappointment if she ever came to this place to read. Yet writing is my therapy and uploading the words to my blogs is my healing process, my release. This is how I process, resolve, heal, forgive, and continue being open and honest and me.
I must stop trying to repress myself and put it into words. If I am wrong, I am wrong, but... yeah, I've got to be me.
Some people just want to live life on the surface, bonding subconsciously in silence, depending on someone to be there without acknowledging that dependence. Being close in physical space, activities, and sharing time without committing to wanting to spend time being there. Not making the other person real or important, that person is easily replaced and left behind. That becomes usury and co-dependency. That leads to guilt and shame. That leads to avoidance and ultimately, running to someone else to start another similar silent dependency.
I wish they would see that it hurts those they depend, but even more, it hurts them because they feel empty inside without someone else. They have no commitment to anything other than their own survival and needs leaving them feeling helpless and worthless when the one they depend on is not around. Subconsciously they know they use and discard people and that leads to self-loathing, even self-abuse. Some feel so empty and guilty and shameful they want to stop feeling and stop being here in this life.
So what do we do? Stop believing in words and promises people make? Stop believing people do not really want to use and discard people? Believing hurts the one who does not follow through on promises as well as on the one who believed.
It is a philosophical dilemma, perhaps. It is physical pain.
I used to write in a private blog called Too Much Candor, which is probably the best title for my autobiography in this life if one is ever written. I would go there when I felt or thought something that I felt or thought might embarrass someone. I created it out of respect for privacy because most people want private lives. I think that is because they care so much about what other people think of them that they would rather repress themselves and ignore or even invalidate their feelings rather than express themselves and release their thoughts and emotions.
I believe that is the fundamental thinking error at the root of all emotional challenges humans seem to accept as normal natural weaknesses excused by the phrase "being human". It is dishonest, any way you slice it. Feel free to offer your rationalization if you think you can construct a logical defense of repression or avoidance of self that is actually honest. "I honestly do not want to know myself completely?"
Maybe some people truly believe they do not want to experience this life as completely as they are able to the full potential of being. Many people believe in things I do not understand, that does not make them wrong. It does make it wrong for me to live their way when it is not my way. That is the bottom line.
.
.
Narf.
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