It is the nature of the beast, the daily funerals, the surreal aspect of this event that has rocked our city and many of our worlds.
4:08 AM 6/24/2016
So I ran out of meds yesterday...
Harpo is the first person booted and blocked from the group. He joined and thirty minutes later his ranting and argument with an Admin got him the boot. I was out at a funeral.
The people closest to me in this life these days, whether far away but close in words or close in physical space sharing, don't pay much, if any attention to this blog or what I am doing on Facebook or any of my recent activities for the community. It has always been this way. Even when I just write blogs and rhymes, no one in my personal life cares to read. That seems so sad sometimes, but that is life as I know it. I simply do not know anyone personally close to me who loves words as I do or who wants to give of themselves as I do. I love the people I spend time with, but I wish I knew at least one person who was part of my written gardens in some way, an interactive part or just a reader who responded. I wonder if anyone will even find, no less appreciate any of my babbles or rhymes after this body dies. I imagine there are some readers out there, silent for their own reasons. I love you for reading. I do. I just wish...
for the one who would love written words as I do
for the one who would want to cross streams
for the one who would love giving as much as I do
for the one who would live as a team
for the one who would love a song as much as I do
for the one who would share my dreams
I share this dream of sharing with you
.....................to J
Thank you... more than the words thank you can say, thank you. I am so tired on so many levels. Standing vigil at funerals in the Florida heat can be so draining on the body... giving as I do can be so draining on the heart... I go play cards with friends to diffuse... I go play softball, though not enough lately because so many teams are forfeiting... and then I come home to a cluttered little unfinished space and feel lonely for someone who understands and appreciates all I do... selfish, but still, a feeling I feel.
and tonight a friend who has many indicators for Aspergers Syndrome, especially poor social skills, and also has a great deal of anger and tends to be paranoid, joined the support group I created and within 30 minutes was booted out and became the first person blocked in the group... I was out at a funeral and after hearing what happened, I must support the Admin for following the guidelines I set. So I spent time consoling and reprimanding him and will leave it for him to figure out what to do next... his self-pity is peaking and that distorts everything... sigh...
I spent my usual couple of hours catching up and cheering on the group and feel too frustrated to sleep, yet I have another funeral at 10am (5.5 hours) and yet another in the evening...
the laptop could die at any moment... Jackson said she bought a new one two weeks ago and I can have her old one but she still hasn't given it to me yet... as important as the computer access is to our community, I'd have thought she'd make it a priority but in spite of all I've done for her, I am not anywhere near important to her anymore... that hurts...
even before I lost the job, but especially after, she promised she would start giving me some money each month to make up for the thousands of dollars i've given her over the years and she's given me ten dollars... yet she bought a $30K car and a new laptop and has taken trips and lives well... I am so happy for her that she can do that now after all her struggles with money, but so very disappointed that she has broken her promise especially now that I could use the help so much...
she is just so good at blocking me out of her head i guess...
the phone dies every day and people are trying to reach me as i am supposed to be coordinating and managing gatherings and events... someone else said they have a newer phone I can use, but they have forgotten to bring it to the card games for a few weeks and i just won't bring it up anymore...
I'm so lucky Curly lets me stay here for free and i will find income come the fall, but the people around me disappoint me so much these days... I see I really needed to express that... maybe that's one reason I have not been blogging... I hate it when i feel like complaining about real people in my physical world - or anyone who might feel hurt by my whining, complaining, and general this stuff i am doing now, really...
full of lament tonight, i am (and yoda too)...
Four hours I need to be awake and getting out to another funeral standing in the heat for hours and here I am, awake and frustrated... maybe it's the blood pressure too... i ran out of bp meds yesterday so i missed two doses and will miss the morning dose if I don't wake early enough to get to the pharmacy and wait for the meds before the funeral...
i know, i've got to take care of myself or i'll be no good for anyone else... i tell that to people out there every day these days... yet i continue to give because they need it and i've got more to give and i love giving and i survive, somwhow, which is the story of this life as i've known it and it makes me happy... and if it makes me happy, it can't be that bad, right? (thank you sheryl crow)...
the computer is overheating so i'll stop now... all is well... the words are flowing which means the frustration is processed and the negative energy is released and the self-pity is clarifying as self-love and the world continues to be filled with hate while i feel all the love from a distance... wish someone else did right here right now...
And then I wrote:
The madness of hate is all over the world. We have a choice. Let it infect us so we hate and add to the hate in the world. Or resist the hate and rise above it. Extinguish the hate with our love.
Even if it seems like the hate is a raging fire burning out of control consuming everything in sight, I will rise above and pour love on the hate. I am blessed to have people here in this group and around me at funerals, viewings, vigils, and other gatherings who feel as I do. Who do as I do.
If you feel like you are being consumed by hate or fear or sorrow, come out and join us. Contact any of us and we will listen and help all we can. That is healing us. Let it heal you. Feed off our love and find it growing in you. Be the change you want to see in the world, you can do it - we know you can.
That was tonight's message to the group in part responding to the story about the hostage possible shooting in Germany and also just a general pep talk for the frustrated and angry among our community... I listen to my own words too and then help me to feel better... Maybe ego just wants some cheering... maybe the childinside just wants some appreciation...
So how are you? :)
honest love,
R
No comments:
Post a Comment