Human Drama

Ok, so lack of sleep, standing three hours in an angel costume holding a photo and candle at a memorial while listening to dramatic speeches, then getting a scathing text that took at least fifteen minutes to read telling me I am all sorts of bad (and not the good bad) triggered some buttons (abandonment, betrayal, stupid human tricks, among others) and brought out the drama queen last night. I might have slept through the night (I did actually fall asleep if Excel did not wake me by responding to my plea for a friendly ear at 2am which lead to two hours of exchanging texts before I finally realized she had work in the morning. I finally got back to sleep at 9am and accomplished nothing but worra worra worra.

Facebook, that dang abyss of human madness, sucked me in again. The distraction is just so danged available. The attraction to posting words that someone might read and appreciate is just so irresistible, especially when I am feeling used, abused, or simply unappreciated. The contraption should be abolished. Over-reaction, no doubt. I could have been a contender, I could have been somebody. Instead, I am bleary-eyed empty and drained once again. It's all Excel's fault for responding (ridiculous irreverent tease, naturally).

Actually, Excel proved to be a really good friend last night. Yay for drama to bring people closer (another irreverent tease, but silver linings are good too). This morning, Curly appears to be recovering from his recalcitrant rant and quite closer to conciliatory, though not quite apologetic (might not be in his nature) with a layer of self-loathing perhaps. He apparently bottled a lot of frustration up over months and is very bothered that he let things bother him and wants me to go over there tonight for cards. Hopefully we will talk through what bothers him and we'll agree to not hold back from now on.

I tease too much sometimes. I mean no harm, but I will definitely be more sensitive to how he takes it cuz what I thought were momentary friendly teases (combined with my being honest and expressive about this body's limits when doing heavy lifting or manual labor in the 90+ degree sun) piled up in his mind to warrant an explosion of words last night that were quite disturbing in interpretation, confusion, and potential consequences. The latter triggered my abandonment button and I panicked enough to want feedback from those who were named as supportive of the claims about my poor behaviors (cheating, dominating, controlling, disrespect, complaining, negativity, and assorted sundries... it is no coincidence that he exhibits these behaviors and if I step back I can see he is projecting, but I let me feelings get hurt because I am in such a vulnerable position in life and he holds so much power over me).

I know I complain (or so it seems on the outside... few, maybe nobody can see I am laughing on the inside), but for me it's just acknowledging dissatisfaction with myself or something else and releasing it into words gives it tangible substance so I can fix whatever is not satisfying and in a moment laugh it off cuz it's all better. Perspective is everything and I think most people bottle up stuff so they distort their own perspective and it takes them a lot longer to fix stuff without burying it (which isn't actually fixing it). Most humans I've met act a lot like ostriches.

I know I have been much more negative of late, increasing gradually over the last two decades (sigh, with apologies to Jackson who needs a long vacation from me lol) and most sharply increasing over the past year or two as work was less satisfying (which is why we parted ways) and then the major life changes and then the news of the world got through to me via Facebook. All in all I am busier with social activities than I have been in many years and yet feel as much as ever, isolated and frustrated with people. Queen's Someone to Love plays in my head.

I woke to a couple of texts from Curly that kind of said all clear and seem to want to return to the calmer waters, not completely ignoring the storm, but letting it pass with new respect for the deeper waters from whence the storm originated. I shall watch much more closely for signs of PTSD in him and be much more sensitive to his reactions to my teasing or my game-play. Hopefully we can return to relaxing and having silly fun now that he expressed himself and we agree to work toward learning and developing a better understanding of each other.

I had cheesecake Helena gave me for breakfast.

Time to shower and head to Curly's for Tuesday night cards.