Of course the title is my self-centered perspective, after all, this blog is about life as I live it through my experience and senses. That doesn't diminish the experiences or the events I organize and participate in, it just puts life in perspective for me (and for you, in case you are interested in my experience, in case it matters).
There may have been more than 50,000 people packed into the park and spilling on to the streets this evening, but almost as usual, I felt the isolation of being different than everyone around me. Jackson sat with Brandi and other softball friends on the corner of the fourth row while I sat with someone I just met there in the back row. Being the sweetheart she is, Brandi offered me her seat (via text) because she recognized all I am doing for the community and I thought about it, but I was enjoying the conversation with the new person and was not enthused by Jackson's almost non-reaction to my being there. She didn't even stand up and turn around when Brandi and our other softball friends spotted me. I am a bit baffled by her there days as she acts like I am a stranger sometimes. Maybe she's embarrassed to be seen in public with me. She never could hug comfortably and and always seems on the defensive with me. She'd probably say that I'm reading her wrong, yet I trust my instincts and she lies to herself very well. Could have well been she was emotionally overwhelmed by facing the enourmity of the tragedy in this public gathering for the first time, so chill with the selfish point of view, m'ok? Ok. I adopted her, she's my baby sister, and I love her unconditionally cuz that is what I do and it makes me happy (so it can't be bad, right Sheryl?).
At first I was very disappointed that this night would not be like last night as Vigils go. Last night was informal and positive and friendly and mobile and unscripted and freeing and active (a few laps around the park with flags and banners and lots of people) and tonight, the politicians and organizers were there. Very stuffy organizers heaping way too much praise on themselves. I was surprised that I enjoyed the politicians for the most part. They said the right words and came across as meaning what they were saying. Hopefully they were not just playing for the audience and giving them what they wanted to hear. The night was very confining though as packing that many people into the park leaves little wiggle room, no less room to walk around. I walked around a lot more than most as I weaved through the crowd a few times to say hello to people and to help a few (one older woman was in the middle of the crowd with a great dane about four feet high and the dog was definitely in some distress so I offered to help her out but she said her daughter ways on her way so I just stood there scratching the dog's head and looking into it's eyes until it calmed. Someone gave me a hand-woven heart for doing that).
One bright note was that our hateful Governor showed up and the local politicians would not let him take the stage. Maybe he had some sense tonight. Maybe he just did the right thing and kept his mouth shut because he was told to. Whatever happened backstage, it was good to see him not mentioned by anyone. Most people never even knew he was there.
The new friend I met may keep in touch. She had a photo taken of us. Cute, but not my type, but do I even have a "type" anymore? It's been so long. She's a retired computer science professor and an artist and as is so often the case I meet someone I'd do more things with if I had an income but I have to have the talk about finances with her if I am going to hang out with her again and that can push someone away quickly. It might have pushed the softball player new friend mentioned a week or so ago away already and I barely scratch that conversation. Not too many people want to hang out with someone unemployed and squeezing savings to make ends meet. It is such a material culture.
We said goodnight as the vigil ended and I went straight to where Jackson and Brandi were sitting as I told her by I would by text earlier and they were gone. I was hurt. I texted and some time later she acknowledged they bolted right out, again, is she avoiding me out of guilt or what? Or was she just overwhelmed by the event and a hug from me would not have helped? Sure would have helped me. Sigh. Whatever, what can I do. I wandered around downtown for a couple of hours (therein came the loneliness), having two street hot dogs for dinner and watching tv for the first time since early March as I realized game seven of the NBA finals was on and I was sorry I watched when the game was over because the NBA just doesn't appeal to me anymore and I really do not like Lebron's ego. I finally headed home feeling more alone than I have in a long time and stopped for some food and rolled around for a while as once again, sleep was very restless. It is a challenging time in this city for an aware empathic child. Alone.
Then the laptop simply died.
No comments:
Post a Comment