Yes, so as I was saying, I woke up early again and while I felt tired enough to sleep, the stressful thoughts about money pounded in my head (not pain, just disturbance) so I sat up to play Ruzzle and did well there and then I came to the computer and decided to check on my bank reports. Not great. There is not enough in my primary checking or savings to pay off the car and going into emergency funding, well, not only is it stressful, but I am not sure if there is enough there and that is the scary part. I still remember having that serious conversation with Jackson about her paying her share of the bills. I looked at her and asked if she could. I told her I would not buy the new car if she thought in any way she could not. She assured me several times that she would start paying her share. That was February 2014. She never did make any consistent monthly contribution and between bills for Happiness and other things, I just kept depleting my savings. She simply does not manage money well and I was who I am, spending my money to take care of my family. That is why I am where I am today, financially unable to retire.
Feel free to send donations to me at PO Box 162843, Altamonte Springs, FL 32716. No amount is too small. No amount is too big either. Wait, I am serious. I've been giving money to others all through this life. Someone in this world must be generous too. I know generous people are out there, I just don't know any with the means to actually help me (beyond the huge help Curly is giving). I'd like to keep the car. I am worth it, really.
Back to reality (the fantasy of someone helping me financially has been fruitless for me in this life in spite of my generosity when I have the luxury of having a lot... my financial ups and downs have been quite the roller coaster with peaks in the sven figures and valleys virtually penniless... I don't want to be penilless again but I am heading in that direction... I must love roller coasters way too much for my own good... he says with a weak smile). So I spent a few hours accessing all the information online (and got disconnected by phone after long waits) and the news sucks. I have enough money to pay off my car if I do not eat anymore. Stop laughing, it's not funny. Stupid peanut gallery. Grump grump.
Ok, seriously, I must find income before the end of the year or I will be losing something. Turning off the phone would save $50 a month. The storage bill is still $140 a month. It would tear me apart to give up on seeing that stuff in storage again after keeping it there for 20 years. More stupid, perhaps. I am what I am. Gas to Curly's and Excel's and softball is running about $80 a month. I may need to cut out the card and games trips, those are the bulk of the mileage. I would not be able to do it without a car anyway. Spending that money driving that could lead to to potentially losing the car is the kind of stupid I can stop. Loneliness looms like a tsunami. Oh, the drama. Oh, the emo.
Speaking of emo, food costs must be cut to a bare minimum. That sucks on so many levels. Cheap food is not often healthy food. Cheap food is usually high in calories. Food is my emotional therapy. I am fucked. If that word offends and keps you from sending your donation, I profusely and profoundly apologize and will repent in any way you choose. Please be kind. :)
The world series trip in August looks like it is not happening for me unless the team wants me there enough to pay my way. I get no response from the coach or assistant on that and I've mentioned it every time the subject comes up. I don't even want to go on the team Facebook page (heck Facebook overall depresses me so I haven't beem there in a week in spite of almost getting excited about creating new pages). The interaction is so superficial, even among people I know. It reminds me of how superficial we've let our lives become in this modern commercial culture. Curly has not been on FB in years and I definitely understand why. It is a vacuum allowing people to detach and be butterflies flitting from interaction to interaction without making any deeper lasting meaning out of life. Maybe that is what blogging is about as well, like life, it can all be gone in a moment. At least eye contact and physical space offers more in each moment.
Woah, this entry is growing darker by the minute.
I'll pause now.
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