I was saying in today's brief entry, it is not a lost day, but almost. I also just had a small package of M&Ms. Good griefness I am craving chocolate now. I've got a week or three without any. Or maybe once. I'e been a good hedgehog, really I have. Just too fat for my own good. Feeling like nobody cares is a tough place to be. Finding solace in food, one big meal a night all from cans to save money, but satisfying my taste buds. Tonight.. two cans of spinach, a can of chicken, most of a can of golden mushroom soup, about a quarter cup of alfredo sauce, about three ounces of mozzarella cheese, a third cup of fried onion rings, four packets of pure stevia, some garlic, and about a quarter cup of duck sauce all mixed together in a owl and heated in a microwave for 8:88 and 3:33 in a microwave.
What was I saying?
Ah yes, not a lost day. I got back here last night after work and cooked an equally goofy but even higher calorie concoction because the meat was meatballs and there was ketchup and butter (not the spaghetti night, that was the night before... I think) and after I ate I started nodding off in the chair enough to lay down, but I kept the TV on because I was watching the second season of Shut Eye and at first I almost nodded off in bed but somehow I still found myself still watching TV still after midnight still. There I laid there for almost six hours after nodding off in the chair. The weird thing then was I felt like writing it was very strange (musically, of course, but not penny lane).
I still gotta believe laughter abounds somewhere.
Like the 1969 Mets. Just like tonight, I started watching Touch and I am slowly realizing I am pretty sure I've watched it before and it is likely that I was disappointed when it concluded (if it concluded) or I could have possibly lost interest if they didn't write it well enough but the answer, my friends, is somewhere out there maybe in the wind or maybe connected like it says in the show. Is anybody listening? Does anybody hear? is anybody feeling this? Does anybody care?
It's been two years that I've been alone, though I was alone before that even with a roommate. The last two year though have been so challenging for so many reasons. Feeling like nobody really cares to know me is as powerful as it's been in a long long time, maybe ever. The feeling of alone to. maybe that is because I am giving up on people caring in the physical reality.
Days are productive at work and I love what I do, but there is still a sense of not fitting in. Is it me that produces an atmosphere of neediness that produces reactions of overbearing... the words may come another time, but I can also change things, maybe. I think she senses my pathetic neediness like few can probably because I let her see it and it makes her uncomfortable but she may not know why. He seems to want to keep everything his way down to the last detail so it is challenging to put my stamp on anything. Patience is most of what I need, I think.
And changing the suicidal lifestyle, that would help. Could be everything, or at least the door to everything... the road to everything? This week, however, has not followed the low calorie diet instructions, so foolish of me, I am. Still may be somewhat reduced calories, perhaps, and all canned food which helps the pocket book. Not the best for the health though. That's just the way it is. In case it matters.
Meanwhile, the nagging skin condition worsens. I am so tired of it. Everything I've tried has not worked. Everything except the one thing that is most challenging to do for so many reasons. The semi-fast rest of the digestive tract. It's been how long? A year? Two? Three? Longer? Five, six, seven doctors all pass me along with medication. For a while one of the medications worked, but no more. Not lately. I sit too uch. I eat too much. I can't clean this living space enough. For the last three months, or longer, since the doctor who was supposed to be the specialist, it's just gotten worse. He said nothing was wrong. Pain and bleeding with nothing wrote. How can that be?
What was I saying?
Does it matter?
Narf. :)
Narf.
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