After Naps

I seem to be indulging in a lot of naps lately. Awake for six hours, sleep for four, awake another eight hours, sleep for six, and various other patterns make up the twenty four hour day. After naps I am rested and restless at the same time, the body is mostly rested, the mind is mostly restless because I am waking up remembering dreams and the dreams are not the frivolous fantasy stuff I am used to remembering in thos rare times I remember dreaming. Typically throughout this life I might remember a dream a year, or two, if that much. Lately I recalled three which is exceptional for me. I vaguely remember them now, only the feeling and theme that was consistent. Abuse or abandobment. The story of the PTSD of this life as I've know it.

In one dream someone was trying to provoke me to physically fight with threats. In the most recent just ow, some of the the Sunday softball team were playing in a tournament in our uniforms without me and I wasn't sure why. That is obviously a reaction to my feelings about not being able to go to the World Series with them unless someone steps up and lets me stay in their hotel room for free and count me as a rider in their car. Obviously that is on my mind lately as I would usually have my flight, room, and transportation all booked by now and I am typically one of the drivers who rents one of the cars. Others usually go the economical depend on others route that I would need this time.

ok, so I paused to stop the loop and added Facebook to the mix. I feel like I need a shower. The world is such a sick placeespecially politically. So much corruption and greed and so little sensitivity and caring. It didn't help that the laptop slowed to a crawl so I finally shut it down and rebooted and the hard drive just kept spinning like mad even after the reboot. Whatever it does, it slows me down. I suppose I ought to move 90% of the photos i have to an external hard drive since I am relatively stationary in this space with this laptop. The battery would not last five minute. Then I can defrag and perhaps the drive will run smoother. The CPU gets overwhelmed sometimes when I have three bbrowsers open but unfortunately, they are not being updated or suported anymore so some browsers work on some pages and don't work on others. Chrome is still the best for Gmail as IE9 doesn't work on that or YuoTube. Firefox is my choice for Facebook because the old account is in Chrome. Blogger works best in IE9, though no playback there. Since I don't have audio, I can't check playback anyway so. It's a patchwork quilt of ancient parts.

I read a very long group chat and it turns out the team is working hard on raising money for so everyone can go to the tournament. I am a little more hopeful, but if I get a job and can't get the week off, that would be a decision I'd have to make. I'd leave a crap temporary job but not a good one. Meanwhile, at the moment there are no responses to the resumes I sent out and no interviews set up. Maybe I should call the assistant to the EEK Tech job back, but it's probably filled. Stop it, you're bringing me down.

So I am giving up some controls and letting the mind become haunted by negative thinking. If Jackson was around, she's point that out quick. Since she really never had time (or interest) in getting close enough to help though, her absence is not a factor in my mental states. Except to miss the companionship, distraction, occasional shared TV viewing and meals, and taking care of her which took my focus off me. Who cares, he asks with a smile, again (let me count the ways, aye?). It is something to occupy the time.

There was a lot more on my mind when I woke after the nap, but the wandering away...