Next Thoughts

As you may have anticipated, I did not go to practice this morning. I slept in instead. My stomach was queasy as it has been for the first five minutes of waking up lately (I attribute that to the diet of hamburgers and hot dogs and pork and beans and potatoes meat and pasta and chips and snacks and sugar drinks I've been eating since I started eating dinner at Curly's and Mike's three or more times a week) and I texted Coach that I would not be there due to stomach issues. He texted back 'feel better' and hopefully the team did not decide to kick me off (I've been surprised by lack of appreciation before at jobs and I think I lost faith and trust in people, alas) or maybe that it was a better practice without me there.

How much of that is my personal self-deprecation or low self-esteem and how much of that is the negativity I get from a couple of players and the assistant coach (he frequently surprises me by defending the lazy poor-attitude players when I actually support his complaint that they don't respect him... maybe it's the way I support his complaint, but it still surprises me that he does not see I am reacting to the same player behavior he complains about) is for you or others to decide as I do not feel like self-analysis at the moment and I also have no perspective other than my own which is also why I do not feel like self-analysis at the moment. I have no one I really trust to be my friend (on my side, so to speak, or to at least see things from my perspective) who experiences the team interactions or dynamics so whatever. Yeah, I know, I usually dislike whatever, but whatever.

So I slept in which felt mostly good, though it is now in the mid-nineties outside so I really do not want to do any yard work so I feel like I am skipping yard work more than I should cuz I want to get yard work done and I also want to pay some rent for the place and helping Curly and his mom with yard work is one big way I can give back to them. Curly's mom asked for some help with some clearing of overgrowth behind her house and I told her all she needs to do is point out what she wants cleared and I'll be on it, but we were on the phone so I don't know exactly what she wants cleared. I will see about finding out tomorrow morning, though I have lunch scheduled with Jackson at noon so I don't really want to be soaking wet sweaty and yard-work filthy for that and I don't want to put off Curly's mom in the middle of starting to help either so I am a bit unsure of what to do tomorrow morning. I think I will be out there doing yard work as early as I can wake up and hopefully get both done.

I really feel so much better when I use my therapy tool of writing out my thoughts, especially confused or conflicting or disturbing thoughts. Why I go through phases where I stop blogging (or stop writing altogether) is such a self-defeating habit and even though those phases are seldom extended periods, they are still phases I should pull myself out of asap once they start.

Depending on a response is a fool's errand. Especially when the writing helps me so much.

So be it, so do it.

Narf :)