Yes, and as I noted briefly, not the fun kind of hump involving body bumping and grinding with another person I find sensually stimulating, but the downbeat bummer depressing kind that has been coming pretty consistently on Wednesdays since moving into this space. I sleep in later usually because I am giving the body more recovery time after long physical weekend days that it does not always get on Monday or Tuesday because I play softball Monday nights and play cards past midnight on Tuesday nights. It is quite reasonable to sleep long into the morning or even afternoon for one who is retired and also who has a very busy active life most days and long into late evenings. On Wednesdays, however, I must be remembering that I am not actually comfortably retired and must find income again and each day I am another day older and less attractive to prospective employers.
So come Wednesdays, I apparently let the loneliness and the feelings of abandonment and the isolation and lack of income and tiny unfinished space and lack of partner and all the other blues swarm over my natural optimism enough to blacken my mind. It gets so very dark in here, it's almost scary. The feeling that nobody cares has all the evidence it possibly needs to say, see, I told you so, nobody really cares unless you are out there doing something for them and on a very important level it is true. Caring is a verb and rare is the old person cared about enough to have someone come by every day (or ever, for some... ahem, I'm almost there and would be if I didn't go out and get some attention regularly) to simply say hello, check for signs of life and happiness, and show the caring is real in the interactive physical world outside of the individual heart.
Bottom line, all my softball friends are fun and care about me on the softball field and watching games and when I go out to eat after games, but I don't drink or enjoy the clubs and bars so I don't get any closer to them than the fields and I am seldom included in other activities probably because I don't hang out social at the clubs and bars and I am a lot older than they are. My cards and games friends are fun on cards and games nights, but except for Curly we don't see each other other than those nights but hopefully that will change for a few of them as I get to know them better. Most are not active as they are very large people and do a lot of sedentary activities. I do not want to increase sedentary activities. Almost another Catch-22. Jackson has been so busy I have not seen since we moved, almost seven weeks, except for one brief side hug before our games a few weeks ago. We both had birthdays this month and she was too busy for even a phone call. Sigh. All this comes back to me on Wednesdays. Working with Curly keeps me from sinking into serious sedentary loneliness and despair.
So I have been skipping out of my mind lately on Wednesdays and I sometimes even leave the blog world cuz I do not want to think and I fall out of touch for the whole 24 hours and sometimes, like this week, disappear into Facebook or elsewhere and there are no entries until I come back and backdate some and I don't even remember what happened and the rambling on like this happens.
Yeah, who cares, right?
The good news is that Wednesday softball has started again. The bad news is it is a long drive and mediocre fields. Tonight I there only to find the team we were supposed to play forfeited, which surely did not help the mood or anything else. So maybe we should just skip Wednesdays for a while (nyuk, nyuk, big joke). As if this body needed any more junk food, I impulsively stopped at KFC/LJS (food, you should be able to figure out the names) and got chicken and shrimp which was great taste-bud satisfaction and emotional comfort for a moment. I ate in the car because the place closed at 9pm and I got there at 8:58pm. Lonely and depressing because I had to eat in the car reminding me of the living space, but yummy.
Home to distract myself with Facebook and whatever else.
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