Sometimes sleep comes like a wave smothering consciousness and sometimes it brings many hours of beautiful peaceful rest. Sometimes it lasts just a few hours, one sleep cycle, then something wakes me (most often the bladder since I started taking blood pressure medication that contains a diuretic) and I stumble about to the bathroom or for a drink or wherever and when I lay back down thoughts rise up to push sleep away, even when the body still feels exhausted. What do I do wrong to be alone this far down the line? Why do I refuse to bow to the cultural norms? Why do I think I am right in my ways when I am the model of failure by most cultural standards? And so on.
Tonight, a few hours ago, that is precisely what happened. Frustration over the internet not being connected and Dave must have fallen asleep early (I texted him at 8:30 and he had just gotten home a bit before that) and he did not respond and I could not solve the router issue myself (fuse?... burned out?... something else?... it blinks on after it is plugged in then the lights go out on the front but the lights for the four output cables remain lit on the back) and that lead to frustrated thoughts about not being able to switch to the new laptop or even distract myself and that lead to frustration about not being able to check in with the people who look for my comments and posts in the support group and that lead to feelings of letting people down and failure and boom, the floodgates opened.
No one has, to this point in life, cared enough about me to want to stay close to me throughout this life no matter how much I gave when they were close. Ever notice how close the word close is to the word lose? You may be right, I may be crazy. Anyway, I messed up relationships by wanting more than others could give. I wanted (and still want) unconditional love and trust. I give it completely and it was never returned. I think it scares people away. Too real. Too honest. Too much. Sigh. I can rationalize away my momentary screw ups, but there is just no reasonable outcome because I remain alone. There always seems to come that moment when I ask for more, a moment of weakness when I do not want to be the strong one, and the more does not come. I always must be the strong one, it is my role. Sigh.
So I lament at times and ask... why do I always have to be the strong one? (the question is rhetorical, mostly, I think, but feel free to answer if you want to, if you're out there, if you care). I know you stop by, don't think I don't appreciate it. I just have so much logical evidence (ah, how loud silence can be, aye?) that no one cares that sometimes I accept the reality of the silence and aloneness and let it swallow any hope of sharing as I dream of sharing. Tonight that dark cloud came and suffocated me so I got out of bed and figured out how to play some bridge and some chess on the old laptop until it started overheating and then, here we are. New laptop, no internet, but the words flow. In case you didn't know it (or forgot), as long as the words flow, the garden can grow and as long as the garden grows, life flows and I shall be alright.
I came here to talk to my imaginary the one as I do from time to time. If you want to know what makes me tic, well, you can read the blogs under that section of the gardens or you could just try to figure me out in person (beware, yeah yeah yeah... come on over lol). I write because I write in the hope that the one will stumble across some of my words and recognize her kindred spirit, her other half that is whole as she is, her the one who knows how to come together and meld two into one with her. I write for many other reasons, but that is the deepest most powerful hope of all. Since longing for her to arrive an be quite agonizing, mostly I write to distract myself from that longing (see how well it is working?) and to keep in touch with myself and anyone who might care. Oh, how I long to be understood, aye? (the end-of-the-universe smile rises with the sun) :)
I'm lonely phasing again. I allowed the busy life of caring about others in need to take over again because there were so many in need out there these past few weeks and I find myself alone again, (too naturally and for the moment this is one of those moments when alone feels so unnatural because the desire to share, to love and be loved is so profoundly powerful, nothing else matters).
I feel ellipses even as I stay the course of using periods I started with this blog. Maybe it's a Tebow. Find the laughter, we've simply got to find the laughter. Survival of the species is at stake. On a personal in-the-moment note, the wave of self-pity that threatened to drown me earlier is passing. Thoughts of all the stuff in storage were part of that. $140 a month for more than 20 years because I fell in love with a user who took everything I had and broke me emotionally. I am still broken, unfortunately, and nobody cares to help fix me (and it does take two to test the trust again and until the trust is tested again, one can only hope the fix actually happened... if you know what I mean). So the rhetorical why should I... questions rise to almost logical resonance. Why should I care anymore if nobody else does... Why should I work on fixing myself if I may already be fixed and nobody wants me as I am anyway?... Why should I go on if no one will ever share this life and the dream of sharing everything completely openly and honestly with unconditional trust in unconditional love, infinite, eternal, happily ever after... with me?...
Ah, there come the ellipses... for what they're worth. Perhaps all this rambling babbling is simply the philosophical musings of the infinite possibilities a mind can reach for if left alone long enough. I wish I could find a more comfortable chair.
What?... you want brevity?
Narf :)
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